The Girl's Guide to the Apocalypse (14 page)

“Probably,” he said. “We all wake up eventually.”

Jeremy had now crossed over to the sink, taken a paper towel and rubbed his face, roughly.

“I don’t know where you would get the idea that it was okay to use tap water.” He tapped his own head. “Hello? We’re in an Apocalypse! You wanna let Four Horsemen in while you’re at it?”

“But there was water!” I said. “I took a shower in it!”

“That’s recycled water in the upstairs bathroom,” he said. “Technically, we’ve all been showering and peeing in that water for the past month or so.”

I grimaced. “I think I’m going to be sick.”

Outside there was shouting and faintly I could smell smoke.

“What is that?” I strained to look out a window.

Jeremy yawned and slumped down to the floor again. “I’m so tired. Randy!”

There was thump from upstairs. I started to go toward it, but Jeremy fumbled for my arm.

“Don’t go up there,” he said. “You’re not welcome here anymore.

“What about Randy?” I asked. “He might not be okay.”

I ran for the stairs despite Jeremy’s protests. I went up and headed toward Randy’s bedroom and let myself in. He was slumped over the bed with his tablet open.

“Randy?” I asked.

He didn’t respond.

I shook him. “Randy!”

His eyes fluttered open and he groaned slightly as he slowly sat up. “What’s happening?”

“Are you okay?”

Suddenly he jerked himself up and grabbed his computer. “What are you doing?” he asked. “You’re interrupting my date with Bernadette.”

“You were passed out!” I said. “There’s something wrong with the air in here.”

He rubbed his face like a sleepy toddler. “There’s something wrong with you,” he said. “You got a shower. You got to eat Jeremy’s pastry pups. You don’t own us or this place.”

“That’s not it,” I said. “I think there’s something wrong with this house. Is there a gas leak?”

Outside, there was the sound of a very distinct explosion. It rocked the house slightly and was followed by some barbaric cheers. Then the smell of smoke became even more present.

“Is something on fire?” I asked.

Randy turned back to his computer and shrugged. “Ask Jeremy,” he said. “He’s probably just makings us fajitas.”

“Pretty sure that’s fire,” I said. “Don’t you want to get up and investigate?”

“I don’t want to get up.” He sighed, then yawned heavily. “See if the guys want to start watching
Game of Thrones
from the beginning again.”

“Didn’t you watch that whole series two days ago?”

He flashed me a look as his computer made a ping sound.

“Excuse me,” he said. “Bernadette’s wondering if she should change her nipple covers. Which ones do you like better?” He flashed me his tablet to show me.

“What were you doing on that dating site anyway?” I asked. “When I contacted you.”

Randy looked back down at the screen. “Jeremy wanted someone to clean the bathroom. We figured it wouldn’t be hard to get any girl out there to do it.” He settled in and wrapped himself in a blanket. “Now leave,” he said. “And don’t come back unless Jeremy made something or you have something worthwhile to add to this household.”

I went back downstairs and realized that Jeremy and the other two roommates were drowsily waiting for me. One of them could barely stand up while Jeremy still hadn’t gotten up from the floor.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“It’s time,” Jeremy said. “You have to go. I think we’ve been patient, but you’re clearly not the fifth roommate that we tinkered with needing.”

Another explosion erupted, rocking the house.

“I’m not going out in that.” I sat in a firm motion on the step. “You send me out there, you might as well convict yourselves of murder.”

“Please,” Jeremy said. He grabbed my arm and tried to hoist me up, but it required too much effort on his part. He was out of breath and let me go.

“You’re getting Arby’s whether you like it or not,” he said.

“Someone in need of some exercise?”

He took a deep breath and put his hand on his heart. “I’m too busy for the gym. I’ve got other things to do.”

“Like not share life-saving technology with those who might need it?” I asked.

He tried again to hoist me up, but I became a dead weight.

“Would you two help?” he asked, clearly annoyed.

One of the roommates rubbed his eyes. “I thought I could do it,” he said. “Maybe we should wait until tomorrow. I’m just too tired.”

“There you go,” I said. “You’ve had a jam-packed day. I can easily wait until tomorrow.”

