The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (47 page)

What about safer sex with a vibrator?
If you’re using your vibrator alone, you are engaging in safe sex. But you should avoid inserting a vibrator anally and then inserting it vaginally without cleaning it, as this will transmit bacteria that could cause infection. Remedy this by using condoms (or by having more than one sex toy within arm’s reach).

If you’re using a vibrator with a partner, you should clean the vibrator before sharing it. Many of the plastic attachments can be washed in hot soapy water; dildo-type plastic vibrators can be wiped with a wet cloth. You can avoid the inconvenience of interrupting sex play to bathe your toys if you use condoms—simply strip off the used condom and replace it with a fresh one between uses.

And They All Buzzed Happily Ever After!

Now that we’ve imparted practically every bit of information in our possession regarding vibrators, it’s time for you to go play with them! Our dream is that one day vibrators will become as commonplace and acceptable as any other appliance in your house.

Thanksgiving dinner was at my house last year. My mom looked into my room and saw my vibrator peeking out from under the bed, then she went into my sister’s room and saw hers. “You girls,” she exclaimed, “aren’t you even embarrassed that your guests will see?” I laughed. I don’t even notice them anymore. I hope if my guests see my vibrator, they’ll just smile and want one, too.

PROFILES
in
PLEASURE:

Candida Royalle

“My inspiration is
in giving women
permission, and
helping them really
achieve sexual
empowerment and
fulfillment.”

M
agnifique! Ultime! Jolie!

Don’t worry, we’re not about to wax ecstatic over vibrators in French. Rather, these are the names of a new crop of vibrators created by the adult filmmaker Candida Royalle. Her line of toys, called Natural Contours, are so discreet, stylish, and well-designed that they evoke similar superlatives from fans around the world.

Just as she had seen the need for adult films that would place women’s sexual gratification front and center—a need she met with her pioneering Femme videos—Candida saw the need for a vibrator that would reflect women’s experience of arousal and orgasm. “The clitoris is outside,” she explained, “so why were all these toys shaped like phalluses?” Designed to rest on the pubic bone and stimulate the entire vulva, Candida’s toys are a welcome alternative to the focused spot stimulation afforded by most other vibrators. “Now that we know the clitoris is not just a little button, but a whole band of erotic tissue, it makes sense to massage and exercise the whole area, which is what my vibrators do.”

Upon discovering that the largest of her initial vibrators, the Magnifique, could also be used effectively for G-spot stimulation, Candida went back to the drawing board and debuted what has become her runaway bestseller, the Ultime. The model is curved somewhat like a horseshoe, and one end of it is inserted vaginally for G-spot stimulation, while the other rests comfortably against the clitoris.

After only three years on the market, Natural Contours sales are up to an astonishing 250,000 units per year. If you think the idea of nearly a quarter million women buzzing off is impressive, consider the fact that Candida’s vibes are the first openly marketed sex toys ever to cross over to a mainstream market. Traditional retailers have shied away from battery vibrators, not wanting to offer anything with sexual connotations. True, “personal massagers” like the Hitachi have been commercially available in department stores for years, though they are never advertised as anything but muscle massagers, despite the fact that they’ve been popular sex toys for decades.

Because Candida Royalle’s toys are so discreet, attractively packaged, and well-made, they’ve been picked up by drugstores and women’s health catalogs. “The challenge was how to say what these toys do without being too explicit,” says Candida. “I came up with the phrase ‘stimulate internal and external pleasure points,’ but then the health catalogs actually started using words like ‘clitoris’ and ‘G-spot’ for the first time. What a breakthrough!”

Candida is anything but surprised at her toys’ crossover appeal. “My inspiration is in giving women permission, and helping them really achieve sexual empowerment and fulfillment. I wanted to reach all those women who are afraid to go into adult stores. They deserve access to toys or movies that are great for them.”

If you’re tempted to try one of Candida’s toys, make a night of it and pick up one of her videos as well. Femme videos seek to “give adult movies a woman’s voice and explore what women desire and want from sex.” Expect more romance, foreplay, safer sex, attractive women
and
men, and, of course, real women’s orgasms.

You can visit Candida Royalle’s website at
www.royalle.com
.

CHAPTER 11

Penetration

In this chapter, we’ll discuss the varieties of penetration you and your partners can enjoy and the ways in which we use our fingers, fists, dildos, and penises to explore each other’s bodies.

Vaginal Penetration

There are abundant physiological explanations of why a woman would seek out vaginal penetration. During sexual arousal, the outer vagina becomes congested with blood and the vaginal opening narrows, while the inner two-thirds of the vagina balloons open. The uterus and cervix become elevated, which accentuates the expanding space in the inner vagina. For many women, this ballooning sensation is accompanied by a desire to be filled. And many women find the experience of orgasm enhanced when the vagina contracts around something.

Dildos really improve orgasmic sensation.

I enjoy anything and everything vaginally, from a fist to a little finger. I love the feeling of being filled.

Sexual behavior isn’t inspired solely by physiological capacities, however, but by desire, willingness, and trust. We learn to trust our bodies’ capacities only after repeated pleasurable experience. If a woman experiences penetration when she’s not relaxed, aroused, and lubricated, she certainly runs the risk of feeling pain and coming to associate penetration with pain.

I’ve noticed the more turned on I am, the more lubricated and open I am, the more I enjoy intercourse.

Penetration usually hurts at first, but lubrication helps. Then it stops hurting after I am aroused more.

