The Glass Knot-mmf (17 page)

“I
understand that feeling perfectly,” he said with a wry smile. “But with Josh,
it more often than not leads to sex.” He reached for a mug and opened a cupboard,
set about making his tea.

I
left the kitchen with a knot of apprehension in my belly, climbed the stairs
and pushed open the large double doors to the master bedroom. It was in half
light, the curtains practically drawn; only a few darts of sunshine peeked
through the edges, against the wall and the window seat.

I
kicked off my shoes and stepped onto the deep pile carpet letting it embrace my
feet like soft moss. Josh’s wonderful fresh scent mixed with Nick’s more heavy
fragrance enveloped me. It was a wonderful combination.

Josh’s
shape could be made out beneath the covers, the sound of his steady breathing the
only noise in the room.

I
hesitated as a sudden moment of uncertainty skittered through me. Nick had said
Josh wanted me, that I made him happy. But would he be happy with me just turning
up like this? He and Nick had been through so much lately, what if that had
changed his feelings for me?

I
tried to listen to my gut instincts, remembered the soft caresses and the
passion between Josh and I. It was worth the risk. I knew we were something
special, had done, right from the very first time I’d seen him. Being with Josh
was like coming home and having a wild ride of excitement all bundled together;
safe and secure but at the same time edgy and white-knuckled.

Quickly,
I slipped off my top and skirt so I was just wearing a neat white bra and brief
set. As I slipped under the covers next to Josh, I thanked the Lord for having
shaved my legs and washed my hair that morning.

The
cool sheets were silken and I moved in close. His back was facing me so I
pressed my cheek between his shoulder blades and relished the texture and scent
of his skin as I curled my arm around his waist.

He
murmured something incoherent and reached for my forearm now resting over his
belly.

I
tucked in tighter still, my breasts squashing up against his back and my thighs
scooping around his bare buttocks.

Once
again he muttered, then he turned, the sheet shifting off his shoulders and
falling midway to his chest.

I
stared at his face, at his closed eyes, soft mouth and the angry, raised red
scar on his forehead. Reaching up, I hesitantly touched this new part of him.
Wishing I could make all the scars go away, for both him and Nick. The scars they
wore both inside and out. Scars that were my doing and scars from people before
me.

He
flicked his eyes open.

I
looked into their blue depths.

He
stared at me. “Laura?”

“Hi.”

“Am
I dreaming?” He closed his eyes, squeezed them tight and opened them again.

“No,
I’m here,” I whispered, cupping his cheek. “And I’m sorry, I…”

“Shh.”
He touched a finger to my lips then smoothed a lock of my hair behind my ear.
“You’re here. That’s all that matters. No apologies.”

I
smiled, sighed and nodded. “Nick came to get me. He told me what happened, about
the accident. He’s been so worried about you.”

“I
know, but I’m okay.” He paused, chewed on his bottom lip. “But you? Are you
okay, I mean, I’ve been worried sick, are you…?”

“Am
I pregnant?” I finished for him. “No, Josh. I made sure I wasn’t and won’t be,
not for at least six months anyway.”

An
expression I couldn’t quite fathom crossed his face, a brief dullness in his
eyes and a twitch of a muscle in his cheek, then, “Nick knows you’re up here,
with me?”

“Yes.”

“And
he’s okay with it?”

 “Yes,
but Josh, we have to think of his feelings. What we did in the barn was
terrible.”

“I
know. I hate myself for it.”

Again,
that stab of pain.

“I
mean, not that I hated being with you,” he said quickly, as if reading my
thoughts. “I love being with you, making love to you. But I can’t be the type
of guy to go behind someone’s back. It just isn’t me.”

“That’s
because you’re a good and honest person. That’s one of the things I like best
about you.”

“Well
I try to be, but I’ve done things lately that I haven’t been proud of.”

“Nick
has forgiven you, we talked about it, me and him. He loves you Josh, loving
someone includes forgiveness.”

