The Green Knight (49 page)

‘But could you not get help, you are a psychoanalyst, you must have known such cases of amnesia, you could have asked some colleagues, some friend – '

‘Yes, yes, seek help, that sounds easy. But I did not know what I was seeking, and sometimes I feared it might be some horror, as if
I too
had committed a crime and deliberately forgotten it. And during this time I was also obsessed by grief at what I knew I had lost, my ability to do my work, and by my passionate desire for revenge. I was consumed by
hatred.'

‘Yes – I see – how strange – Buddhists say that enlightenment is found by a blow – '

‘My dear, I have never been near enlightenment, I am just a beginner! And certainly
that
blow took away the little light which I had. That is what I meant by forgetting God.'

‘But, you see, the first blow took it away – the second blow brought it back. Last night you were
struck down
, an angel struck you, and you became that angel – I saw you become very tall, I saw your spiritual being – '

Peter laughed, ‘You speak wildly. If an angel was present it was Lucas.'

‘Lucas
?'

‘An angel is a messenger of the divine, a messenger is an instrument, sometimes an unconscious one.'

‘So it was right to act it all again – Peter, Peter, do you remember how in that pub, The Castle, when I first talked with you, I said I wanted you to enter my life, enter my heart, with a great beating of wings like an angel. Oh now let me be with you! I asked you for a sign, and a sign has been given. Let me be your patient, let me be your servant, heal me – '

‘Stop, please,
stop
! I need to heal myself. Yes, we shall talk later and be together. I said there were things to be done, and here I need your help.'

‘I will do anything for you.'

‘Listen. First I must make peace with Lucas. I said earlier that that strange encounter, our second event, had brought about one good thing, the recovery of my memory. Now, soon, I hope it may bring about another good thing, our reconciliation.'

‘You mean you don't hate Lucas any more or want revenge – ?'

‘Those things have gone away. The light has shone upon them and they are shadows, they are gone. I do not want anything except peace. Listen. Today I shall send a letter to Lucas informing him of the change – the metamorphosis – and suggesting that we meet.'

‘What can I do today – may I stay here?'

‘You can do nothing today. Just go away and keep your mouth shut. Tomorrow – '

‘Tomorrow – '

‘Tell Clement what has happened. And – also – '

‘Also?'

‘Those ladies – '

‘The Clifton ladies.'

‘I want you to tell them too. Tell Louise, tell Alethea. I mean – tell them I have recovered my memory. But – I think –
not
about last night. That might upset them.'

 

 

 

 

Bellamy had, at Clifton, on the evening of the following day, a spellbound audience. The meeting took place in Sefton's room so that Anax, shut up in Moy's room, should not hear Bellamy's voice. The kitchen might have been more convenient, only the kitchen door did not shut properly, was indeed scarcely a door at all. The little room was crammed. The folding table, together with a lot of books, had been put out in the hall. Bellamy sat on a chair placed against the bookshelves which were beside the window. Louise sat upon another chair, Clement and Aleph and Sefton sat on the bed, Moy and Harvey on the floor. Many books were under the bed. In the morning Bellamy had gone straight to Clement's flat where they had talked for a long time, and it was agreed that Clement should be present when ‘the ladies' were told.

Bellamy had taken off his round glasses and was holding them in his hand like some tool of instruction. He was in black and white as usual. His old black jacket had with age acquired a greenish patina. He had searched in vain for a clean shirt. He had been moving his big round head to and fro as he talked, turning his amiable pale brown eyes upon each of his hearers in turn. What he said had (as Sefton put it later) sounded more like teaching than like revelation – it was as if he had known it all since long ago. Now it was question time.

‘You mean he had been practising this religion, or whatever it is, for years and
forgot
it all?' said Louise.

‘Yes.'

‘How many years?'

‘Well – I don't know. Some time. You see, lapses of memory like his often work like that. You can remember all kinds of ordinary things but not important things. Like shell-shocked people in wars who forget who they are or who they're married to and so on.'

