The Five Stages of Falling in Love (27 page)

“I’ll come back tomorrow, yeah?”

Blake’s mouth split into a big-toothed grin.
“Yeah.”
He held out his fist to Ben and they did this silly fist-bump thing they’d worked out over the summer.

“Alright, ducklings, up the stairs you go! Go brush the Popsicle off your teeth!” After a few more minutes of wrangling, they finally listened.

I moved toward the door to let Ben out. We were alone again after several hours of screaming kids and other things to occupy our attention. I didn’t know what to do with him except shove him out of my house.

“Thanks for helping Blake,” I told him. “We would have figured it out, but it was nice to have the extra hands.”

“Do you know what I keep thinking back to?” Ben asked seriously. I shook my head. I had no idea. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. “The time you tried to overpay for our dinner at Sullivan’s. The waitress kept trying to give you the change back and you kept trying to hand her more money. It all makes sense now. You can’t add.”

A surprise laugh bubbled out of me. “I can add! I was confused that night! They write their receipts weird there! And Blake’s homework is just insane. It’s like they expect fourth graders to have nothing better to do with their time than work on math problems. I didn’t learn that stuff when I was in school!”

“Don’t you have
a
masters
in education?”

“Well, look at you.
Successful lawyer and math genius.
Congratulations on being awesome.”

“I miss you.” His words killed our laughter.
Murdered it.
My breath hitched in my chest and any coherent thought I had left disappeared.

“Ben…”

“I’m not going to apologize for coming over tonight.”

“I didn’t ask you to.”

“And I want to keep seeing your kids,” he pressed on. “And you. I’ve thought about this for months, Liz. I’ve thought about coming over here night after night. I’ve thought about what you said and the space you needed. But I’m tired of it, Babe. I’m so tired of it.”

“What are you saying?”
 

“I want to be a part of your life. However much you’ll let me. We were friends before we were anything else and if that’s all you’ll give me then so be it.”

My stomach fluttered, butterflies awakening from a dormant sleep. They stretched their wings in my belly and took flight, lifting their faces toward the sun for the first time in months. “You want to be friends?”

He laughed darkly, “No, Liz. I want to be so much more than friends. But if this is all I can have, then I’ll take it.”

“You should move on,” I pleaded with him. “You are such a great guy. There are so many girls out there that would love to be with a man like you.”

His jaw tensed and his eyes heated. “I don’t want to be with other girls, Liz. I want to be with you.” I opened my mouth to argue with him, but he held up his hand and stopped me. “Listen, I get that Grady was your first great love. I get that you had this incredible marriage with him and he was your soulmate. I understand that. And I would never want him to be anything else.
Never.
I have endless respect for him.
For loving you the way that he did, for raising these amazing kids.
I don’t know if I can ever live up to the legacy that he left behind. I don’t know if I want to. But Liz, he died. And you’re still alive. And there is so much left of your life to live. I want to live it with you. I want to be a part of everything that remains for you, good and bad. I want to be there for your kids, for your stressful days, for your amazing days, for all of your nights and for every moment in between. We tried the time apart, but we are better together.
Both of us.
Yes, Grady was your great love, but you are mine. And if you would let me, I would be yours too. There isn’t a limit on how much we can love, Liz. You had Grady. Now have me.”

“Ben, I-”

“Forgive yourself, Liz. Give yourself the freedom to be alive again.” He put his hand on the door and swung it open. I couldn’t stop him tonight. I couldn’t even make words to respond to that speech. He gave me a slow, hopeful smile and disappeared into the sleepy twilight.

I watched him walk across our lawns without looking back. He’d said everything he had to say. He made his point.

And like so many times before, he challenged everything I thought and believed and then asked me to believe it too.

Could I do what he asked?

Did I love him enough to give us a chance? A real chance without the walls I’d built around my heart or the ghosts of Grady’s life haunting us?

