The Guardian (32 page)

“Sure.”

Once we’re outside and away from prying ears, I ask, “Has Jonah said anything about them having problems?”

The concern rushing into his features over our friends turns me into a warm puddle of goo. “What’s wrong, Alexia.”

“Nothing specifically, but Becke’s halo seems dim.”

“Jonah said she was still sick. Do you think it might be something else?”

 “I just think we should keep a close eye on them.” My promise to Becke stops me from saying more.

Gabriel searches my face, and then pulls me close for a full contact hug. “You’re a wonderful, caring person and I’m so lucky you love me.”

Brushing my lips over his jaw, I start kissing my way toward his mouth. “And you are amazing. You’re the only guy I could ever love. My forever.”

 Gabriel freezes. Taking my face gently between his warm palms, he halts my kisses, stopping my lips just short of their goal. For a moment, he regards me with troubled, penetrating eyes. Suddenly, he seems infinitely old—wise and world weary—and sad. One hand strokes my cheek as he confesses, “I may be your first love, but I won’t be your last.”

“I’ll never—”

“Shhh. We don’t know what the future holds for us. Not even guardians.”

“So you expect to love again?”

“Unlikely. I have existed since time began and I’ve never known
this
before.”

“And after you’re gone?” He’s explained before, but I desperately need to hear it again.

“I’ll always love you, but the feelings will—temper. I’ll remember our love—how it feels to love you—but it will be head knowledge ruling my heart rather than the other way around.”

“Your heart rules your head right now?”

“My heart’s on fire. I love you so much I can’t breathe when I try to comprehend the depth of my emotion. My body’s a riot of feelings and passions—and I’m terrified my burning heart will impair my ability to keep you safe. But it’s like trying to stop a tsunami with my pinky. And I don’t want to stop it. I want the wave to crash over me and I want to drown in my love for you because I want you with every cell in my body.

“That’s the other thing I’ll carry with me when I ascend, the experience of loving you with my whole being, beyond reason and measure. Beyond supernatural discipline. A once in eternity miracle… my miracle.”

My body trembles as his words sink in. Though I try to focus on the declaration of love, it’s the bleakness of our future that takes root. “This can’t last.”

Gabriel squeezes my hand tightly. “Don’t think that way. This never should’ve happened in the first place. From all I know, it can’t happen. This is a gift and I plan to cherish every precious moment I have with you.”

I feel the same, but can’t make my voice work because of the lump—the fear of inevitable separation—lodged in my throat.

“Alexia.” He pulls me back into his arms and begins to sway. “Tonight is about us. Worrying about tomorrow will only rob us of today. So tell me you love me—and dance with me. Please.”

Such a simple request.

I want to give him this night. Tipping my face up to nuzzle his amazing-smelling neck, I murmur my love over and over, punctuating my feelings with soft kisses against his warm skin.

My first—maybe only—dance…

Such a typical thing for most kids, dancing serves as a reminder, my time being normal has an expiration date. It reads summer.

As I sway in my Gabriel’s arms, a memory long forgotten floats to the center of my consciousness. Derry and I—not yet teenagers—standing on the cracked cement playground of The Children’s Home, awkwardly holding one another and moving to a radio in the distance.
Dancing lessons.
Derry’s idea, not mine.

Just once. He wanted to learn and kept at me until I gave in. Although the swaying of our twelve-year-old innocence had none of the electric intensity of tonight, it was still my first. Derry was my—

“I love you.” Gabriel returns me to the present and the purpose of this night.

Pushing thoughts of Derry away, I commit myself to being here—with the boy I love—in whatever time we’ve got left. Besides, dancing practice with my best friend doesn’t count. And if I asked Derry—although I won’t because he’d probably laugh at me—I’m sure he probably wouldn’t even remember.

So for the rest of the night, I dance.

*

When Jonah drops Gabriel and me off at the Fosters’ later, the house is dark expect for the burning porch light. Reluctant to let go of the magical evening, and since no one seems to be waiting up, I suggest we sit and look at the stars. Stargazing turns swiftly into kissing, and for the next hour the only stars we see are in one another’s eyes.

