The Girl's Guide to Homelessness (29 page)

 

So I went back to California, kept picking up work wherever I could find it from temp agencies I'd signed up with, and used the advance money from this book to pay back Brandon, Vicki, the Bests…everybody I owed money to, who had taken me in as though I were their daughter, their sister or their friend. Me, a virtual stranger. Whenever I'm tempted to think back on the heartache that Matt caused me and become cynical, I remember all the good
people who came through for me in a heartbeat, without a second thought, when my own family had disowned me, as though I'd never existed. And I realize something perhaps not very profound or original, but comforting: People in general are not so bad after all.

 

It had been a year since I wrote my first blog post. On February 26, 2010, I opened my Netbook and typed:

I
set out to write this book in a very different frame of mind than the one in which I finish it. I was excited, naïve perhaps. The world was my oyster and I felt like I was headed for, if not a fairy tale ending, at least a fulfilling one. All I wanted was a house to live in with a man who loved me, and, finally, to leave my past behind and create a life of my own.

As you know, it didn't quite turn out that way.

 

Matt did send my belongings back, with the exception of the Christmas photo album. I can't imagine what he could possibly want to keep it for, so I simply don't. I wrote it off as a loss, and was simply happy to retrieve my laptop and ring. When I turned on the computer I discovered that he'd deleted every single one of my personal files—three years' worth of photos, documents, bookmarks, records, contracts, tax paperwork, music, piano sheets, the templates for a vintage clothing site that I'd slaved for hours over—all gone. My memories, my life for three years, long before I'd met him, wiped away. Ben, my brilliant technogeek friend,
spent days running a recovery program on my laptop. Over twenty thousand files were recovered, many of them junk and many of them corrupted beyond retrieval. I'm still sorting through them, seeing what I can save.

 

I haven't had any contact with my family in nearly two years at this point, and I don't expect that I will anytime soon. I still love them very much, as I suspect I always will. But I realize and accept that they are not going to change, and I can't force my will or perspective on them. As a result, we are destined to live separate lives.

 

The members of the Homeless Tales crew have been largely supportive, and are working through their own grief. Most of them have been clear that they don't blame me for the loss of the site and of their work, which I'm still partially compiling as I stumble across it, so that I can send it back to its rightful owners.

 

I do still believe in love, as odd as that may seem, even if I'm liable to be a lot more gun-shy moving forward. Maybe eventually I will find someone to share my life with. It may not be the next relationship I enter, or the next several, but I do hope that I deserve the happiness that comes with love, and that I will find it.

For now, though, I'm doing my best to make lemons into lemonade and I'm focusing my energies into pursuing my passions. As of this writing, I'm building my own company and network of websites; some of them creative, some of them recessionista-centric, some of them humanitarian. There's a beautifully exhausting amount of work involved in starting my own business, and I'm loving every minute of it. Believe it or not, there's very little time to
allow myself to feel lonely or sad. How can I? I am constantly on the go these days, and I've befriended multiple people, communities and subcultures (especially online) who constantly check in to reassure me that they've got my back—and the sentiment is assuredly mutual.

 

The recession has dragged on longer than nearly anybody anticipated, and after being unemployed for more than a year, I have just started an amazing job at a prestigious Orange County theatre—a stroke of luck that has left me thrilled and hopeful. But there's an overwhelming sense of it all being the end of an era. The world and economy have evolved and moved on in many ways, and we're struggling to regain our breath and catch up. I suspect that even if or when the ship rights itself, things will never be quite the same. Not that I believe the economic collapse is a harbinger of Armageddon and impending doom-and-gloom and the zombie apocalypse, or any of that sensationalist, panicky nonsense that those more disposed to fear-mongering seem to drum up…just that the atmosphere will be (and this is not necessarily a bad thing)
different
. Americans have now collectively watched the fabled American Dream crumble around our ears, taken a major hit and been reminded in a big way, just in case we forgot, that our country and our government have feet of clay. We are not immune.

