The Five-Minute Marriage (30 page)

“
Not to my knowledge,
”
said Delphie. Then, observing that her mother was comfortably engaged in a game of whist with Miss Beak and the two girls, she said,

“
Mr. Browty?
”

“
Ay, my dear?
”

“
About that matter—about the subject which you raised last week in Russell Square garden—?
”

“
Ay—ay—
”
Mr. Browty nodded hastily.
“
I know what you will be at, Miss Philadelphia! Mum
’
s the word!
”
—glancing indulgently at the whist players.
“
There they are, so snugly engaged, never dreaming we are looking their way, bless them! They do not hear us. As to that other matter, my dear,
”
he went on, very rapidly, before Delphie could speak,
“
I have been thinking around it, as you bade me, and I have come to the conclusion that you were quite right—quite right, my dear! We should not suit! January and
May, youth and age—no, no, you were perfectly in the right, and it would not have done. Besides, now your great-uncle
’
s underground, I dare swear that you will be well on the way to making a fine match of it yourself! So we
’
ll shake hands on the matter, shall we, and say no more about it?
”

He held out his hand, and, rather disconcerted, Delphie laid hers in it. The interview had not gone in the least as she had planned. But, left with no alternative, she replied,

“
Yes, sir; that is—no.
”

“
Now, then,
”
pursued Mr. Browty,
“
there
’
s another thing I was wishful to say to you, Miss Philadelphia, while the gals were all busy at their cards.
”

“
Indeed, Mr. Browty? What is that?
”

“
I happened to be closeted with my man of business today, who is a devilish clever follow—a lawyer named Mundwinch
—
looks after the affairs of half the titled snobs in the Kingdom
—
wonderful attorney he is—you can trust Jos. Browty to find out the best—
”

“
Yes, sir?
”
said Delphie, as he seemed to have lost his thread.

“
Ah, yes, old Mundwinch; he told me a deucedly queer tale. That cousin of yours, the new Viscount, had best look out; he ain
’
t above high-water mark yet!
”

“
What can you possibly mean, sir?
”

“
Why, Mundwinch—knowing I
’
ve an interest in Lord Bollington—told me that he had been approached (this was in strict confidence, mind, for I
’
m one of his best clients, and he knew I wouldn
’
t pass it on and,
”
said Mr. Browty robustly,
“
I know
you
won
’
t pass it on, Miss Philadelphia—)
”

“
No indeed! You can have confidence in me. But who approached him, Mr. Browty?
”

“
Fellow by the name of Fitzjohn—seems he
’
s some wrong-side
-
o
’
-the-blanket connection of Lord Bollington.
”

“
Certainly; I have met him. He was my great-uncle
’
s agent, and I am bound to say that Uncle Mark spoke highly of him.
”

Insofar as he was capable of it, Delphie thought.

“
Hah! Well, no sooner is your uncle cold on his bed than Master Fitzjohn is around at Mundwinch
’
s office, bringing a suit to prove that
he
’
s
the rightful heir!
”
said Mr. Browty triumphantly.
“
So maybe you
’
d best wait awhile before deciding which cousin to aim for, Miss Philadelphia! Aha, you look surprised! Thought that
’
d have you took aback! Directly I heard that news, I thought, Miss Philadelphia would take an interest in that. So you had best warn your great-cousin to be on the lookout
—
naming no names, of course!
”

“
I will indeed, sir, and thank you! But what a strange thing! How can that possibly be?
”

“
Ah well, the way Mundwinch had it, this here Fitz has papers to prove that his granda was
married
to some wench that all the world thought was only his bit of frippet—if I don
’
t offend you, Miss Philadelphia?
”

“
Not in the least, sir; facts must be looked in the face. But
—
good God! If that were the case, then not only my cousin Gareth
—
but also my great-uncle Mark would have been out of the succession; in which case,
whatever
will he has made would, I suppose, be invalid!
”

“
Ah, you
’
ve a right smart head on your shoulders, lass! I daresay you should ha
’
been a man,
”
remarked Mr. Browty.
“
Trust you to seize the nub of the case in a twinkling!
”

“
Thank you, sir,
”
she said, rather wanly.
“
You have given me a great deal to think about. I wonder why Mr. Fitzjohn did not bring the suit before, while great-uncle Mark was still alive?
”

“
Doubtless,
”
said Mr. Browty,
“
if he had expectations under that Lord Bollington
’
s will, he thought it best to secure
‘
em, before trying for more. Didn
’
t want to lose his cheese for the moon! The old feller would hardly have made a bequest to someone whom he might consider a Viper in his bosom.
”

“
Yes—I daresay,
”
said Delphie.
“
But I believe they have just finished their card game and we should be thinking of returning home—to Curzon Street. It has been a most enjoyable evening, Mr. Browty.
”

Which polite statement was, from Delphie
’
s point of view, very far from the truth.

