The Ghost Apple (12 page)

 
c.
1700
:        
After trying to start a mutiny on the merchant ship
Tatterdemalion
, John Morehead Tripoli is marooned on the Caribbean island of St. Renard. He lives among the Carawak Indians for a full year before being rescued, and he’s the first European to taste the fruit of the Carawak Apple Tree, which will later prove to have important medical applications.

 
1769
:        
After making some improvements to preexisting steam engines, James Watt becomes the man we think of as the inventor of the steam engine.

 
1776
:        
Theodor Rubella declares independence from bland snack treats with his delicious biscuit thins, which he sells from the back of his stable in Philadelphia. Hard work! Because of a misunderstanding, he is later hanged as a traitor. Theodor Jr. takes over the business, and his father’s legacy lives on to this day in Rubella Crackers™, one of Big Anna®’s oldest and most beloved snack items.

 
1819
:
       Keith M. Cheek, railroad mogul and uncle of Andrew Cheek, the great father of Big Anna®, is born in New York City on the same day as Herman Melville.

 
c.
1839
:
       Adolphus K. Mortonton begins selling cheese from a cart in Manhattan.

 
1842
:
       Jakov Fleischman takes over Mortonton Cheese Co. when Adolphus K. Mortonton is hanged as a traitor.

 
1846
:
       The Rubella Cracker Company introduces Horse Liver Crisps, precursor of Big Anna®’s beloved Equestrian Classic® crackers.

 
1847
:
       Englishman Joseph Fry manufactures what everybody now thinks of as the first chocolate bar. The truth is that chocolate bars already existed, although Fry may have been the first to introduce factory methods of production to the industry. Where do inventions really come from?

 
1871
:
       Keith M. Cheek signs a contract with the government of Nicaragua to construct a railroad connecting the capital city of Managua, situated close to the country’s Pacific coast, with several Caribbean ports. In the first three years of the project, an estimated two thousand laborers, or about
60
percent of the total workforce, die from tropical diseases like yellow fever and malaria. After laying only sixty miles of track through dense jungle, Cheek declares that the trans-Nicaraguan railroad can’t be built.

 
1875
:
       Andrew Cheek, nephew of Keith M. Cheek, takes over the trans-Nicaraguan railroad project. He imports thousands of Afro-Caribbean laborers, who prove more resistant to tropical diseases than his uncle’s predominately Irish workforce, and sets up banana plantations to provide freight for the railroad and offset skyrocketing costs.

 
1880
:
       The Nicaraguan government defaults on its payments to Andrew Cheek, who raises money from private investors and continues the project himself. In gratitude, the government offers Cheek an “eternal lease” on the operation of the railroad, as well as significant territorial concessions and tax exemptions.

 
1882
:
       Mortonton Cheese Co. acquires the Rubella Cracker Company. The new company is christened Mortonton Foods.

 
1883
:
       Facing bankruptcy, Andrew Cheek halts construction of the trans-Nicaraguan railroad to concentrate on improving the infrastructure of his banana plantations on the country’s Caribbean coast. Construction never resumes, although Cheek’s banana business, soon christened the Tropical Fruit and Rail Company, begins to expand rapidly and soon establishes plantations in many Central and South American countries.

 
c.
1885
:
       In Columbus, Georgia, John Pemberton formulates a coca wine that he calls Pemberton’s French Wine Coca, an imitation of another coca wine called Vin Mariani, which had appeared in
1863
. He sells the concoction as a patent medicine for the treatment of morphine addiction, irregularities of the stomach, and neurasthenia.

 
1886
:
       Fulton County passes prohibition legislation, forcing John Pemberton to develop a nonalcoholic version of his French Wine Coca. The result is Coca-Cola, a watery nerve tonic that goes on sale that year. Gerald Whiteman steals the recipe for the authentic, alcoholic beverage and begins manufacturing it in his basement and selling it as Whiteman’s Wine Coca.

 
1887
:
       Police raid Whiteman’s Atlanta home. He is able to escape to Charleston, South Carolina, where he stows away on a ship bound for Central America. Later that year, he meets Andrew Cheek in Santa Marta, Colombia, and persuades the railroad and banana mogul to invest in his new company, South America Coca and Wine, which he founds at that very moment in the waterfront brothel where the two men are spending the siesta hour.

 
1888
:
       John Pemberton dies. He has been a morphine addict since his first exposure to the drug in a Civil War field hospital, and he’s been struggling to find a remedy for his addiction for more than twenty years. Coca-Cola is just one result of his experimentation. Even if it’s a tale of Gilded Age quackery, Pemberton’s story is very sad, and Big Anna® pays tribute to him by including a short bio and photograph on its Coconut Wine™ beverage, which is enjoyed today throughout the Caribbean.

 
1892
:
       John “James” Otto comes to New York with $
13
in his pocket and starts selling insecticide powder. As an incentive, he offers a free stick of Otto Chew Gum with each can. Later discovering that the gum is more popular than the insecticide powder, he discontinues the gum incentive and resumes selling insecticide powder on its own.

 
1893
:
       Andrew Cheek’s Tropical Fruit and Rail Company acquires South America Coca and Wine from the now-destitute morphine addict Gerald Whiteman.

 
1894
:
       John Otto goes bankrupt and commits suicide. His brother, James “Tex” Otto, arrives in New York to collect his effects and discovers several unopened crates of Otto Chew Gum. Tex Otto has $
11
in his pocket. He begins selling the gum from a cart outside his brother’s building.

