The Governess Club: Louisa (23 page)

“When you make your choice, know that the other parties will be content so long as you are. Choosing one over the others does not eliminate them entirely. Well-sprung coaches and the postal system exist for a reason. Just know that you have eleven people who are proud to know you; you will never truly be alone again, for whatever comfort or distress that might bring you.”

Louisa was grateful for his words, oddly delivered as they may be. It struck her that he was right. She did have people that cared for her. She had spent the last few years so focused on looking for those who wished her harm that she had overlooked those who wished her well.

“What is this about her making a choice?” her brother said angrily. “I am her guardian. The choice is mine. Pack your things, Anna-Louise. I’m taking you out of this hole and back where you belong.”

“How about we let her decide?” John said, his voice tinged with anger.

He wasn’t alone. Louisa glared at her brother. “How dare you? You waltz in here, take one look at the place and deem it a hole? We have worked hard to improve it, to make it into the most successful inn on this road. It may not be Mayfair, but it is no less valuable to me or to John. And who do you think you are? You don’t see me for six years and you think you can commandeer my life?”

“I am your brother and your guardian,” he protested.

“That means very little to me at this moment in time,” she relied hotly. “The only family I have recently known are my friends at Ridgestone and—and John Taylor. He may be a retired prizefighter, Matthew, but he is an honorable man with more integrity and compassion than I have ever seen in you before.”

“You haven’t seen me in so long, Anna-Louise. I have changed from that man I used to be. You don’t know me anymore.”

“That’s my point, Matthew.” Louisa took a deep breath to calm herself and moderated her voice. “You don’t know me anymore either. I have changed from that young girl I was. I have seen and done things I never imagined I would have as a baron’s sister. I have been my own guardian for six years; I don’t need you or anyone to make decisions for me. John and my friends know that much about me and I ask that you respect me enough to allow me to do so.”

“Anna-Louise—”

“Good Lord, that’s exactly what I am talking about!” Louisa threw up her hands in frustration before taking a deep breath to calm herself. She pressed her lips together and lifted her chin. “I am no longer Anna-Louise, Matthew. That girl died that day in the library. I have been Louisa for six years and I intend to be her for the rest of my life because she is not a weak entity, dependent upon those who would make her so. You can’t even acknowledge that.”

“Matthew?” A low, contralto voice came from the stairs. Victoria Brockhurst was standing at the bottom, watching the byplay. “We could hear you upstairs. The girls are worried.”

“Everything is fine,” Brockhurst assured his wife. “We are just discussing An—Louisa’s options.”

Victoria gave Louisa a tentative smile. “I do hope that you will choose to make us a part of your life. It would be lovely to have more people around the table at Christmas. I come from a large family and can find holidays at Riverwood more quiet than I would like.”

Louisa smiled back, surprised and grateful at the effort this stranger was making on her behalf. “Thank you. I will be sure to make myself known to you. After all, well-sprung coaches and the postal system exist for a reason, correct?”

There was muffled coughing at the table and more Scotch was poured. Victoria’s smile grew. “Indeed. Shall I bring the girls down?”

“In a few minutes, my love,” her husband said. “We are not quite done here yet.” With another smile at Louisa, the blond woman disappeared up the stairs.

When her brother looked like he was going to begin another guardian rant, Louisa spoke. “Matthew, please understand. This is my life, not yours. This choice is mine. That is the way you can be a good guardian to me.”

Matthew looked at her silently for several heartbeats. He took a deep breath and rubbed his chin, looking at John, who just shrugged. His gaze shifted back to Louisa. “This is what you truly want?”

“Yes. I need to decide my own life.”

The smile he gave her was sad. “Well-sprung coaches and the postal system, right? Just promise me you won’t disappear again. Come to me if you need help.”

Louisa gave him a smile she didn’t quite feel. “I will do my best, but I have relied on myself for so long, it may take some doing.”

