The Girl I Last Loved (3 page)

The girl… whose teeth used to sparkle on listening to admiration of her beauty.

The girl… whose eyes used to twinkle on seeing chocolate pastry.

The girl… who kept on adding words to my girls’ encyclopaedia.

The girl… who used to love the sound of rain.

The girl… who used to explain everything along with gestures.

The girl… who could spend millions on clothing if she had, but never on gadgets.

‘You say what’s more…’ was all what was needed to trigger her off on a never-ending series of stories.

The girl who ruled my dreams but I was never there in her thoughts.

The girl who was there in my life but never really came into my life and yet changed every bit of it.

The girl I last loved… the girl… who never loved me back.

Chapter 2

Eight Years Back… Lucknow

“Hey Priya, what’s up?”

That was my friend Vishal trying to be cool.

“Move on! Loser,” Priya rolled her eyes.

“Why can’t you be a little nice? We were friends.”

“Histor…r…ry. That was fourth grade, now it’s twelfth,” Priya pushed him away.

Vishal wasn’t among the lucky ones when good looks were distributed and definitely he was far behind me in the queue. Though he tried hard with his spikes, low waist jeans and half tucked shirt, he wasn’t the talk of girl town; still socially acceptable.

Priya was his childhood friend but a lot has changed since then. The separation between socks and skirts have increased, ties have loosened, hair have been let down.

Even after Priya’s indifference, Vishal didn’t budge.

“If a girl with a figure like mine be seen with a guy having a face like yours, it will look like a big time charity. So buzz off.”

This rejection was too harsh to ignore.

Behind all those happening cool dude attitude, I got a real glimpse of him. His feet involuntarily stepped back.

He faked a smile, “Who the hell gives you a damn! I gotta talk to Kasam.”

She lifted her eyes. They look even bigger when she looks upwards. Sunlight dribbled through her eyelashes into her eyes, turning it light brown.

“Actually Akash wants to talk to her,” Vishal added.

She directed her sight towards me and raised her eyebrows. She had this habit of speaking with her expressions and gestures which made her even more beautiful and mysterious. As she looked directly into my eyes, I forgot everything I practiced saying for the past five days.

I was lost.

Kasam exchanged glances with Priya.

Vishal nudged me.

“Hey, hi… Hasam… Kasam…,” my voice broke.

She gave half a smile.

“Why don’t you attend school regularly,” I managed to continue.

“Who are you to ask that?” she was irritated.

“No it’s just that I have noticed you come just once a week.”

I knew… I hadn’t got a good start. I recollected myself.

“So, how’s everything. Eh… eh… you know this great place opened just near Plaza,…awesome gaming…eh…eh…do you like ice-cream? Can I get you one? …you like watching Friends… I heard you saying to someone… Err…Err…You like Smiley badges… you always sport them.”

“Are you interested in me?”

My babbling was interrupted by Kasam.

Being speechless. When trying to speak, my throat choked. I was perplexed. I looked towards the sky, brushing my hair with my fingers. Then hurriedly uttered while tilting my head downwards, ‘yes’.

Kasam and Priya burst out into laughter.

Priya exclaimed, “I told you so. I noticed him staring at you all the time.”

Kasam lifted one of her hands and placed it over Priya’s shoulder. Then with the other hand she gave her a hi-fi. They both chorused ‘sixty-four’.

I wondered whether my first ever proposal deserved a ‘I told you so’.

“That was Kasam’s sixty-fourth proposal,” Priya gave me ‘Come on! Let’s face it dude’ look.

I was taken aback. I always knew I won’t be the first one to ask her out, but sixty-four was huge. Kasam gave me a sympathetic look.

“Listen…,” Kasam uttered.

“Listen!! Is not good…,” Vishal mumbled. Then he spoke in a louder voice, “Hey… hey… Kasam cool down. He likes you a lot. He has liked you since you first came in our class.”

Meanwhile she pulled out her hair band and clutched it on the strap of her bag, then started swaying her fingers through her long hair. They were shining in the sunlight. Obstructed sunrays reaching her face made her glow.

“Oh yeah?!!” Kasam smiled and then looked at me.

“So was it like, I entered the class and everything else got blurred besides me?... And music started pouring into your ears... Trees started swaying… err… something like that…?”

Kasam and Priya giggled.

I shook my head in ‘no’.

“Then how can you say that you love me?”

She spoke as if talking to a five-year old.

“There’s lot more to me! More than my looks… my life… my thoughts… you don’t know any of them…”

I heard what she said but experienced what she meant much later.

Owing to our school ritual, many students forgot that they were supposed to just go home after school. All of a sudden I had a bunch of friends. One of whom patted my back and advocated me to Kasam, “Even if you rub Aladdin’s lamp, you won’t get a better guy than him.”