Jeremy went over to the dining room and moved one of the stock-heavy shelves. Behind it was a door, which he weakly knocked on it with a slight thump. He was slightly winded, but he tried again. This time, it was followed by heavy footsteps and a large man, maybe six-feet-five or six-feet-six, emerging. He was hairy and seemed a bit discombobulated, but he rubbed his eyes in the light and looked around.

“Right here,” Jeremy said.

The man grunted slightly, but turned his attention toward Jeremy.

“Who’s this?” I asked. “Has he been in your basement this whole time?”

“We call him Galactus,“ Jeremy said. “He happily sits in his basement quietly—”

Galactus grumbled.

“
Quietly
,” Jeremy emphasized. “Until we need him. He’s totally happy. Think about how hard jobs are to find in this era and you’ll stop giving me judgement eyes.”

“So you’re telling me there’s a woman out there who said, ‘I don’t care who it offends, I’m sending a child out into the world named Galactus,’” I said.

Jeremy shook his head. “Duh. It’s Galactus! He’s only
the
Devourer of worlds! Besides, I don’t know what his real name is.”

“Also, he’s a big fat guy,” said another roommate. “It just made sense.”

“What’s your real name?” I asked.

“Joaquin,” he muttered.

“Hi, Joaquin.”

“Hi.”

“I don’t have the energy for any of this.” Jeremy braced himself against the wall. “Galactus, take her to Arby’s and pick up our food delivery.”

Galactus, or Joaquin, nodded, took a few steps toward me and picked me up with such strength and speed there was no reaction time for me.

“Hey,” I said.

He threw me over his shoulder and moved toward the basement door. Randy’s head poked down from the stairway.

“Is Galactus doing a run?”

“He’s throwing out your girlfriend too, but yes,” Jeremy said, handing Galactus the keys.

“This is bullshit by the way,” I said.

“Tell him to pick up Oreos. The kind stuffed with cookie dough.”

Galactus turned and steered me into a smelly basement and all I could think about was how cookie dough Oreos sounded about like the grossest thing ever.

I strained against the guy, but he was too strong.

“Joaquin,” I said. “You don’t have to do this. Please don’t take me to Arby’s. No one should go there. Apocalypse or not.”

Joaquin was silent and carried me through another back door, this leading to where a Honda Civic with the windows covered in plastic bags and duct tape sat.

He opened the backseat door and then gently placed me inside. I scrambled to get on my feet, but he placed a meaty finger over his lips.

“Stay,” he said.

I watched him go over to the gas gauge and give it a good steady twist, then run to the driver’s side of the car, shut the doors and start up the engine.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

He peeled out of the driveway as I noticed fires spring up left and right all over the neighborhoods. Houses and trees freely burned while wreckage came down gently over the roof of the car.

“Joaquin?” I asked.

The car sped down the street and I could see the Arby’s sign brightly shining in the night.

“Joaquin,” I said. “I know work is hard to find in the economy, but please don’t think you have to—”

He didn’t even slow down. He passed by that haunted Arby’s like it wasn’t even a thought in his mind. I breathed a sigh of relief and felt as if I had accomplished my own survival. He did stop at a non-working stoplight instead and made a slow U-turn, then drove back in the house’s direction.

I scrambled up to the passenger side of the car as he slowed down toward the luxury house. He pulled up a safe distance from it and then took out a cigar from his pocket and a match.

“I’ve heard cigars are like smoking eight cigarettes at once,” I said.

He lit up.

“Is that true?” I asked.

He took the still lit match and then threw it at the house. It hit the porch, quickly grew to flame, then took over the entire infrastructure.

I lurched forward in horror, and gasped. I leaned over and tried to jerk the door handle open, but it wouldn’t budge.

“No!” I said, covering my mouth. “There’s people in there!”

His heavy turkey leg-shaped arm slammed me back into my seat as he puffed a cloud of smoke into my face.

“Wanna see me burn down another neighborhood?” he asked, face lit up, so incredibly excited.

“What does that mean?”

He looked hurt. He shrugged. “I don’t get out much. Except going back and forth between bosses.”

“If you think I’m going to touch you anywhere, you’re incredibly wrong.” I folded my arms.

“Why would I want you to do that?” he asked, his voice high with confusion.