1
4

On the following morning, early, Mrs. Carteret received a note from her friend Lady Bablock-Hythe:

My dearest Ella:

I write to inform you that I have lost no Time in Evicting that bold-fac
’
d Creature from my residence, together with her Odious Maid. Needless to say, she was all Innocence and Ignorance; could not Imagine how I cd believe such a Tale of her, was in Despair that she had lost my Favour
,
Then How, Miss, said I, can it be that you told me of your Mamma
’
s Death in childbed
&
now I find that it is No Such Thing, that my Sweet Freind has all this time been living but a Bowshot from Brook St? Answer me that, Miss? Alas, Ma
’
am, says she, I must confess that here I fell into a trifling Prevarication; the truth being that I did not wish to distress you—for Mrs. Carteret, my Mamma, has run Mad any time these 20 years & is given, at times, to fits of the most Horrid nature; not only which, but, due to her Insanity, she quite refuses to Acknowledge me, has adopted another young lady, who comes from I know not where,
&
in proof of the Truth of what I say, & my own Claims, I can here shew you a Certificate of my birth. Pho, pho, Miss, says I, wd you have me beleive some dirty bit of Paper sooner than the evidence of my own Eyes & ears? My dear freind Mrs C acknowledges the sweet Philadelphia as her own Daughter, & that is enough for me. Alas, Ma
’
am, says she, Feigning to wipe a tear from her false Eye, but this young Person that my Mamma is putting forward may indeed be a daughter of her
’
s, but as to what kind of person was her Father, who can say? for she was born after the death of Captain Carteret (my late esteem
’
d Parent) and subsequent to my Mother
’
s Madness—You can imagine, my sweetest Ella, that I did not stand idly by
&
hear you thus scandalously Traduced. Out upon you, you False, Spiteful creature, I will listen to no more of your Duplicity
(cried I); I must request you instantly to leave the protection of my Roof & betake yourself elsewhere. Oh, Madam, cries She, all tears, if you desert me where ever shall I go? That, says I, I neither know nor Care, so I am not subjected to your Impostures & Deceits for another half-hour, & so I turned my back on her & desired the servants to see that She and her belongings were forth from the House by nine o
’
clock. I believe she is now Gone
.
I am all impatience to welcome my Ella & her Delightful child in that Harpy
’
s place. Do not delay, therefore, my dearest freind, but pray make haste to come today, by noon, if it may be done; if This is Convenient to you, I will have my Carriage sent shortly before that Hour in order that we may Continue the Felicities of our Sweet recollections & mutual discourse
&
I may have the Pleasure of introducing your dear Philadelphia to the Polite World.

I remain, Sweet Freind,

Your ever-devoted & affectionate, Maria Bablock-Hythe
.

Mrs. Carteret
’
s gratification at this epistle was somewhat alloyed by learning of the scandalous slanders being spread about her by her pretended daughter, but Delphie did her best to make light of these, and turn her mother
’
s thoughts in a more cheerful direction.

“
After all,
”
Delphie pointed out,
“
now that Lady Bablock
-
Hythe has withdrawn her protection and favor from the young lady, nobody will pay any regard to what she says; it will be universally assumed that
she
was the imposter, and, since no one suggests that you are not the true Mrs. Carteret, your version of the case must be believed.
”

“
I
’
m sure I hope so,
”
said Mrs. Carteret rather dolefully.
“
It is all very singular, Delphie, and I think it a great shame that persons should tell such lies about us!
”

Delphie then easily distracted her mother by asking what garments she thought they ought to take with them to Lady Bablock-Hythe
’
s residence, a needless question, since both their wardrobes were so small that their only possible recourse was to take everything they possessed, but it had the effect of diverting Mrs. Carteret into a discussion of what it would be suitable to wear for morning calls, card parties, an evening at Vauxhall Gardens, or an Assembly at Almacks.

Delphie listened unmoved to an account of the pleasures that were probably in store for them; her heart was heavy, and, despite her reassurances to her mother, she was in considerable anxiety as to what harm the false Miss Carteret, in her rage at being dislodged from her secure footing in Brook Street, might attempt to do to them.

