The Ghosts of Blood and Innocence (64 page)

Loki dreamed constantly of the moment he’d plunged the knife into Darq’s chest. Darq had asked him to do it, and at the time Loki had partially regained his senses, but another part of him had still been full of hate, and it was this part that had guided the blade. Loki could not forgive himself for that. It was not part of the har he’d wanted to be and he wasn’t sure who he was now.

He was surrounded by hara who loved him, and who tried to help him get over the past, but he felt distant from them. He knew this hurt Geburael, who also had grief to deal with, namely his conflicting feelings over the fate of Diablo. Loki knew he should be helping Geburael with that, but hadn’t the energy to think about it. They were never intimate. Aruna too had become tainted for Loki. He’d taken aruna with
Diablo
, for Aru’s sake. At the time, he’d
wanted
to. Geburael didn’t know about this. Nohar did. If Loki’s mind even skimmed over that event he felt utter self-loathing.

While struggling with all these issues, Loki was forced to watch as Darq straightened out his life to perfection; getting things in order, finding his place in Immanion, reporting to everyhar what the world wanted.
As if I can compete with that!
Loki thought. Also, he noticed that as the weeks progressed, Geburael spent more time with Darq, presumably because he was better company than Loki now was. Sometimes, Loki felt very jealous of Darq, and then berated himself for that too. Perhaps he should just disappear. Maybe Ponclast and Abrimel needed an assistant in their distant, rarefied realm.

The festival of Rosatide takes place eight weeks after Natalia, and is a time in Immanion for parties and feasting. It is the time when sap begins to rise in the trees and the hold of winter begins to weaken. Caeru had organised a huge event in Phaonica, and had invited the Parasilians from Galhea, who had yet to meet Darquiel. Loki was hardly looking forward to it. He’d be forced to watch, once again, as hara fawned over his brother and listened in awe to his heroic exploits. What could they possibly say to him? ‘Oh, you’re the one who hated Darq and stabbed him, almost fatally. How lucky that what you did helped him save the world.’

Two days before the event, Loki confronted Caeru in the Tigrina’s apartments, and asked if he could be excused from the party; perhaps he could visit Freygard instead. But Caeru was adamant. ‘No, Loki. You must be there. Think how it would look otherwise.’ He took Loki’s face in his hands and kissed him. ‘Come on, now. Just relax. We all want you to be there.’ He stroked Loki’s hair. ‘I just wish you’d let us in a little. We love you.’

Loki pulled away. ‘All right. I’ll
be
there.’

He walked away from Caeru’s bewildered concern and went out into the palace gardens. It had been a bright afternoon, but now dusk was approaching. Small white flowers that hara call Eburniel’s Tears had begun to sprout in the moist earth beneath the leafless trees. New life. Soon the soft murmur of regrowth would become a glorious shout.

Loki sat down in the rose garden, in a gazebo that was covered in dead climbers. There were no hara around, because the gardeners had already finished work for the day. Loki put his head in his hands and wept. He couldn’t imagine how life could improve for him.

Then a soft mind touch caressed his thoughts.
Loki…

He looked up, wiped his face. Somehar was standing at the entrance to the rose garden, about twenty feet away. He saw that it was Darquiel.

Loki stood up. He meant to go back to the palace by another route. He couldn’t face Darq now.

Don’t go.

Loki hesitated, then waited while Darq came to him. It was unfair this har was so radiant. In the half-light, his black hair glowed with golden strands. ‘The Parasilians are arriving tomorrow,’ Darq said. ‘You, Geb and I are supposed to be holding a dinner for the second generation hara. I thought I should come and speak to you about it.’

‘Don’t worry,’ Loki said. ‘Our staff will see to it. There’s nothing to organise.’

Darq shrugged. ‘Well, are there any things I should know?’

Loki grimaced. ‘I suppose it might be difficult. Aleeme and Azriel were captured and tortured by Ponclast some years ago. I don’t know how they’ll react to Geb, but I guess they must already know he’ll be here.’

‘Hmm, right…’

‘Yeah…’  There was a silence.

Darq folded his arms and sighed. ‘Oh, this is bullshit! You know why I’m here.’

Loki swallowed. ‘What do you want to say?’

‘Stop beating yourself up, Loki. You were used, brain-washed.’

‘I was weak enough to let that happen,’ Loki said. ‘You wouldn’t have been.’

Darq rolled his eyes and laughed. ‘What? You think so? Ookami was possessed by Velaxis, and he’s one of the most disciplined hara I know. You’ve no reason to be ashamed, really. Ookami wants to beat six shades of blood out of Vel, and he knows he can’t, which really annoys him. But he’s forgiven himself. He’s just moved beyond it.’ Darq paused and suggested carefully: ‘Maybe you should talk to him.’