His smile remained sad. “I understand. And I apologize for how my past actions have harmed you. Truth be told, it was losing you that made me cast off that immaturity and recklessness. It was hard, but once I met Victoria, she helped me achieve the stability you now see. If you will excuse me, I will go inform her of what has transpired. I shall see you later.” He gave her an awkward kiss on the cheek and left.

Well, that was one down. Louisa took a deep breath and glanced between John and the men at the table. Jacob stood and approached her and John, his eyes never leaving hers. When he stopped in front of her, he shoved his hands in his pockets, his lips pressed together and his brow furrowed.

He spoke. “Louisa, did you ever stop to consider how your disappearance would affect Claire and the others? Stephen wasn’t mistaken. They have been worried sick, imagining all sorts of things happening to you. They have barely let us rest since Sara jilted the vicar.”

“What?” Louisa was incredulous. “You mean she actually went through with it? I left as it was happening, but thought she would come to her senses.”

Jacob made an impatient sound. “The point of the matter being that your disappearance created a turmoil in the house.”

She lifted her chin. “I knew they would be fine. They all had their husbands. They don’t need me.”

“If you think that is true,” Jacob scoffed in reply, “then we have just wasted the last five months searching tirelessly for you. Yes, Claire has me, Bonnie Stephen, and now Sara has Nathan, but none of us is you. For God’s sake, you have known them for years. Do you honestly have no concept how much your friendship means to them? You are not dispensable to them; you are their friend and they have been worried sick about you. Not even a quick note explaining yourself or indicating that you are well? Shame on you, Louisa, whoever you are. Shame.”

“You don’t understand,” she said.

He hunched his shoulders in exasperation. “Of course I don’t understand. I have no insight into what goes on in that head of yours. None of us do. I’ve known you for more than a year—Claire and the others for longer—and your first instinct was to run away, not talk about it with the friends you had been living with. I don’t know what hurt Claire more—your disappearance or the fact that you didn’t trust her enough to tell her something was bothering you.”

“Are you trying to guilt me into returning with you? That is quite the strategy. Is that how you managed to convince Claire to marry you?”

“Louisa,” John admonished in a low voice. She pressed her lips together, refusing to apologize.

“No.” Jacob shook his head. “I’m not trying to guilt you. I’m trying to understand. And I do believe you owe your friends an explanation, at the very least.”

Louisa turned away, moving to stare out the window. Jacob’s words surrounded her, suffocating her. How could he say such things? To hear him voice such things was odd. She never would have expected him to have any sort of insight—on anything. It occurred to her that she had always sold her friend’s husband short, never believed he would be able to contribute any sort of substance to Claire’s life. It was a shock to think he was more than what she expected.

That thought sent a jolt through her. She stared at her reflection in the glass. Good Lord, who had she become? She could see the bitterness tingeing her eyes, pulling the corners of her mouth into a permanent frown. She couldn’t even think of the last time she had met someone and didn’t immediately feel she had to protect herself from that person. Her first response to anyone was sarcasm and bitterness, anything to keep them from getting too close. Even with her friends, it had taken the better part of a year for them to break through her walls.

How had John done it so easily? Why had he even wanted to? God, looking at herself, she couldn’t see any reason why he should. She could see nothing in herself that another might find appealing.

Good Lord, she had to get out of here, out of this room. She spun on her heel and stalked to the kitchen. “I haven’t eaten anything yet,” she muttered. “Who can think on an empty stomach?”

“No, you don’t.” John moved in front of her, halting her progress. She tried to sidestep around him, but he didn’t let her. “No running, kitten,” he said quietly, his eyes full of understanding. “You are strong enough to see this through.”

“John.” Her eyes pleaded for him to understand and let her go.

“You can do this,” he reiterated.

“John, he’s right,” she whispered, fighting tears that she hated to admit were filling her eyes. “I am a horrible friend. A horrible person.”

“You know that’s not true. You have made mistakes, but you are not beyond redemption. What do you have to do to make things right?”

“I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do. Just think. What is the opposite of running?”

“What?”

