The Girl Behind the Door (25 page)

In October 2008, after a long and contentious debate, the board voted fourteen to one in favor of installing a safety net on the bridge. But it was a hollow victory. There was no plan to fund the then-estimated $50 million project cost.

Nearly four years later, after intense lobbying from a coalition of families of bridge suicide victims, mental health professionals, and dedicated local politicians, Senators Barbara Boxer of California and James Inhofe of Oklahoma cosponsored a reauthorized, two-year Federal Transportation Bill that would provide a portion of the funding necessary for the suicide barrier. The bill was passed by the House and Senate in June 2012.

In June 2014, the Bridge District Board voted unanimously for a $76 million revised funding package from regional, state, and federal sources for the suicide barrier. Installation of the net is expected to commence sometime in 2016 with completion targeted for 2019. The persistence of the families of suicide victims remained key to moving this project forward.

Since Casey's suicide, more than two hundred people have leaped to their deaths from the Golden Gate Bridge. Every story is tragic, especially those of the younger victims.

For years, I blamed the bridge for Casey's death. If only there had been a barrier. But it was just an easily accessible means to act out on a destructive impulse. The larger question was what brought her there in the first place—not once but twice? I'll never know for certain—since Casey had never been properly evaluated or diagnosed—but the origins of her emotional problems can probably be traced to her infancy, and those problems were likely exacerbated by a steady stream of well-meaning but ill-informed people, from orphanage caregivers to therapists to us, her parents.

I've learned that the act of separating a mother from her baby is a traumatic experience for both. How could it not be? The process of adoption is far more complex and fraught with risk than we ever knew. In fact, some professionals dislike the tendency to overuse the terms
attachment disorder
and
reactive attachment disorder
as convenient labels for troubled adopted children. Because of the lack of reliable information at birth, many other issues can go undiagnosed—fetal alcohol syndrome, effects of drug addiction, and mental illnesses that could have been passed on by the biological parents.

While orphaned children, as a group, are at a higher risk for learning, emotional, and behavioral disorders than children raised by their birth family, not every adopted child suffers the effects of early deprivation. Many adapt to their new lives perfectly well and go on to live satisfying, productive lives in wonderfully loving adoptive families. Children can be amazingly resilient.

It wasn't until my own mother died from a massive stroke in October 2012 that I had a taste of being orphaned; my father had passed away in 2005. For a moment after hearing of my mother's death, I felt scared, lonely, and vulnerable. With my parents gone, who was going to take care of me? An irrational thought, of course, considering that I was a fifty-seven-year-old man. But imagine a terrified young child in the same circumstances. Even worse, what if her abandonment was not the result of death? Her parents were alive. They were out there somewhere, perhaps with other children of their own, while she was left behind. That was the reality into which my daughter was born.

Erika and I can't have a do-over. We can't have another Casey. But we hope that our story and lessons learned can help families and children, like ours, who are still alone and desperate for guidance.

This story began as a 450-page saga about a grieving father until I met Adair Lara, a former
San Francisco Chronicle
columnist, author of numerous books, and host of many memoir classes in the living room of her San Francisco Victorian home. She saw the story that I had completely missed—my search for answers to Casey's suicide—opening up an entirely different journey into attachment disorders in children who had suffered early-life trauma. I owe her a debt of gratitude for her vision and literary guidance.

I am deeply indebted to the team at Scribner, who took this story to an entirely different level. Adene Corns discovered me at a reading at our local Fairfax, California, library, and Roz Lippel and the Scribner editorial and production team in New York shaped and packaged this into an awesomely professional work for any reader's or bookseller's shelves. Scribner believed in this story when everyone else did not. It's exceptionally rare for a first-time author to make it into the publishing big leagues, but sometimes you get lucky.

Many thanks to the adoption and attachment professionals who gave in to my repeated e-mails and voice mails and agreed to speak with me—Dr. Robert Marvin, Ray Kinney, Dr. Gregory Keck, Nancy Newton Verrier, Heather Forbes, Jane Brown, and Amy Klatzkin. Through a fortuitous online encounter, Vic Magnet of Agape Trust in Paslek, Poland, gave me an unusually comprehensive view of Polish orphan care.

I will be eternally grateful to Casey's friends, who've kept us going in the aftermath of her suicide. We've gathered together every year for fellowship, support, remembrance, and plain old fun, all of it in our own private ways. It's the one day Erika and I truly look forward to.

Finally, I thank Erika for sticking together as we try our best to navigate a different life without our Casey.

These are the resources and experts I came across in my journey. These listings are by no means meant to be a personal endorsement or all-inclusive. Rather, they can provide a starting point for readers to conduct their own exploration.

Bowlby, John,
A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development
(New York: Basic Books, 1988).

Brodzinsky, David M.,
Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self
(New York: Doubleday, 1992).

Gray, Deborah D.,
Nurturing Adoptions: Creating Resilience after Neglect and Trauma
(Indianapolis, IN: Perspectives Press, 2007).

———,
Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents
(Indianapolis, IN: Perspectives Press, 2002).

Karen, Robert,
Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love
(New York: Oxford University Press, 1998).