Could I do as he asked and give up this buried existence that I’d entombed myself in and live again?

I would never forget Grady. He was my true love.

But maybe some people were allowed to have two. Maybe my love story didn’t end with one man, but continued throughout the course of my life.

Maybe Grady had been able to love the woman that I was, but Ben would get to love the woman I had yet to become.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

I pulled the van to the side of the narrow road and slowed to a stop. I hadn’t been here as often as I should have, but this place had a special familiarity I felt every time I came.

I turned the car off and sat in the still quiet of my car for a very long time.

I needed to face something today and I didn’t necessarily want to.

Gravestones spotted the rolling hills on every side of me, making neat, evenly spaced rows. The grave markers came in every size and shape, but they all declared the same sad event- someone had died.

I had always thought gravestones were fascinating. Rarely were they designed by those that rested beneath them. They were in fact, made from the projected feelings of loved ones that remained alive.
Or the nearest living relative.
Or maybe by the state.

They said what we wanted them to. They represented a part of the deceased that we decided should be displayed.

Grady and I had talked a lot before he died. We had hours to plan his funeral while he wasted away in the hospital. We had long days to make decisions about the kids and their future. We talked about the past, the present and the future. We talked in hopeful tones and despairing ones. We whispered secrets and sweet nothings to each other. And we held on to each other as if our love had the power to keep him alive, to make him healthy again.

Not once did we discuss his gravestone or what would go on it.

After he died, it was the very first realization I had that I would not be able to do this without him.

The man had helped me plan his own funeral. He picked out the songs that would be sung and the people that he wanted to speak. He chose his pallbearers and the minister from his closest group of friends and relatives.

And yet, he had never mentioned what kind of gravestone he wanted displayed above his lifeless body.

When I sat down with the undertaker and he started asking questions about what kind of casket Grady would want to be buried in and what the stone should say, I completely lost it.

Emma and my dad were there to hold me as I collapsed on the floor and wept. The director handed my sister a box of tissues and excused himself from the room. It was obvious he had seen his fair share of grieving widows.

It took me six more hours before I could decide anything.

I cried the entire time.

I just couldn’t bring myself to make such a lasting decision about Grady without him. The color of the stone… the shape… the words engraved into the smooth surface… No matter how much I loved that man, I did not feel equipped to write his final message to the world.

Even now, as I looked at the stone through my windshield, I didn’t like it. It wasn’t Grady. It was my pain and grief. The words weren’t from Grady’s mouth; they were from my broken heart.

This place didn’t remind me of Grady and the life we lived together. This place reminded me of loss and misery. It reminded me of everything that had been taken from me.

When I wanted to see my husband, I looked at his children. I looked at the house he had built for me.

I looked in the mirror at the woman he had loved with everything that he was.

This morning, I had woken with the desperate need to talk to him. I had reached over in our bed and felt the searing slice of loss all over again. He wasn’t there, but I couldn’t shake the pressing urge to talk to him. I had questions I needed to ask him. I had thoughts I wanted to run by him. I needed him here.

I
needed
him.

Except I couldn’t have him.

So, I had done the only thing I could think to do. I called up Emma and asked her for the millionth time to come watch my kids. For a split second I had contemplated bringing them with me. I dismissed the idea as soon as
Jace
knocked his full cup of water onto the floor.

I needed peace and quiet or this trip would be for nothing.

When I told Emma what I wanted to do, she canceled her plans and raced over. I told her she didn’t need to do that, but she completely supported this mission of mine. She’d told me so at least thirteen times.

With a heavy sigh, I opened my door and stepped into the crisp morning. October had turned beautiful in the last week. The big trees rustled with bright yellow and orange leaves. The grass had turned brown beneath the layers of fallen leaves. The air smelled like football and harvest.

I pulled my jacket tighter around my waist and trudged toward Grady’s plot.

There wasn’t anyone else around on this Thursday morning. I had the place completely to myself. The only people around to keep me company were the ghosts of other lives.

