The Goonies (20 page)

Trunks full of coins, pendants, bejeweled belts, earrings, tiaras, buttons. Tapestries crumpled in a corner, sewn with golden
thread. Capes, dresses encrusted with gemstones, crystal balls, silver mirrors.

Mounds of uncut, unset stones—rubies, garnets, star sapphires, opals, diamonds…

My heart was beating faster.

“What is it?” I heard someone down below me ask. “What's up there?”

Treasure.

Uncountable pirate treasure.

And sitting around the table, two on each side and one at each end, were pirates.

Pirate skeletons, actually. Long dead, violently dead.

The two facing me had knives in each other's hearts. The one at the foot had his cutlass skewered into the belly of the man
to his left, and that man had his pistol pointed at the swordsman's chest, where the breastbone looked shattered by the leaden
ball.

The buccaneer to the left of the man who'd been run through still had a hatchet buried in his neck—
through
his neck, actually—and wedged tightly into the back of the chair.

And to his left, seated at the head of the table, presiding over this bloody, bloodless feast for three centuries, grinning,
with a silver goblet in his right hand and a black leather patch over his left eye, was…

One-Eyed Willy.

Waitin' just for me.

The First Goony… Willy's Last Will… Fratelli Again… Walking the Plank… The Rescue… The Cave-in… We See Light… Chester Copperpot's
Last Flare…On the Beach… Setting Sail.

The rest of the kids scrambled up and gaped a while as I walked slowly over to the head of the table.

I stood there facing him, with all these jumbled feelings—admiration, respect, awe, wonder. Familiarity.

I spoke to him. “Hello. I'm Mike Walsh. These are my friends. You've been expecting us, and well, here we are. We made it,
Willy. All in one piece, too—so far…”

There was a bunch of stuff on the table in front of him. A small pile of the most perfect gemstones, an open book, a scale
imbalanced by gold coin on one side, ingots on the other… and a bottle with a rubber bulb on one end and a kind of mouthpiece
thing on the other that as soon as I saw it I knew it was a breathalizer mist inhaler.

So Willy had asthma, too.

I stood closer to him. Me standing and him sitting, we were face-to-face now, starin' at each other like long-lost cousins.
Soul mates. Like he was my ancestor. Like I was his reincarnation. Like he'd called me here from some
astral plane he was floatin' on, called me here so we could stand face-to-face and maybe talk to each other 'bout bein' a
pirate and bein' a kid or maybe how bein' a pirate was
like
bein' a kid, like maybe it was a way of hangin' on to bein' a kid. And then I thought maybe that's what I was doin' down
here all along—tryin' to hang on to bein' a kid.

And that's just what Willy was doin' down here these three hundred years. Hangin' on to that for all of us.

With great respect and even greater curiosity, I lifted his eyepatch—like maybe if I looked into that eye, I could see something
special about him. About us.

There was no eye socket.

It was solid skull. Solid bone.

Like the bone of the forehead came down all smooth, and then, when it got to the place where the eye was supposed to be, it
was just more flat, hard bone. No socket there for an eye even to be.

So even in life, he'd never had an eye there. He wore the patch over empty skin, to make people
think
he'd once had an eye there that he'd
lost.
But he'd never even been born with an eye there.

He'd turned a handicap into a down card. Into a thing of romance.

And then I thought of all the goony contraptions he'd devised to keep people away and how they were just like the contraptions
I made to open my gate or Data made to keep away bullies. And I thought of how he was one of society's rejects, and of his
sense of humor, and his fold-in map. And I thought of his bad eye and my bad lungs.

“One-Eyed Willy,” I said as I replaced the patch, “you were the first Goony.”

Meanwhile the other guys were in pig heaven, stuffing gems into their pockets, socks, bags. Laughing and shouting.
All except Mouth, who was speechless for the first time in his life.

Andy and Stef were trying the rings and necklaces and jeweled combs. Data put on a crown, but it slipped down around his ears.
Brand was shovelin' booty into his pants, his shirt, even his underwear. Mouth came over and started to grab for the pile
sitting in front of Willy. I stopped him, though. “That's his,” I said. “Don't mess with it.”

Mouth shrugged and went for easier pickings on the floor.

