The Haters (30 page)

Ash and I were leaning against each other and her arm was around my waist and her hair was tickling my neck and I didn't need it to be anything more than that.

ASH,
eventually
: so. you want to get back on the road

I didn't know what that meant. Like if it meant, let's keep being on tour, or just, let's get out of this forest where there's deer and Lyme disease and stuff.

WES: what about our guitars

ASH: we'll figure it out tomorrow

WES: okay

ASH: we'll find somewhere to stay tonight, and come back tomorrow for our stuff, and then we'll figure it out

WES: okay

ASH: i emailed onnie today. he's expecting us. so maybe we can just go straight to new orleans tomorrow. we'll figure out how

WES: okay yeah

So we made our way out of the forest and to the two-lane highway, and started walking in the direction that Corey had gone.

We walked single-file at the extreme edge of the shoulder, which was pretty narrow, and cars passed us and some of them slowed down, but we didn't want a ride with any of them. We just walked and talked and Ash told me more about what it was like to have a dad who didn't really care about you, or care about anyone, and I'd tell you about it but you don't need to know it and I don't want you to.

And she told me if it turned out that I got that girl pregnant, then I better be ready to move down to Mississippi and become a full-time dad. And there was undoubtedly a non-zero chance I did get that girl pregnant, because we had definitely botched our whole condom procedure.

WES: shit

ASH: you'd be a good dad though

WES: i don't want to think about it

ASH: you'd be a great dad because all you do is sacrifice yourself for other people and for some reason it doesn't make you miserable

WES: that's not
all
i do

ASH: well most guys don't
ever
want to do it, so you're a great guy

WES: i dunno. i was shitty to shaeanne today

ASH: she committed many sex crimes against you last night, so it's fine

WES: i guess, yeah

My head was throbbing kind of violently and I was pretty sure
my hand was bleeding again under the wrapping. But for some reason I was amped about it.

ASH: hey

WES: what

ASH: i never ever ever want to have a kid, i mean
never
, but if i ever changed my mind, i would want you to be its dad

WES:

ASH: i don't ever want to get married. that's never gonna change. but if my hormones get all fucked up and i decide i need to have a kid, you're the only guy i know who would make an even half-decent dad, so i'd probably ask you to be the dad of that kid

WES: well

ASH:

WES:

[
ash reaches out and takes wes's hand
]

ASH: hey. i'm not fucking with you here

WES: no. i know

ASH: no but i've been thinking about how it probably seems to you and it probably seems like i've been fucking with you, but wes, i know you like me

WES:

ASH: i mean i know you want us to have a thing and i've kind of wanted that too

WES:

ASH: i mean i was mad when you were hooking up with shaeanne, and then afterward, the next morning when i was giving you shit, i mean i was jealous

[
ash squeezes wes's hand and then lets go
]

ASH: but we're not gonna have a thing. not now. it's not the right time. what it's time for is, it's time for us to have a band together. that's what i need and that's what we need. but i just want you to know, i know you like me. and i like you too. i like you in all kinds of ways.

WES:

ASH,
a little huskily
: i just don't want you to think i've been fucking with you.

WES: i'll be your kid's dad

ASH: you will?

WES: i will. i'm in

ASH: you have to do all of its diapers though

WES: eighty percent

ASH: one hundred percent because it's still a way better deal than being pregnant

A car flashed its beams at us. We ignored it. It veered onto the shoulder. We yelled and jumped out of the way. It groaned to a stop.

Then we recognized it.

COREY: GET IN GET IN

WES: OH HELL YES

ASH: FUCK YEAH

COREY: SHUT UP AND GET IN THE CAR

We got in the car and hugged the shit out of him like he was
our long-lost brother presumed dead in the war or something.

Corey had gotten about fifteen minutes away from the Crossroad before turning back. The reason he turned back was me.

He just figured I couldn't really have wanted to stay behind. I was just being an idiot in the moment. Also, he knew his parents were probably going to end his life when they finally got him back. But they were
definitely
going to end his life if they found out that he had abandoned me with insane people in the middle of Mississippi.

By the time he returned to the Crossroad, the police had blocked it off and shut it down. But somehow he sweet-talked his way into

1) befriending a cop

2) figuring out what had happened

3)
getting into the Crossroad
and looking for us in there

4) walking out of the Crossroad with both our guitars and Ash's pedals and everything

WES: holy fucking shit

ASH: corey how the fuck did you do all of that

COREY: the usual dickload of lying

WES: wow

ASH: what did you say

COREY: i said i was deebo harrison's drummer and he sent me back to make sure he didn't forget anything and he was probably gonna fire me if i didn't get in there, so please, officer, my job's on the line

WES: oh wow

ASH: that's fucking awesome

WES: you probably could have just told the truth but i am still so proud of you right now

COREY: i gave myself a fake name

WES: no you didn't

COREY: “bone wilson”

ASH: NO

COREY: i swear to god i was like, excuse me, officer, i'm bone wilson, deebo's drummer, and he was like, well hello there, bone, what can i do for you

Like I said, the vibe was incredible.

Then it kind of changed in a hurry.

COREY: so ash where can we drop you off

ASH:

WES: no no no ash is still touring with us. we're gonna go play a show tomorrow

COREY:

WES:

COREY: nnnnnnope

WES: come on, man. we can still play a great show

COREY: i'm not playing with her. sorry

ASH: corey,
i'm
sorry

COREY: oh yeah?