I ran my fingers over the rough top of the gravestone for a few minutes, familiarizing myself with the feel of the rock and glittery surface. I walked to the front of the plot and began carefully removing the sticks and leaves that had cluttered up the space.

I walked the length of the plot and then back to the end. I stood several feet from the stone and tried to force myself to be comfortable here. I struggled to find Grady in this place, to feel him close to me again.

But he wasn’t here.

He had departed from this earth more than a year ago and there was nothing I could do to bring him back.

He was gone forever.

I could accept that now.

I finally settled on sitting down. I tucked my long pea coat underneath me and leaned against the headstone. My legs stretched out in front of me and I picked up a rust-colored leaf to shred to pieces.

“I met someone,” I began softly. I had a lot to say, but I was in no hurry to get it out. “Well, really, he met me. He lives next door. You know, in that house that took forever to sell? He moved in about six months after you left. His name is Ben.” I stopped talking and listened for a response, some sign that Grady could hear me. The wind blew, the leaves skittered along the pavement, the sun shone brightly in the sky, but Grady did not answer me.

I went on, “I think I annoyed him at first. I was out of my mind for a long time, Grady. I couldn’t keep it together. I was a walking catastrophe.
One disaster after the next.
Ben… Ben stepped in and cleaned up my messes. He made life easier for me. He became someone I could count on first. And then he became my friend.
And from there…
I’m still not sure when it happened or how it happened, but we seem to have fallen in love.

“I didn’t mean for it to happen. In fact, I fought it for a long time. And I think he did too. It’s not exactly easy to fall in love with a woman that has four kids. That’s your fault by the way. All those kids… just the way you wanted it. Besides that, I can be difficult. You knew that better than anyone. So, I don’t know what we were thinking.
Or if we were thinking.
I think it happened so subtly that neither of us knew to stop it.

“You were like fireworks. That’s how I think of falling in love with you.
One beautiful explosion after another.
The first time you kissed me. The first time you made love to me. The first time you told me you loved me.
When you asked me to marry you.
Our wedding day.
As I watched you become a father and then a great father. Every step we took together felt monumental. I fell for you hard and just kept falling.” I paused to wipe away heavy tears. “God, I miss you.”

It took me several more minutes before I could continue, “Ben didn’t happen like that. There were no fireworks or epic moments. It was just us, lost and wandering. It was like we were taking this journey, both of us, but separately. Until one day we started taking this journey together. Neither of us knew where we were going at first. Not until we met each other and started walking together. Then all of a sudden I knew I had a destination again, I had a compass. Our love happened as the miles passed and we felt a little less lost. It happened as the road became clearer and less lonely. He came in like a sigh, a soft breath of hope. He happened to me through tears and grief and missing you so much my body hurt. My heart hurt.

“But now I hurt for a different reason. I told him to leave and he listened. Grady, I love you. I don’t think I will ever stop loving you. I can’t. You’re too much a part of who I am. But somehow I love him too. And I don’t think I can live without him.

“I had to give you up.
Against my will.
But I don’t have to give up Ben. Not if I don’t want to. If you wouldn’t have died, I don’t think I would have ever gotten to know Ben. I think he would have stayed a neighbor, nothing but a passing acquaintance. I think he would have found someone else to love. And you and I would have lived out our happily ever after.
 

“But you did die. And Ben and I did get to know each other. Grady, you are the love of my life. That will never change. Except that because of Ben, my life doesn’t have to end. Maybe he’s the love of my second chance.

“You can’t tell me how you feel, but I think I already know what you would say. And I’m going to tell you how I feel whether you can hear me or not. You’re the one that made me promise to not let my light die out. Did you know this would happen? Did you expect me to meet another man? Or did you just know that your death would hit this hard? For a long time, I didn’t think I could do this without you. Now I know I can do this because of you.

