The Good Soldier Svejk (33 page)

"And what were you going to do at Budejovice?"

"Join the 91st regiment."

The police sergeant told Schweik to return to the guard room, and quick, before he forgot it, he added to the report he was drawing up for the superintendent of police at Pisek : "He knows the Czech language perfectly and wanted to enter the 91st infantry regiment at Budejovice."

The police sergeant gleefully rubbed his hands, delighted at the abundance of the material he had collected and at the detailed results achieved by his method of enquiry. He smiled with satisfaction and from a pigeonhole in his desk he took out a schedule of secret instructions issued by the chief of police in Prague. It was marked with the usual "Strictly Confidential" and read as follows :

All police authorities are urgently reminded that they must keep an extremely careful watch on all persons passing through the area of their jurisdiction. The operations of our troops in eastern Galicia have caused a number of Russian units, who have crossed the Carpathians, to occupy positions within the territories of our Empire, thus shifting the battle front further to the west of the Monarchy. This new situation has made it possible for Russian spies, owing to the instability of the battle front, to penetrate further into the territories of our Monarchy, especially in Moravia and Silesia, from which, according to confidential reports, large numbers of Russian spies have proceeded to Bohemia. It has been ascertained that among them there are many Czechs from Russia, trained in Russian military academies and with a perfect knowledge of the Czech language, who seem to be particularly dangerous persons, since they can, and undoubtedly do, spread treasonable propaganda among the Czech population. The police authorities are therefore instructed to detain all suspicious persons and in particular to keep a strict watch on localities in the neighbourhood of military garrisons, centres and stations through which troop trains pass. Persons thus detained are to be immediately subjected to a cross-examination and handed over to the appropriate higher authorities.

The police sergeant again smiled contentedly, and put the secret schedule back again into the pigeonhole labelled "Secret Instructions." There were many of them and they had been drawn up by the Ministry of the Interior in cooperation with the Ministry of Defence. The police headquarters at Prague were kept busy all day long duplicating and distributing them. They included :

Instructions for keeping in touch with the disposition of the local

population. Hints how, by means of conversation, to trace the effects of the news

from the front upon the disposition of the local population. Questionnaire on the attitude of the local population towards the war

loans and subscriptions. Questionnaire on the feeling among those called up and about to be

called up. Questionnaire on the feeling among members of the local council. Instructions for an immediate inquiry to ascertain what political

parties the local population belongs to and in what numerical

proportions the individual parties are represented in this respect. Instructions for keeping in touch with the activities of the leaders of

the local political parties. Questionnaire on the manner in which newspapers, periodicals and

pamphlets reach the respective police areas. Orders relating to an inquiry to discover the associates of persons

suspected of disloyalty and to ascertain how their disloyalty is

exhibited. Orders relating to methods for securing informers from among the

local population. Orders for paid informers from among the local population duly

registered for service.

Every day brought fresh orders, regulations, questionnaires and instructions. Swamped by this glut of contrivances which emanated from the Austrian Ministry of the Interior, the police sergeant was harassed with large quantities of arrears, and he dealt with the questionnaires in a stereotyped manner by replying that everything was all right and the loyalty among the local population was up to the Ia standard. The Austrian Ministry of the Interior had devised the following standards to indicate de-

grees of loyalty and devotion to the Monarchy : Ia, Ib, Ic ; IIa, IIb, IIc; IIIa, IIIb, IIIc; IVa, IVb, IVc. The latter standard on the
"a"
grade denoted treason and gallows, "b" implies internment, while "c" meant observation and imprisonment.

The police sergeant often shook his head despairingly when he saw the accumulation of documents and circulars which relentlessly assailed him with every post. As soon as he saw the familiar envelopes stamped "Official, paid," his heart sank, and in the night, when he was brooding over the whole business, would come to the conclusion that he was not going to survive the war. He was at his wit's end through being bombarded day after day by inquiries from police headquarters, demanding the

reason why he had not replied to questionnaire number

or what he had done with regard to instructions number

or what particular results had accrued from orders

number-

and so on.

