The Hand That Holds Mine (5 page)

“And I suppose you had someone hold your hand when you got sick again?” She asks with a crooked smile, until she notices my still full prescriptions next to me. “Adeline! Why are these still full?” Tell me you’re still taking your medications.”

“I haven’t needed to, I feel fine without them.”

“Your imagination is sure running wild these days. It is entertaining and I’m happy to see you so happy but please don’t confuse it with reality. You need to concentrate on your health, take your medicine and rest.” She eases me back down in bed, and sets out a single dosage of medication. “Take these after you eat a little something, please.”

“I wish you would listen to me, Joshua is real and when he holds my hand all the pain goes away.” I say feeling good about my stance on the matter.

“Okay if you say so, or maybe it’s just you holding your own hand.”

 
“How can I hold my own hand? That’s ridiculous.” Deb motions grabbing both of her own hands to prove her point. “Still, that would be a little awkward to sleep like that don’t you think? Too awkward not to notice that it was my own hand.”

“Well I was meaning more figuratively, not literally. I think you’re using your mental strength to help you get through. I think that’s wonderful that you can do that to get you through your pain. But it’s not going to help you stay healthy, you have to take these to do that.” She insists, tearing up with frustration. I nod hoping to not upset her anymore than she already is.

His hand takes hold of mine and lifts me out of my broken dreams. “And where shall we go to today?”

“
Paris
.” I say wrapping my arms around his neck, closing my eyes and not opening them until I feel the
Paris
lights shining upon me. We barely eat as we roam the vintage streets holding hands. I catch myself looking at him more than the beauty that surrounds me. His confident walk, the way he leads me respectfully through a crowd, or the way he laughs and nudges me shyly when I catch him break into a full smile. He makes it difficult to take my eyes off him, that is, until he catches me and looks me over with a wink, and then I have to hide my own full smile. “So Joshua, what do you like? Is there anything special you like to do?”

He stops me in the middle of the street, “I love to dance. How about you?” He asks, smiling when I nod. Joshua spins me into his arms and whisks me into a place, where my clothes change to a sleek red dress with a slit that causes me to blush. Joshua looks down on me wearing a fedora, tipped just above his eyes. “Ready?” He asks, spinning me out and back, leading me into our seductive tango. Joshua, looks deep into my eyes with every motion, touching my bare back and guiding my body into moves I never thought I could possibly do. His handsome face beams every time I smile and even more so when I laugh. At the end of the night, I rest my head on his shoulder as he holds me tight.

“Joshua, do we have to go back?” I ask gripping his jacket and not wanting to let go of him.

He lifts my face up, pulling it close to his. Gazing over my face he leans in and brushes his soft lips against mine, “I wish we didn’t.”

~
Adeline ~

 
I wake up coughing up blood and my head spinning. Deb rushes to my side and Jeneba looks on as Pamela looks me over. “She isn’t taking her meds.” Deb says to her.

“She is doing what she needs to do.” Pamela says defending me without me saying a word.

“She is killing herself. She is in pain and she needs morphine not …”

“Her fantasies?” Pamela asks her.

I lie back and Pamela leaves me to rest but Deb, grips my hand, “Adeline, I beg you to stop this and take your medication. It doesn’t look like you have taken any of it in days. You’re getting weaker and you are obviously not thinking straight.”

“I’m fine,” I say gritting my teeth. “I am getting better and …” I gulp cringing at the pain shooting through me. “I have never been able to think clearer.” Groaning and fisting my sheets, I lean up to her, “Leave me alone if you can’t support me.”

“Well I am certainly not going to stay here and watch you kill yourself.” She says grabbing her things and leaving.

Joshua’s hand is a welcoming end to my day. I have barely been able to contain the pain until he touches me again. He doesn’t even allow me to step to my feet, wrapping my arms around his neck, he lifts me up and carries me out of my house. He takes me to the most beautiful waterfall, where we strip down into our underwear and leap into the heated water below the falls. Josh’s masculine body glistens in the moonlight, highlighting his every muscle all the way down to his luscious hipbones sitting just above his underwear. This is more than I have ever seen of him and I can barely think straight. His tender touch brings me into his arms and I joyfully float against his chest.

“I love how you feel to me.” He says pressing his lips to my cheek. My rapidly beating heart skips a beat as his lips near my own. “I want to kiss you …” His whispering desire, fills me with fire and I take in his sweet lips to mine. Caressing every move of his lips, I move my hands over his body acquainting myself with every part of him - his arms, his chest, the power in his touch and the love within his kiss. He feels over my body squeezing and rubbing me closer to him causing us both to moan out into the night air.

Breathless I lean back to look him over, “I don’t think this is supposed to happen. You are supposed to be with someone else.”

“But how can I be with someone else when all I want is you?” Kissing me again he runs his fingers through my hair and holds me close, “I feel everything that you do Adeline, I live only because of you. You are so beautiful to me. I know I am supposed to be searching for the one for me, the love of my life. But how can I bring myself to search for someone that I feel I have already found?” He smiles wiping the tear from my face. “I can’t stop wanting you, Adeline. I have tried but then you cry out for me and I have to go to you. Hold you and wish all your pain away. Maybe we aren’t right for each other but …” With no words spoken we easily communicate our desires.

“Can we simply … enjoy now?” He nods and lifts me high above the water and eases me right back into his secure arms, spinning us both into circles of smiles and laughter. If I had any question about his true existence, it all disappears the moment I feel the love in his kiss, his whispering adoration against my ear and his affectionate touch through my hair. No love like this can be imagined, could make me feel so free, or feel as if I have found the place where I belong. I could die in his arms right here and now, I could be eternally happy right here in the warmth of his embrace. The bright moon begins to blur and my eyes fade into the back of my head releasing the depths of my soul to him and giving him the last of what he was searching for and the freedom to release his own to me. “I don’t want you to leave me this time, Joshua.”