“I’m going to try it again with Ben. I’m going to see where this goes with him. I don’t imagine that it will be easy. I’m still a pretty big mess. I still feel a little lost. I still miss you. I still love you. But Ben makes all that easier. He forces me to live life again and makes me smile. He fills in all of the cracks you made when you left me. I love you, Grady. I always will. Just please… please forgive me for not loving only you.”

“Oh, Liz!”

I jerked, so surprised to see someone standing over me. I blinked through my tears and up at the sun to see Katherine sobbing. Her shoulders shook with the force of her tears.

I didn’t know how I hadn’t noticed her before, but I was more than a little embarrassed that she might have heard my speech to her son.

Before I could get up, she collapsed next to me and clasped me in a tight hug. Her crying continued, deep and soul-crushing. I held her back, refusing to let her go through this alone.

Finally, after a couple more minutes, she pulled back so she could look me in the eyes. Her gray bob whipped around her wet face and the front strands stuck to her cheeks. Her makeup had run and her soggy tissue was now useless.

“He forgives you, Liz,” she cried to me. “Oh, Honey, he forgives you. He would never hold this over you or feel less for you because of Ben.”

“How do you know?” My chin trembled and my tears started all over again.

“Because Grady knew what a prize you were. Oh, you should have heard him brag about you to me. He just thought the world of you. He knew he had something special, something that any man would be beyond lucky to have. And he knew that the beauty in you wouldn’t die simply because he did.” She reached out and clasped my hand in between hers. “Liz, Grady loved you enough to want you to continue living long after he was gone. And I think he would approve of Ben. I think he would be very happy for you.”

“I thought you hated me.” I wiped at my eyes, but it was no use.

“Why would you think that?” she gasped.

“You saw us at the spring play and… and… I was so ashamed. Trevor hated him. I thought you must too! And hate me because I had moved on so quickly after Grady died.”

She shook her head forcefully. “No, no I never thought any of those things. Anyone that knows you can see what a struggle it’s been for you to lose him, and not just because of the kids or the house, but because you are hurting. Honey, I
know
you loved my son. That didn’t change because you met someone knew.”

“But you haven’t really talked to me in months! I thought… I thought we were making progress until Ben showed up and then…” I couldn’t say anything more. I wanted her to fill in the blanks.

She let out a pained chuckle. “I stayed away for Ben, not because of Ben. He seemed like such a wonderful man and just like with Grady, I could see how much he meant to you. I didn’t want to scare him away from you. I didn’t want him to be hesitant about a relationship because every time he came around, the mother of his girlfriend’s dead husband was there. I thought I was doing you a favor.”

I laughed through my tears as relief flooded me. I could never have anticipated that answer. Katherine was such a surprise. It was a shame I didn’t find this out before Grady passed away.

“Ben isn’t like that,” I assured her. “He… he isn’t afraid to be reminded of Grady. He isn’t intimidated by my grief. He somehow manages to help me deal with the pain and add more to my life than I deserve.”

“No, Sweetie…” She squeezed my hand, letting me know how serious she was. “You deserve all of the happiness you can find. That includes Ben. If you think you’re ready for something with him, then I think you should go for it. Go as far and fast as you want to. Your happily ever after is far from over.”

I blushed, realizing how much of my speech she had heard. “Thank you, Katherine.”

“No, Liz, thank you. Thank you for keeping me in your lives and bringing such joy to mine. It makes me so very proud of my son to know that he could find such a treasure.”

We sat there for another hour, talking about Grady and remembering little things he had said or did. We probably looked ridiculous sitting on the stiff grass, crying our eyes out. But we didn’t notice anyone else. It was just Katherine, me and Grady’s memory.

His ghost had drifted away and I was left with only the warm memories of a man I loved.

By the time we parted ways, I had a smile across my face and hope in my heart. I had also made a decision.

Ben was right. I didn’t have to give Grady up to be with him. I just had to be with Ben and trust that my love for both of them only made my life better.