The Girl With No Past (12 page)

The train journey home allowed me time to think, to get my jumbled thoughts straight and try and make sense of everything. For years I had wanted Mum to change things in the house, but it had still been a shock to see my room so different. But it was a good thing. I could see myself staying there now, for Mum’s sake. And now she had done the hard bit, there was every chance she would redecorate the whole place.

But once I was home, hatred for my emailer overwhelmed me. Every positive step I tried to take was ruined by his harassment. There was no way I would let this anonymous person interfere with my life; I was minding my own business, doing no harm to anyone, so what right did anyone have to shake my world? Although there was little I could do to prevent further correspondence, I would not sit timidly by, letting him think I was cowering in a corner.

So after making a strong black coffee, I sat at the kitchen table with my laptop and replied to the last email.

I don’t care what you want, but what you need is help.

I didn’t add any more, those words were enough to at least give me some control back. They made me sound strong, as if all the messages and everything else I’d been sent had no impact on me. I doubted it would stop anything, but it at least felt good to humiliate whoever it was.

After that I decided I would remove all thoughts of the emailer from my mind, at least until they said something else I would have to confront. I logged on to Two Become One and loitered in a chat room. There was still no message from Julian, but maybe he was moderating tonight?

But I couldn’t get interested in the conversations I was reading, and was about to log off when a message pinged onto my screen.

Moderator34: was beginning to think you’d abandoned me. U r never on here!

LeahH: We just seem to keep missing each other!

Moderator34: Well, we r here now. So tell me about ur week

LeahH: It’s been long. Just work stuff, nothing major

Moderator34: then let me take you out to take your mind off it

I read Julian’s last line again, wondering if there was any way I could have misinterpreted it. But there was no ambiguity; he was asking to meet up. I had longed for this to happen, but now that it had, my stomach sank. There was no way I could do it. And saying no would mean an end to our conversations; the one thing that had begun to cast some light onto my existence. But as I began to type, I realised I didn’t necessarily have to say no.

LeahH: Would love to. Will be away for the next two weeks but how about after that?

Julian’s reply sprang up so quickly that I barely had time to work out where I was going on my fictional trip.

Moderator34: no problem. going anywhere nice?

LeahH: Just to Italy with my mum. She’s alone so I thought it would cheer her up.

Julian: ur a very kind lady

If only he knew how wrong he was. That Mum and I hadn’t been on holiday together since I was a kid. That she would never want to now.

LeahH: Just doing my job of being a daughter!

Julian seemed to like my story, and it distracted him from working out that I was stalling. It was difficult enough to trust people online so I didn’t need him worrying about whether or not I was genuine. That made my lie about Mum easier to live with.

He began telling me about his family: two sisters and a brother, parents both alive and still married. I soaked up every detail, imagining what it would have been like to have siblings. Would things have turned out differently? Perhaps I wouldn’t have been so desperate for Imogen’s friendship in the first place if I’d had a clan of brothers and sisters to offer me company.

It got late as we continued speaking and was nearly midnight when Julian announced he’d better get some sleep. He had an early meeting the next day and needed to be refreshed. But before he said goodbye he asked me for my email address, so that we could communicate more easily. At first I felt excited that things were progressing, so I gave it to him. What harm could giving it to him do? After all, my tormentor already had it, and most likely access to my computer, and that was the worst-case scenario. I had considered getting a new laptop but couldn’t afford it at the moment. Let him or her see how happy I was. That I had met someone I could make a go of things with.

But after Julian and I said goodbye, it dawned on me that there could be no meeting up for us.

Which meant there would be no more Julian.

ELEVEN

‘Where’s Corey?’ I ask Imogen, as we walk to my house. In the last couple of months they have become inseparable, so it is strange seeing Imogen without him. I don’t mind, though; it means I get to see a lot of Adam. And now we are on the cusp of something, I can feel it. I have sworn Imogen to secrecy and made her promise not to say a word to Corey, or Adam himself. Only I will know when it’s right to mention it.