“What is the opposite of running away?” he repeated.

She thought for a moment. “Running back,” she finally said.

Something flickered in his eyes and he smiled at her. It was an odd smile, one she hadn’t seen on him before, and she didn’t know what it meant. “There you go, kitten. There’s your answer.”

“You think I should go back to Ridgestone?”

John shook his head. “It’s not about me. This is still your decision. What do you think you should do?”

“I, um—” She stopped. He said to think about what she
should
do, not what she
wanted
to do. It seemed obvious. Jacob had laid it out well. There were three people in her past she owed explanations to. She should see to that.

Louisa looked at John, gazing into his familiar, comfortably dark eyes, trying to see what he was thinking. He wasn’t giving anything away, just letting her decide.

She took a deep breath. “I should return to Ridgestone. Jacob is right. I need to talk to my friends.”

Oh good Lord, what was that pain in her chest?

He nodded, pressing his lips together. “Then that is what you will do.”

The pain swelled, making it difficult to breathe. She bowed her head and wiped at her eyes, dashing away the tears that had dared to escape.

J
acob entered the pub, rubbing his hands against the cold. “Right then, Louisa, the coach is loaded. We are ready to go.”

Louisa smiled at her nieces and closed the storybook. “Well, I am sorry to have to leave before discovering if Ethelbert ever managed to get the mud out of his ears. We shall solve the mystery when I visit you at Riverwood.” Her eyes met her brother’s and they shared a smile.

The girls hugged her and Victoria promised them she would include their letters to her in her own. More hugs were shared, awkward ones with Matthew and Victoria. She was grateful neither of them lingered in the embraces. When they disappeared up the stairs, Louisa turned to look at John standing behind the bar, wiping glasses and setting them on the shelves. He was making an effort to not look at her, instead very intent on his task.

She didn’t know what to make of him. Two nights ago he was declaring his love to her on a frozen road and now he didn’t speak to her. She had hoped they would have had a chance to discuss what had occurred yesterday, but he had spent the remainder of the day being busy with the inn and boxing mill. She had even waited up for him but had fallen asleep before he arrived in their room. Waking up in the morning, she had found his side of the bed cold and flat; he hadn’t come at all.

She didn’t know what hurt more: his avoidance of her or his refusal to sleep with her. It sat in her chest, a tight heavy ball.

How had this happened? What did he mean by his behavior? To say one thing and then behave another way? He had said that it had been her decision, that he would not stop loving her, and then ignored her. Was this how he loved her with his love? If this was a taste of how things were to be with him, then perhaps she was better off returning to Ridgestone and not coming back.

Well, she was not about to leave while he continued to play at ignoring her. Louisa pressed her lips together, lifted her chin and marched over to the bar.

John glanced at her when she stopped, then turned his attention back to the glasses.

Louisa spoke. “The coach is packed. I am ready to go.”

He took a deep breath and continued cleaning the glasses, but didn’t respond.

“Ridgestone is two days away.”

The rag continued circling the rim of the glass, a slow rotation.

“I think that glass is clean enough,” she offered.

He placed it on the shelf and picked up another one, the rag barely missing a beat.

“Are you not going to say anything to me?”

He shrugged, inordinately obsessed with the glass in his hand. “What would you like me to say?”

“Good-bye? Safe travels?”

“Good-bye, then. Safe travels.”

The cold ball of hurt grew, weighing heavily in her chest. He still didn’t look at her, the rag in his hand warranting more attention than she. She supposed she should not have expected more, even from the man who had treated her like no other and then claimed to love her. She should have known that it had all been too good to be true. In the end, she was just another female a man had wanted for his own purposes.

“Louisa, the horses are getting cold.” She glanced over her shoulder at Jacob’s words, seeing him hold her cloak for her.

Nodding, she turned back to John. “Good-bye, then.” She spun on her heel and marched her way over to the door, weaving through the tables until she reached Jacob, who helped her with her cloak. Without glancing back at the bar, she stepped out into the cold, white morning.