“Vaginismus” is the term used to describe one reaction in women who have had traumatic and painful experiences with penetration. The Kinsey Institute has estimated that anywhere from 2 to 9 percent of women experience vaginismus, a psychological response to physical experiences such as rape, childbirth, or painful intercourse. A woman with vaginismus will involuntarily and automatically contract her vaginal muscles whenever penetration is imminent. Treatment for vaginismus has a very high success rate and involves undertaking an exercise program in which the woman practices contracting and relaxing the muscles in her thighs and pelvis, and inserts progressively larger dilators (that is, dildos) in her vagina over the course of several months. The process is one of relearning conscious control over voluntary muscles as well as regaining confidence in the capacity to experience pleasure.

Of course, many women are perfectly happy with a sex life that involves little or no penetration of any kind. After all, one person’s erogenous zone is another person’s neutral zone, and everyone has different preferences as to which types of stimulation are most arousing. Assuming that all women find vaginal penetration pleasurable makes about as much sense as assuming that all men find anal penetration pleasurable. Furthermore, there’s a psychological component to penetration that affects our responses. When you enter your partner’s body, you’re crossing a boundary emotionally as well as physically. For some people, this merging is profoundly erotic, yet for others it is profoundly invasive. We hope it goes without saying that you should always respect your partner’s wishes in this matter.

To be honest, I could do without penetration. If a man just plays with my clit, I’m a happy camper. I don’t like sticking things in my vagina.

Fingers

WHY USE YOUR FINGERS? When an early sex therapist polled a group of men and women as to which part of their partners’ bodies—fingers, tongues, or genitals—gave them the most sexual pleasure, fingers took top honors. Hands are exceptionally sensitive, skillful instruments. The touch of your hand on your partner’s genitals is a form of intimate communication, which creates a fine-tuned range of sensations.

Fingers are definitely the most sensual and loving—also the most responsive.

I like fingers inside me. I like to feel my cunt squeeze them, and I like how warm they are when they’re pulled out.

I would have to say that my favorite type of penetration is with fingers. There are so many nooks and crannies fingers can find that a penis just can’t hit.

Of course, not every woman will have the same attitude toward digital penetration:

Don’t like fingers in my vagina due to childhood sexual molestation experience.

Fingers are hard and dildos are cold. I like a penis.

Personally, I can’t even handle putting a tampon in, but I love penetrating my partner. There’s nothing like sliding my fingers into a woman’s body and heading toward that magical spot.

HOW TO USE YOUR FINGERS: Before you dive in, take the time to remove any rings and bracelets, as these could scratch your partner. It’s also a good idea to wear a latex glove. Latex gloves are not only a safer-sex precaution, but in addition they can enhance manual stimulation for both parties involved. We aren’t suggesting that you approach your partner clad in thick, vinyl dishwashing gloves. Far from it. Thin latex surgical gloves are available from medical or dental supply houses (and many sex boutiques)—they come in in a rainbow of colors and a wide range of skintight sizes. If you or your partner are allergic to latex, synthetic alternatives are available that are just as thin as latex gloves. Either way, try to find unpowdered gloves, or if you can’t, wash the potentially irritating powder off the gloves before use. You’ll be able to feel every warm, moist inch of your partner’s vagina, but you won’t have to contend with the sting of her vaginal fluids, and she won’t have to contend with your ragged cuticles, sharp nails, and rough skin.

I like to use gloves because my hands are often irritated by the juices; also, I feel more comfortable probing a lover’s vagina with gloves instead of worrying about scratching, even with the shortest of fingernails.

I like fingers very much, but one advantage of penises, by the way, is that they don’t have fingernails.

Some folks prefer using finger cots—they are more commonly available in pharmacies and resemble the cut-off fingers of a glove. Finger cots are okay if you really are going to restrict your dabbling to one finger, but given the limited amount of surface area they cover, they aren’t the most practical or versatile choice.

So you’ve got your gloves on, and you’re wondering how best to let your fingers do the talking. Only your partner knows for sure. Tastes in finger-fucking vary just as much as tastes in any other sexual activity. Some women prefer to be penetrated with only one or two fingers and others prefer several. The same woman will have varying preferences as to how many fingers she wants inside her, depending on her menstrual cycle and her level of arousal.

I’m crazy about finger stimulation, especially four or five fingers at once.

Occasionally, I like someone’s finger inside me, generally when I’m ovulating and very wet. Sometimes after I come, I like someone’s finger inside me—it feels very comforting.

Nobody likes being poked at or penetrated before she’s turned on, so start by teasing your partner’s clitoris, labia, and vaginal opening until her genitals are swollen and warm. She may or may not lubricate heavily—it’s always a good idea to add some water-based lubricant. If she’s fairly aroused, your partner may slide right onto your finger(s) herself. Or you can start by inserting one finger and attend to her body language to see how to proceed from there.

You can move your fingers straight in and out, or twist them in a corkscrew motion, or tap and press around the vaginal walls. Some women prefer no movement at all, others a gentle stroking, and still others a vigorous thrusting. If your partner enjoys G-spot stimulation, you can crook your fingers up and firmly stroke the front wall of her vagina behind the pubic bone with what’s aptly called a “come hither” motion. Some women enjoy massage of the perineal area between the vagina and anus. Some enjoy pressure against the cervix and would welcome deep strokes, while others find it painful to have the cervix jarred. Experiment by stroking and pressing all around her vagina to find her “hot spots,” and ask her to let you know when your touch feels pleasant, neutral, or irritating. Every woman has different responses, so the technique that puts one lover on cloud nine might put another lover to sleep.