I held a huge perfect ruby up to the light. “Dad's gonna die when he sees this stuff,” I said. It made me feel calm for the
first time since this whole thing began. “He's finally gonna get some sleep tonight.”

Brand called out, “Don't take anything you can't carry!” Seemed to me like a dumb thing to say—I mean, if we couldn't carry
something, how would we take it? “We'll come back for bigger stuff later,” he added. I was about to mention we weren't
outta
there yet but decided not to bum everybody out. Instead I just emptied my marble bag and started filling it up with gems.
Not the biggest ones. I went for choice.

My collection took me around the room, and back to Willy's side, where my eye was once more drawn to the book that lay open
on the table before him. It was written in longhand. Beside it sat a moth-eaten quill pen and a dried-out inkwell.

“Hey, Mouth, c'mere and translate somethin',” I said.

He came over to where I was standing and looked down at the book. “‘Dear Abby… ’” he read.

“Gimme a break,” I told him.

“Okay, okay,” he said, and hunkered down to really try to read the pages the book was open to.

And here's what it said, minus the words Mouth couldn't read or understand:

“… would never have thought these men of seafaring heart to be so small in spirit and [      ]. For after the [      ] British sealed
us in these three years ago, it was the fairest company a gentleman could ask in this our domain. Riches beyond [      ] and [      ].And
then the women died, every one, in childbirth or [      ] and the men fell to [      ]. Some wanted to leave, but I could not, as captain,
permit such desertion, so these men were [      ], [      ], [      ] the temptations of [      ] and began much fighting over the gold. We all were
kings and still they fought. Three I beheaded to teach them [      ], and of Jilbahr I had to eat his heart for breakfast, to teach
the others. After that there was order again. We drank and slept together. We were family once again, as no [      ] until Reno
went mad, and [      ], [      ] no one left but my five loyal lieutenants, who joined me here to come to terms. Yet in less time than
a [      ] they killed each other at my table while I watched with a great sadness. For many a lonely month I walked my [      ] and thought
of [      ]. Nay, this cannot be, said I, they are not dead—it was but a trick these merry soldiers have played on me, to chastise
me for my harsh disciplines. But no trick rotted their corpses at my table. I made to bargain with God, whom I had forsaken
many these devilish years, and I told Him that if only He would send me the company of men, I would give a third of my gold
to them and a third to the church. Yet nothing came to pass, so when I promised all my earthly treasure to
the church, which caused me [      ]. I fell next into a [      ] rage, for my despair made me [      ]. I set traps to keep all men out of
my kingdom, for now I hated all things and loved only my gold and myself and [      ]. And now the years have passed and I am not
such a [      ]. I have accepted my place here in [      ] for it is proper that such a one as I would [      ]. I rue the misfortunes I have
begot, I rue the world that seemed so careless. But do not think thee I rue my life, nor half a sun my time in this sacred
place. Yet still there be time for reflection and [      ]. For since there be here now none to hear me, so will I speak to thee—thee
in me that I have lost. Thou, thou Boy, hast taken sail from my soul, and it is to thee that I appeal for my redemption and
my [      ]. Be thou strong before the mast and rejoice in thy bold youth—but then return to me, thou, that I may at last rest.
And when thou hast returned and returned to me that boy who wast me, then to thine own manhood mayest thou go.

I sit here now at my table with my guests. I await my next visitor with joy, and with the passion of a shared secret. I shall
not move from this seat of honor until my honored and awaited visitor arrives, for to him I will my final will and testament
which is [      ]. Take here what thee will. What was mine now is thine. Yet if thee take it all, do thou get it all—all the running
from shadows, the [      ] greed, which hungers more, the more it is sated, the friendless old age, the grave of deep waters. Take
rather that which is suited to the treasure thine own heart seeks and seek not for treasure cold and shiny, lest it
lead thee to far caverns and chain thee there on a throne of waves, thou King of Empty Wishes.

William B. Pordobel

this 25th day of October, 1684

We just stood there a minute when Mouth finished reading, kinda solemn. I tried to turn back some pages, to read more, but
the whole book crumbled in my fingers.

“Smooth move,” said Mouth.

“C'mon, hurry it up, guys,” said Stef. “Those creepos still might be after us.…”

“What're we gonna do?” said Andy.