‘Yes,' said Harvey, ‘that does happen. I saw a film about it.'

‘So he forgot he'd been good?' said Moy.

‘Did he also forget how to be good?' said Sefton.

Harvey and Aleph laughed.

‘I don't know,' said Bellamy. ‘I think he's always been good. But don't let us argue about that.'

‘I think it's an important point,' said Sefton. ‘I suppose now he'll go back to psychoanalysis.'

‘And he told you and Clement all this at his house?'

‘What's his house like?' said Harvey.

‘Posh,' said Bellamy. ‘A big house with a garden all round and lots of big rooms. I didn't see much of it.'

‘So you've only just seen it?' said Louise. ‘You said you didn't know where he lived.'

‘He wasn't living there,' said Clement.

‘That's what you think,' said Bellamy.

‘The house hadn't been inhabited for ages,' said Clement, ‘it was obvious he had only just arrived. I thought it a bit odd. Perhaps he wanted to avoid someone or something.'

‘Perhaps he wanted to avoid Lucas,' said Sefton, ‘perhaps he thought – '

‘Or the police,' said Harvey.

‘Perhaps he had forgotten where it was,' said Moy.

‘It can't be that,' said Bellamy, ‘the house is near where I used to live – '

‘So that's how he found Anax!' said Sefton.

‘He doesn't live there, but visits it secretly at night!' said Harvey.

‘I was going to say,' said Sefton, ‘if he accosted Lucas and Lucas acted in self-defence, then he might believe that Lucas wanted to attack him, but – '

‘Surely it was the other way round,' said Louise, ‘he
thought
Lucas was attacking
him –
'

‘Well, Lucas
did
attack him,' said Moy.

‘I was just going to say that,' said Sefton.

‘Please please,' said Bellamy, ‘all this is entirely irrelevant, I am telling you that he has regained his memory and wants to make peace – '

‘I don't think it's irrelevant, but let us leave it for another time,' said Louise.

‘You say he was a Buddhist,' said Sefton.

‘He is a Buddhist.'

‘What kind of Buddhist? Is he Zen?'

‘I'm afraid I don't know.'

‘Has he lived in India or Japan?'

‘I don't know.'

‘I expect he forgot that too,' said Harvey.

‘There seems to be a lot about him that we don't know,' said Louise. ‘Are you sure he's genuine, that he isn't deceiving you, or just imagining things? As you say, he has been suffering from shock.'

‘I am sure, I am getting to know him better – '

‘That seems to imply that you feel you don't know him well enough.'

‘I know him very well. He is a good man. He is going to make peace with Lucas.'

Clement said, ‘I think you've said enough now. Let's leave it at that, shall we.' He motioned to Bellamy and rose, expecting the others to do so too. As they did not, he sat down again.

‘But this is very interesting,' said Louise. ‘What you've said is very interesting, and splendid if it's true.'

‘Perhaps he's going to confess that he was a thief?' said Sefton.

‘No,
no
, he's
not
a thief! He's just giving up hatred and revenge! He regards all those things as shadows, they are gone.'

‘Shadows?' said Louise.

‘You mean it was all a dream?' said Harvey. ‘Whose dream was it?'

‘Don't Buddhists think that everything is unreal?' said Moy to Sefton.

‘Not quite like that,' said Sefton. ‘It's more like Plato.'

‘Oh. I see.'

‘Let's leave Lucas out,' said Clement. ‘What Dr Mir has decided to say to Lucas is his business. I think we shouldn't speak about it.'

‘But it has been spoken about,' said Louise, ‘and this seems an opportunity to get things clear. We are told a lot of strange things and then told not to discuss them. All this new stuff is thrust at us and we're being expected to swallow it and say no more, even if it doesn't make sense!'

‘Oh do be calm, Louise,' said Clement. ‘Don't get excited.'

‘I am calm, I am not excited!'