Kasam and Priya laughed their heart out at this.

“That lamp is then worth throwing away,” Priya added.

The conversation took a more casual route then.

It was all friendly talk. Suddenly Kasam said, “I like someone else.”

“Yeah! We know…,” Vishal and I chorused.

“Interesting; how do you know?” Kasam’s voice got stern.

“Actually, we saw you writing some guy’s name at the back of your notebook,” I answered sheepishly.

Kasam’s mouth was wide open. She and Priya immediately went to their girl talk and when they were done, the following was the outcome.

“You were spying on her,” Priya shrieked.

“You keep on staring at me all the time, and whenever I look up to read from the board or see the teacher, you make weird eye contacts,” Kasam screamed.

Few more complaints and now I wasn’t able to distinguish who was speaking – it was just the cries.

“Do you even follow us?”

“You can’t see the notebook from that far. You must have picked it out from the bag.”

“You peeped into my bag?”

“Hold on, none of that happened. I didn’t check your bag,” it was me finally shouting it aloud.

With a few more kicks here and there, as the conversation was going nowhere, Vishal popped the important question, “What’s the status now?”

Kasam gave a puzzled look; the answer was evident.

“At least you can try to be his friend,” Vishal sighed. “He’s very diligent; he’ll definitely have a bright future. Get to know him. If you like him, take it forward, otherwise you can always remain friends.”

Kasam and I were both confused at what Vishal just said.

‘Yeah, okay…’ she replied while pulling back her hair and tying them up.

Kasam sounded unsure and I was blank.

My eyes were fixed on her.

I was convinced that she wasn’t ecstatic about this whole idea.

Maybe she was just looking for a cue to get out of this ‘situation’.

Next few days, I was more than busy hearing some wanted and some unwanted advice and opinions.

“Dude, this shit happened to me once…,” some guy patted over my shoulder.

“Being friends…it would be merely like committing suicide.”

“It’s very simple; she wants to be with you, but she is totally confused.”

“If it’d been me then the ‘love me, leave me formula’ would’ve applied.”

“Love is not always about getting.”

“No way of keeping any contact with that girl… can’t see her with somebody else.”

“Well, love cannot be forced. So it’s the truth the girl told you. Friendship is good and if the love is true, she will love you too in the near future.!”

“She needs time to think; just be one of her best friends and wait for her break-up.”

“Just a middle finger salute to this kind of friendship.”

I was in a turmoil. Does friendship really offer a door to love or it’s like being ‘just’ friends? She knows I am interested in her but she’ll see me just as a friend. I will hang around. She will notice me. She will find me a great guy, yet won’t think about me in that way. Moreover, I won’t be able to approach her, lacking the courage to risk our friendship.

This is roughly equivalent to the scenario where a guy goes to a job interview and the company says, “You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we were looking for, but we are not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis of comparison for all other applicants. We are still going to hire somebody else who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. However, if it doesn’t work out, we will still hire somebody but not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person we hired.”

I cursed myself for going over to her, otherwise there could have been a kindle of possibility. Now it’s gone. I am stuck with being her friend.

Though the thought of being with her, being able to talk to her without shuddering, seeing her while being close to her – a temptation hard to resist.

So, I googled about it. Read the do’s and don’ts of ‘being just friends’.

Preparation was needed and it was done. When done, I was prepared.

Chapter 3

Present Day, Mumbai (Later that Night)

I have been trying hard but it isn’t working.

My fingers shaking, I thrust them forward.

Still it resisted the pressure. My feet rambled a bit.

Finally it dawned upon me and I rotated the knob and pushed it forcefully.

The door was already open; no doubt the keys weren’t working. I entered in my half-conscious state.

It was all dark except for the faint light peeping in through the windows.

I was baffled. The door was open, lights were off. If she is back, why is it so silent and deserted?

“Hey…,” her voice echoed from a distant corner.

I scanned the area. She was there on the couch. Her bags were still packed, piled just beside her. She had gone to stay with her pregnant sister.

Taking the conditions into account, it wasn’t hard to guess that she had just arrived.

I progressed towards her and rambled while hugging her, “Hey honey… you are back.”

She cried softly in my ears, “You’re drunk?”

“Yeah! It was my bar night.”

“Yeah, like your local train nights, like your poker nights, like your club nights…,” she gave a scorn.

I was still little dizzy to get into that.

“Did you just arrive? Come, let me help you unpack,” I said, cutting her out.

“I am not unpacking,” her voice broke.

“You’re going again?” I gave her a puzzled look.

“Yes, I am going… never to return.”

I let her out of my embrace.