The Gateway Through Which They Came (16 page)

Koren looks at my hand holding hers, a tear forming along the rim of her lashes, but it’s gone as quickly as it came. She wipes a hand over her face, a sniffle sounding from her nose. The girl I’d do anything for is crying for me and I’m left not knowing why.

“You need me more than you think,” she says.

And, somehow, I don’t think this means what I want it to.

Knowing that doesn’t stop me from saying what I do next. “I’ve always needed you.”

She blinks away a tear and removes her hand from mine. Not exactly what I was going for.

“I’ll walk from here.” Her hand is already pulling the handle before I can insist she stay. “Go home, Aiden. You shouldn’t be out here alone.”

She opens the door and closes it gently behind her.

I can only watch for so long as the image of Koren fades under the canopy of trees.

The next two days start out just as they had Wednesday morning. Everyone in school meets in the chapel for Mass with the exception of Koren. She manages to arrive just as it ends and blends in with the crowd on their way to first period. Neither of us speaks a word about the other night, nor does she so much as acknowledge my presence. Whatever happened between her and Justin has been reconciled.

Lucky for me, Friday is a half day due to Holy Day, which means less time having to watch Justin drool over Koren. He spends more time trying to make out with her than getting to know her. I can’t tell if she’s actually interested in him or just killing time.

“Christmas parade is tonight. We’re going, right?” Evan asks as he strides between Trevor and me on our way to the parking lot.

Of course. Who could forget about the damn parade the student council advertises every hour of every day during November? We need help with this. We need help with that. It’ll take everything in me not to set the stupid floats on fire out of spite.

“I’m down,” Trevor says. “It’s not like I have anything else better to do.”

Only I know how much Trevor hates attending the parade, since he’s complained about it ever since we were kids. He hates all the people and their fake cheer. Evan, on the other hand, enjoys the spectacle. Mainly I think he likes seeing all the chicks in their sexy elf costumes. Trevor’s going for Evan, Evan’s going for the elves. Talk about a mess of emotions.

“I don’t know,” I say. “I’m kind of backed up with homework.”

This isn’t necessarily a lie, but it’s not the full truth either. I
am
behind, but not so behind that I can’t attend a parade. It may have more or less to do with the fact that I was chased down by a shadow figure Wednesday night, and I’m now convinced that life, as I know it, is about over.

I haven’t told Trevor about the figure, considering how freaked out he was over the laugh he heard in the theater dressing room. If it was anything like what I heard on the track, he had every right to be paranoid.

“Don’t bullshit a bullshitter,” Evan interjects. “We know you’re just trying to avoid Koren since Justin will be there. Personally I hope his goofy ass falls off the float. I’m so sick of that guy.”

He’s right, of course. That’s another reason why I don’t want to go. Last year’s parade was far more interesting than this one could ever be. Nothing can beat the way Koren held my hand as the floats sailed by. For a moment, we were us again, watching the parade together like we’d done every year. Her cold fingers gripped mine. No worry or shame of anyone seeing. It was her and me. The way it should always be. I didn’t ask about Justin, didn’t care. It was us, the moon, and the blinking lights she loved so much. Koren peered up at me that night, her smile so wide, her eyes so blue. I should have kissed her then. Why didn’t I kiss her?

That moment is far gone, and this year she’s with Justin
again
. I still don’t understand that, probably never will. Seeing them together, her hand in someone else’s, is not something I can handle right now. Call me a wuss, but I think I’ve had my fair share of
what the fucks
for a while.

“He’s right, Aiden,” Trevor says.

Why am I not surprised?

“It’s not like Koren’s giving you the time of day anyway.”

I glare at him and he shrugs.

I know he’s trying to be a friend, but he wouldn’t have said it had he known what happened Wednesday night. She said I needed her. What the hell did that even mean? Didn’t
she
need
me
? After all, it was me she was clinging to during Mass that day. Me she went looking for that night. Not Justin. She goes from worrying about me, to treating me like some annoying baby brother she can’t get rid of. I’m beginning to feel like some sad sap she has tied to a string, hanging onto lost memories. I really need to man up.

I give in. “All right, I get it. I’ll be there.”

“Perfect! See you guys at six. I’ll bring the flask.” Evan gleefully taps the hood of his car, parked beside Izzie, and jumps into the driver seat. He’s too damn chipper about the whole thing.

Trevor and I watch as Evan drives away. Everyone around us is laughing and soaking up the little bit of sunshine peeking through the clouds as they find their way to their cars. Leaving school at noon is a celebration to most. We only get a few minimum days a year. Unfortunately, I’m not enjoying it nearly as much as I should.

