The Ferrari in the Bedroom (12 page)

Along the same lines, in the description of #R9022, the Automatic Break-Open Target Revolver (“it
hits the mark!”
), the following sentence occurs:
“You never know when War may come, or you may find yourself dependent upon your skill in shooting for a meal of game.”
Such a bald statement would never occur in, say, an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog.

The thing that immediately gets you about the Johnson Smith world is its naked, unashamed realism. It is a world where humor involves the Squirt Ring (#2173):
“an attractive looking diamond that cannot fail to be the center of attraction. The observer experiences a very great surprise”;
or the classic Itching Powder: (#6257)
“Thoroughly enjoyable—the intense discomfiture of your victims is highly amusing.”
It
was the era of the Pig Bladder and W. C. Fields, and subtlety was somehow foreign and feminine.

As history, the Johnson Smith catalog is far more alive than the self-conscious volumes of sociology; #2751–10¢, the
“Bootlegger Cigar,”
says more about the days of Prohibition than anything I’ve ever read of the period.
“An exact imitation of a real cigar, which consists of a glass tube with a cork in the end. It is really a well-designed flask that can be used to carry any liquid refreshment.”
They weren’t talking about Orange Crush or Pepsi-Cola. “Bootlegger” is the key word. The image of a man walking around with a glass cigar in his mouth filled with sour mash bourbon is wildly funny and could only be played by W.C. himself.

Another almost extinct phase of the American scene is fully documented by items #7100 through #7176. It is a classic list of emblems of an American phenomenon that flourished in small towns from just after
the Civil War through the early 30s; the Lodge, the Brotherhood, the Secret Society. In a day when men had to band together for one reason or another, mainly social, these institutions were really the focal point of life in many a hamlet. Men wore badges proudly and without self-consciousness. For example, #7130
Panama Canal
stated to the world that the wearer had worked on the famous Canal. This item alone would bring big money in Americana museums today. It sold for twenty-five cents through Johnson Smith. The plumber, the plasterer, the bricklayer, the blacksmith and the carpenter all had badges to be hung proudly from watchchains (See #7112 through #7116). Are there alive today any men who wore in honor #7167, The Brotherhood of Streetcar Trainmen?

For just a quarter a member could get a watch fob proclaiming to everyone that he was in the Sons Of Veterans (#7123). Veterans of what? Probably some war. What war?The Civil War? The Spanish-American War? The War Of The Roses? They never said. Are there any chapters still flourishing? You can see their proud escutcheon in the catalog and probably nowhere else.

Johnson Smith was also the Bible of the go-getting
entrepreneur,
always alert for new opportunities offering “untold riches.” “MAKE BIG MONEY STAMPING KEY CHECKS (#7085)” or raising mushrooms in your own Mystery Mushroom Garden which
“has earned several dollars a week for satisfied
users.”

Technically, the Johnson Smith catalog is very interesting because it does not represent one period of time. The catalog covers an era that saw
“Civil War watch fobs”
as well as
“Smitty, Dick Tracy and Orphan Annie Wristwatches”
($3.95, nos. 8050 through 8052), as well as the dawn of the electronic age (#6590:
“this Detector is a radio in itself—25¢”).

Every live-wire, life-of-the-party had, in those days, a complete repertory of parlor tricks, totally equipped by Johnson Smith & Co. of Racine, Wisconsin. He was prepared to conquer every social gathering with the sheer audacity of his wit and the subtlety of the prestidigitation he displayed. Apparently it was necessary to bring your equipment to a party in a steamer trunk at least:
Diminishing Billiard Ball
(#3221, 50¢),
The Handkerchief Vanisher, “practically undetectable; never fails”
(#3193),
The Mesmerized Penny: “Defies the law of gravitation”
(#3157) and
The Mysterious King Tut Trick
(#3229, 15¢ Postpaid) were merely basic equipment. The truly dedicated social climber would need the Spirit Medium Ring (#3143) as well as the expensive but effective Mysterious Chalice (#3180, 50¢). This was obviously a time when people provided their own entertainment and did not rely on the movies, TV, or the canned humor of the stand-up comic.

