The Heart Series: Complete Boxed Set (101 page)

“Elijah.”

“No, I’m giving you what you want, time to think. You know where I am if you want to talk.” I couldn’t stay there a moment longer. I felt like my insides had been ripped open. My lungs were barely holding any breath. I had to get out of there. I didn’t want him to see me going into free fall. If he wanted space then I would give it to him. Even if it broke my heart in the process. The fact was he was almost believing Luke’s lies.

Right now, I wanted to rip Luke’s throat out. I had rejected him, so he had sought out revenge in the most cruel and unforgivable way.

I sat staring out into space. My mind was a blur. I could barely process a thought. Ollie and B hadn’t been back in touch despite two days having passed, and I felt more alone than ever. I had held off from contacting them after they’d both asked for space. It was the one thing I could grant them even though with each hour passed I knew the chances and my hopes for a reconciliation were growing slimmer by the minute.

“Elijah, are you listening?” My eyes snapped up to meet with Miss Wells, my tutor. I didn’t know why I was even at school as my concentration level was at a zero, but my mother had almost thrown me out the door telling me moping around would not help me. She had a point, but I really did not love the tough love attitude she had recently discovered.

“Sorry, can you repeat that?” I asked, and she grimaced as I gulped. Oh god, please don’t have a go at me too. There was only so much a guy could take.

“Please make sure you write down the homework marked on the board. I’ll expect you to hand it in next Wednesday, no excuses,” she said sternly, giving me the evil eye. I scrawled it down quickly, barely legible, before running out of class before the old dragon gave me another lecture.

I headed straight for the canteen, but it was futile as my appetite was shot to pieces. I’d barely eaten a morsel since I left Ollie in the park. I guess the only good thing to come out of this would be to lose the extra weight I had put on over my birthday. Wow, it had barely been two days, yet it seemed like a lifetime ago.

I grabbed a sandwich to pick on and a can of Coke and paid, ready to leave and eat on my own until Lucy waved me over to sit at her table. I wasn’t much company, but I didn’t want to appear rude. I was leaking friends at the moment and couldn’t afford to lose any more.

“Hey Elijah, how’s things?” she asked in between bites of her salad. Lucy was a cute little blonde that had great dress sense. Today she was sporting more of a preppy look, even through my own sadness I still registered people’s wardrobe choices. Lucy for sure passed my test, but the others mainly looked like they had swiped whatever was lying on the floor. I had grown used to their very relaxed, laid back look but I made sure to keep my standards up even if those around me didn’t.

“Fine,” I lied, quickly unwrapping and taking a bite of my sandwich, so I wouldn’t have to elaborate further.

“Great party the other night. Thanks for the invite,” Lucy said, sipping on her Coke.

“Glad you had a good time.” I wasn’t up to much conversation, especially anything concerning my party.

“I had more than a good time with Kyle.” She grinned, and from the look on her face, she didn’t have to elaborate.

“Kyle? Didn’t think he was your type?” I’d have never have put those two together.

“Not really but when a guy is that well hung, well, a girl needs to try out that horse.” She sighed and smiled almost like she was visualising it again.

“Wow, good for you, I guess.” Kyle was the college slapper. He had dipped his dick literally everywhere, but if the rumours were true, he left a satisfied smile on all the ladies he’d left.

“Oh he was more than good. I might need to venture back there again.” She grinned, her face telling me all I needed to know.

“Do you think that’s wise?”

“Oh I know it’s not long term and just a bit of fun with an added orgasm so I’m not complaining.” She winked.

“Did you hook up at the party?”

“No, we left just before midnight. He took me back to his and I did the walk of shame the next morning, but it was totally worth it. So Ollie seemed nice?”

My heart dropped at the mention of his name. “He is.” I could barely get the words out, quickly recovering with a fake smile.

“Your cousin is hilarious though. She had me in hysterics the entire time. She knows how to let herself go.”

“Yeah, she’s not shy in that way,” I added.

God, I missed her.