“Want me to pick you up later?” Trevor asks.

I unlock Izzie and turn to him. “Yeah. Thanks, man.”

“No problem. It’ll get your mind off things.” With that, he gives me a salute goodbye and heads toward his car.

It’s comforting knowing we are all on speaking terms again. Things seem normal in that sense, though I can’t keep fooling myself. When it comes to my life, nothing is normal, and I hope for one night, it’ll be Bleeder-free.

he Christmas parade, huh?” Mom says later that evening.

I grab my black hooded sweater off the couch and throw it on, zipping it midway. By the fluctuation of her voice, she finds my “school pride” a bit unexpected. With a quick glimpse in the framed mirror hanging in the living room, I pick at a few strands of my hair to mess it up a bit more.

“You know this wasn’t my idea,” I say.

I stare back at her reflection as she tilts her head slightly, watching as I fuss with my unruly hair. Why do I even try taming this beast?

“Let me guess… Evan?”

I grin. “How did you know?”

“Hm…” She taps her index finger to her chin, playing along. “I’m gonna guess the girls are bringing back the elf costumes.”

“You’d guess right.”

She laughs. Mom finding Evan’s hormones as hilarious as I do goes to show why I love her.

I turn to face her and point to my hair.

“How is it?”

“You need a haircut.”

I figured as much.

Mom comes forward, her fingers reaching into my hair and rustling it about.

“Just like your father,” she says. I pretend not to notice her voice trembling at the end.

“Yeah. We’re handsome bastards.”

“Aiden Ortiz!” she scolds, but her tone is playful. Her fingers continue to twirl my hair between them, and she seems to lose herself in the process.

“Mom?”

“I miss him,” she says. The lamplight reflects in her eyes, their appearance beginning to glaze over. She doesn’t look at me. Instead she focuses on the task at hand, entranced.

“I miss him, too,” I say, and it’s true. Even if I don’t know him that well, I miss the idea of him. Of a father I’d give anything to know.

Her eyes blink rapidly, fighting to rid her tears.

Taking her hands in my own, I lower them between us. “Hey. You should come tonight. It would be good for you to get out for a bit.”

She looks away. Blinkblinkblink.

“Mom?”

“Hm?” Her eyes finally meet mine.

“Come with. Trevor won’t mind you riding with us. I’ll even give you shotgun.”

The term makes her giggle. “Shotgun?” Her nose sounds a little sniffle.

“Yeah. It means you can ride in the front seat.”

Her nose scrunches with confusion, though she smiles with amusement at the same time.

“Just… never mind that.” I squeeze her hands. “Go with us.”

It doesn’t feel right leaving her like this. Not when she’s missing Dad this much, and looking like she could break into a full-on sob any second. What kind of son would I be if I left her here alone?

After a moment, she says, “Who said I wasn’t going?” Her mouth twists into a small grin.

“You are?” I smile back.

“I’m meeting with Father Martin at five thirty.”

Between Mom and me, I don’t know what we’d do without that man.

“That’s great!” Without thinking, I pull her into a hug. It just seems right. “So you’ll be okay until then?”

She gives me a big squeeze before stepping back. “Of course. I’m a grown woman, you know? I’m capable of crying to Barry Manilow, and cleaning myself up enough to go out in public.” She winks.

This makes me snicker. “All right. So I’ll see you in a bit, okay? Don’t fall apart without me.”

“I’ll try not to,” she says as I reach for the front door, and wave goodbye.

Outside, night has crept up on Portland and the streetlights come on as I hop into Trevor’s white Lexus. I don’t even want to talk about how jealous I am that his parents bought the IS 250 the beginning of our freshman year.

I buckle my seatbelt and say, “Guess who’s going to the parade?”

“Who?”

I give him one of those goofy grins that says it all.

His jaw drops. “Beverly?”

“It’s about time, don’t you think?”

He agrees.

Mom never leaves the house unless absolutely necessary. Work, church, and the grocery store. I can’t explain how many times we’ve tried talking her into hangouts with Trev’s mom. She’d kindly refuse, or insist there was too much to be done at home. It’s just the way she is. She feels comfortable there, but it always leaves me feeling guilty. I should be there more. Caring for her like she does me. Her going out tonight will be a treat, for both of us.

Trevor merges into the street, the expression on his face still in shock.

“She’s gonna be like spotting a unicorn,” he says.

“You’re telling me.”

Trevor turns up the music as we make our way to the parade. I find it hard to concentrate when he has big band tunes serenading me. I blame Mr. Atkins for that one.