“Um, well,” I said. “Now everything’s just awkward.”

His demeanor changed. He furrowed his brow. “God, I’ve got to turn down all this masculinity,” he exclaimed “It’s giving girls like you the wrong idea.”

I turned away and looked out the window. If it wasn’t one thing, it was another.

JOAQUIN WAS
A MAN
of few words. He lit up a cigar and puffed away at it, dispelling smoke in my face. I grimaced and tried to discreetly wave it away, in case I was seen as being rude. If this was pre-Apocalypse world and I was stuck in the car with him, be it as a courteous drive home or a date of low expectations, his silence would have made me nervous. Usually in that kind of situation, it would have made me amp up the casual chit chat, because that’s just a guard against an unwanted physical advance. However, just because the world had been destroyed and there were a few survivors still around, didn’t mean awkward silences weren’t still a thing.

“Boy, you know what I miss?” I asked, my voice fast and half an octave higher than usual. “Target. Such a good store.”

Joaquin said nothing, just stared at the road, letting cigar smoke curl around his head.

“I bought these shoes; they’re like brown color blocked Mary Janes, like one part is lighter than the other and tons of people complimented me on it. Super comfortable and found them in the clearance. Like, thirteen dollars or something.” I let my voice trail off. “Really good deals.”

Again, Joaquin was silent. I had just watched him kill four men by setting the house on fire and had no idea what was going on in his brain. Was I next? Was he going to do it again? Was he going to dump me off at Arby’s? Did they still make those tasty potato cakes? Who was going to take care of Bernadette?

“Let’s make one thing clear,” he said. “You’re not my type.”

With that, he got out of the car.

There’s nothing more disappointing than realizing that building relationships still sucks even after the Apocalypse, especially with a man who might kill you. Despite that, I knew that pickings were slim, relationship wise. He didn’t at least want to make one awkward advance?

“What’s your favorite show?” I asked nervously as I tried to keep my tone light. “You had a TV in that house…” I let my voice get super quiet, “…before you blew it up.”

Joaquin wordlessly pulled into the parking lot of a Costco, whose normally brightly lit sign was completely dim. By this point, I was still talking, but my voice was even higher, faster and now shaky.

“…and that’s why I can’t wear ankle socks.”

“Shut up,” he said as pulled the car to a complete stop.

I happily nodded and obeyed.

He flicked his lights on twice and waited. I took deep breaths, fearful that I was going to have to come up with a plan, and quickly, to get out of him making that last stop at Arby’s.

The windows were made of plastic bags. Maybe I could grab and pull my way out. I cast a furtive look on the floor under the seats, searching for a jack or a bat or something intimidating weapon wise. All I could see was some pairs of men’s tighty whiteys and a book that looked like it was about Polish time travelers.

He flicked his lights on and off again and this time a figure of a man appeared in the darkness. Following him where several smaller figures, all women.

“Joaquin!” the man yelled. “Get out here!”

Joaquin scrambled out, but before he left the car he put his finger over my mouth.

“Shush,” he said.

He ran over to the mysterious man and gave him a giant hug. I watched him lead the man over to one of the doors of the Costco, then use the key Jeremy had given him to let the man and his women inside.

I grabbed the door handle, jiggled it and then tore at the plastic. I hefted myself out the window and awkwardly fell out of the car. I picked myself up and ran across that parking lot. I figured I could make it heading west. There were some lights placed far apart and maybe there was another quarantine, maybe another Army base where I could be registered and maybe there was a family member, clutching my photo and praying for my return and maybe someone wanted to test me for a disease, after all. I could be open to it, in exchange for a better purpose to life. My mind couldn’t bring up any specific family member. Any one of them would do, just someone to make me feel home again.

I didn’t get far, as out of nowhere a blunt force grabbed me and slammed me down to the hard asphalt.

“Ow!” I screamed as it ground into my face.

Joaquin’s wide fleshly face appeared above me, shaking his finger. “I told you not to move.”

“No, you didn’t. You told me to shut up,” I said. “Which I followed. Until now. You didn’t say anything about leaving the car.”

“Joaquin, who is this?” asked a man’s voice.

“Found her,” he said quietly. “In exactly the way you said.”