Yes, the police sergeant had passed many sleepless nights. He was continually awaiting inspections, investigations. He used to dream about ropes and about being led to the gallows. And in his dream, just before he was going to be hanged, the Minister of National Defence in person asked him :

"Sergeant, what have you done with the reply to circular

number

But now the outlook was far rosier. The police sergeant did not doubt that the district superintendent of police would tap him on the shoulder and say: "Congratulations, Sergeant." In his mind's eye he saw other delightful prospects, such as distinctions, rapid promotion and a wide recognition of his efficiency in tracking down wrongdoers, which would pave the way to a brilliant career.

He called his right-hand man and asked him :

"Did that lunch arrive?"

"They brought him some smoked pork with cabbage and

dumplings. There wasn't any soup left. He's had some tea and wants some more."

"Then get it for him," was the sergeant's liberal decision, "and when he's had it, bring him to me."

"Well, did you enjoy it?" asked the sergeant, when half an hour later Schweik, who had eaten to his heart's content, was brought to him.

"Oh, it wasn't so bad, only there ought to have been a little more cabbage. Still, it can't be helped—I know you wasn't expecting me. The smoked pork was well done. I wouldn't mind betting it was home-cured stuff. And the tea with rum did me a world of good."

The sergeant looked at Schweik and began :

"They drink a lot of tea in Russia, don't they? And have they got rum, too?"

"You can get rum all over the world."

"Now don't wriggle out of it," thought the sergeant to himself. "You ought to have been more careful about what you said before." And bending over toward Schweik, he asked in a confidential manner :

"I suppose there are pretty girls in Russia, eh?"

"There are pretty girls all over the world."

"Ah, my fine fellow," thought the sergeant, "now you'd like to get out of it, wouldn't you?" And he rapped out like a machine gun :

"What did you want to do in the 91st regiment?"

"I wanted to go to the front."

The sergeant gazed with satisfaction at Schweik and remarked :

"That's right. That's the best way of getting to Russia," and he thought to himself, beaming with delight :

"That was a smart bit of brain work, that was."

He looked to see what effect his words had produced on Schweik, but all he could observe was unruffled composure.

"This chap doesn't move an eyelid," he reflected with a feeling of alarm. "That's his military training. If I was in his shoes and anyone was to say that to me, I'd feel pretty shaky about the knees."

"To-morrow morning we're going to take you to Pisek," he announced with a casual air. "Have you ever been to Pisek?" "Yes, in 1910, at the imperial manœuvres." When he heard this answer the police sergeant's smile became still more winsome and triumphant. He was now thoroughly convinced that by this system of cross-examination he had surpassed himself.

"Did you go right through the manœuvres?" "Not half I didn't, seeing that I was a footslogger." And again, with the same tranquil air as before, Schweik gazed at the police sergeant, who wriggled with delight and could not refrain from rapidly entering this in his report. He called his right-hand man and told him to take Schweik away. Whereupon he completed his report thus :

His plan was as follows : Having wormed his way into the ranks of the 91st infantry regiment, he intended to volunteer for the front immediately and at the first opportunity he would then get into Russia, for he had observed that owing to the alertness of the authorities the return journey would otherwise be impossible. It can be readily understood that he would get on well in the 91st regiment, for on his own admission, which was extracted from him after a lengthy cross-examination, he went right through the imperial manœuvres in the neighbourhood of Pisek, as an infantryman, as far back as 1910. From that it is clear that he is extremely efficient in his own special branch. I may add that all the items of incriminating evidence were the result of my system of cross-examination.

The police sergeant then proceeded to the guard room. He lit his pipe and gave Schweik tobacco to fill his with ; the right-hand man put more coal on the fire, and amid the advancing winter twilight the police station was transformed into the cosiest spot on the globe for a friendly chat.