There’s a finality to our contact, as if we’ll be ripped apart at any second, but neither of us speaks it aloud. Instead, we taste and touch and feel until our only choices are to end the night or do more than kiss. Clinging to Gabriel’s chest, I hear the pounding of his heart and feel the vibrations trembling through his body. His breath that comes in short, ragged bursts against my hair. If he wanted to… asked me for more… in this moment I would deny him nothing. All he has to do is ask and I’d give him everything. I’m his.

Instead, he pulls an uneven breath into his lungs and exhales unsteadily. “You should probably go inside now, Alexia.”

“Okay.” Although I agree, I don’t move, not an inch. Do I want him to change his mind about sending me away? Am I ready for what comes next? What’s he thinking right now?

As if in answer to my question, Gabriel stands, lifting me with him. Walking me to the Fosters’ red door, he covers my face in kisses so tender my heart wants to break. “Tonight has been perfection,” he whispers, before turning the knob. “There will be time for everything else.” He gently nudges me inside. Through the thick glass I watch his abstract form retreat, relieved yet disappointed he has strength enough for both of us to stop.

There will be time…

Is that a clue? Does that mean Gabriel knows more about how long he’ll be with me than he can say? We still have time.

The adrenaline coursing through my body, mixing with my conflicting emotions, makes sleep impossible, so I step into the darkened living room. Deep in thought, I jump when I realize I’m not alone. Derry’s sitting on the couch staring into space. Although his face is covered in shadow, I can sense his frown. Giving my eyes time to adjust, I stand in the dark. My best friend stays disconcertingly silent until I’m forced to ask, “Waiting up for me?”

“Are you going to yell at me if I say yes?” He’s wearing a plain green t-shirt with
Return of the Jedi
flannel bottoms and Yoda slippers. Despite the clothes, he looks less childlike and more grown than I’ve ever seen him.

“Not tonight.” Stepping out of my shoes, I self-consciously smooth my dress down over my hips and stomach. “But I’d like to know why.”

“Why what?” His voice is low, lacking its usual animation and his jaw tightens with repressed emotion. His halo sparks then wanes as we dance around truths.

“Why check up on me at the dance? Why wait here in the dark?”

Shrugging, he proclaims, “Couldn’t go to bed until you were home safe.”

“Well, I am.” For I moment I wait for the stranger on the couch to snap out of his contrary mood and turn back into my best friend. But Derry doesn’t move or even acknowledge he’s heard me. He remains a statue. Something about the atmosphere around him, the flatness of his saffron halo, threatens to consume the tiny sliver of happiness that is my lifeline. Desperate to escape from the fatalistic turn of the evening, I make my exit. “Okay then, goodnight.”

“Lexi?” His wooden voice causes a chill to shiver its way up my spine. I pause, but don’t turn around to face him. “Did you have a good time?”

“Yes.” Even as I answer him honestly, I feel bereft— like I’ve let him down.

“Oh.”

In the right universe, I’d sit beside him, sharing the precious—often hilarious—details of my night, but in this weird galaxy far, far away I just want to escape. The last thing I hear before my successful retreat is his quiet voice pleading, “Just be careful.”

CHAPTER 17

“I’ve got a doctor’s appointment after lunch today.” Although she’s sitting in her usual spot, Becke’s about as far away from Jonah as physically possible. She catches my gaze. “Just a routine follow-up because of the mono.”

“It’s good to go and get things checked out, just to be sure.” My smile is tight. Considering the conversation at the dance, for Becke to be seeing a doctor, she must be getting worse. I watch as she gathers up her things and dodges Jonah’s kiss so it skims her cheek instead of landing on her lips. She doesn’t look back as she hurries out of the cafeteria.

Once she’s gone, Jonah sighs. “I’ve been asking her to go see a doctor for the past week. She’s not herself.” His halo thickens like fog, dissipating with his next exhale. “I’ve been so worried.”

