The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (86 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
There is a man who wants a pure wife. So he starts to attend church to find a woman. He meets a young lady who seems nice so he takes her home. When they get there, he whips out his manhood and asks, “What’s this?”
She replies, “A cock.”
He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough.
A couple of weeks later he meets another young lady and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.
She replies, “A cock.”
He is pissed off because she seemed more pure than the first.
A couple of weeks later he meets a girl who seems really pure. She won’t go home with him for a long time, but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, “What is this?”
She giggles and says, “A pee-pee.”
He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.
They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says, “That’s your pee-pee.”
He finally breaks down and says, “Look, this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock.”
She laughs and says, “No it’s not. A cock is ten inches long and black.”
A woman goes into a dentist’s office, and after he is through examining her he says, “I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth.”
The woman then says, “Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I’d rather have a baby!”
To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind—I have to adjust the chair.”
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said, “Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am. Then, my sweet, we can marry and set up house in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so.”
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: I don’t fucking think so.
A woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another town. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, “Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed, and then daddy got on top of her...”
Sonny’s mother held up her hand. “Not another word. Wait until your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you’ve just told me.”
The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, “I’m leaving you. I’m packing now and I’m leaving you.”
“But why?” asked the startled father.
“Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me.”
“Well,” Sonny said, “I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her, and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer.”
Dave walks into a bar and sees his buddy Jeff huddled near the bar, depressed. Dave walks over and asks Jeff what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies Jeff, “you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got a hard-on every time I saw her?”
“Yes,” replies Dave with a smile.
“Well,” says Jeff, straightening up, “I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”
“That’s great!” says Dave. “When are you going out?”
“I went to meet her this evening,” continues Jeff, “but I was worried I’d get a stiffy again. So I got some duct tape and taped my dick to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show.”
“Sensible,” says Dave.
“So I get to her door,” says Jeff, “and I rang her doorbell. And she answered it in the shortest skirt you ever saw.”
“And what happened then?”
Jeff huddles near the bar again. “I kicked her in the face.”
A doctor recently had a patient drop in on him for an unscheduled appointment. “What can I do for you today?” the doctor asked.
The aged gentleman replied, “Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, and I can hardly catch my breath. Doctor, I’m scared!”
The doctor, looking at his 86-year-old patient, said, “Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years. But tell me, how often do you notice these symptoms?”
The old gent’s response was, “Well, three times last night, and twice again this morning!”
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.
Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love. One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie’s father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said, “Mr. Smith, Susie and I are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, “Well, Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied, “In Susie’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”
Still thinking this was just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, “Okay then, how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Susie.”
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