The Future of Our Past (The Remembrance Trilogy) (35 page)

My heart sank as I pictured the look on Ryan’s face when I told him. “How long? I mean, when would I need to leave?”

“A month, maybe? Depends how long it takes you to make arrangements, get people in the right places. Replacements for whomever you choose, that is.”

I was still in shock and slightly numb. If it weren’t for my situation with Ryan, I would have been over the moon to be offered this position, but to leave him in the face of almost being together, it was the last thing I wanted.

“Meredith, does it have to be a year? If I agree to six months, will you let me come home after that? I mean, can we compromise? Then it will only be two months added. I want to do this, but I can’t be away from him for a year.” I shook my head as my brow dropped. Could she tell that I would quit before I’d leave him for a damned year?

She looked at me, taking in my pained expression. “Yes, I’ll compromise.”

“And, you’ll bring me back to the states for a full week every two months. And for his graduation. I want your word.”

“You drive a hard bargain. That’s why I love you, but yes.”

I nodded. “I still have to talk to him first. This is only a maybe until I can work this out with Ryan.”

“If you can’t?”

I shrugged. “Simple. I don’t go. He’s the most important thing.”

“He must be amazing in bed,” she teased. “And it doesn’t hurt that he’s beautiful,” she laughed and nodded toward the framed drawing of him on my office wall.

I laughed despite myself. “No. It certainly doesn’t…brilliant and wonderful and very loving. He’s absolutely perfect.”

“Okay, seriously? That’s just sickening, but I bet he
is
amazing in bed!” I blushed as Meredith laughed. “I bet he’s got a huge…” she began but I cut her off.

“Meredith!” I admonished. Ryan’s anatomy was not up for discussion.

She chuckled, picked up her purse and left my office.

I fell back into my chair and wondered how in the hell I was going to tell Ryan about this. The full extent of what it meant began flooding over me.

Shit.

I picked up the phone and pressed Andrea’s extension
. “
Please come in here.”

“Are we going to Paris?” she asked excitedly through the phone.

Nice. She knew before I did?

Suddenly, the beautiful weekend I had planned with Ryan had a huge cloud hanging over it. I ran my hands through my hair and closed my eyes.

“Just come in here, please. I’m leaving early.” I hung up the phone on my desk and dug my cell phone out of my purse, quickly typing out a text to Ryan.

I’m in the mood for a coffee date. Do you have time?

Andrea knocked on the door frame and then walked in, eyeing me wearily. She’d cut her hair to the top of her shoulders after she came to work here, insisting that her long locks were too wild for chic New York. “Julia…you look upset. I told Meredith that you probably wouldn’t want this job,” she said, disappointment dripping off of her voice. “I understand why, though” she nodded as her face fell.

“Um…it isn’t that I don’t want the job. It’s an amazing opportunity for all of us.” She was looking down at the floor but she glanced up.

“I was afraid that maybe you’d want to take another assistant.”

“No, if I go, you’re coming with me, don’t worry…but I’m torn about this, Andrea. I’m pretty sure that Ryan is proposing this weekend. And won’t that be great for him? Yes, I’ll marry you, but first I have to go to Paris for several months?” My eyes welled with tears, and my voice broke.

Andrea moved forward and hugged me. “I’m sorry, Julia.”

“It doesn’t feel like I have much choice,” I murmured, more to myself than to her, as I moved out of her arms. I was wiping at my eyes as my phone vibrated in my other hand. I opened the message, anxious for Ryan’s words.

I’d love to, baby, but I’m on rotation until 7. Can’t until after that. I’ll call you. Are you okay?

“Andrea, I need to walk and think about everything. Can you handle things? Clear my calendar.” She nodded slightly and I grabbed my coat, already heading for the door. “Okay, call if you need me,” I threw my purse over my shoulder and the next thing I knew, I was walking alone in Central Park. My phone vibrated again and I realized I hadn’t texted Ryan in return.

Julia, are you okay? I’m worried now. Please answer me.

I’m fine. I just miss you. I wanted to hear your voice.

I can’t wait until this weekend. I won’t stop telling you how much I love you…and want you.

Love you, too. So much. Go back to work. I’ll talk to you when you’re finished. XXOO

You forgot to say you want me. You do, right?:-)

Of course, shithead. As desperately as ever. Obviously you haven’t gotten your surprise or you wouldn’t need to ask. If you have…OPEN IT NOW.

He had a way of making me smile, even when my heart hurt. He was amazing. I tried to concentrate on the weekend and how much I was going to soak him in; trying to figure out when would be the best time to tell him about the job offer. My heart lurched. It wouldn’t be fair to let him propose and then dump this on him. It had to be before that. I closed my eyes as my throat started to ache. At least then he’d be able to change his mind, which would be fair.

Meredith promised it would only be six months, but I knew how this shit went down. Once she had me in France, it wouldn’t be so simple to get her to let me come back. If it all went as I’d hoped, Ryan would only be in New York for two months without me. I just had to do everything possible to get back as quickly as possible.

Another message came in.

God, Julia…I can smell you on this! I’m fucking ACHING…You’re so mean. LOL

I smiled despite my new dilemma, my body blooming with heat and throbbing at his written words even as my eyes welled with tears.

I’ll wear it for you later. The roses are gorgeous…just like YOU. Love you, so much.

In that moment, I decided not to tell Ryan until Saturday. I wanted Friday night to be perfect and to give everything I had to him. I needed to make him see how much I loved him so that he wouldn’t be as hurt when I finally told him about Paris. I needed to see him happy and fulfilled…we hadn’t been together in almost eight weeks.