I have high hopes for Americans as a whole working together to rebuild what we've lost. And I have a hunch that my faith in our resiliency will be justified in the end. One of my takeaways from a year spent navigating the seamier underbelly of the American Dream is this: If I've only got this one life, it's important to me to spend it advocating for causes I believe in, and making some kind of difference in the world, no matter how small.

 

Brandon once joked that becoming homeless was the best thing that ever happened to me. In a way, he was right. Because I have experienced such an odd and often fulfilling journey while homeless, new doors have been opened and new opportunities created. If I hadn't lost my job and my house, I never would have found my passion and a calling to help give others a voice. My hope is that this book inspires discussion about homelessness, and what we, as individuals and as a society, can do to end it.

It's been just over a year since I've lived in a house, but I realize, with not a small amount of melancholy, that I can't remember the last time I ever felt that I had a home. All my life I've longed for someplace to call my own—and not just a physical building, but a niche, somewhere that I fit in and feel a sense of harmony and
belonging
. While I would love the opportunity to see the world, and travel to exotic lands, I wish to do it knowing that there's a solid, permanent base awaiting my return, that nest where a warm, fuzzy robe is always hanging on a hook for me and my dog is sitting at the front door waiting for me.

Perhaps it's not all tied up in a neat little bow with sparkles and ribbons on top. But that's OK; life rarely is. It's a start. I know who I am and where I want to go. I deeply want a home, quite possibly more than anything in the world. And that's the next, most important step for this homeless girl.

Extra special thanks to Chris Schelling, who walked me through this entire daunting process—and taught me how to write a book. I wish I could come up with a more fitting synonym than “thanks” to express my gratitude for your awesomeness. You, sir, are a rock star. Additional special thanks to Deb Brody, Shara Alexander, Alex Colon and everybody at Harlequin for all the work you've put into helping me improve and polish the manuscript. Phenomenal amounts of thanks to E. Jean Carroll for doing a complete stranger such a kindness, mentoring her and always telling it like it is…blunt and straight, but with gobs of compassion.

They say it takes a village to raise a child; I suppose for particularly difficult children like me it occasionally takes a little extra push from additional continents. Vicki Day, you are the best adopted British mother a girl could ever hope for. I am eternally in your debt. Alice Smith and Biggie Fudgecakes, thank you for your complete grace and class during the time I was occupying your bedroom. Jon Glackin, if Vicki is my adopted mom, you're at least my adopted uncle (I'd say dad, but you might get upset because you're too young at heart). Maryse-Noelle Sage, you are like my crazy fantabulous hippie aunt and I adore you. Thank you so much for all you've done, and for being “the family I chose.”

All the love in the world to Brandon Quan, Sonia Jahan and Ben Choy for being my best friends and having my back for so many years. Shoutout to David Roth, Josh Bogy and the rest of our high school circle for picking me
up and taking me in more than once when I was a kid, and for tolerating my utterly age-inappropriate crushes and general social ineptitude with your typical sardonic humor. I've learned more from you than I care to admit!

Much appreciation for the constant and unwavering support of Cynthia Eastman and the former Homeless Tales/Street Voices crew, Jul Gorman, Michael Ian, Michael Malloy, Keith and Christine Best, the Huntly Police Station and its kind officers, Adam Warner, Rande Levine and Barbara DeSantis of Karma Rescue, Lindsay Johnston, Amy Norris, Kyria Abrahams, Aubrey Gonzaga, Robbie Myers at
ELLE
magazine, every SoCal Starbucks barista who ever let me leech internet on a daily basis, my Facebook friends, Twitter followers, blog readers and especially all my fellow homeless/street people/vehicle dwellers/activists for your letters of solidarity. I shudder to think of how much poorer my coping skills would be without you.

To my half sisters and their mom, my most heartfelt thanks for your warmth and generosity from the day we met, despite the unfortunate circumstances that brought us in touch. You are such brilliant, talented and resilient women and you are going places! I admire you deeply.

I would like to extend my appreciation to my family and former religion, for providing me with an eventful and interesting childhood, and for imbuing me (albeit perhaps unwittingly) with such handy qualities as determination and adaptability in the face of less than desirable circumstances.

