The Friend of Women and Other Stories (24 page)

W
INTHROP
: Drama? What sort of a drama?

E
LIDA
: Well, I guess you'd call it a romantic drama.

W
INTHROP
(After a pause, frowning):
I trust there hasn't been any trouble with Alexander.

E
LIDA
(With a short laugh):
Trouble!

W
INTHROP
(Sternly):
Has he been bothering you, Elida?

E
LIDA
: He thinks I want to have an affair with him. (
Turning back around, coming out with it all now
) And Aunt Nellie's convinced that we
are.
Not only convinced, but revels in it. And Caroline's wild with suspicion, although not of me yet. Isn't it fantastic? And all over
nothing,
Winthrop!

W
INTHROP
(Shaking his head):
Fantastic.

E
LIDA
: Wouldn't you think they had enough out of life without wanting me, too. It's indecent.

W
INTHROP
(Nodding):
I
suppose there's always something indecent about starvation. You see, they're starved, Elida. Starved for one little slice of genuine emotion. Oh, they've been snapping at each other for years, I know that, but they have no real appetite for themselves. They're too much alike. They want to sink their teeth into a
real
person.

E
LIDA
(Surprised): Me?

W
INTHROP
: Oh, you're tremendously real, my dear. Don't you know that? There's all sorts of emotion in you simmering below the surface. They can smell it. Like blood.

E
LIDA
(After a pause):
I'd like to think that's a compliment.

W
INTHROP
: Of course it is. The greatest they could give you.

E
LIDA
(Getting up):
Oh. I meant a compliment from you.

W
INTHROP
: From me? But you know
my
good opinion of you.

E
LIDA
: Do I? (
Walks about for a moment
) Well, the point is, what do I do about them. Now?

W
INTHROP
: I know what I'd do.

E
LIDA
: What?

W
INTHROP
(
Rather grimly
): They want a drama. I'd give them a drama. I'd give it to them until they begged me to stop. Until they went right down on their knees and begged me.

E
LIDA
: But how?

W
INTHROP
: Can you act?

E
LIDA
: Good heavens, no.
(Reflecting)
At least I've never tried.

W
INTHROP
: I bet you can. With all you have inside.

E
LIDA
: What would you have me act?

W
INTHROP
(Serious):
The lover. The tremendous lover. You and Alexander are Anthony and Cleopatra! The world's your stage. You must tell your aunt. You must tell Caroline. You must lead him to them and blurt out your news. This thing is too big to be secret! This thing is for everyone!

E
LIDA
: Winthrop! You're making fun of me!

W
INTHROP
(Shaking his head):
I've never been more serious. You could do it. I know you could. And can't you
see
what it would do for them? Caroline with her peeking jealousy, and Aunt Nellie with her scatological assumptions, and Alexander with his furtive pinching. Why it would cleanse them! It would dignify them!

E
LIDA
(
Spellbound
): And then what would happen?

W
INTHROP
: Oh, nothing would happen. That's the point. They'd simply be scared to death.

E
LIDA
: By me?

W
INTHROP
: Who else? They'd run like mice.

E
LIDA
: All of them? Even Alexander? After what I've just told you? You're not very complimentary to my charms.

W
INTHROP
: Oh, he's hot enough for a backstairs affair, sure. But the prospect of an open break with the wife who supports him would send him scampering off as fast as his little feet could carry him. Back to
both
his mothers.

E
LIDA
(Pensive)
: I see. It's really a perfect plan, isn't it? Except where does it leave the poor country cousin who's just declared her great passion? I get packed off to Maine, I guess. I'd be the cause of too much embarrassment, wouldn't I? My little act might have given me ideas above my station.

W
INTHROP
(Shocked)
: Oh, Elida, come now. I never meant anything like that.

E
LIDA
: But you're so detached, Winthrop. You sit in your arena box like a Roman senator and watch us poor gladiators fighting below. Every now and then you may devise a new form of combat for us to engage in.

W
INTHROP
(
Really upset now
): Elida, I've hurt your feelings, and I'm very sorry. Please forget my whole silly idea. It was just a joke anyway. A bad one.

E
LIDA
(Relenting):
Oh, it's not your fault. How could you know I was so steeped in... what's it called? The inertly sentimental condition? Who knows what I expected? Maybe I even dreamed you would sweep down on a great black charger and rescue me from Alexander.
(Noise in the hall. Enter CAROLINE followed by a meeker ALEXANDER door C.)

C
AROLINE
(Casually):
Hi, Elida. Good evening, Winthrop. You're dining here? What a glutton you are for punishment.

W
INTHROP
(Mildly reproving):
But I enjoy dining here, Caroline.

C
AROLINE
(Sitting):
You do? Well,
chacun a son gout
, as I always say. It's perfectly extraordinary how many bachelors one sees in the houses of mothers-in-law. It must be a kind of penance they pay for their freedom.

E
LIDA
(Nervous):
Would you like a cocktail, Caroline?

C
AROLINE
: No, dear, don't bother.
I
had one before
I
left.

E
LIDA
: It's no bother.

C
AROLINE
: You think I don't know? Fume and fuss, fume and fuss, and finally that ancient Alice emerges with one rather vermouthy martini on a silver tray. With a cherry in it.

A
LEXANDER
: Darling, that's not quite fair.

C
AROLINE
: Well, who wants to be fair? Tell me what we're in for, Elida. Who else is coming?

E
LIDA
: The Misses Harcrosse.

C
AROLINE
: I could have guessed that. Anyone else?

E
LIDA
: That's all.

C
AROLINE
(Brightly)
: Good. We shall be five women to two men. What Mrs. Hone would call a balanced party.