 
1895
:
       Andrew Cheek states publicly that he has observed Anna Worthington, wife of rival banana mogul Christian Worthington, consume two full bunches of unripe bananas in one day. Cheek tells the
New York Times
that “Big Anna” is his greatest ally and that he believes she will eat his competitor out of house, home, and business. Continuing the good-natured joke, he names a Colombian plantation after her.

 
1896
:
       Christian Worthington challenges Andrew Cheek to a duel. Cheek accepts, but before the two men can settle their score, Worthington dies of a heart attack probably caused by coca wine poisoning. Tropical Fruit and Rail acquires Worthington Fruit.

 
1898
:
       Bayer begins marketing diacetylmorphine under the trademark name “Heroin.” The new product is intended for use as a cough suppressant, although it proves to have other applications.

 
1899
:
       Tex Otto enjoys his first banana. Astonished by the sweet and delicious fruit, he develops Otto Banana Chew Gum. It soon replaces clove-flavored Otto Chew Gum as Otto Co.’s most successful product. Tropical Fruit and Rail supplies bananas to Otto’s factory.

 
1900
:
       Andrew Cheek marries the widow Anna Worthington.

 
1902
:
       St. Pierre, Martinique, which is known as “the Paris of the Caribbean,” is completely destroyed by a volcano!

 
1906
:
       Otto Co. introduces its first chocolate confection, the Otto Bar, made from rich, thigh-tremblingly sweet West African chocolate.

 
c.
1908
:
       Gerald Whiteman stops using morphine! He’ll be clean for the rest of his life, proving that there’s hope for all of us.

 
1909
:
       Joan of Arc is beatified.

 
1910
:
       Andrew Cheek gets too big for his britches and decides it’s time to expand, first organizing an unsuccessful coup in Nicaragua and then declaring himself king of the so-called Big Anna Republic, a sovereign nation comprised of several Colombian banana plantations, including the notorious Big Anna plantation. That same year, he begins construction of “Big Anna by the Sea,” a lavish three-hundred-room palace.

 
1912
:
       There were no bananas on the RMS
Titanic
, which could have been one reason for the fatal mishap that sent that ship to the bottom of the ocean, since bananas are proven to increase wakefulness and improve concentration. Second-class passengers did enjoy something called a “Coconut Sandwich.”

 
1913
:
       “King” Andrew Cheek hosts a banquet to celebrate the completion of his new palace, Big Anna by the Sea. Guests include Hapsburg archduke Franz Ferdinand, J. P. Morgan, and Tex Otto. Cheek is reportedly dressed in a light, loosely fitting suit made from vampire-bat wool. Otto stays on for two months after the event, enchanted by the natural beauty, stimulating coca wine, and furnace-fire heat for which Cheek’s tiny Caribbean nation is known. J. P. Morgan dies of unrelated natural causes later that year.

 
1914
:
       Archduke Franz Ferdinand dies in Sarajevo of causes unrelated to his experience with the Tropical Fruit and Rail Company or with Cheek’s Big Anna Republic.

 
1914–1918
:
       The Big Anna Republic enjoys consistent prosperity, although Tropical Fruit and Rail struggles during this period.

 
1920
:
       Andrew Cheek dispatches a small expeditionary force to the Caribbean island of St. Renard, where the Big Anna Republic intends to establish a colony. The enterprise is threatened when 80 percent of the colonists die in a yellow fever epidemic later that year, one of the last such outbreaks in modern times.

 
1922
:
       Andrew Cheek agrees to recognize Colombia’s territorial claims and dissolves the Big Anna Republic, although the change is only nominal and Tropical Fruit and Rail continues to rule efficiently over the region.

 
1924
:
       Mortonton Foods acquires Otto Co.

 
1925
:
       Mortonton Foods introduces Moctezuma Chew Chocolate, the precursor of Big Anna®’s Authentic Aztec® Sweet Chocolate Chew™.

 
1926
:
       Tropical Fruit and Rail merges with Mortonton Foods. The new company is christened Big Anna Foods.

 
1927
:
       Andrew Cheek dies peacefully of natural causes and suspected coca wine poisoning at Big Anna by the Sea. Control of Big Anna Foods passes to his son, Ricardo Furenza de la Santidad Cheek.

 
1931
:
       Big Anna Foods acquires Cafélisto, an exciting new company that produces a coffee-flavored soluble drinking powder.

 
1932
:
       Big Anna Foods maintains profitability without laying off a single worker. Nevertheless, thousands of Big Anna workers go on strike, forcing the company to train and dispatch elite security personnel, the precursors of its heroic Big Anna® Shock Troops™.

 
1933
:
       The Dietetic Muffin Company introduces its Banana Bran Muffin at Chicago’s Century of Progress World’s Fair. Originally marketed as a cathartic, Banana Bran Muffins are soon beloved by more than just costive snackers.

 
1941–1945
:
       Big Anna Foods enjoys profitability and expands into new niche markets.

 
1946
:
       When Gerhard von Papenburg, president of the Dietetic Muffin Company, is hanged as a traitor, Big Anna Foods acquires the company. Afterward, Big Anna Foods changes its name to Big Anna® Brands, the name by which the company is known today.

 
1947
:
       Big Anna® brand Banana Bran Muffins®, a reformulation of the Dietetic Muffin Company’s original muffin, are introduced in order to satisfy the continuing demand for semisweet high-fiber snacks like those Big Anna® had produced during a period of ingredient unavailability lasting from
1941
to
1945
. To this day, Banana Bran Muffins® have the most fiber per unit volume of any snack cake or muffin, making them arguably the most dietetic snack product currently available without a prescription.