“I want you … too.” He nudges my lips with his. “This feels right, you feel so right to me.” He sits back taking my face into his hand … marry me, Adeline. I want to make love to you whenever we want. I want to hold you from the moment we fall asleep until the sun rises and beyond. I want you to have our children and grow old with me. You are my forever, and I yours. I know it to be true.” Staring into his loving eyes, I want nothing more than to say yes but I don’t know how. My silence hushes his request and he returns me home and places me in my bed, curling around my rapidly weakening body and holding tight to my hand. “I am not letting go of you Adeline, no matter how much you want to deny us being true.”

The next day is adventurous, Joshua and I explore by horseback. Riding along scenic trails and stopping for lunch under a shade tree. He lays his head in my lap and I play with his hair, tracing his face and his arms with my fingers, kissing each other when the desire becomes too much for us.

“What is that on your shoulder,” Joshua asks sitting up and looking concerned. “Is that a spider?”

“What?” I jump up and scream, swiping my entire body clear of any possible insects. Josh begins to laugh and I realize, “That wasn’t funny.”

“Oh I think it was, you should have seen your face.” He jumps around mocking me and laughing until I come after him with a playful vengeance. “Oh no, she’s angry now.” He laughs hiding behind a tree as I try to get to him. “What’s wrong baby, did you not get enough sleep again?” He smiles faking a dash in another direction when I jump at him. He runs up behind me and wraps his arms around me.

“That wasn’t funny.” I say laughing with him.

“No? Will you forgive me?”

“No, because you don’t seem at all sorry about any of it.” I say huffing and crossing my arms.

“Hmm, I don’t like that,” He turns me around and gets down on his knees with his hands folded out in front of him. “Oh Adeline, won’t you please forgive me, I am nothing but a poor slob simply trying to find his way into your heart.”

“That was a bit sarcastic don’t you think?” He raises his eyebrows and smiles so sweetly that I can’t help but smile myself. “You are a mess, I don’t know what to do with you.” Standing up he takes me in his arms and whispers against my ear what he would like me to do. It’s sexy but his kiss … well his kiss, helps him earn my forgiveness.

After a long day together we end our day in my bed. Lying down next to me, he looks over my body with a wanting desire, setting free a hundred butterflies within me. “Last night, at the waterfall.” He says trailing his finger up and down my stomach. “That was really incredible.” I nod. “So do you need help getting ready for bed?”

 
“If you are going to stay with me for the night, then sure, I could use some help.” I nod, smiling wide.

“So what do you like to wear to bed? Because I myself, don’t like to wear anything at all.” He slips his shirt off over his head and strips his pants off in one motion. His proud erection is hard to ignore so I don’t bother to try. His groans are pleasing but no more so than the feeling of his hands caressing the release of each piece of clothing that he removes from my body. He shouldn’t feel so good, his lips shouldn’t taste so incredible but they do. His lips trail down my body with curiosity and pleasure. The lower he goes the more my body craves from him. I fist his hair and scream out in pleasure, but he is not detoured, he continues and weakens me before pushing deep inside of me. His strength amazes but somehow ignites a fire deep inside me, and I have to take control of him. I have to feel him, I have to memorize every touch, every sliding pleasure that I take on top of him. His erection grows, my body tenses and takes hold of it, begging for more and more until the wondrous pleasure wraps over my toes and rushes to my core releasing a blissful indulgence. Joshua takes my limp body in his arms, “I love you, Adeline.” He says gripping my body and moving it to the rhythm that meets his desire, his final indulgence. “I love you,” He says looking into my eyes with love.

“I love you.” I say shockingly. “I do, I love you Joshua.” His smile is so joyous it brightens my heart.

~
Adeline ~

 
Deb comes into my room staring at me with obvious anger. “Adeline, how … why?” Deb asks confusing me. “How could you possibly know that I was trying to gain legal guardianship over you? And to fight me on it! I’m doing everything possible for you. I think it’s time to put you in a facility where they can take care of you properly. Please Adeline. I can’t watch you continue like this, you are not dealing with reality anymore.”

“I … am fine.” I say unable to lift my head to look her in the eyes.

Deb shakes her head crying. “I don’t understand why this is happening, please explain to me why you’re doing this?”

“I’m in love …” Her eyes widen. “I’m in love and I don’t want to let go of it. If I take the medicine … if I don’t need him then what if he disappears, what if I will never see him again?”

“Adeline! There is no man, no one has been here for you to fall in love with.” She pleads.

Pain penetrates deep and I gasp out loud screaming until I feel his hand take hold of mine. Josh looks me over and I feel instantly better, “You’re here.”

“Of course, you need me.” He says enjoying my smile.

I look back at Deb and her wide eyes staring at us. “You can see him?”

“Yea I can see him but who is he?” She asks annoyed by his sudden presence.

“He is my trainee, “Pamela says running in and eyeing us both with disapproval. “Sorry, I told him to not pry on others conversations. Come Charles, we have
other
work to do.” She says trying to drag Joshua away from me but he refuses to let go of my hand.

“She needs me.” Joshua says, ignoring Pamela

“She
needs
rest, and you need to be where you’re supposed to be.” Pamela insists dragging him away.

I sit up in bed and watch him leave, and turn back to Deb with my brokenhearted expression. “Is he doing things to you?” She asks with worry in her voice.

“What? No! He would never hurt me.”