I sat up and winced from the pain of coming face-to-face with gravity. “Excuse me?”

The man came closer and bent down. In the flickering light of the one working lamp in the parking lot, I recognized him as my old boss.

“Robert!” I tried to stand. “What are you doing here?”

“Doing what I can,” he said. “Same as you. Still alive I see. I’ve taken on a new position.”

He extended an arm. I took it, and he helped me to my feet. “I’ve been looking all over for you. Have you seen my new empire?”

“Really?” I asked. “How’d your human wall find me?”

Joaquin looked hurt. “I’ll have you know that I have a glandular problem!”

Robert seemed pretty pleased with himself. “I figured since you were single and looking for a rebound, I sent this guy to houses with groups of single men with lots of time on their hands.” He had a weird grin. “So how’d that house find you, anyway? Which one of those guys did you follow home?”

I was still picking asphalt out of my clothes. “You make me sound desperate,” I said. “I wasn’t desperate.”

“So how’d you meet them?”

“Dating app,” I mumbled. “Not what you think, though.”

He leaned forward, hand to his ear. “Didn’t get that. One more time.”

“Dating app,” I said louder. “Happy?”

He gestured to Joaquin, who now wandered in a small circle in the parking lot, hands stuffed into his pockets. “Any interest there?”

“Well,” I said. “Ten minutes ago, he blew up a house with four men in it and announced to myself and that Honda Civic that I’m not his type.”

“Uh-oh.” He playfully jabbed Joaquin in the wide gut. “I’ll tell you what I told her. No one cares about the noise your stomach makes during quarterly meetings as long as you have good people skills.”

He chuckled at his own joke. Out of habit, I followed his lead, but sarcastically.

“You look good,” he said. “It’s great to see you getting yourself out there.”

I stared incredulously at him, then at Joaquin, then back at him.

“Getting myself out there?” I asked. “Getting myself out there? What kind of world do you think we live in now?”

I felt the anger and annoyance rising. It felt warm and familiar like an oversized sweater in his smug face. It was the years of trying to follow his every unannounced change of plans, or having him tell me I was failing after I explained to him that I would not sit in his house and wait for a TV to be delivered.

“I don’t know what you’ve done,” I said. “But I’ve been almost been abandoned at an Arby’s, left for dead at the quarantine and been forced to flip through dick pics. Which are apparently still things!”

He frowned. “What happened to Jake?” he asked. “Thought you two were going to work it out.”

“Eh,” I said. “Long story short, his girlfriend tried to murder me after he got locked out of the quarantine and killed for a plate of sandwiches.”

“Boy, that’s rough,” he said. “You okay?”

“Eh.”

“That had to be hard for you.”

I folded my arms and looked away. “It’s in the past.”

“A week ago,” he said. “I have to say, given that you’ve had two boyfriends die horrible deaths, you’ve taken it rather cavalierly. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’ve been grieving,” I said. “It’s a process.”

He tilted his head in a sort of “I care” pose, nodded and reached over to pat me on the arm.

“I have some wonderful wisdom for you, but you can only receive it if you’re ready,” he said.

He raised an eyebrow at me.

“Okay.”

“Regulators have incented companies and individuals to conform to desired behaviors with threats of heavy fines,” he said. “Specific form, rate, disclosure and financial filing requirements carry serious penalties for non-compliance.”

I heard words, but it was as though my mind picked them up, looked at them and shrugged.

“I have no idea what you just said to me,” I said.

“Then you’re clearly not ready for the gospel of risk management,” Robert said, holding his similarly named textbook in his hands.

“This is your Bible?” I asked. “You’re still going on about this risk management nonsense? This is how we’re living?”

“Come,” Robert said and offered me his hand. “There is a new way to Eden, and if you leave yourself open to it, you’ll find it just as I did.”

Reluctantly, I took it as I left Joaquin all alone in the parking lot. “As long as there’s a big ass tub of Animal crackers,” I said.

“I’m sure we can do something.”

As we wandered up and down the food-packed aisles of the store, I looked at it in awe.

“Why does no one else come here?” I asked. “How have you not been ransacked?”

“Joaquin was holding it together when I found it,” he said. “But I’ve put together a crack team.”