ASH: yes. i'm really sorry. i panicked, and i did the wrong
thing, and i hurt you guys and sold myself out, and i have to live with that, and it feels shitty

COREY:

ASH: so i'm sorry

COREY: apology accepted, but i'm not gonna play with you anymore

WES: corey, come on, man

COREY: it's not happening

WES: she said she was sorry

COREY: i heard. great. still not happening. i'm not playing with her

ASH: corey, what do you need me to say

COREY: ash, there isn't anything you can say, because bottom line you don't think i'm good enough to play with you. there's no way around it. and i don't feel like trying to change your mind anymore. so i'm dropping you off and wes and i are driving home

ASH: in what car.

The way she said this roughly doubled the Vibe Terribleness Quotient.

COREY: clearly, this car

ASH: you mean
my
car?

WES: guys

COREY: i mean the band car, the car of the band, a band which you are no longer in because you left the band tonight

ASH: uh
you
left the fucking band, including your best friend
who had to stay behind and deal with a guy with a fucking gun

WES: guys can we jus

COREY: sure, yeah, because
you
became best friends with a super-herb who goes around herbaceously making enemies with dudes who have guns

ASH: oh that's a great fucking point, i wonder if i did that because my drummer sabotaged my last show by pretending to be a fucking ape

COREY: well maybe
that's
bec

WES: I WILL HEADBUTT BOTH OF YOU IN THE FACE IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP

At that point mostly I just felt incredulous that I was still dealing with this shit.

WES: here's the deal. tonight i headbutted a guy in the face. yesterday i got out on a roof and had to deal with corey going insane from drugs. i've also talked down a guy with a shotgun and cut open my hand on diseased highway glass. we've all made some sacrifices on this trip. but i probably have a concussion and the wound on my hand is definitely infected. so i'm gonna need you guys to
drop it

COREY AND ASH:

WES: corey, we're not driving back to pittsburgh. we're driving to new orleans. if you still don't want to play with ash once we get there, that's fine. but you have to drive us there. or shut up while someone else drives. and ash, you have to be cool with whatever
corey decides once we do get there. and that's what's gonna happen

COREY AND ASH:

WES: that's what's gonna happen or i'm gonna headbutt you both in the face. i don't give a fuck anymore. i've been through too much shit. all right?

COREY:

ASH:

COREY: oh SHIT

ASH: FUCK

WES: NO. NO NO NO

COREY: FUUUUUUUUUUUUU

There was a deer in the headlights.

I had always thought that deer-in-the-headlights thing was a myth. But this deer was in our headlights, and he was definitely just standing there staring at us, and it seemed like it did not even occur to him that he could get out of the way.

We were all screaming at him. He did not hear us or care. For some reason Corey was not braking. We got close enough that we could see the deer's entire facial expression. It was the panicky bug-eyed expression of someone who is watching a movie that he doesn't even a little bit understand. It was basically the face of my mom after she made me explain Snapchat to her. Actually, it was an expression I recognized from Dad Junior.

We did not end up hitting the deer. Not because he moved. We missed the deer because Corey steered us off the road.

We rattled into the shoulder. The car juddered and heaved and bounced up and down. The right wheels dipped into a ditch. There was a horrible RRRRRRRTTTCCCHH scraping noise on the underside of the car. Everyone was screaming. Corey pulled us out of the ditch and BOCK something smacked the side of the car right next to me. It was a fencepost hitting the right side mirror and KKSSHH I heard it explode and shatter into a million pieces. Everyone continued to scream. We lurched away from the fence. We lurched right back toward it and BEERRKK a different fencepost punched a huge gash into the side panels including the door that I was gripping and I felt it groaning like a living thing.

We lurched all the way back onto the road. It took a few minutes to realize we were driving again. The car was making a few more noises than before. But it was still a functional car, and we kept driving it.

Ash was the first to start laughing and then Corey started in and pretty soon we were all laughing like maniacs, and after that things were fine.

34.
SOMEHOW WE NO LONGER EVEN WORRIED ABOUT GETTING PULLED OVER EVEN THOUGH WE HAD VISIBLY BEEN IN AN ACCIDENT AND HAD NO RIGHT SIDE MIRROR

Suddenly anyone could just say anything and it was not a problem.

ASH: you know i did think i was better on my instrument than you guys

COREY:
knew it

ASH: i didn't even realize that i was thinking it though. i just assumed it

WES: huh

ASH: honestly, i'm probably the worst one in this car

COREY: you definitely are at jazz

WES: you're worse in the sense of more limited

ASH: mmm

COREY: yeah wes and i can do a bunch of things pretty well and you can only do like four things

WES: four to six things

COREY: but you're fierce at those things, so don't worry about it

ASH: i'm not fierce at anything

COREY: look, you'd have to be, because otherwise we and our dicks would have fled from you many days ago

ASH: thanks dickhead

I mean, anyone could really say anything.

ASH: corey, can we talk oral sex technique a little

COREY: i'm never gonna improve without feedback so please give it to me straight

ASH: you gotta slow it down and i mean
way
down

COREY: ok

ASH: just really simplify what you're doing. in general try to make circles with your tongue

COREY: got it, got it

ASH: and no matter what happens, you need to be out of there after five minutes, good or bad

WES: huh that's interesting

ASH: there's nothing worse than knowing a guy is
trying
to get you to come, like he thinks your cooz is candy crush and he's trying to get three stars or some shit