The Final Exam (12 page)

All the signs of promise that had been displayed only moments earlier evaporated as Abernathy viciously snarled and growled at Mrs. Wellington.

“I bet you crashed this plane on purpose to try to make me forgive you!”

“I did not,” Mrs. Wellington snapped. “What kind of lunatic do you take me for?”

“The kind who would fake her own death!”

“Who told him that?” Mrs. Wellington demanded angrily of the children.

Hyacinth nodded in Theo’s direction as the boy all but climbed beneath Macaroni’s bulky body.

“Madame, Mister Abernathy,” Schmidty said sternly, “might we continue this altercation outside?”

Just then a loud and most disturbing snorting sound
came from the front of the plane and resonated through the chamber. As Pilot Aronson opened the cockpit door, the group saw a flash of Sylvie through the windshield. Rather spectacularly, she was unharmed, aside from minimal bruising.

“Did someone forget to mention that a crazy woman who looks like a pig is stalking them?” Pilot Aronson asked animatedly.

“Yes, now that I think about it, I
did
forget to mention Sylvie,” Mrs. Wellington said without a tinge of embarrassment. “I can tell you now if you like: there’s a crazy woman who looks like a pig stalking me.”

“How do we plan to get out of here without Sylvie on our tail?” Garrison asked.

“Pilot Aronson, how far are we from the airport?” Lulu inquired, covering her throbbing left eye.

“We’re here.”

“But this is just a dirt field,” Madeleine said, looking out the window.

“Welcome to Sarnacville Airport, also known as a dirt field,” Pilot Aronson announced before returning to the cockpit to radio for help.

“Oh, no, look at all those trees! I bet they’re loaded
with creepy crawlers absolutely desperate to torment me,” Madeleine screeched, panicky.

“But why would they want to torment you?” Abernathy squeaked reasonably.

“How should I know? You’re the one who’s friends with them,” Madeleine barked aggressively, or as aggressively as a polite English girl is capable of.

Pilot Aronson quickly returned to the cabin with an important update.

“The pig lady’s foot is stuck in the fan belt, so if you’re looking to make a break for it, now would be a good time.”

“I’ve decided it most prudent that I remain on the plane,” Madeleine stated quietly.

“Madeleine wants to stay on the plane, I think she is insane, something’s wrong with her brain, let’s order chow mein,”
Hyacinth sang inappropriately.

“That sounds like a Top 40 hit to me,” Abernathy said sweetly.

“Insect lover,” Madeleine grumbled at Abernathy. “I don’t care what anyone says; I shall remain here.”

“I didn’t want to have to tell you this, but Mrs.
Wellington’s whole spiders-die-at-ten-thousand-feet thing is nonsense. And if you don’t believe me, there’s a huge web behind you to prove it,” Lulu explained seriously to Madeleine.

“How could you?” Madeleine hollered at Mrs. Wellington as she leaped for the door.

Mrs. Wellington quickly surveyed the plane and noted that there wasn’t a web in sight.

“Don’t be so surprised. You’re not the only one who knows how to lie for someone else’s own good,” Lulu said with a smirk.

“Well done, contestant. Although I prefer the term ‘fib’; it’s less likely to be used against you in a court of law,” Mrs. Wellington said as she exited onto the dusty field.

While Sylvie Montgomery could not actually see the group departing the plane, she could definitely smell them. Her spherical snout was sniffing with unbridled intensity as each member marched off the busted mess of metal.

“You won’t escape!” Sylvie screamed, still firmly lodged in the engine. “My nose will find you! You’re only making my story all the more worthy of a Snoopulitzer!”

With Mrs. Wellington and Schmidty in the lead, the group stealthily tiptoed to the edge of the clearing and into a dense cluster of trees. Flowering crab apple and thick-trunked maples beguiled the madcap mob as they rushed down a barely discernible path.