‘No,’ Loki said. ‘I don’t want to. Thanks for the concern but…’

‘Shut
up
!’ Darq said. He took hold of Loki’s arms. ‘Look, what will it take to stop this?’ He shook his brother. ‘What? I can’t bear it, Loki, and Geb’s out of his mind with worry. Stop indulging yourself.’

‘Indulging myself?’ Loki felt a stirring of anger.

‘Well, you are! I bear you no ill will, and neither does anyhar else. The only har who blames you is yourself.’

Loki brushed Darq’s hands away roughly. ‘You have no idea!’ he said. ‘How dare you! You know nothing.’

Darq folded his arms again. ‘Nohar does, because you don’t
say
anything.’

Loki hesitated. He felt words rising within him, like blood from a wound. He realised he wouldn’t be able to stop what he’d say next. ‘Before I attacked you…’ He closed his eyes and spoke quickly. ‘I took aruna with Diablo. I let him feed me with his essence, to give me the power to kill you. I became somehar else, somehar foul. I despised Diablo. He repulsed me, yet I did it. I craved it.’

Darq was silent and Loki opened his eyes. ‘See! Now you know. Still so forgiving?’

It was fully dark now, yet the delicate cups of Eburniel’s Tears still glowed beneath the trees and the moon had begun to rise. Darq sighed. ‘Yes, I do see,’ he said. ‘That must have been…’ He shook his head. ‘Vile.’

‘At the time, it wasn’t,’ Loki said. ‘That’s the problem.’

Darq screwed up his face. ‘Hmm…’ He nodded. ‘I understand. I was wrong in what I said about self-indulgence. I’d have trouble with that too.’

‘Geb doesn’t know,’ Loki said.

‘You know you have to tell him,’ Darq said. ‘For you two to be OK again, you have to.’

Loki pushed back his hair from his forehead. ‘I’m not sure we can be OK. We weren’t exactly OK to start with. Also… well, I’ll always be the har who stabbed you in the chest.’

Unexpectedly, Darq laughed. ‘Yes, you will. Think about it; it’s good that you were. If it had been Geb, hara wouldn’t have been so forgiving, I’m sure.’

Loki sighed. ‘I suppose so.’ He realised then that his heart felt lighter. Perhaps it was simply because he’d squeezed a little poison from it.

‘You look better,’ Darq said tentatively. ‘Has it helped to talk a bit?’

‘Yes, yes, it has.’

‘Then we should do it more. We’re brothers. I want to help, and that isn’t patronizing, so don’t take it that way. It’s inconvenient if you’re loopy, OK?’

Loki pushed Darq’s arm playfully. ‘Why does it have to be perfect
you
who makes me feel better? It’s not fair. Are you useless at
anything
?’

Darq pulled a face. ‘Doing what I’m told?’ He linked an arm through one of Loki’s. ‘Let’s go in and find Geb. We could go out for dinner. Then…’ He squeezed Loki’s arm. ‘You can work on just how OK you and Geb can be.’

‘It’s not going to be that easy,’ Loki said.

‘I know, but…’ Darq smiled. ‘We survived. All four of us.’

Loki narrowed his eyes. ‘Four of us?’

‘You, Geb, Lileem and me. Four second generation hara. In the future, hara will talk about Thanatep, and what we did there, and that we survived.’ Darq kissed Loki’s cheek. ‘That’s all that matters.’

Epilogue

Three weeks before Bloomtide, the festival of the Spring Equinox, Pellaz suggested that the Aralisians should go to Freygard together for a brief holiday, as he could see that everyhar needed respite after recent events. The
sedim
who’d remained in Immanion were happy to facilitate travel, as always, but Peridot had vanished from the earthly realm. Pellaz was hurt by this, because they’d been together for so long. If the
sedu
had chosen to remain loyal to his kind, Pellaz could do nothing about it. He’d learn to work with a new
sedu.
Still, it would never be the same.

One of the reasons Pellaz suggested Freygard was because Galdra was always so desperate to see Loki. Galdra had been informed of all events in Thanatep, and was of course pleased that Loki now knew who his father was. At the beginning of the visit, Pellaz met with Galdra alone to discuss Loki’s condition.

‘He came out of it the worst,’ Pellaz said. ‘I can’t lie to you, Galdra. I’m concerned for him. Geb and Darq are helping him, but it’ll take time. I suppose it’s understandable.’

‘He should stay here for a while,’ Galdra said, ‘beyond when the rest of you return to Immanion.’

