The Harder I Fall (4 page)

I couldn’t speak; he had stolen my breath, and made me feel things I didn’t want to feel.

“I’m going to go now,” he said. “I don’t want to freak you out too much in one night.”

I nodded and walked him to the door. “I guess I’ll see you around.”

“Yes, you will.”

T
HE WEEKS SLIPPED BY, AND
before we knew it, Halloween was quickly approaching. I was as busy as I could be, working three days a week at the coffee shop, dancing any spare moment I could get, and balancing my full class load.

True to his word, Levi was around all the time. Besides the classes we had together, he would show up at my work and study, while drinking copious amounts of coffee, and on most mornings, he would be waiting for me outside of the dance studio.

I was in the studio extra early this morning; the first half of the routine I had been working on was almost perfected. I glided along the floor, twirling and leaping. It was the only time I really felt like myself. It was toward the end of my rehearsal and my feet were aching, but I pushed myself to finish hard. I noticed Levi standing in the back during the final bit of my dance. His eyes were wide as he watched me.

I finished and turned the music off. “How long have you been standing there?”

“A while. You are magnificent.”

I tried not to smile; I didn't need him to compliment me. His affection towards me muddied the waters. I needed to have focus, not distractions. “Thanks, but I don't really like people watching me dance.”

“Why? You have to know that you are amazing, right?”

“The piece isn't finished. I hate to make mistakes with an audience present.”

“Becca, you can't be perfect all of the time. It’s okay to be human, and it’s okay to have fun outside of ballet.”

I pushed past that comment. “Look, I need to go get ready for class. I assume you plan on walking me back to the dorms.” It wasn’t a question; I knew that’s what he was here for.

“Yeah, grab your stuff. I got you a coffee, too; it’s on the table in front.”

This was dangerous, him doing sweet things for me. What was I going to do when this ended and I was used to him being around?

“Come on then.” I grabbed my things and stuffed them into my duffel bag. Levi handed me the coffee, and we walked back to the dorm.

“How long have you been dancing?” he asked.

“A long time, since I was seven.”

Levi grinned at me.

“What?”

“I’m imagining you as a little girl in a tutu. You must have been cute. All those ballet recitals where you probably played a flower or a swan. Your parents must have been so proud of you.”

“Can we change the subject?” I didn't want to get into the parent situation with him.

“Did I say something wrong?”

“Don’t worry about it,” I mumbled. Thankfully we were back to my dorm room and I could scoot inside before he questioned me further.

Sadie was inside; she had been avoiding Levi like the plague for weeks since the incident at the party. She scowled at me when I walked in.

“Was that Levi with you?” she asked.

That did it. I blew up at her. “Where do you get off? He showed he was interested in me from the very beginning, but you didn't seem to care at all. From the first night we met, you tried to edge me out. I’m not interested in him for now, but you do not get to be pissed at me because he likes me and not you. I should be fully pissed at you for even trying to go for him before you asked if I was interested. Isn’t that what friends are supposed to do? So drop the poor me attitude and get the f over it.” I stomped off to our room before she could reply. I was too pissed to even hear what she had to say.

I hastily grabbed some clothes from my dresser and hopped into the shower, hoping it would help to calm me down. This did not bode well if I was already this irritated and it wasn't even 8:00 am.

Sadie was in our room when I grabbed my backpack. I didn’t look at her or try and talk. This would be the first day we hadn’t eaten breakfast together before class. I buttoned up my coat and walked out into the crisp fall air.

“Becca! Oh, I’m glad I caught you.” I turned and saw Renatta Nettles, the ballet instructor running toward me. “Would you be willing to join our Christmas production of
The Nutcracker
? I would love for you to be our Clara. I’m sure you know the part?” She smiled warmly.

I did; I had played Clara many times in my ballet career. I just didn’t know if I had the extra time to devote to it. “I don't know. I’m not sure.”

“Please say you’ll do it; we need you,” she pleaded with me.

My mind raced on how I would pay for the costume and new pointe shoes.

“We will pay for everything,” she said, almost reading my mind. “There’s money in the budget for it. Just say you will do it.”

“Okay, I’ll do it.” I kicked myself, knowing that I had just signed on for one thing too many.

“Wonderful. Thank you, Becca. This part was made for you. Rehearsals are Mondays and Wednesdays; can you make that work with your schedule? First rehearsal is tonight. Come if you can make it.”

I nodded. “I’ll make it work.”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you. You are saving us big time.” She hugged me tightly and rushed off.

I liked Renatta. She was sort of a mixture of free spirit and super organized. An odd combination, but it really worked for her. I was now going to have to go and speak with my boss and switch at least one of my work days until the show closed.

I got through my first couple of classes and walked along toward my next class. Levi was waiting for me inside; he had a seat saved for me.

“Hey, how has your day been?” he asked.

“Not bad. I’m going to be the lead in the school’s production of
The Nutcracker
,” I blurted out.

He smiled broadly. “Oh yeah? That’s awesome; I’ll have to come to one of the performances.”

“Yeah, it’s going to mean a lot of extra work for me, but it could be great.” I found myself getting excited about it. Being on stage again would feel amazing.

“What are you guys doing for Halloween?”

“I don’t know. I honestly hadn't even thought about it. I’m sure Sadie and Mel will drag me somewhere, dressed as a slutty version of something.”

Something in his expression changed and he licked his lips. “I’d like to see that.”

I coughed. “What are you guys doing?”

“There’s a big party at one of the frat houses; we’re probably going to go to that one.”

I nodded, not sure what else to say. The professor came in a moment later and launched right into his lecture. I did my best to pay attention and take notes.

