The Good Apprentice (71 page)

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Authors: Iris Murdoch

BOOK: The Good Apprentice
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‘You
read it
in the
papers?’
‘Yes. Edward, please don’t be so intense.’
‘I don’t understand. And you haven’t been home? I can hardly believe you’ve left Seegard. I feel you must still be there, as if you couldn’t leave — ’
‘As if I’d crumble to pieces in the outside world? As you see, I haven’t.’
‘And you’ve been in London all this time and you didn’t tell me, didn’t get in touch — ’
‘I was going to — I wanted to get a job first.’
‘You came to London all by yourself?’
‘Yes! I’m not such a silly girl as you think.’
‘But — look — why are you
here,
why
on earth
are you
here
— were you expecting me?’
‘No — why are you here if it comes to that? How did you know where I was?’
‘I didn’t. Mrs Quaid lives here. I came to see her.’
‘Then you didn’t know — she’s dead.’
‘Oh — I’m so sorry — how awful — ’ It did indeed seem to Edward something awful, something uncanny and doom-laden. He said, ‘She’s dead too’, as if death were catching and Jesse had infected her. ‘But she can’t be dead. I mean I saw her a few days ago.’
‘She died a few days ago. She must have died just after you saw her. The funeral was yesterday only I couldn’t go. She’s had cancer for ages. But you know her, do you? How do you know her?’
‘I came here to a seance — that was before I came to Seegard — I never told you because it was so weird and extraordinary, I felt rather secretive about it — and a voice told me to — to come to my father — ’
Ilona, the new Ilona with the cut hair, was looking at him intently. ‘You mean you got a
message?’
‘Yes. Well, it seemed like that. Then Mother May’s letter came. I didn’t tell about the message, I didn’t want her to feel there was any reason except her letter, and anyway it would have sounded perfectly mad — ’
‘How strange — I didn’t know you knew Dorothy — Mrs Quaid — ’
‘I only saw her twice. The second time I — oh never mind — But you still haven’t said why
you’re
here, here today in this house? Did you come to consult her — too?’
‘I live here.’
‘You — ?’
‘When I came to London I came here, I had to have somewhere to stay. Dorothy Quaid is an old friend of Mother May, she knew her at the art school, she used to teach textile design before she developed her gift. She’s the person who used to take all our jewellery and stuff to London to sell.’
‘You mean she knows you — she knew you all — she knew Jesse — she’s been to Seegard?’
‘Yes, I said, she’s an old friend.’
‘So that explains it — or rather — it doesn’t — I’ll have to think — and you’ve been here all this time — ’
‘How did you come across Dorothy?’
‘That was by chance — if there is such a thing. A girl called Sarah Plowmain gave me a card, she’s the daughter of Elspeth Macran who used to know your mother, I think — Oh dear dear Ilona, I’m so glad to see you. I was so sorry not to see you at Seegard on that day — but of course you’d already gone earlier — ’
‘What day? Have you been at Seegard?’
‘Yes, didn’t you know? I suppose they don’t write and it’s all just happened. I found Jesse.’
‘You mean you — ?’ .
‘I found his body. Oh — did the papers say anything about that? I haven’t seen any newspapers, I’ve been rather — ’
‘No, there was nothing about you.’
‘I suppose they didn’t want to bring me in — they didn’t say — I found his body in the river — I — ’
‘Don’t tell me about it now, please.’
‘I’m sorry, I don’t want to upset you.’
‘I’m not upset. Of course I am upset. But I knew he was dead. Ever since he disappeared I knew that he was dead.’
‘How
did you know?’ said Edward. He stared at her new closed grown-up face.
‘Just a feeling, an intuition, a quite certain feeling.’
‘He was in the river. What do you think happened?’
‘As we shall never know,’ said Ilona, ‘it’s better not to think.’
‘You don’t imagine — well, you’re right. Better leave it. I feel — such awful grief and shock — I kept believing he was alive.’
‘I got over the shock earlier. I cried then. I’m over it now.’ As she said this Ilona’s eyes filled with tears and she bowed her head over her beads.
Edward got up and touched her shoulder, touching the soft cool material of the dress, then he touched the sleek hair which glittered so in the bright sunlight and felt so smooth, he felt the warmth of her head and wanted to stroke her gently, but his gesture remained awkward and unfinished. Ilona shuddered, then got up, found her handbag on the floor, took out a handkerchief and blew her nose. They resumed their seats.
Ilona said, ‘What did you think of my mother’s memoirs?’
‘Oh,’ said Edward, ‘has she published them? I haven’t seen — ’
‘Something came out in a newspaper. I expect someone will show you.’
‘I’ve been awfully out of touch. So I expect you’ll go back to Seegard now?’
‘No. But I’m leaving London.’
‘Where are you going?’
‘Paris.’
‘Paris?’
‘Yes. I’ve never been there.’
‘But, Ilona, you can’t go to Paris alone. I’ll come with you.’
‘I won’t be going alone.’
‘Ilona — what have you been doing since you came to London. Did you get a job?’
‘Yes. I’m a dancer in Soho.’
‘You don’t mean — ’
‘Yes, I’m a stripper.’
‘How
can
you — ’
‘Very easily. You must come and see me. Don’t be shocked. Look, here’s a card, it’s called the “Maison Carrée”. It’s a job, I had to do something to earn money, I couldn’t just go back and say I couldn’t — and the only things I can do are dance and make jewellery — and — ’
‘Dance — yes — ’ Edward recalled what he had seen in the sacred grove. ‘You’re a wonderful dancer.’
‘How do you know?’
‘You must get a real job, with real dancing, in ballet or — ’
‘It’s too late for ballet. Maybe I will get another job later on. Things happen quickly in Soho.’
‘But did you go to Soho on purpose?’