E
LIDA
: Well, Aunt Nellie did try to get Colonel Sturtevant, but he said he was too deaf for the opera now.

C
AROLINE
(Sniffing)
: As if that were an excuse. He could have had my place. But it makes no matter. After all, Miss Harriet Harcrosse can pass for a man. Did you tell her black tie?

A
LEXANDER
: Really, darling. Your tongue is very sharp tonight.

C
AROLINE
: But you know it's perfectly true, isn't it, Winthrop? The Harcrosses are like a married couple. Everyone knows that.

W
INTHROP
(Ironically polite):
Do they indeed? Miss Emily, I take it, is the wife?

C
AROLINE
: Of course, you know
(she mimics her subject with gestures),
charming, irresponsible, ethereal, the
mad
soul. While Miss Harriet plays the gruff husband, the faithful watchdog, lovingly critical. Oh, keep your eye on them, Winthrop.

E
LIDA
(Warningly):
Caroline, I heard the front door.

C
AROLINE
(Her hand to her mouth):
Oops.
(MISS EMILY and MISS HARRIET HARCROSSE appear at door C. in red and black velvet, respectively, their feet in pumps. Stout and elderly, they resemble each other in squareness of feature and grayness of hair, yet MISS EMILY, the effusive one, is characterized by her sweeping gestures, her habit of playing with her necklace of large pearls, while MISS HARRIET peers
at the room through the severe detachment of her sole adornment, a pince-nez. As they come in, the others rise. MRS. HONE makes her belated appearance at door L. and approaches to meet them.)

M
RS
. H
ONE
: I'm sorry, all. I'm late. Emily, how are you? Harriet? Good evening, Winthrop. Caroline. And my own boy, my good one.
(She kisses ALEXANDER. There is a general shaking of hands before all sit.)

M
ISS
E
MILY
: And dear Caroline, what
luck
to catch you and Alexander free for a family evening. We hear from our nieces how sought after the Alexander Hones are.
(She raises her hands.)
Quite the popular couple, they say.

C
AROLINE
(
Glancing at her husband
): Yes, I've an idea Alexander
has
been rather sought after recently.

M
RS
. H
ONE
(
Defensively, to Caroline
):
I
don't see how anyone could be very sought after working as hard as he has to work for your father, Caroline.

M
ISS
E
MILY
(
Nervous, covering up the pause that ensues
): Oh, the way the young people have to
work
these days! I don't see how they stand it. Why, when Papa was in the railway he used to come home for lunch every day. And drink Madeira. It was a more civilized, a more gracious New York.

M
ISS
H
ARRIET
: That was Grandpapa, Emily, and well before we were born. Papa always lunched at the Downtown.

M
ISS
E
MILY
: Did he? Did he really? Dear me.
(Looking around the room for another subject)
Well, goodness me, does poor Winthrop have to escort
four
ladies tonight? I'll bet he's dying, right now.

W
INTHROP
: I'm bearing up, Miss Emily.

M
ISS
E
MILY
(With a little scream):
Bearing up? Is
that
modern-day gallantry? It wasn't that way when we were girls, was it, Harriet?

M
ISS
H
ARRIET
: Personally, I've always found the gallantry of the so-called stronger sex a much overrated thing.

M
ISS
E
MILY
: Oh, Harriet. You
devil
. (
Turning to MRS. HONE
) You know what she was telling me tonight, Nellie? She keeps records of everything. This will be our fortieth
Tristan.

M
ISS
H
ARRIET:
My
fortieth, Emily. Your thirty-ninth. You remember, you missed one that winter you had the milk leg.

M
ISS
E
MILY
(Shocked):
Harriet,
please. (To MRS. HONE)
Who's singing tonight, Nellie?

M
RS
. H
ONE
: Gluckin.

M
ISS
E
MILY
(With a shrug):
Oh, Gluckin. All very well, I suppose, but hardly Flagstad.

M
RS
. H
ONE
(
Firmly, reverently
): But there's never been anyone to touch Flagstad.

M
ISS
E
MILY
: Why, Nellie, have you forgotten Ternina? Ternina who was pure
magic!

M
ISS
H
ARRIET
: Fremstad was your favorite, Emily.
I
remember distinctly.

M
ISS
E
MILY
(
With authority, as if to close the subject):
Of course,
Papa
used to say that if you hadn't heard Lily Lehmann, you hadn't heard Isolde.

C
AROLINE
(Bored):
I wonder what
his
papa used to say. Jenny Lind?
(MISS HARRIET and MRS. HONE glare at CAROLINE, and MISS EMILY, still the peacemaker, again tries to fill the gap.)

M
ISS
E
MILY
(With a coy glance at ELIDA):
Did you know, Nellie, that Elida and I share a taste for a different kind of music?

M
RS
. H
ONE
(Gruffly):
What kind?

M
ISS
E
MILY
: A lighter kind. Oh, it's not that we aren't loyal Wagnerians, Nellie. You don't have to look at me that way. We're tried and true. But we still have a sneaking nostalgia for the music hall. Don't we, Elida?

E
LIDA
(Confused):
The music hall?

M
ISS
E
MILY
: I was referring to my glimpse of you last summer at what I believe is called a “folly.”
(ELIDA gives a little gasp, and CAROLINE looks up.)

M
RS
. H
ONE
: Do you go to the follies, Emily? Harriet, I'm surprised you let her.

M
ISS
E
MILY
(Delighted to be considered daring):
Oh, Harriet went, too. We'd come into town for poor Daisy Livermore's funeral, and it was a scorching night. They told us at the Colony Club that the theater was air-cooled, so I gave Harriet a look and said
(Coyly),
“Why not?”

M
RS
. H
ONE
: And what was it called, this folly?