When they had packed up their clothes, Delphie mounted the stairs in order to take leave of the Palgrave family.

She had imagined that, now Mr. Palgrave was returned to the bosom of his family, Una would be less anxious for her own company, but this proved not at all the case.

Mr. Palgrave, it seemed, had already appropriated one of the rooms on the top floor for his exclusive use as sanctum and study; he spent all his time there, and was hardly more to be seen than he had been during his incarceration in the Marshalsea. Indeed, the only persons who benefited from his release were the children, no longer obliged to carry his meals to Southwark twice daily; and their joy was not unalloyed, for they reported that Papa was forever putting his head out of the door to bid them make less noise; while his wife seemed to derive no pleasure from his return whatsoever, and made no secret of her resentment at his unaccommodating ways.

“
He never speaks, save to complain of the children, or his room, or to ask for something,
”
said she.
“
I declare he is worse than Gareth—men are odious creatures! He has no consideration whatsoever for my afflicted state of health!
”
And when Delphie announced their imminent departure, her distress equaled that of somebody losing a lifetime
’
s friend.

“
Oh, my dearest Delphie, are you indeed leaving us? Oh, how acutely shall I miss your sweet companionship! I trust that your removal will be of short duration, and that you will soon be returning to us?
”

Delphie said that she did not think so. Her mother
’
s spirits had been so deeply affected by the death of Lord Bollington, that the house had acquired unhappy associations for her, and nothing but a complete change of scene could restore her serenity. (This, if not the entire truth, contained such a large element of it as to be, she thought, a reasonable excuse to offer for their sudden departure.) Una, however, was by no means satisfied.

“
Oh, my dear, dear cousin, pray reconsider! I shall be so lonely here!
”

“
What, with ten children and your husband? And your brother too?
”

“
But only think! Gareth will probably now reside at Chase, or at my uncle
’
s house in Hanover Square; Thomas never comes out of his study; and the children, poor little things, are merely an exhaustion to my nerves. And if,
”
said Una, with a conscious and somewhat guilty glance at her cousin,
“
if, my dear Delphie, by any chance it was some slight playful remarks I may have passed to Gareth about your dining in Russell Square—some sportive or rallying allusions to the worthy Mr. Browty—only in fun, be certain!—which may have put some little nonsense into his mind
—
and perhaps caused him to be somewhat brusque with you—I am indeed sorry for it! Nothing was further from my intention than to make any trouble between you, and I hope you are not at outs with me? Gareth is in such a fidgety mood at present that the least thing puts him in a tweak; I am sure I do not know what ails him!
”

Delphie coolly replied that she had been quite unaware Mr. Penistone was not in spirits, and pray let his sister not concern herself with such a slight matter, when there were so many weighty affairs to be dealt with; she was sure when Lord Bollington
’
s business cares were settled he would be in an easier frame of mind; and she hoped, also, that the settlement of Great-uncle Mark
’
s will would soon produce more comfortable circumstances for the Palgrave family. Una
’
s face brightened at this cheerful thought, and Delphie left her, not sorry to think that she was removing from the neighborhood of such a whining mischief
-
maker.

She said good-by to the children, who received the news that she was leaving with unaffected disappointment.

“
For you gave us such a bang-up supper, the other night, Cousin Delphie! The little ones said there had been nothing like it since Papa went to jail! Must you really go? We was in hopes you
’
d come with us to Hampton Court some time.
”

“
Well, perhaps I may be able to do that, when we are settled in our new lodging,
”
said Delphie.
“
I dare say we shall not be very far away.
”

She could not restrain a sigh as she thought of the rooms downstairs, so sunny and spacious. Putting aside this regret, she inquired about the excursion to Astle
y
’
s Amphitheatre, and was told that it had been prime, bang-up, the best lark in the world, the most amazing thing possible; they had bought two halfpennyworths of apples, had had excellent seats, and had enjoyed the evening beyond anything.

The Carterets
’
removal was achieved without hindrance; Gareth, evidently,
w
a
s
out of London, or, at least, not to be seen. Lady Bablock-Hythe greeted them most affectionately on their arrival in Brook Street, led them to luxuriously furnished apartments fitted with everything they could possibly require, and was full of a thousand plans for their entertainment
.

It
w
a
s
plain, however, that at least some hours of quiet rest and domestic peace were what Mrs. Carteret really needed, and her good-natured hostess soon realizing this, the two friends immediately settled down to a continuation of their enjoyable chat
.