“Do you guys know where you’re going? Because after a plane crash, getting lost in the woods is not high on my wish list,” Lulu groaned to Mrs. Wellington and Schmidty.

“Of course we know where we’re going. We’ve been here more times than a cat can count,” Mrs. Wellington stated, pushing pink-blossomed branches out of her way.

“Do you hear that? It sounds like flying water beetles or mutant airborne spiders,” Madeleine fretted feverishly as she attempted to pull her shower cap over her entire body.

“Uh-oh, I think the Brit’s going batty again,” Theo assessed rather impolitely.

“Maddie,” Garrison said reassuringly, “Lulu, Theo, and I are going to create a human shield to make sure no insects or spiders can get within three feet of you.”

“Thank you,” Madeleine whimpered as the threesome surrounded her, swatting away every last gnat, spider, and bug.

Following closely behind the human bug repellers were Hyacinth, Celery, Macaroni, and Abernathy. While Macaroni usually preferred the company of Theo, he found all the arm-waving more than a tad bothersome. Oddly, he didn’t mind the tone-deaf Christmas carols Hyacinth and Abernathy belted out, proof that canine hearing may not be as superior as previously thought.

“Is anyone else starting to hate Santa?” Lulu asked, clearly annoyed by Hyacinth and Abernathy’s rendition of “Santa Says Smile.”

“I’m boycotting the whole month of December,” Garrison grunted.

“Who cares about Santa? Aren’t you guys worried about this Basmati fellow? I’m barely able to handle Mrs. Wellington, and now we’re meeting another off-the-grid teacher. For all we know, this guy just escaped from the mental ward at Guantánamo Bay,” Theo whispered frantically to Lulu, Madeleine, and Garrison.

“Is that the pirate ride at Disneyland?” Garrison asked earnestly.

Madeleine blushed as she looked at Garrison. As gorgeous and kind as he was, he really hadn’t a clue about the world.

“Garrison, Guantánamo Bay is a detainment facility in Cuba, built to hold prisoners from Afghanistan and Iraq,” Madeleine offered with a kind smile.

“Thanks, Maddie. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Upon hearing this, Madeleine turned a shade of red she didn’t even know existed. She was simultaneously excited, embarrassed, and electrified by his comment.

“Theo has a point about Basmati. We haven’t a clue what we’re getting into with him. For all we know, he could make the Abernathy situation worse,” Madeleine said, flinching at the sight of a bee twenty feet away.

“You say that as if it could possibly get worse! In case you haven’t noticed, we are at rock bottom. Sylvie is about to destroy the school and publicly humiliate us all in one fell swoop,” Lulu stated firmly.

“Wrong,” Garrison replied authoritatively. “Where Wellington is concerned… it can always get worse.”

W
hat is that?” Lulu griped as she plugged her nose. “Theo, did you pass gas?”

“How dare you?” Theo thundered. “I would never! Well, at least not in the presence of other people. What do you take me for, a bulldog?”

“That’s not Theo,” Madeleine quickly assessed. “Sulfur dioxide smells like rotten eggs. My guess is there are hot springs nearby.”

“Hot springs? How much water are we talking about?
A bucket? A bathtub? A pool?” Garrison asked with escalating concern.

“Contestants! Hurry!” Mrs. Wellington called out from around the bend.

As Lulu, Madeleine, Garrison, Theo, Hyacinth, and Abernathy turned the corner, gray clouds ominously passed overhead. With the last shred of sunlight fading, the group took in their new surroundings. It was a strange and unique union of beauty and peril. Barbed wire rambled across the stone wall like a wild unkempt vine, its jagged points shimmering in the setting sun.

Surrounding the spherical fortress wall was a moat with clouds of sulfur lingering just above the surface. Weathered by years of steam, the narrow wooden drawbridge was held precariously together by frayed twine and rusted nails. So absorbed was the group by their new environment, they unanimously failed to notice Garrison’s drastic change in demeanor.