In the week since I had last seen Robert, he had run off with Rebecca the quarantine nurse, but along the way, they kept coming across stray women, all who begged for something to eat or some kind of shelter. He offered kind words thanks to his
Secrets of Risk Management
guide, reading it to whoever wanted to listen. He inspired lonely women disciples, who swore their loyalty and whatever else they had to give. He offered comfort and security in the texts, which had some kind of logic that I didn’t understand. At least that’s what he explained as he led me farther into the store.

“So all these are your wives?” I asked and took a rather large jug of Gatorade from the shelf.

He nodded. “It’s really everything I’ve wanted, and they all can’t wait for whatever it is I have to say.”

He looked out into the distance with a dreamy look in his eyes.

“It’s like a never ending staff meeting.”

He explained to me that he met Joaquin when he discovered the Costco. Joaquin had been living inside behind the cases of dog food when he caught Robert’s two wives trying to break in. At first, he’d tried to seduce them into staying for vanilla wafers and bubble bath. Instead, they ran away and alerted Robert, who came down and told him to get his act together and that he’d be useless in any organization. Joaquin was inspired and prompted to tears. He promised to do anything for change and the chance to be half as successful. Robert felt bad and made a deal with him. He gave Joaquin a job and a picture of me, one from the Mitchellwide directory, and told him that if he could find me and get access to Costco, he’d be given lifelong employment on a seat on Robert’s right hand.

“Like an actual chair?” I asked as I pantomimed a chair with my hands.

“It’s figurative,” he said. “I speak in metaphors. Keep up.”

“What else are you doing?” I asked and took large gulps of Mountain Blue flavored Gatorade. “It’s a wonder you all haven’t been murdered yet.”

Robert shook his head. “Rebecca’s useless, but there’s a girl named Rachel who’s something special. She has a real can-do attitude when it comes to stabbing someone with a shiv or shooting them from a rooftop. That’s a valuable skill, Verdell. The keys to effective management are to find people with potential to make your team better.”

“I thought Randy had potential,” I said. “Can you blame me for just wanting to have food and TV on hand?”

“This is even better.” He nodded in agreement. “You can be part of the winning team and not feel the need to feel complete with a man.”

I shrugged and sighed heavily. “For the last time, I’m not desperate to find someone. Even if they were desperate to find me. Which apparently no one is.”

“You just need to find your purpose,” Robert said. “Which you will.”

A high-pitched argument suddenly broken out near the frozen foods section.

“We agreed, I get the last one, you walking pork roast!” yelled one of the women.

“Girls!” Robert said patiently. “Let’s calm it down over there. Don’t make me set up a thirty minute update meeting with you.”

The voices died down.

“You do seem calmer and more centered,” I said. “It’s like you’ve reached a love of management only few have dreamed of.”

“Married life in the end times has taught me quite a few things,” he said. “We have to fight for the things we want, and the old rules just don’t apply.”

“Which marriage?” I asked. “The one from last week or the one from three days ago?”

He shrugged. “External regulatory, peer and social forces play a big role, however, penalties and incentives are a primary driver,” he said. “It may sound cliché, but studies show motivating individuals often requires an incentive carrot.”

“What is that?” I asked, confused. “Are you memorizing that risk management book now?”

He took it out from his robe and pressed it to his forehead. “The more you read into this book, the more it shares its secrets with you.”

“You realize that you’re not making sense anymore, right?”

“Communication is give and take,” he said. “You’re just taking. It’s time to give.”

We passed another aisle, this one full of t-shirts and sweatpants. “Speaking of give and take, I could do inventory. Or tell the others to do it instead of killing people. I’m a great delegator.”

“Not too late to give Joaquin a shot,” he said, then walked off. “Keeping options open is a great motivating factor.”

“For who?” I called out. He didn’t answer.

In true Robert fashion, he called a meeting in the food area of Costco. Just before it, he pulled me aside as I walked toward the bathroom.

“Should we put together an agenda?” he asked. “What do you think?”

“For what?” I asked. “What are we going to talk about?”

He nodded. “Women need to be guided. Put them in a room together with no boundaries and it’s just going to be a Tupperware party or witchcraft.”