Aleph, who had been sitting with her feet tucked under her, stretched out her legs and put her feet on the ground. She said, ‘I think the main thing that Bellamy wants to tell us is that Peter has regained a part of his mind, and as a result he has become quiet and peaceful, I think this is wonderful, Bellamy has told us something wonderful.'

‘I agree,' said Sefton. ‘I wish him well with his Buddhism. I think it's quite the best of the world religions.'

Clement rose, Aleph rose, Sefton got up from the floor. Various voices were raised. Clement marched Bellamy to the door.

 

 

‘Well, what do you make of all that?' said Harvey to Aleph.

Clement and Bellamy had gone. Louise was in the kitchen. Sefton, having rearranged her room, had returned to her studies. Moy had taken Anax for a run on the Green. Harvey and Aleph were sitting in the bar of The Raven. Harvey had insisted on walking there.

‘What do I think? I think it's splendid. Don't you? Peter is a complete person again. He has regained his whole nature, he's able to love and to forgive. When he said it was all shadows he meant that so much of evil is unreal. I mean, he saw the futility of blaming Lucas or wanting revenge. One must rise above that. I think I shall become a Buddhist!'

‘If Buddhists think evil is unreal they must be mad! Thinking evil is unreal is holding hands with evil under the table.'

‘I put it badly. Of course evil itself isn't unreal, but certain kinds of thoughts we feel about it, like revenge and hatred and so on, are useless, made up of fantasies. Wouldn't you agree that we should not spend time wanting to revenge and punish?'

‘Punishment isn't the same as revenge. There are crimes and there must be punishments – '

‘Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord. Hate the sin but love the sinner. Of course I'm not suggesting that we should abolish Law Courts and imprisoning people! I mean something quite simple really, we should try to overcome our egoism and see the unreality and futility of so much of our instinctive thinking. We occupy too much time blaming and hating and envying other people and wishing them ill. We shouldn't do it!'

‘Where does all this sermonising come from? Have you been having tutorials with Peter, like Sefton used to have with Lucas?'

‘No, I'm just thinking, I'm growing up!'

‘Are you in love with Peter?'

‘No.'

‘Are you going to marry him?'

‘Harvey,
dear
!'

‘I suspect the study of English literature is doing you no good, it's full of all sorts of romantic high-flown nonsense. You've been reading Shelley.'

‘I plead guilty to that crime.'

‘I think Bellamy is daft, even dafter than you. Peter Mir has told him a lot of lies to put him off the scent.'

‘Off what scent?'

‘Didn't you hear what he said about how Peter stayed away from his house in order to avoid people? These people might be the police.'

‘So you hinted! One might have all sorts of reasons for avoiding people. It's none of our business.'

‘So you side with him against Lucas. Not that I side with Lucas. I think they're both liars.'

‘Surely you don't think that Lucas – '

‘No, I just don't like him. But at least Lucas is wantonly rude and unkind and doesn't pretend to be saintly. Whereas according to Bellamy, Peter Mir has become perfectly virtuous and wants to be admired, especially by you and the others! Why can't he be good in private? He
asked
Bellamy to tell us all about it!'

‘It's
relevant
, don't you see? We are involved too. Why are you being so mean?'

‘I don't see why we're involved. If we think we are, we're just meddling.'

‘I'm sorry, my dear. I just think that love is what is important, that is forgiveness and tolerance and mercy – and we shouldn't enjoy ourselves censuring people and thinking we're better.'

‘I also think that love is what is most important, though I don't think it necessarily contains all those other fine things you were extracting from it – and I don't know what love can do for the
terrible
things of life. I love you, Aleph, I've always loved you. I need you all the time. And I'm very sorry you are going to be away so long with Rosemary Adwarden.'

‘Not long, dear Harvey, I'll be back!'

‘Yes, yes, you will, won't you, I shall look forward to your return as to a release from prison, I shall feel like a criminal who has served his term, or a hostage who is suddenly unchained and set free. You speak as if you have discovered some new wisdom. Perhaps at last I am finding some new kind of wisdom too.'