I would complain all the time about her antics, but the fact of the matter was we were practically attached at the hip, and right now, I felt like I was missing a limb. I was completely lost without her, and I hated every moment we were apart. Was Luke filling her head with more lies? I was taking my mother’s advice and giving her space, but it was killing me. I just wanted to call her, to hear her voice. I just wanted to know that she was okay. I was the one she turned to in moments of need. I was her rock, but now I had been cast aside and I was struggling to come to terms with the fact. Right now I had no place in my cousin’s life and that thought alone made me want to cry.

“We’ll have to all hang out together soon?” Lucy asked, bringing me out of my thoughts.

“Yeah . . .” I bit out before quickly changing the subject. “Did you see who Olivia was with at my party?”

“Oh fuck yeah, what the hell is she playing at?” She snorted and I couldn’t help but agree.

“I guess she wants to piss Mark off but flirting and kissing his best friend is not the way to go about it.” I pulled a face. She was playing a very dangerous game.

“You can’t blame her though, finding out in the middle of drama that he had shagged one of her friends behind her back. I guess she wanted to get her own back.”

“Yeah, but with Tom? Sheesh, that guy is so dumb.” Well dumb was kind of putting it mildly.

She shrugged. “Well the whole point was to just flirt with a hot guy, brains did not factor into it, which was good for Tom.”

“He is cute, I have to admit.” Very dumb but cute.

“Hey you’re taken, you shouldn’t be looking.” She slapped me playfully on the arm, but it was her words that made me flinch.

“Yeah . . .” I wondered what Ollie was doing at this precise moment. Was he thinking about me or had he gotten over me already? Was I that forgettable?

“So what are you talking about?” Olivia asked, popping her tray down next to me, and I widened my eyes at Lucy as a warning. But she was always a little slow on the uptake.

“You actually,” she retorted and Olivia grinned.

“Oh really, I hope I kept you all entertained at the party.” She winked.

God, she was shameless.

“That you did.” I chuckled. “So is this love between you and Tom? Did he make you forget about your broken heart?”

I wish someone could make me forget mine.

“Ughh, great kisser, dumb as fuck,” Olivia replied. She always was no holds barred with her words.

I snorted my drink out.

“Eww Elijah, warn a person before you spray.” She wiped her face with a napkin before tossing it down on the tray.

“So did you get any response from Mark?” Lucy asked, in between bites.

“Err yes, he almost beat my door down when he thought I’d gone home with Tom. He thinks everyone has the same standards he has.” She fumed looking thoroughly disgusted.

“So did he manage to persuade you differently?”

Olivia pulled a look of disgust. “Fuck no, once I found out his dick was in skanky Scarlett I was done. He threw it all away to fuck the college whore. Now he has to live with it.”

“I seriously can’t understand why he would throw away what he had with you to dip his dick in her,” I replied, cringing at the thought. She was the kind of girl you avoided at all costs.

“He obviously got bored and wanted to sow his oats. Well he can sow them wherever her wants, but he’ll never get me back. Hell will freeze over before I let him near me again,” she said defiantly.

“That’s the spirit. You deserve far better. What guy would not want to date you?” Lucy remarked grinning.

“Err no one, I’m stunning.”

“And modest too,” I added sarcastically.

“Just telling it like it is. I am moving onto bigger and better things.” She beamed, picking up her fork.

“Speaking of which—Kyle.”

“What’s up, are you looking for another ride?” He winked as I snorted. God, he was such a dickhead.

“Maybe later, but Olivia might. She needs to get over Mark, and I’m pretty sure your dick is a good enough candidate to show her there is far more out there.”

The look of horror on his face was priceless. “No way. Sorry, Olivia, but Mark would have my balls if I even looked at you. Didn’t you see what he did to Tom?”

“No. O-m-g, what did he do to him?” Olivia shrieked.

“Well let’s say he won’t be kissing anyone for a while after the punch in the mouth he received. He has the whole black eye, fish lip look going on, and I am not testing his temper. Not that you aren’t hot, Olivia .” He winked. He just couldn’t help himself. He was a player to the core.

“That’s fine. I know you’d like to keep your face intact, I get it. Maybe some other time, when things die down ’cause trust me after what Luce told me I am more than intrigued,” she replied flirtily before grinning.

His eyes widened in surprise. “Fuck, I got to leave before you say more than you should.”

We laughed as he walked away rather awkwardly, it all looked rather painful.