‘He said they’d meet us at yours. At about eight. Your mum’s still going out, isn’t she?’

I nod, filled with excitement at the prospect of an evening without my parents. It is their wedding anniversary today and this is the only reason Dad convinced Mum I’d be okay on my own for a few hours. ‘Yep. Won’t be back till at least ten.’

‘I can’t believe she’s actually leaving you alone,’ Imogen says. She stops and takes my arm. ‘I need to ask you something and I know it’s taking the piss, but do you think I could be alone with Corey for a bit this evening? We’re hardly ever by ourselves and never get a chance to—’

‘That’s fine,’ I say, not wanting to hear any details. It is hard now to hear about Imogen’s sex life when I still haven’t even kissed a boy.

‘Hey, maybe if you and Adam are alone something might happen?’

This is an interesting idea. It is always the four of us together, or just Imogen and me, so I’ve never been alone with him. The possibilities are endless, aren’t they? If Imogen and Corey keep to themselves this evening, I might get a chance to tell Adam how I feel. Buoyed by this idea, I pull at Imogen and we resume walking. There are only four hours until the boys get to my house, and I need to look decent.

‘I thought they’d never get going,’ Imogen says, jumping onto my bed and flinging her arms up. ‘Now we can finally get ready.’ She pulls a carrier bag from her school bag and carefully removes some neatly folded clothes. I join her on the bed to get a closer look at what she’s brought. It is a brand new glittery top and some new dark jeans and I smile to think how being with Corey has made her put more effort into her choice of clothing. She hasn’t shed her plumpness, but it makes no difference to Corey and I love him for that.

‘Now, what are you going to wear to impress Adam?’ she says, springing up and heading to my wardrobe.

When we’ve both changed, and hastily applied some make-up Imogen has stolen from her mum, we go downstairs to wait for the boys. ‘Are you sure Adam’s coming too?’ I say, even though I have checked several times already.

‘Yeah, so just relax.’

But this is easier said than done when I feel as though I’m about to puke all over my new sparkly tunic top. I join Imogen on the sofa and watch her as she shovels salt and vinegar crisps into her mouth. They must be left over from her packed lunch because I’m sure we don’t have any in the house. She offers me one but I shake my head. How can I eat when in less than ten minutes I will have a chance to be alone with Adam?

I should probably use this time to plan what I will say to him, how I can bring up such a huge topic, but my mind won’t let me form any ideas. So instead I listen to Imogen tallying up how many times she and Corey have done it, and wonder if it will ever be me saying the same thing to her.

The boys turn up late – over half an hour – but I don’t care because I’m so happy to see them. An attack of nerves makes me forget to offer them something to drink, but thankfully Imogen does it for me.

‘No thanks, I’ve got Coke,’ Adam says, pulling a can from his pocket.

‘Me too,’ Corey says, mirroring Adam’s action. It is not the first time I have noticed Corey copying Adam, and I glance at Imogen. But she hasn’t seemed to notice and is pulling Corey towards her.

‘Give it a break, you two,’ Adam says, grinning.

Corey immediately breaks away from Imogen’s grasp and apologises to Adam, but she doesn’t seem to mind.

We hover in the hallway for a moment, unsure what to do with all this freedom, until Adam comes up with an idea. ‘Let’s listen to some tunes,’ he says. ‘I’ve got the new Robbie Williams CD.’ He reaches in his pocket again and pulls it out, waving it in front of us as if it’s a wad of cash. I don’t tell him I’m not keen on Robbie Williams, but smile and lead the way upstairs.

‘Wait!’ Imogen says. ‘I thought maybe me and Corey could just be alone for a bit.’

Adam opens his mouth to respond but Corey beats him to it. ‘Maybe later. Let’s go and listen to Robbie.’

