The Forest at the Edge of the World (37 page)

Perrin sat motionless for another long minute, his hands still covering his eyes, while Mahrree tried to think of something—anything—to say. But she had no words that could possibly overcome what he was still reliving.

“This isn’t what they do,” he murmured. “They’ve never done this before . . .”

Eventually he pulled his hands from his eyes, and he appeared to be a different man, as if the disillusioned officer in him was abruptly snuffed out, leaving only her troubled husband.

It was remarkable how he could ignore so much of himself, Mahrree marveled. As if he actually were two different men, just as she thought after the second debate. But she was sure the officer would resurface. Perrin had likely shoved him into a back room of his mind, but he would soon break out.

Still, Perrin’s face was noticeably softer as he reached across the table and took her free hand. “This couldn’t have been easy for you. I was hoping a day like this wouldn’t come for some time. But then again, we made a good enough show of force that this shouldn’t happen again for a long while. They’ll think twice before coming back,” he added with a small, pitiful smile.

She tried to smile too. “I’m just happy you’re home. And I know there’s no good reason for me to be crying. I think I just need a nap, too.”

Half an hour later she collapsed on their bed, and before her husband came upstairs to join her, fell into the deepest sleep she’d had all week.

When she woke up several hours later, she felt more her regular
self. It was already afternoon, and Perrin was sitting at the small desk in their bedroom, drafting his report of the raid for Idumea. When she opened her eyes fully he glanced over, smiled thinly, and went back to work.

“How are you?” she asked.

“Fine,” he said without looking up.

Mahrree sat up and hugged her knees. “I mean, how
are
you? You know, about . . . the past few days?”

He paused in his writing. “I’m
fine
.”

“It’s just that we should talk about—”

“We talk all the time, Mahrree,” he said to his papers. “I can’t think of another couple that talks as much as we do.”

“True, but this is different. We should talk about important things.”

“We went through the lists, a few moons ago.”

“No,” she groaned in irritation. Her mother-in-law had warned her about this. “I mean, what you
did
, what you saw, the Guarders, their knives, and how you feel about it, bloodying your sword—”

“I’ve worked it out. I’m fine. It needed to be done, I did it.” He gave her a practiced smile, but she didn’t believe it. His eyes, while normally dark brown, were even heavier with gloom. The officer was back. “No need to talk anymore.”

“Are you sure?” Mahrree said, because she wasn’t.

“Yes.”

“Really.”

He put down his quill a bit too forcefully, spread out his hands, and took a deep breath. “Yes.” He turned in his chair to face her. “Perhaps the more important question is, how are you?”

Mahrree considered for a moment. “Still a little woozy, but I can make dinner.”
That’s
how you give an answer, she thought to herself. Details, explanations.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Are you
really
sure?”

Mahrree scrunched up her lips. “I know what you’re trying to do.”

“
Really?”

“Perrin—”

“Irritating, isn’t it.”

She sighed loudly. “I’m only asking because I’m worried about you! That’s my duty—to worry about my husband. Don’t deny me my duty!”

He finally smiled genuinely. “Just don’t duty me to death, all right?”

“How can someone just talk you to death?”

“I don’t know, but I’m sure
you’ll
find a way!”

For absolutely no good reason, her eyes filled with tears again.

Perrin winced. “I’m sorry.” He walked over to the bed and sat down next to her, the officer shoved again into some recess of his brain. He pushed a lock of hair from her face and evaluated her, seemingly looking for something as he put a hand on top of hers.

“Trust me. If something’s wrong, I’ll let you know. Now, why the tears? You didn’t even cry at our wedding.”

“I don’t know!” she wailed. “Nothing’s wrong!”

That’s when she noticed his side of the bed hadn’t been di
sturbed, and his eyes were still bleary. “You haven’t slept?”

He shrugged that away. “Can’t sleep when it’s light outside. Needed to bring a report to Hogal. I’m sure the whole village has already decided what happened, but he’ll deliver the truth to them tonight at the amphitheater.”

“Wait, you talked to Hogal?”

“I always talk to Hogal.”

“But . . . but you’re supposed to talk to me!”

He squinted, confused. “I always talk to you,
and
I talk to Hogal. I have for years. What’s the problem?”

“You worked it out
with him!
” she cried. “
I’m
supposed to be who you talk things out with.”

Perrin scoffed. “If I talked it over with you, I would have had another vomit mess to clean up. So that’s what’s bothering you? I didn’t
talk
to you?”

“No!” she barked.

But that was a lie. Of course it bothered her, among other things! He’d left her for days with no news, came home angry, and now he told her to stop talking because he already talked?!

“So nothing’s wrong?” he restated. “Should I trust that answer? Because even though my father doesn’t know much about women, he did tell me that when a woman is crying and says nothing’s wrong, she’s the biggest liar in the world.”

At any other moment Mahrree would have smiled, but right now her fury was swirling around her, and she wasn’t even sure exactly why she was furious.

“So, nothing’s wrong?” he asked again, impatiently.

Mahrree pouted. “Well, I don’t want to
talk
when you’re like
this!
”

He was mystified. “When I’m like what? Sitting next to you, trying to find out what’s bothering you?!” his voice grew louder.

“When you’re growling at me?!”

“Woman, you have yet to hear me growl!”

“You’re growling now!”

“This is not—” He stopped and made a fist with his left hand. His voice was tight when he began again. “This is not
growling
, this is
debating
.”