“I’m sure everything will be just fine. You’ll see.” Although I find the appropriate words to reassure him, I don’t miss the sharp frowns on Derry and Gabriel’s faces as they stare down at the scarred table.

The next morning, I intercept Becke in the hall and steer her into the girls’ bathroom. “Well?”

She’s worse than ever, kind of hazy and lethargic. “The doctor gave me some antidepressants. Some antipsychotics too. I don’t like taking them. They make me feel numb, and thirsty.” Her feeble halo flickers in agreement.

Seeing Becke so blunted isn’t at all what I had in mind when I suggested getting help. “Did they run any tests? Or recommend any therapy?”

“No. He said what I’ve got is a textbook case of depression that can be regulated with medicine.”

“Maybe you should get a second opinion.”

“Dr. Horowitz has a medical degree from Harvard. I’m sure he knows what he’s doing. Besides, I slept last night—at least I think I did—I kind of just drifted away into nothing.”

As she stares off into space, I can’t help but be disturbed by the vacancy in her expression. This girl isn’t my vivacious, dolphin-loving friend. What stands before me is a shell. Slowly her face turns to mine and a single spark of life flickers then diminishes in her dull eyes. “What were we talking about again?”

“Options other than the medication you’re on.”

Her halo continues to sputter like doused fire. “I like the drugs, Alex. The drugs make it all go away…”

On one of our first dates, Gabriel told me zombies weren’t real. After watching Becke shuffle through her morning classes in a stupor, I know this to be a lie. Not only do zombies exist, but they are soulless creatures devoid of the best attributes of humanity. And my friend has become one of them.

Over lunch Becke rearranges her food but eats very little.  When the bell rings, she stands—leaving her food in a heap—and starts to leave without a word to any of us. By the time Jonah has cleared her trash, she’s already in the hallway. Sprinting, he calls, “Babe, wait up.”

Becke gives no indication of hearing until he catches up to her, sliding his hand automatically around her waist. She jerks away from him as if from an attacker. “Don’t you touch me!”

The shock on Jonah’s face is raw and painful to watch. “Babe? Are you okay?”

“Don’t—You—Touch—Me!”

“Okay.” Jonah raises his hands, slowly, like he’s trying to placate a terrified animal. “Let’s go to class.”

“You’d like that wouldn’t you? You told him to do those things to me, didn’t you? You make me sick!”

“What’re you talking about?”

“I hate you!”

As every set of eyes in the cafeteria watches the drama unfold with various degrees of shock and perverse pleasure, I step between them. It’s heart wrenching to look at Jonah, his face crumpled with devastation and shock. “Why don’t you let me take her to the nurse?” I suggest gently.

“But—”

Flanking Jonah’s sides, Gabriel and Derry lead the shell-shocked boy away. After he’s gone, I wait for the rest of the students to clear out before confronting Becke. She wraps her frail arms protectively around her waif-like midsection and squeezes her eyes shut as if trying to vanish from the school by sheer will.

Gently I ask, “Can you walk to the nurse’s office?” Becke’s reply is a low unintelligible mumble. “What?”

She’s so quiet I must strain to listen. “He raped me.”

“Who?”

“Jonah.” Her eyes snap open piercing me with the full horror of her accusation. “Jonah raped me!” With a final sputter her halo vanishes. In my heart, in my soul, I know she’s mistaken but the conviction on her face is so certain.

“Are you sure?” I know Jonah and I have the benefit of seeing his halo. If he’d done what Becke was accusing him of his halo would show me. This I’m certain of, because my curse—my gift—doesn’t lie. “Because Jonah would never hurt you. He loves you.”

Betrayal steals across her face as she directs her fury toward me. “You’re on his side! You helped him, didn’t you? You want him to hurt me again!” Stifling a sob with the back of her hand, she turns and begins to run down the hall. Chasing after, I follow her down the stairs. Once we reach the ground floor, I grab Becke’s arm to restrain her. It’s clear she needs more help, not antidepressants or other drugs, but real professional help.