“I
don’t know how I got so lucky to have him in my life. But hurting you as well,
Laura. I’m so sorry. I never meant to make you feel used, or as if you weren’t
important to me, honestly, that was the last thing in the world I wanted out of
our relationship.”

“But
you were open from the start about our night together. I never expected it to
be more than that. I never expected a relationship.” I gave a small shrug. “That
night, Josh, I had a great time, we
used
each other’s bodies for
pleasure. All the cards were on the table, there is nothing for either one of
us to be ashamed of.”

His
mouth curled into a half smile. “I guess you’re right, and it was pretty
awesome, wasn’t it?”

“Yes,
it was.” I placed my hand on his firm pectoral muscle, felt the warmth of his
skin seep into my palm.

His
smile fell. “But in the barn, Laura. I tried to tell myself that was
spontaneous, that my desire for you took over, but that’s not true.” He
hesitated and a frown creased his forehead, wrinkling his scar. “I’d put that
condom in my pocket when I got dressed that morning. It really wasn’t as
unplanned as you perhaps thought it was.”

I
stared into his eyes, so full of self-rebuke. The trouble with Josh, I was
beginning to realize, was that he lacked the ability to see that he could be
forgiven, and that his needs and wants were important to Nick, and to me. We
could all put it in the past. “That’s all over and done with, we have to move
on. Live in the here and now.”

“But
how? How can we, how can I move on, when I want both of you? You and Nick.” He
let out a long, low sigh and his eyes fluttered shut. “I’m so confused.”

“I
don’t have all the answers, but what I do know is I don’t mind sharing you with
Nick and it seems Nick is happy to share you with me, at least for the time
being.” I drifted my palm across his chest and up to the hollow of his throat.

He
opened his eyes and his gaze dipped to the first rise of my breasts showing
above the sheet. He was silent for a long time. I heard the low hum of a small
plane flying over the village, and it wasn’t until it faded into the distance
that I spoke again. “Are you really all right?”

 “Definitely
better now you’re here.” He smoothed his hand over my shoulder that was
sticking out of the sheet, ran it down my arm to my elbow. “I love how soft you
are.”

I
moved my hand up and across his stubbled jaw. “And I love how hard you are.”

He
laughed suddenly, a lovely deep belly laugh that rang around the room.
“Sweetie, having you in this bed with me is making me harder by the second.”

I
widened my eyes. “Josh, you’re supposed to be taking it easy.”

He
tipped his head nearer to mine, his breath sweet and warm on my cheek. “You’ve
climbed into bed with me, practically naked, and you think I’m not going to
react?

I
touched my lips to his, gently, hesitantly.

But
he had other ideas and his mouth claimed mine with a hungry passion. Gone was
sleepy, serious Josh. Now he was eager for action and wide awake. I could feel
it in each kiss, each caress.

Our
bodies pressed up against each other. The sensation of his warm skin touching
mine was delicious and sent tingles over my flesh. He reached for the back of
my bra, struggled with the clasp for a few seconds before he released it.

My
breasts spilled out and I tossed the garment aside.

Suddenly
he pulled away. His expression one of great pain.

“Josh?”

“I
can’t. I need to speak to Nick first.”

“I’m
right here.”

I
turned at the sound of Nick’s voice. He was standing next to the bed in just
his jeans. Shadows tapered across his hairy chest and his brows hung low over
his dark eyes.

“Nick,”
Josh said, sitting bolt upright. “I…”

“Shh,
it’s okay,” Nick said, reaching over and placing a hand on Josh’s shoulder. “I’ve
accepted that you have strong feelings for Laura, urges, and if that’s the
greatest challenge in our lives we should be incredibly grateful.”

Josh
frowned, creasing his scar again. “But I want you too, I still need you and I
was just about to come and find you—”

“I
know and it’s okay.” He glanced at me. “Laura and I have it all figured out.”

We
have?