‘If he wants to, then yes. I think Geb should stay here with him.’

Galdra grimaced. ‘Shouldn’t we disapprove of two hara who are so closely related being chesna?’

‘I don’t think they are that,’ Pellaz said. ‘But if Geb can help Loki get well, I don’t give a damn about their close relationship. And neither should you.’ He hesitated. ‘I’m here to relax. We all are. I take it we’re staying in the house we used before here?’

‘If you like it,’ Galdra said.

‘Good. Raven and Terez can take the younger ones out tonight. I was thinking of having a private party.’

Galdra raised his brows. ‘Oh? And who’s invited?’

‘Rue and Cal will be there,’ Pellaz said. ‘You will be the only guest.’

‘I see.’

‘Do you?’

Galdra laughed and took Pellaz in his arms. ‘If you’re sure.’

‘I want it to be this way,’ Pellaz said. ‘I won’t deny how I feel about you any more, but…’

‘I understand,’ Galdra said. ‘Occasionally, though, I think we should be alone together. You should allow yourself that.’

‘Maybe, but I want you to know Cal as I do.’

‘Nohar will know him as you do,’ Galdra said. ‘Is he aware of your plans?’

‘I’ve said nothing, but he’ll know. I don’t have to tell him.’

‘And Rue?’

‘Oh, no problem there, trust me!’

Galdra sighed. ‘It feels like it was a thousand years ago I first met you. So much has happened. Will we be allowed a happy ending, do you think?’

Pellaz plunged his fingers into Galdra’s hair and pulled handfuls of it forward to smell it. ‘Mmm,’ he murmured, then smiled. ‘My friend Flick once said to me that there’s no such thing as a happy ending. Life just goes on, and there’s always another episode to the story. All we get is peaks and troughs. Let’s just enjoy this high shining peak, shall we?’

Cal and Caeru seemed somewhat bemused by the fact they were to take dinner with Galdra that evening, but neither of them argued about it at first. Late in the afternoon, Caeru cornered Pellaz in his bedroom, as he was changing his clothes. The house around them reverberated to the shouts and laughter of other hara preparing to go out for the night. ‘I have a strange feeling about this,’ Caeru said, his arms folded. ‘What is it you want from tonight, Pell?’

Pellaz buttoned his silk velvet shirt, admired himself in the dressing mirror. ‘What do you think?’

‘I think you will throw into close proximity a selection of highly combustible and unstable materials,’ Caeru answered. ‘It’s too staged, too convenient. I don’t think it’ll work.’

Pellaz shrugged. He sat down before the dressing mirror and began to brush out his hair.

Caeru took the brush from his hand and took over the task himself. ‘Go carefully,’ he said. ‘Judge atmospheres. If things go badly, you should have a plan B.’

‘If things go badly, you take Galdra off to your scented lair and do what you will with him,’ Pellaz said. ‘Will that suffice for plan B?’

Caeru laughed, somewhat stiffly. ‘I suppose so.’

Galdra arrived after all the other hara had left the house. He brought with him a scent of wood fires, and there were snow crystals melting in his wolf skin coat. Cal had a predatory air about him, which Pellaz watched carefully, but conversation appeared to flow fairly easily.

Househara brought the meal to the dining room, but Pellaz didn’t feel much like eating. He drank steadily, observing his companions from the sidelines of the gathering, even though they were all seated closely around a table. Cal told anecdotes, with much gesturing, and Caeru laughed too loudly. Galdra smiled and appeared to be enjoying the stories.

Pellaz found himself remembering the first time he’d met Cal, and how he’d entranced the Cevarro family with his stories then. So much had happened since that time. The beginning of his life almost didn’t seem real any more. Now, after decades of heartbreak, war, anger, bitterness and grief, he had Cal at his side. Surely, he should put Galdra from him. Hadn’t he got enough from life? Was he so greedy?

Pellaz realised the others had been watching him when Caeru said, ‘Are you with us, Pell?’ He stared into Caeru’s eyes and saw his consort’s concern. Caeru was still unsure about this little party.

‘Yes,’ Pellaz put down the glass he’d been nursing. The wine within it was now warm. ‘I was just mulling over memories, that’s all. Very old ones.’

‘It is his tendency to brood,’ Cal told Galdra in a humorously confidential tone.

Galdra laughed, nodded. ‘I know that only too well.’

Pellaz tensed, wondering how Cal would take that remark, but Cal only joined in with the laughter and poured himself and Galdra more wine. ‘Lighten up, Pell,’ he said. ‘We’re done with things for the time being. We deserve this holiday. If there’s any more to come, let our sons deal with it.’