And lastly, hugs and pets to Fezzik, for being such a kickass monster goober of a dog, loving me no matter what and always being happy to see me. As long as I'm carrying a bowl of large breed kibble.

The Girl's Guide to Homelessness

1. What ideas did you have about homelessness/homeless people before you read
   The Girl's Guide to Homelessness?
   Have your ideas changed after reading about Brianna's experiences? How so?
   
2. Brianna had an enormous number of odds stacked against her throughout her life. To say that her childhood was difficult would be an understatement. How do you think she was able to overcome her past and survive? What qualities in Brianna have allowed her to be particularly resilient?
   
3. How did religion play a role in shaping Brianna's relationship with her family? She says that Jehovah's Witnesses is a cult. Do you think her life would be different if she had stayed on and tried to be a member of the community as her sister did? Would it be better or worse?
   
4. Regarding her religious education, Brianna writes: “Even as a child, I recognized hypocrisy and prejudice at play, but I was at my most impressionable and, inevitably, whether I liked it or not, I retained bits of it.” How has Brianna attempted to deprogram herself from religious indoctrination? If she was raised to embrace certain prejudices, do you think she can ever be truly free of them?
   
5. Brianna says that she has tried to forgive her family, including her mother, for the wrongs they have done her. If you were in her position, would you be able to forgive? Why or why not?
   
6. Brianna has a vehicle, a trailer, a mobile phone, a laptop and a dog. Does she still “count” as being homeless? Are there different levels of homelessness? Do you think she's made good use of the “comforts” available to her?
   
7. Throughout her experience being homeless, Brianna is adamant that she will not accept charity—that there are people worse off who need help more than she does. If you were in her shoes, would you feel the same? Is Brianna wrong to forego such assistance?
   
8. Having fun is still a priority for Brianna, even though she's homeless. Should homeless people be singly focused on altering their circumstances? Is there anything else she could or should do? Is having fun a luxury, or a basic need?
   
9. When daily survival was Brianna's number one goal, she met and got involved with Matt. What do you
   think initially attracted her to Matt? Do you think her relationship with him shifted her priorities in a negative way?
   
10. At first, Brianna presents Matt as a kind of savior, a true kindred spirit who gives her support and guidance. Did you detect any warning signs that Matt might not be the upstanding, selfless person that Brianna wanted him to be?
    
11. The Girl's Guide to Homelessness
    was written while Brianna was going through the events she describes in the book. How might her memoir have been different if it had been written at a later date, looking back on past experiences?
    
12. The title
    The Girl's Guide to Homelessness
    brings a sense of humor and a bit of irony to a serious subject. How does its tongue-in-cheek title affect your impression of Brianna and of the book?
    
13. On one of the final pages of the book, Brianna says, “People in general are not so bad after all.” Were you surprised that she would say this, after all the hardships and betrayals she faced? Do you agree with her?
    
14. Now that you've read about Brianna's struggles, what do you think we can do about the homelessness epidemic? How can the average reader help?
    

If you need help, or would like to help others in need, or if you'd simply like to hear more stories from people like Brianna, please visit the websites below.

 

Brianna's Blog

http://girlsguidetohomelessness.com

 

Change.org

http://uspoverty.change.org/blog/category/homelessness

 

Homeless.us—United States Department of Social
Services; Emergency Shelter http://homeless.us

 

211 National Human Services Information & Referral
Hotline http://211.org; http://211us.org or dial 2-1-1
toll-free from any U.S. phone to be connected with an
operator

 

National Coalition for the Homeless

http://nationalhomeless.org

 

Homeless Blogs Project

http://homelessblogs.org

 

The International Homeless Forum

http://homelessforums.org

 

World Homeless Day

http://worldhomelessday.org

 

I Hate My Life

http://www.ihatemylife.us/index2.html

 

SLO Homeless

http://slohomeless.wordpress.com

 

The Homeless Guy

http://thehomelessguy.blogspot.com