Mahrree shook her head. “This isn’t debating, this is—” She started to cry again. She hated crying, and today of all days she couldn’t control it. “This is
fighting!
”

She looked at her new husband who was now studying her hand. She’d made a mistake. Why did she marry him? What was she thinking? She could see it now—she’d been blinded, believing ev
erything would be wonderful and ideal, with no major
problems.

Most perfect man in the world? Ha!

Perrin continued to study her hand and patted it awkwardly. “How can I know what to fix if you won’t tell me what’s wrong?”

“Well, when I figure out everything that’s wrong, I’ll be sure to tell you!” she declared. “I’ll make a new list!”

Perrin’s shoulders began to shake.

Mahrree didn’t know what to make of it. She bit her lip and wished he would just leave.

When he looked up he was . . . smiling?! How dare he smile?!

“You’re so funny,” he chuckled. “You really are.”

“What?!” she shrieked. “How can you say that?!”

He didn’t even flinch at her volume. “You just strike me as fu
nny right now, that’s all. What, a new batch of tears? Come on, Mahrree!” He put his arms around her.

She wanted to pull away, but she also didn’t want to leave. She’d never felt so, so
irrational
and
girly
before, and it was disconcerting. “You’re just such a, a . . .” she mumbled into his chest.

“What, such a
man?”

She snorted at his tone. She didn’t know where the snort came
from, and she tried to pretend it wasn’t from her, but spiders don’t snort.

Perrin chuckled again. “Well, I am! And you’re such a
woman!
‘Nothing’s wrong!’” he mimicked.

“Perrin, that’s not –”

“Look,” he interrupted. Pushing her gently away, he held her by her arms and looked into her eyes. “We’ve both been on our own for many years, and we’re bound to have some misunderstandings, right? For ten weeks we’ve
enjoyed arguing
—” A small but distinct twinkle appeared in his eyes. “But we’ve never actually fought. We’re just due for an actual conflict.”

“But if you
really
love me—”

“I’ll sit here and try to figure you out!”

Mahrree tried to think of a reply, but couldn’t.  As much as she hated to admit it, he was right. He didn’t
know
her yet, so how would he know what was bothering her? Less than three seasons ago they didn’t even know each other existed.

And maybe—maybe—she really didn’t know him yet.

“Mahrree?”

“I didn’t know where you were,” she murmured. “What ha
ppened to you.”

“So . . . we’ve jumped to the list?”

Mahrree nodded. “You just left me. Alone.”

“You’re used to being alone.”

“Not anymore!”

He sighed. “That’s true. Neither am I, actually. What if I send a messenger the next time I’m detained? So you know why?”

She nodded.

“Next?”

“You were so irritable!”

“Yes. So? Don’t you think I deserved to be, just a bit? I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in . . . I
still
don’t know how long, and didn’t eat decently for days. I witnessed—”

             
He stopped, unable to say the words again, and swallowed hard as the memory hit him. She squeezed his hand hoping to convey that she understood. When he continued a moment later, his voice was almost normal. “After all of
that
, you expect Mr. Charm to walk through the door?”

“I’ve never expected Mr. Charm to walk through that door!” Mahrree finally giggled and wiped her face. “I suppose you have a
point. You’re allowed to act like a bear . . .
sometimes
.”

“Thank you.”

“But do you have to take it out on me?
I didn’t keep you out for four nights.”

“No, you didn’t. Four nights?” He sighed. “I suppose that’s right. But aren’t you supposed to be my support? The one who loves and cares for me, no matter what?”

“I’ve been trying to! It would help if you acted a little more lovable.”

“And how lovable were
you
when you got sick all over the stairs?”

She covered her face with her hands. “Please don’t remind me.”

He carefully pulled down her hands, and to her relief, he was grinning. “I come home, exhausted, expecting to find my beautiful bride waiting eagerly to provide comfort and support, and instead I get another mess to clean up. And you wonder why I was ‘irritable’?”

“It’s not like I planned to do that, you know!” She looked into his dark eyes, wondering
if she would ever get over the effect they had on her. He wasn’t perfect, but—well, he was still somewhat wonderful. “I’m sorry. This wasn’t a very good week, was it?”

“I’m sure we’ll have a few other bad weeks, and a lot more good weeks. This week could still be good,” he suggested. “So, is there anything else I should know about?
Anything
at all?”

“No, Captain, I think you can go back to your reports now.”

He kissed her, seemed to want to say something else, but then got off the bed and went back to the desk.

Mahrree left the bed and went down to the washroom to check his uniform that had been soaking since morning. She lifted the heavy wool out of the cold water and grimaced. The dirt and blood she could understand—most of it had mercifully dissolved in the large washing basin—but she wondered why so much mud seemed to have been caked onto the gold braid. Bits of filth still remained in the twisted sections.

But it was the small clumps of sticky goo she couldn’t understand. She hadn’t thought much of it earlier because too many other things occupied her mind. But now, as she saw a few pine needles floating in the water, she began to wonder. She scraped off one of the sticky parts and sniffed it.

Pine sap.

“Oh, Perrin, what did you do?” she whispered to his uniform. She let it drop back into the water to soak, hoping the rest of the sap would dissolve away, along with her suspicions. She walked into the kitchen to begin dinner, and Perrin soon came down and sat on a kitchen chair. He subtly watched her while she worked.