Nick
offered me a weak smile that I returned with equal limpness. I was besieged
with sadness for him. He was trying to be strong, to say the right things and
make everything right for Josh, but in doing so I feared he would hurt himself
beyond repair. “Nick,” I said, hurriedly pulling the sheet over my breasts and
making to get up from the bed. My clothes were a jumbled heap on the floor, I’d
have to make a dash for them. “I’ll leave you alone to chat to Josh. I don’t
think I should be here. This really needs to be talked through properly.”

He
shook his head and held up his palm. “You’re here because we both want you, no
make that
need
you here, Laura. Please stay.”

“But—?”

“I
just heard Josh laugh. I’ve missed that sound. It’s been a long time. And it
was you who made that happen, Laura, don’t you know how grateful I am for
that?”

“But,
Nick,” Josh said. “I don’t want to upset you anymore. I behaved appallingly, in
the barn, it was unforgiveable.”

“No
it wasn’t,” Nick said. “What would be unforgiveable would be not allowing you
to be who you are because of what I think, or what society thinks.”

“What
do you mean?” Josh asked, reaching for Nick’s hands with both of his and
sandwiching them in his palms.

Nick
sighed. “Who says your heart, your body, can only belong to one person? If
being with Laura
and
me makes you happy then as far as I’m concerned you
should have us both. As long as you and Laura can live with that of course.”

If
I’d ever believed that I was prepared to have Josh at any cost, including
Nick’s desolation, then in that instant I knew that had never been the case. I
only wanted Josh if Nick was truly okay with it. Nick’s happiness was every bit
as important as mine and Josh’s in this new triangular relationship.

Josh
shook his head. “But that’s just greedy to have two lovers. I don’t—“

Nick
shook his head and scowled. “You’re the least greedy person in the world. You
risk your life on a daily basis for the sake of others. Don’t ever say you’re
greedy again. I won’t stand for it.”

Josh
swallowed tightly. His face looked drawn with concern, his eyes searching
Nick’s face.

“She’s
good for you, Josh,” Nick said in a softer voice. “And if she’s good for you then
she’s good for me. I want her here as much as you do.”

Nick
looked down at me; his smile was more genuine this time and came with ease; as
if he was relieved to have his feelings out in the open.

“I
care about Josh, you know I do,” I said. “But Nick, I care about you too,
please don’t do something that will be irreparable to your heart.”

“Maybe
this will just make us stronger.” He looked from me to Josh. “Maybe watching
you two make love will fight my demons.” He gave a lopsided grin. “If of course
you both don’t mind.”

Oh
fuck, really?

The
thought of Nick watching us was as terrifying as it was exciting. I was pretty
confident in the bedroom, but still, I’d never had more than one guy in bed. So
even if the other was just a spectator it would still be pretty weird.

“I,
I don’t know,” Josh said, turning to me.

My
palms were a little sweaty, my mouth suddenly dry. There was still a needy buzz
in my pussy and the sight of a naked Josh sitting on the bed in front of me wasn’t
helping with rational thought. Not knowing what else to do I gave a small,
non-committal shrug that belied the turmoil of emotions rushing through me.

Josh
suddenly reached for Nick, tugged him by the shoulders and kissed him with the
same enthusiasm and passion he had me only minutes ago.

Nick
closed his eyes, slid his hands up Josh’s back and leaned into him.

I
watched with fascination. I loved watching them kiss. It was one of the most
erotic things I’d ever witnessed, and each time it just got better. Would Nick
enjoy watching Josh and I kiss—fuck? Would it turn him on or make him
fume? Would it, like he said, help him fight the demons, imagination, after
all, was often worse than reality?

Their
breaths were hard and noisy, their chests mashed up against each other. I
tugged at my tight nipples, twisted and pulled, enjoying how my pussy tightened
with each busy movement of their jaws. I hoped Josh and I would turn Nick on
the way they did me. I remembered when I’d watched them through the kitchen
window. That had been an angry fuck, full of fury and pain, but it had been
sexy as hell. I’d replayed it several times over in my mind with a multitude of
emotions ranging from happy voyeurism to mountains of guilt.