Johnson Smith provided the material for anyone who wanted to amuse and entertain his friends. Joke books filled several pages of the catalog and they were highly functional in a day when people had to make their own laughs; #1917
ONE THOUSAND CHOICE CONUNDRUMS AND RIDDLES
(10¢) was a smash seller. It featured such boffolas as:

MAN:
Why don’t you help me find my collar button?

FRIEND:
I would, but it always gives me the Creeps!

This crusher must have panicked them from Kalamazoo to Keokuk, and for only a dime you got nine hundred and ninety-nine more,
“enough to last you for years!”
The truth of the matter is that they were not exaggerating. Some of those jokes are still kicking around TV and writers are earning Big Money selling them to comics who apparently never read Johnson Smith & Co.’s catalog. If you think this is mere philosophizing, it might pay you to read a couple of these joke books and then watch TV for a month. This brings up another significant point about the Johnson Smith catalog. So much of it is absolutely timeless. For example, the Ouija Board, invented by a Baltimore man as a parlor trick (#6645), is selling in greater numbers today than it did when it was introduced and distributed by Johnson Smith.

The chatty quality of the unknown caption writers is distinct, and seems to emanate from a single, living, crochety yet ribald human being. On the one hand he cozies up to the reader, nudges him in the ribs and says:
“Here’s your chance, boys. Put on one of these Bunged-Up Eye disguises. The effect as you enter the room is most bewildering. Real fun!”
(#4355-10¢). On the other hand, he thunders from his soapbox in tones of outraged virtue:
“Your heart will burn and you will wonder how such awful things can be, and you will feel like others that you must become a crusader to go out
and fight and tell others and warn against the danger!”
as he exhorts us to buy
FROM DANCE HALL TO WHITE SLAVERY—THE WORLD’S GREATEST TRAGEDY
(#1376, an absolute steal at 35¢).

It is this eerily personal style that sets the tone of this great volume of human desires and vanities. A very necessary yet ubiquitous ingredient of the Johnson Smith catalog is the consistently provocative illustrations, again the work of anonymous, humble artists who probably never signed a picture in their lives. For example, the grotesque drawing illustrating #4353 Joke Teeth With Tongue foreshadowed the best work of the later Surrealists. The man’s startled yet strangely evil expression about the eyes as he displays his
seven-inch rubber tongue and his gleaming celluloid false teeth is enough to make us wonder what it’s all about! His caption writer, obviously inspired by the drawing, rose to extraordinary heights with this item:
“These Joke Teeth And Tongues are just the thing to surprise your friends with. The tongues are extra-long and quite ferocious-looking, and produce the most comical effects. Excellent for Theatrical use.”

Instantly the mind gropes for the dramatic presentation that employs a seven-inch rubber tongue attached to celluloid teeth. It is easy to say, however, that it
would
surprise your friends, at the very least!

On the same page is another fine, unsigned work illustrating
THE ENORMOUS VIBRATING EYE,
obviously the work of an artist of another school. He, nevertheless, perfectly catches the raffish cloddishness of a man who would wear an Enormous Vibrating Eye. The cap he wears in the drawing is a touch of sheer genius. By the way, if you are interested, this is catalog #4356 and sells for 15¢, or $1.35 per dozen if you’re a real sport.

Physical infirmities abound in the Johnson Smith humor world.
THE SWOLLEN THUMB
(#2108) is a good example, incidentally illustrated nicely with a pair of rubes looking dolefully at a giant, bulbous thumb.

Apparently another sure-fire laugh-getter was the substitution of phony items for commonplace objects. Most of them were made of soap and were
“guaranteed to liven up any party.”
A real wit could spark up his friendly gatherings with soap cheese (“it
might fool even the mice”–
15¢, #2703) or soap biscuits
(“A few of these mixed in with a dish of regular crackers will really start the fun!”
). You bet, especially after a couple of Martinis!