Later that night, I was bone tired from an extra shift at work and my first rehearsal with the ballet class. Sadie and I still hadn’t talked since this morning. She was doing her best to avoid me. I didn’t care; I was too exhausted to think much about it. I decided to just go to bed early. Even though it was only 8:30, I could barely keep my eyes open. I laid myself down on my bed and drifted off to sleep.

So much blood. Can't stop it, can’t stop the bleeding. Frannie, stay with me, don’t go. Mom’s lying in the corner, passed out from drinking too much again. I need help, why won’t someone help us? Daddy is sitting on the floor next to us, the belt in his hands, covered in blood. It’s Frannie’s blood. He looks at me and smiles; I know that smile. It means that I’m next.

Someone was shaking me. I opened my eyes and sat up quickly. “What? Is everything okay?”

“Becca, you were screaming.” Sadie looked terrified. Mel and Layla stood in the doorway, looking equally worried.

Oh no. My heart sank; the dreams had started again. I’d been doing so well. It must have been all the changes and stress.

“I was?” I feigned ignorance.

“Yeah, are you okay?”

“I’m fine. I don’t even remember what I was dreaming about.” The lie slipped off my tongue easily. I would have to remember to take my sleeping pills at night; they seemed to keep the dreams at bay.

“Are you sure?” Sadie sat down on my bed. Layla and Mel looked uncertain of what to do.

“Yeah, look, you all don't have to stay in here; go on back to bed.” I put on a smile, but even to me, it felt false. Layla and Mel left, but Sadie stayed where she was.

“I owe you an apology,” she said. “I know I’ve been a bitch, and I did know he liked you. I shouldn’t have thrown myself at him like that.”

“It’s fine.”

“It’s not, but I can promise I won't do anything like that again.” She smiled and squeezed my hand. “You can tell me the truth, you know. What was that screaming in your sleep all about?”

I shook my head. “I’m not ready yet. There are some things that are just too painful to say out loud.”

She looked like she wanted to press me further, but she didn’t. “Okay, well, you know where I am if you ever want to talk.”

“Thanks, Sadie; that means a lot. I’ve never had a real friend before, so I may not always be the best at it, but I really do care about you.”

“Don’t worry. You’re doing fine.” Sadie hugged me, and I let her; I didn’t pull away like I normally would.

H
ALLOWEEN WAS A HUGE EVENT
on campus. Everyone was really excited about it. Mel and Sadie had gotten all of us our costumes. We were going as slutty Ninja Turtles; I was to be slutty Donatello.

We were going to a sort of moving party/adult trick or treating event. I guess what would happen is we would go to each stop of the party and trick or treat. Only it wouldn't be candy we would get.

“Are you excited? I’m so excited!” Sadie squealed as we got dressed in our costumes. They were green mini dresses with yellow detail on the chests and we all had our corresponding colored masks.

Sadie pulled my hair into a high top knot and put a big purple bow on it; we all had bows to match our masks.

“I guess so. I mean, I’ve never been to anything like this before.”

“Me, neither, but everyone says it’s the best party of the year.”

She had wanted us to all wear high heels, but Layla and I had put our foot down and said we should all wear matching Converse low tops.

“Come on; let’s go and see if the other girls are ready.” She pulled me up off the bed and dragged me out of the room.

“You ladies ready?” Sadie called.

“Coming,” Mel replied.

I had to admit that we all looked super cute in our costumes, and I loved that we did a group costume. In a matter of minutes, we had grabbed our plastic pumpkins and were out into the twilight. The first stop was at a dorm across the walkway from us. Loud music and laughter could be heard from behind the doors.

“Trick or treat!” We shouted in unison at the first door with a pumpkin on it.

“Well, what do we have here? Looks like slutty Ninja Turtles. I approve.” A guy dressed like Edward from
Twilight
, complete with body glitter, answered the door. “Come on in and get your treats from the cooler.”

There were tons of people milling around; the best costume I had seen so far in the evening was a group dressed as boxcars on a train. They said they were The Boxcar Children. I thought it was clever.

Our goodies at this stop were Jell-O shots. They had them in every color and flavor one could imagine and in little single servings with lids. Sadie and Mel grabbed a bunch and tossed them into their pumpkins.

“Come on, girls, the night is young and we have a lot more stops to make.” Sadie herded us in the direction of the door. An hour later, we made our way out of the dorm and back outside. Sadie had filled my pumpkin with all sorts of things: tiny bottles of booze, something called “rummy bears,” and some candy. We walked on and up to one of the frat houses that was participating. The music was a loud roar that could be heard from across the campus.

“Ladies.” Julian walked up beside us.

“Hey, Julian.” Sadie smiled brightly. I guess she was over her obsession with Levi.

I looked over at Julian; he was dressed as Draco Malfoy from
Harry Potter
. Levi fell into step beside me; he was dressed as Harry Potter, with glasses, scar, the whole shebang.

“Love the costume.” He grinned at me.

“Yeah, what there is of it,” I scoffed.

“It’s really working for you. Besides, I always liked Donatello the best.”

Sadie was chatting away with Julian about what they had gotten trick or treating. Levi slung his arm around my shoulders as we walked and I found myself liking the closeness so I didn’t ask him to move it.

We all walked up the steps and into the house. Everyone split off; Julian, and Sadie wandered off together, and Layla found the nearest couch and parked herself on it. Mel went off in search of hot boys to flirt with.

“Want to go out back?” Levi gestured towards the glass door.

“Sure.” I was suddenly nervous. Something told me that our relationship was going to change tonight, and I wasn’t sure I was ready for it.

We sat on some lawn chairs out in the backyard; most of the people were inside, so it was relatively quiet. “I want to say something, but I don’t want you to say anything back for a while.”