Delphie, observing this with pleasure, made her excuses and mentioned that she had a lesson to give in Berkeley Square. Lady Bablock-Hythe was scandalized at the thought of a young lady going about London on her own, and offered a maid to escort her, but this Philadelphia politely declined.

“
Indeed, ma
’
am, I am
q
uite used to go about unescorted, and have never suffered the least annoyance, I assure you.
”

“
Oh dear! Really it is quite Gothick, you know, and will not do at all! Fortunately at the
moment
nobody knows you, but as soon as I have introduced you at Almacks, you will really have to give over these gadabout ways, my dear—or I do not see how we shall ever succeed in securing an eligible connection for you and establishing you creditably.
”

Delphie laughed, and made her escape, leaving the two ladies to shake their heads and discuss plans for launching her in polite society. She felt more than a little dismayed at the prospect. In the first place, until her mother
’
s annuity was a settled thing, it would be highly impolitic to reduce her own earnings by discontinuing the lessons she gave; the Carterets could not rely on the continued hospitality of Lady Bablock-Hythe; nor, even had she offered it, had Delphie any intention of accepting her good offices for more than a limited period. Lady Bablock-Hythe was too foolish for any dependence to be placed on her assistance.

Even more dismaying was the thought of the eligible connection they intended to arrange for her. I wonder if Gareth has done anything yet about getting our marriage annulled? thought Delphie as she walked in the direction of Berkeley Square. I wonder if there will be
very
much public notice attached to the process? Whether I shall have to appear in a court? Or make a declaration?

The whole idea was so disagreeable and lowering that she resolved to try and put it out of her mind for a few days; she imagined that Gareth, busy with the funeral arrangements at Chase, would hardly have had time to set about the annulment. However, Delphie resolved that if she did not hear from him about it within ten days or so, she would herself have recourse to a lawyer, perhaps the Mr. Mundwinch spoken of in such enthusiastic terms by Mr. Browty.

But then an even more dismaying thought struck her—if her marriage to Gareth were annulled, would that invalidate Lord Bollington
’
s will? I must consult a lawyer without delay, she resolved.

After the lesson had been given, Delphie walked around to Greek Street to acquaint Miss Baggott of her new direction, and inform the sisters of Mr. Palgrave
’
s second and more legal release from jail. She also wished to apologize to Jenny for Gareth
’
s tirade after the rescue, but that volatile young lady made nothing of it.

“
Lor, Miss Delphie, it was an education to hear him! I only wish Sister could ha
’
been there; I have been trying to recollect his language ever since, I declare! It was as good as a play, I said to Anne, I quite fancied myself in Drury Lane. And I
’
m as happy as can be to hear that the poor gentleman has been set free after all, for it seemed the saddest thing in the world that he must go back into the Clink after all our trouble.
”

Delphie thanked her again, very warmly, for her part in the operation, however misjudged, and inquired after Mr. Swannup and the wedding plans.

“
La, miss, he
’
s forever here now,
”
said Anne,
“
and indeed I shall be glad when the wedding
’
s over, for it fills my sister
’
s head so there
’
s room for nothing else—not that there ever was much!
”

“
Oh, Miss Delphie, I hope you
’
ll do us the honor to be present!
”
cried Jenny.
“
It
’
s to be at the church in Golden Square a fortnit on Saturday, and, indeed, if
you
can
’
t be there I shall think it hardly worth being married at all, so kind as you
’
ve been to us.
”

Delphie readily promised her attendance (after all, Jenny had been at
her
wedding, she reflected); she asked where the young couple were to live, and was informed that the gentleman in the wool hosiery and hat business had been told that the rooms upstairs were not vacant after all, and the Swannups would inhabit them.

“
So it
’
s all turned out just right and tight, Miss Delphie,
”
Jenny said happily,
“
and I only hope you
’
ll be as happy as us, dearie, with
your
gentleman, when you
’
ve come to know each other a little better! For sure, what
’
s a few words spoke in a passion? I like a man as can speak his mind far better than your mimbling mumchance glum grudge-bearers!
”

Allowing this to be true, Delphie nevertheless gave Jenny to understand that there was no future in
that
connection, and that she proposed moving out of the house in Curzon Street as soon as possible. Jenny
’
s face fell grievously at this information, and she was trying strongly to dissuade Delphie from this course of action, when Mr. Swannup entered the shop, looking very breathless and alarmed.

For some minutes, such was the speed with which he had run along the street, that he could say nothing at all, but merely gasp and gape. His face was quite scarlet from running, and his ginger hair stood up in a damp topknot.