Keck, Gregory C., and Regina M. Kupecky,
Adopting the Hurt Child: Hope for Families with Special-Needs Kids
(Carol Stream, IL: NavPress, 1995).

Keck, Gregory C., and Regina M. Kupecky,
Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow
(Carol Stream, IL: NavPress, 2002).

Magid, Ken, and Carole A. McKelvey,
High Risk: Children Without a Conscience
(New York: Bantam, 1988).

Meese, Ruth Lyn,
Children of Intercountry Adoptions in School: A Primer for Parents and Professionals
(Westport, CT: Bergin & Garvey, 2002).

Verrier, Nancy Newton,
The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child
(Lafayette, CA: Verrier Publications, 2003).

Verrier, Nancy Newton,
Coming Home to Self: The Adopted Child Grows Up
(Lafayette, CA: Verrier Publications, 2004).

ACEsConnection.com
. A social network whose members use trauma-informed practices to prevent and lower adverse childhood experiences, and raise resilience.

ACEsTooHigh.com
. A go-to site for news and information about adverse childhood experiences.

Adopting.com
. An online resource for domestic and international adoption.

Adopting.org
. Provides adoption articles, resources, and chat rooms.

Adoptionvoicesmagazine.com
. A personal blog that includes posts, poetry, videos, and podcasts from a wide variety of voices from the adoption community.

Adoptivefamilies.com
. The resource and community for adoption parenting.

Adoptivefamiliescircle.com
. An online community touched by adoption to connect and share experiences.

Juliaandme.com
. An adoptive mother's blog in which she shares about her adoption experience and adoption information in general.

Parentingandattachment.com
. My own blog in which I share about my experience with Casey and lessons learned about adoption, parenting, and therapy techniques.

Chicagonow.com/portrait-of-an-adoption
. A blog dedicated to sharing personal adoption stories.

Theadoptiveparent.com
. A resource network for adoptive parents.

Harlowe, Harry, “The Nature of Love,”
American Psychologist
13 (1958), 673–85:
http://psychology.about.com/od/historyofpsychology/p/harlow_love.htm
.

Rutter, Michael, “The English and Romanian Adoptee Study: Effects of Early Deprivation on Long-Term Adjustment” (1998),
http://www.nuffieldfoundation.org/english-and-romanian-adoptee-study
.

The Association for the Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children, “Therapeutic Parenting” (2008),
http://www.adoptiontoolbox.com/files/ATTACh_Therapeutic_Parenting_Handbook.pdf
: m/b.

Adopt.org
. The National Adoption Center, dedicated to expanding adoption opportunities for children living in foster care throughout the United States.

Agape-Trust.org
. A charitable organization working with Polish orphans. Vic and Joanna Magnet, directors.

Americanadoptioncongress.org
. The American Adoption Congress, an organization committed to adoption reform.

Theattachmentclinic.org
. Mary D. Ainsworth Child-Parent Attachment Clinic at the University of Virginia Medical Center. Dr. Robert Marvin, director.

ATTACh.org
. The Association for Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children.

Attachment.org
. Nancy Thomas Parenting, offering information on adoption, attachment, and bonding issues and early trauma to families and professionals.

Attachmentparenting.org
. Attachment Parenting International is dedicated to educating and supporting parents, and offering resources for education and networking.

Attachmentparenting.co.uk
. The U.K. resource for attachment parenting.

Attachmenttraumanetwork.com
. The Attachment & Trauma Network, the nation's oldest parent-led organization supporting families of children with attachment disorders.

Caseyfamilyservices.org
. Established by the Annie E. Casey Foundation to provide pre- and postadoption services.

Childtrauma.org
. The Child Trauma Academy provides information on the effects of child trauma and supportive interventions.

Psych.ucsf.edu/sfgh/ctrp
. Child Trauma Research Center, UCSF/San Francisco General Hospital. Dr. Alicia Lieberman, director.

Adoptioninstitute.org
. The Donaldson Adoption Institute, which provides adoption research and policy addressing the needs of those touched by adoption.

FRUA.org
. Families For Russian and Ukrainian Adoption, offering family and adoption education resources, chatroom, social media connections, and a supportive community that nurtures adopted children and supports parents and families.

Rainbowkids.com
. The Voice of Adoption, providing tools, resources, and guidance to those considering international adoption.

Nationalcenteronadoptionandpermanency.net
. The National Center on Adoption and Permanency, dedicated to providing a broad range of services relating to adoption, foster care, and child welfare. Adam Pertman, president.

Theraplay.org
. The Theraplay Institute, an international training institute.

Attachmentadoption.net
. Family Attachment and Adoption Center, Oakland, CA. Virginia Keeler-Wolf, MA, MFT.

Beyondconsequences.com
. Beyond Consequences Institute, Boulder, CO. Heather Forbes, director.

Comeunity.com/adoption/health/jenista.html
. Jerri Ann Jenista, MD, Ann Arbor, MI.

Cornerstonecounseling.com
. Cornerstone Counseling Services, Waukesha, WI. Ray Kinney, director.

Drfederici.com
. Dr. Ronald Federici & Associates—Care For Children International, Manassas, VA.

Janebrowntoronto.weebly.com
. Jane Brown's Adoption Playshops, Mississauga, Ontario. Jane Brown, MSW, director.