‘I didn’t really do anything on purpose. I thought Dorothy would help me to get a job in the jewellery trade. She was always rather fond of me, you see. Then just as I came she got much more ill — that was so terribly sad — though of course we knew it had to happen — I didn’t expect it — ’
‘Poor Ilona — ’
‘She was such a nice person — ’
‘Don’t cry, I can’t bear it — ’
‘Oh such a lot has happened to me — ’
‘What else?’
‘Edward — you know what attracts poltergeists?’
‘What? Yes.’
‘Well, I wouldn’t attract any now.’
‘Oh my darling,’ said Edward. But he already knew.
‘You see — I asked you to look after me — and you wouldn’t — and now someone else does — ’ Ilona’s eyes, which had filled with tears, now overflowed, her mouth was wet and she mopped her chin with her handkerchief, she looked defenceless and childish like the old Ilona.
Edward jumped up again. He felt such an intense desire to protect her, to gather her to him and shield her, together with a dreadful hopeless remorse, and he groaned to think how much in the future he would suffer for this too. He even said, ‘It’s too much, it’s too much — ’ He stood near her wringing his hands.
‘Oh don’t worry,’ said Ilona, dropping her soaked handkerchief on the floor and trying to dry her face with the back of her hand, ‘I’m all right. I’m going to Paris next week with Ricardo, he’s one of the people at the strip joint.’
‘But they must be awful people.’
‘Ricardo isn’t, he’s gentle and — he’s in theatre really — ’
‘I suppose he’s Italian.’
‘No, he’s from Manchester, he had a terrible childhood.’
‘Ilona, I’m so sorry.’
‘Don’t be. And they aren’t awful. There are all kinds of other people. It’s all somehow happened as it had to happen, I’m pleased with how it happened.’
‘But what about Mother May and Bettina?’
‘They don’t need me. They’re strong. I have to follow my own path now. Of course I’ll go back to see them later on.’
‘Dear dear Ilona, dear sister, I wish you’d let me help you now, I’m so unhappy, I need someone to love and look after, don’t go away with Ricardo, stay with me.’
‘No, no, it wouldn’t do. Look, I’ve got to go soon. I have to rehearse something, I’ll get in touch with you when I come back. I’ve no idea when that will be, and I’ll have to find somewhere else to live, but I’ll get in touch, really.’
Ilona had risen and moved toward the door. Edward followed her. He said, ‘I can’t bear your going away, now that I’ve found you, I can’t bear it, please stay, I love you.’ He stared down at her cap of beautifully cut red-golden hair, like the shining fur of some delightful animal, and was able now to reach out and place his hand upon her. He stroked her hair, and as he touched the round of her head he felt through his fingers the electricity of her whole body. He drew his hand firmly down onto the back of her neck, and then stepped away. They looked at each other.
‘I’m glad to see you, Edward. There’s something I want to say to you. In those memoirs, just the bit they published, I’ve known for years my mother was writing some sort of diary, she never showed it to us, she says somewhere that she has had consolations — ’
‘Consolations?’
‘Love affairs. Jesse had love affairs. She says she had too. Of course it must have been long ago.’
As Ilona paused, making this sound like the end of her statement, Edward said, ‘And — go on — ’
‘Just that.’
‘I don’t understand,’ said Edward.
‘Leave it then, better leave it anyway, I must go, I must bathe my eyes and put my make-up on.’
Edward stared down at her upturned face, so small and lean without the great mass of hair. He said, ‘Oh
no
— ’
‘Leave it. It’s like that other thing.’
‘Are you saying that Jesse might not be your father?’
‘He
might
not be. But we’ll never know. So it’s no use imagining.’
‘Now you’ve said this how can we not — ’
‘Bettina resembles Jesse and I don’t, but of course that doesn’t prove anything — ’
‘We could have a blood test — but no, Ilona, no — we can’t start
investigating
— it’s unthinkable — ’
‘I agree.’
‘How strange. Jesse once said he hoped I’d marry you. I reminded him you were my sister, I wonder if he thought you weren’t.’
Ilona shook her head and said nothing.
‘Is there anyone you think might be your father?’ Everything they were saying was so terrible. Edward thought, we must stop this.
‘No. There was a man, he’s dead now, I think he was Jesse’s lover, and then Mother May took him away, but I haven’t any reason to think — it’s just that I somehow remember about him — he was a painter, his name was Max Point.’
Edward was about to cry out at the name, but stopped, covering his mouth with his hand. He would have to think about that one. He said, ‘I suppose — not now but later — we could ask your mother — ’
‘No, we couldn’t. No, no. She couldn’t bear it. She might say anything.’
‘You mean we couldn’t believe her, or she mightn’t be sure, or — ’
‘She couldn’t bear it. And if it all got confused.’
‘No, I see what you mean, we can’t, better to leave it alone. There’s nothing to be done.’
They stared at each other with a long sad stare, lips parted. ‘Anyway,’ said Edward, ‘I love somebody else.’ It struck him as a bizarre thing to say, what did ‘anyway’ mean?
Ilona sighed and turned her eyes away. ‘I wanted to say it to you — now it’s said and gone.’ She went back to the table and picked up her handbag. ‘I must be off, I’ve got a lot to do, I’ve got to get some contact lenses and buy some clothes and go to the club. You know, Jesse’s a sex hero since those memoirs — you look just like his picture — you can have any girl in London.’
‘Ilona, don’t talk like that! I’ll see you before you go to Paris?’
‘Better not. I’m glad we met here. We’ll meet again later. I’ll know myself better later. You could come and see me dance, but just to watch, don’t try to — ’
‘I don’t think I’ll come,’ said Edward. ‘I don’t want to see you dance there. I’ll see you dance at Covent Garden.’

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