Soap gumdrops, soap cigars, soap pickles, soap chocolates, and even a bar of soap soap that dyed its user an
indelible blue made life exciting to the friends of a Johnson Smith addict. There is no record of the number of murders, assault and battery cases, and simple divorces that this single line of Johnson Smith specialities caused to come about. A man wearing an Enormous Vibrating Eye feeding his wife and kids soap pickles is a commonplace still-life in the world of Johnson Smith.

Everything, or almost everything, came by mail in the early days of the 20th Century. The mailman was often the only link to the great outside world that a largely rural America knew. Mail order catalogs had an enormous appeal to simple folk who rarely saw more than a crossroads general store. During the days just before World War One, few homes were without the Sears Roebuck catalog, the Montgomery Ward catalog, as well as the Johnson Smith & Co. catalog, especially if there were boys in the family. The Johnson Smith catalog was predominately Male in its appeal and was not all fun and games. In fact, the catalog had a kind of Horatio Alger upward-and-onward appeal to the young man of the period. He could order correspondence lessons from Johnson Smith in everything from playing the ukelele to
“NEW AND SIMPLIFIED METHODS OF MIMICRY, WHISTLING AND IMITATIONS”
as well as
“POLISH SELF-TAUGHT
” (#1128, 35¢). In a day when education beyond the Fifth Grade was a rarity, these Self-Help courses were no joke and represented real education to the people who studied by kerosene lamps.

The constant drive for financial success which has played an important role in creating the character of America is well documented throughout the Johnson Smith catalog. Just one example:
THE BOOK OF GREAT SECRETS: ONE THOUSAND WAYS OF GETTING RICH! “To persons who work hard for a living and then don’t get it, we have a few
plain words to say. Every person wants to make money and wants to make it fast and easy. This book will tell them how.”
For only 25¢ this fantastic volume (#1250) outlined money-making schemes ranging all the way from home recipes for Holland Gin to how to make Corn Cures to a formula for treating
“Various diseases to which horses are subject.”
I’m curious about the number of people who read this volume and then went on to fame and fortune using the tested formula for making Eye Water or Tomato Catsup that the 25¢ book gave them.

To the superstitious and the basically ignorant, attaining wealth has often seemed to be a matter of luck or secret, sinister, mystic knowledge. Johnson Smith stood ready to provide the struggling clod with the hidden key. If he couldn’t make it as an honest veterinarian or plumber he could at least master Hypnotism and gain his ends by treachery. And at a remarkably low cost. Catalog #1559,
MYSTERIES OF CLAIRVOYANCE
is only one example of numerous appeals that Johnson Smith made to the superstitious side of rustic America.
“How to make yourself a perfect operator. This work lifts the curtain and tells what some books only hint at.”

“Discover Thebes and find out where the plunder is hidden.”

“To see the issue of all ‘Pools’ whether in stocks or financial matters. Be the MASTER.”

“This book should be kept under lock and key. You don’t want everyone to be as wise as yourself!”

All of this for only a thin dime.
“COMPLETE EXPLANATION AND INSTRUCTION OF MESMERISM AND PSYCHOLOGY.”
So much for Freud!

The fascinating mixture of primitive mysticism and modern technology is one of the things that make the Johnson Smith catalog so endlessly intriguing. Its pages are jammed
full of every human vice and fear. Cupidity, nobility, lust, piety; all are given equal space, and significantly there is no sense of embarrassment or shame anywhere. Violence is taken for granted in almost every form of activity. “Emergencies” are continually encountered on every hand. Johnson Smith was pre-eminent in the field of providing personal tools of mayhem for the righteous. Nowhere is it hinted that the bad guys could just as easily mail in the 25¢ for the
SILENT DEFENDER
or
ALUMINUM GLOVES
(#2095). These case-hardened lightweight knuckledusters are described as
“very useful in an emergency.”
The buyer was advised to
“buy one for each hand.”