As we all traipse upstairs, Imogen lags behind, disappointment etched on her face for the first time today. I feel for her then; she’s been looking forward to being alone with Corey all day.

‘So this is your bedroom. It’s nice,’ Adam says, walking into my room. I feel myself blush, even though it’s not really me he has complimented. At that moment I am glad I didn’t opt for girly pink walls, as Mum suggested; my choice of pale blue is much more grown-up.

Adam locates my CD player and loads the disk, not even asking if I mind him doing it. But I am too drunk on this weird feeling to care. He could start throwing my things around the room and I would probably laugh. It should bother me that I’m losing my head over him, but after so many years of feeling nothing for any boy, I am grateful to finally feel normal.

Plonking themselves on the floor by the stereo, Adam and Corey chat away, hardly listening to the music, and beside me on the bed, Imogen hugs my pillow, no doubt anxious for the last song to play. Once again I feel bad for her. After all, it is rare for her and Corey to have a chance to be alone, but I am also happy. I don’t even mind if I am not left alone with Adam tonight; I am enjoying watching him, and for now that is enough. Besides, I still haven’t worked out what the hell I will say.

‘This is the last song,’ Adam announces, and Imogen’s face brightens. ‘Great album, isn’t it?’ I bet she’s hardly heard a note.

We all nod and show enthusiasm, particularly Corey, but I wonder if any of us are being genuine.

‘I’m trying to get my mum to let me go to his concert in the summer, but so far she’s not giving in.’ Adam stares at the floor. ‘I’ll get through to her, though. When she sees my marks for this term she’ll have to let me go.’

This is another thing about Adam I admire. He barely listens in class but gets As and Bs in everything. I, on the other hand, study hard to get my As. And other than for English, it is a real chore. But it’s what I have to do to make something of myself after school. I want to go to university – maybe Adam and I will end up at the same one? – and have a career. I don’t want to be like Mum: a housewife who could have done more with her life.

Imogen joins Corey on the floor and whispers something to him. He shakes his head in reply. It’s not hard to guess what she’s asked him and I feel for her at this moment. I don’t doubt Corey loves her, but being in Adam’s presence is intoxicating; it doesn’t matter whether you are male or female, it just feels good to be around him.

‘Did Adam tell you what he did today? To Miss Hollis?’ Corey says, clearly trying to distract Imogen from her attempts to whisk him off.

‘Bitch,’ Adam mutters, pulling out his CD and carefully placing it in its case.

‘What happened?’ Imogen asks.

Adam huffs. ‘We had a test last week and she gave us back our papers today. She was handing them out and saying how well Simon and Elliot did for getting eighty-nine per cent and how proud she was of them—’

‘Yeah, and then Adam looks at his paper and he’s got ninety-six per cent! We checked with everyone later and that was the highest mark. What a bitch!’

Imogen and I both agree that Miss Hollis has been out of order not to praise Adam when he’s done better than everyone in the class.

‘So guess what he did?’

Adam stands up. ‘I’ll tell it, Corey. At break I went to her classroom, didn’t really know what I’d do, but then I saw she had all her next lesson’s notes up on the whiteboard.’ He pauses for dramatic effect. ‘So, I rubbed it all off and threw out the lesson plan that was on her desk. She had loads of stuff written on it, it was practically an essay so there was no way that didn’t mess up her next class.’ Adam doesn’t gloat as he says this; instead he reports the facts in a serious tone, as if he is reading the news.

‘Oh my God, Adam, good one!’ Imogen says. ‘But does she know it was you?’

We all turn to Adam and he shakes his head. ‘There’s no way she could know, it was ages after our lesson, and I didn’t say anything to her about not mentioning my mark. As far as she knows, I have no idea about her bitchy act this morning.’

I force myself not to frown. ‘But she does know you hate her, so be careful,’ I say. I don’t agree with what he has done, but this is all I dare to say. If I disagree with him then surely he won’t like me?