“I know,” I said. “The Hardy Boys did this once.…”

The others went back to stuffing their pockets as I outlined my plan. “We can leave a trail of this stuff, leadin' to one
of those skeleton caves. Then, if the Fratellis are still around, they'll follow the trail, while we hide in another cave
and fake 'em out. Then we can make a run for it.”

“That's a good plan.”

We turned instantly to the door.

It was Mama standing there, smiling, with her boys. “Real good plan,” she went on.

Jake and Francis had swords from above deck. Mama still had her gun, which she pointed at us.

I felt pretty scared, but Data just sorta freaked out. “That's it!” he screamed. “This is war! We will not be taken alive!”

Now I, for one, was willing to be taken alive, but Data meant business. He shouted, “Intimidator!” and pulled one of his cords.

His arms and legs began to expand, like he was growing muscles, and then lifts in his shoes elevated, and for a
second he
did
look kind of intimidating, sort of like when the guy turned into a werewolf in
The Howling
, or like the Incredible Hulk. But then his muscles kept growing, just like the life raft, until they all exploded and brought
him back down to size.

Didn't phase him a bit, though. “Optional Bully Buster!” he screamed, and pulled another cord. In a second all these flash
cubes he had tied to his coat began flashing, but they shorted out right away, I guess because of all the water we'd been
in.

So Data started pulling every cord on his body, while the rest of us just kinda stood there watching, sorta stunned. Green
smoke filled his pants and coat but didn't go anywhere else. G.I. Joe toys popped out of his sleeves, firing tiny projectiles
that hit the floor. Ball bearings rolled out of his cuffs. Bottle rockets, sparklers, firecrackers, bells—everything was shooting
out of Data's body, but nothing was working. It was like a junk explosion.

The Fratellis were enjoying the show. “This kid's better than Fourth of July in Asbury Park,” said Jake.

There was suddenly a shower of sparks as Data short-circuited. Everyone flinched, and a big spark hit Mama's hand and she
dropped her gun, and we ran like hell.

Out the door, across the top deck. The Fratellis were right behind us, though, and tackled us in a sec. We were down and surrounded,
with swords at our throats, when Mama walked over, slow and angry.

“Up on your feet,” she said.

We got up.

“Now go on,” she said, “empty out all those goodies from downstairs. Move it!”

We emptied our shirts and pants. Jewels and coins rolled onto the deck. The Fratellis were droolin' so much, I wanted to offer
'em a tissue.

Mama walked over to Mouth and stared at him real hard. “You got awful quiet all of a sudden.”

Mouth just smiled with his mouth closed.

“C'mon, chum, open your yap,” said Mama.

Mouth opened mouth, and about a pint of gemstones spilled out. Then Mama stuck her fingers inside and pulled out another three
feet of beaded pearls. Mouth shrugged.

“That about it, ladies and gents?” she asked, super polite.

We all looked down at the floor.

She nodded to her sons. “Tie 'em up,” she said, which they did. And when we were tied, they stood us in line at the edge of
the deck. Right next to this diving-board thing that stuck out over the water. Sort of a plank.

Mama smiled. “You wanna play pirate? We'll play pirate.”

The plank stuck way out over what looked like a deep section of water. No squid in sight. Yet. But it was still kind of churned
up from what had happened with him before.

Mama paced back and forth in front of us, sword in hand, like a pirate queen.

“You know, I've always wanted to do this,” she said. “Since I was a little girl. Wanted to have a bunch of snot-ass punks
at my mercy and make 'em walk the plank. Me and my band of pirates. So, let's see, now, who's first? Who wants to help a grandma
out with her dream come true? Who wants to belly-up and squirm for me so I can—”

Andy kicked her in the shins, hard. “You gross old witch,” she shouted.

Mama fell to the floor in pain but stood up before Jake or Francis could help her. Her eyes glimmered, and she
brought the tip of her sword to Andy's throat. “Move it, sweetie,” she growled.

Slowly Andy moved toward the board, then stepped out onto the plank at a little prodding from Mama Fratelli's cutlass. We
just watched. I felt totally helpless and kind of sick. Andy looked so scared, and Mama looked so demented. It was like a
bad dream you couldn't wake from. I started to cry.