I hailed a cab to take me back to my apartment. I still had my car, but it was easier to take a cab to the office. The extra money for the garage was a small fortune and I had seriously considered selling it, but it did come in handy when Ryan was in the city. It was Wednesday and so there were two more days until I’d be in his strong arms. He was arriving at two on Friday and we’d have enough time to get back and drop his things off at my apartment and then get downtown for the concert.

It was starting to snow as I pushed open the door to my building. “Hello, Miss Julia! Happy Valentine’s Day. Is Mr. Ryan visiting today?” Adam, the day doorman, asked brightly as I walked past him.

I smiled. “Not until Friday, Adam. Did you get your wife something nice?”

“Oh, yes ma’am. Did you get a nice gift?”

I stopped and turned back to him, “Yes, he sent me three dozen roses at my office.”

“No doubt, one dozen for each of the three words,
I love you
?” He smiled and winked at me. The corners of my mouth went up slightly.

“You know, I never thought of that, but that sounds like him, though, doesn’t it?”

“Oh yeah, that man’s got it bad, honey,” Adam winked again and I burst out laughing.

“Thank you, Adam. I hope so, since I’m completely gone where he’s concerned.”

“Oh, no worries, little miss. No worries, at all.”

I opened the door to my apartment and flipped on the light in the hall, kicked off my shoes and started to unbutton the jacket of my suit at the same time I hung my coat up on the tree in the hall. I’d skipped lunch and my stomach rumbled so I made my way into the kitchen. On the table, arranged so neatly, were three more vases of roses. This time bouquets of white and red with some baby pink ones mixed in. They took my breath away, they were so beautiful. A card was set up against the base of each crystal vase.

Damn him.
He was so incredible and he had me in tears all over again. He was so tender and loving and I was going to break his heart. My hand moved to my chest as I walked slowly to the table and picked up the cards one by one with a trembling hand.

I love you…with everything I am.

I want you…with a desperation that consumes me.

I need you…more than air.

“Oh, Ryan,” I moaned into my empty apartment, my heart expanding within my chest to the point of pain. God, I loved him and I was the luckiest woman in the world that he loved me this much in return.

What the hell am I doing even considering Paris?

It had been my plan to make his cake tonight, letting it chill overnight and giving the kirsch time to soak into the cake and the flavors of the liquor, cherries and chocolate to blend. I changed into some old sweats and a t-shirt, put my hair up on top of my head and then returned to the kitchen, glancing at the three vases of flowers on the way. I was insane to leave him for any extra time. I tried to rationalize that if everything went as planned, it would only be two months longer than our current situation. Surely, we’d survive two more months so I could have this amazing opportunity.
Keep trying to convince yourself, Abbott
, I chastised myself.

I got out my mixer and double boiler along with the ingredients and went about assembling the cake’s batter. While it was baking, I made the sugar syrup and shaved the chocolate curls into a chilled bowl, putting it in the refrigerator to wait until I was ready to assemble the cake.

My thoughts played hell with my emotions as I worked. We’d been through so much sacrifice and time apart. Yes, there had been pain, but there was so much joy and love that made it well worth it. Even when we weren’t together, I was completely consumed. I’d rather have a text from him than a year with someone else. Nothing had changed in the entire time I’d known him. I loved him as much, probably more, than ever. I washed the mixing bowl and put it in the freezer to chill in preparation to whip the cream that would cover the sides of the finished cake.

The buzzer went off and I pulled the layers from the oven and turned it off, leaving the cake to cool while I went to take a bath. I had an iPod dock in the bathroom and turned to the playlist of slow love songs, one Ryan and I so often played while we made love.

God…I miss him.

The water was running and I left the bathroom to get my phone in case Ryan called me while I was in the bath.
Only two more days
…I lit the candle on the vanity and peeled off my clothes, leaving them in a pile on the floor beside the tub. I sank into the scented water, letting the water soak away the tension, and the music surround me.

Singing in the bathroom was a secret indulgence. No one knew, except Ryan. He knew everything. Sometimes I would catch him listening to me through the door and other times he’d just come in and listen. I liked the acoustics in the bathroom. Cliché I know, but seriously, it sounded great in there and was easier to pick out the harmonies, a challenge that I enjoyed. Ryan used to tease me about my over-achiever tendencies. “Hmmph…” I smiled softly as the memory washed over me, “like he can talk.”

Ryan was gifted at the piano and guitar and sometimes we’d sing together while he played. It started in college, hanging out in our dorms. Just one more place that we connected.

When the soft piano introduction began of one of my favorite songs, I started to hum and finally let the words come out. I loved the softness of the song, and it suited my mood. The lyrics spoke to me of Ryan.

Perfect timing, my phone began ringing as the song faded out and I leaned over and reached for it, knowing it would be my beautiful man.

“Hey you,” I answered softly.

“Hey, yourself. What are you doing?” He sounded tired, but his velvet voice was warm and I could hear the smile behind his words.

“Mmm…taking a bath.” I bit my lip, teasing and waiting for his response.

“Are you naked?”

I laughed. “No, Matthews. I usually take my baths fully clothed.”

“Stop being a smart ass,” he chuckled. “Mmmm…naked Julia; my favorite thing in the entire world.”

“Mmmm is right.”

“Were you singing in your echo chamber?”

“You think you know everything, don’t you?”

“That’s because I do. Deal with it.” he teased.

I laughed out loud, happiness seeping through every cell of my body. “Yeah. I love you. Thank you for the flowers…again. It’s too much, baby.”

He let out his breath and I could almost see him running his hand through his hair. “Never enough for you,” his voice dropped an octave and I could hear the love saturating his words. My heart quickened. “Are you going to bed soon?”

“Yeah, in a bit. I have a couple of things I need to finish first. I wish you were here.”