The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (80 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
To which the other replied,
“Don’t you think you ought to pet him first??”
Three guys are discussing women. “I like to watch a woman’s tits best,” the first guy says.
The second says, “I like to look at a woman’s ass.” He asks the third guy, “What about you?”
“Me? I prefer to see the top of her head.”
When Mrs. Ghandi went to Moscow, Khrushchev took her for a tour of the city in his limo. Recalling his visit to India, he started giving her a hard time about the sanitary conditions there.
“When I was in Delhi, I saw human excrement lying everywhere.” Poor Mrs. Ghandi was terribly embarrassed, but only for a moment, because just ahead was a man sitting on his heels, shitting on the side of the road. She pointed this out.
Khrushchev was livid and didn’t hesitate. “Driver, get out immediately and shoot that man!”
The driver got out, walked up to the man with his gun drawn, spoke briefly, and then returned to the car.
“Sir, I can’t shoot that man. He’s the Indian ambassador.”
Joe: I got a problem.
Ed: What’s the matter?
Joe: Women. I just don’t understand them.
Ed: Do you understand your TV?
Joe: No.
Ed: So what’s the problem?
Your basic virgin female was all set to get married to a virile man, when her mother took her aside for a little pre-nuptial advice.
“Dear, I know you love this man,” the mother began, “and we’ve tried to welcome him into our family. But there is something you must know. Men like to make love in a disgusting way, so if he ever asks you to turn over before making love, DON’T do it. It’s degrading and painful, and it will ruin your marriage.”
So the wedding was fine. The happy couple enjoyed their first month of marital bliss, and then one night, the man said to his wife, “Honey, let’s try making love a little differently tonight. Why don’t you roll over?”
The woman lost it. “You brute,” she sobbed. “My mother warned me about you men. I can’t believe you would do this to me.”
“But, honey,” the startled man replied, “I just thought you might want to have children.”
A guy decides to join the navy. On his first day of service, he gets aquatinted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. The guy asks the sailor showing him around, “What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?”
To which the other replies,
“Well, there is a barrel on the upper deck—just pump your cock in the side with the hole.”
Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He climbs to the upper deck and sees it. He flings his shlong out and starts fucking the barrel. It’s simply the best feeling he has ever experienced—truly a success!
After he’s done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. “That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!”
To which the other crew member replies, “Yeah, you can do it every day except Thursday.”
Confused, the new guy asks, “Why?”
The other guy replies, “Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday.”
A very good-looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and takes a seat. During the course of the evening, he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man—and I mean a REALLY ugly man—walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with two of the most beautiful women you’ve ever seen.
Disheartened by all this, the good-looking man asks the barman, “Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women—what’s his secret? He’s as ugly as sin and I’m everything a girl could want, but I have not been able to hook-up all night. What’s going on?”
“Well,” says the barman, “I don’t know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...”
A man comes home from work and finds his daughter in bed with a vibrator.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“This has been my husband for the last four years,” she replies.
The next day, the daughter finds her father in bed with her vibrator stuffed up his butt. He’s drinking a pint of Guinness.
“What the hell are you doing?” she cries.
He replies, “I’m just having a beer with my son-in-law.”
A lady goes to the doctor’s office and tells the doctor that she can’t get her husband to have sex with her anymore. So, the doctor gives her some pills and says to give her husband one each night in his dinner whenever she wants to have sex.
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