“Well bang goes that idea of being ridden raw.” Olivia pouted.

“Oh I’m sure there’s some other guys that will willingly take Kyle’s place.” I was pretty sure that with her flawless skin and long chocolate brown hair that fell all the way down her back, she wouldn’t sit on the shelf for long.

“Hopefully.” She winked.

Like I said shameless.

“Well if you want bigger then maybe you need to speak to Lucy, because she has on good authority who is packing around here.” I added with a smile.

“Yep, but some might not be able to handle that kind of epicness,” she bragged, acting like it was some kind of achievement.

“Oh trust me, I’ll give it a good go. Maybe text me a list later on,” Olivia replied, grinning wildly.

“That’s my girl, if you want to get over a guy get under another.” Those were my usual words of wisdom. Ones that Brianne was quick to take.

“Very true.” Olivia sighed. She looked like she’d been there and done that many times.

The bell rang signalling the end of lunch, cutting short our conversation. It was probably for the best, putting on a brave face throughout all the humour was rather draining, but I managed to keep up the pretence over the course of the day, despite the fact I was secretly harbouring a broken heart.

I frantically rushed through the front door. B’s car was parked out front so I knew she was here. In my heart I hoped that it was to tell me she had forgiven me, that she was allowing me to be part of her life again. I was so lost without her. These last ten days had been torture, and I couldn’t bear to be apart a moment longer.

I found both her and my mother deep in conversation which was soon cut short the moment I barrelled into the kitchen.

“B.” I smiled, so happy to see her.

“Hey E.” She attempted a smile herself, but I wasn’t too blind to tell it was forced.

“Elijah, sit down and I’ll make you a coffee, B has something to tell you.”

I immediately frowned and my heartrate quickened at the thought it would be something that I wasn’t going to like.

“E, I’m moving to Newcastle,” she announced, leaving me all but stunned.

“What? You can’t,” I shrieked.

She frowned at my less than enthusiastic response. “It’s all arranged. I can transfer offices through my job, they need someone to help run the new department. They asked me and I said yes. I leave in five days.”

“Five days,” was all I managed to get out.

“Yeah,” she sighed.

“Is it because of me?” I asked, tears quickly formed in my eyes at the thought.

She bit her lip and shrugged. “Partly, this whole business with you and Luke has just been too much. I don’t know who to believe. I just need a clean break, and this job is the perfect opportunity for me to escape it all, to start a fresh,” she explained. I could see where she was coming from, but that didn’t change how I felt.

“But I don’t want you to go, please stay,” I pleaded.

“I can’t, E, it’s all changed. I always looked to you as more than a cousin, you were my best friend too. I would have killed for you. But all that changed the moment you kept that from me. You say you are the innocent party, yet why couldn’t you come to me straight after and tell me. Why did I have to hear from Luke?”

My eyes dropped down to the floor in despair. “Because I told you I was scared to tell you, that you’d believe him over me that our relationship would be ruined.”

“But keeping quiet was just as bad, covering up made me feel like you had something to hide and made me question you for the first time ever. I’ve finished with Luke. I can’t be with someone that I have to question whether or not he is cheating on me with someone else. But as far as you and I go, I need space, E, to get my head around it. The distance will be good for us, and in time, we might get back to where we were. I don’t know. I hope so but for now I can’t make that promise.”

My eyes met with hers as a tear rolled down my cheek. “I hope we can. I’ll miss you, B. I love you with all my heart. I just want you to know that. I’m here if you need to talk, to text. I’m not giving up on us.”

She smiled but it was slightly forced. “Good, I don’t want you to, and for the record, I love you too.” She pressed her lips up against my cheek, and I instantly grabbed her, hugging her hard. Inside I was breaking at the fact I knew this might be the last time I would see her for a while.

“Don’t cry, E, cause then you’ll make me cry . . .”

Her words made me sob even harder. “I can’t help it. I don’t want to let you go.”

She pulled back and cupped my damp cheeks. “But you have to, I need this new start, and if I stay here I might never let go of what happened. I don’t want to carry this anger around anymore. I want to be free of it to live my life. Be happy for me.”

I frowned at her words. “It’s hard to be happy knowing I’ll miss you so much.”

“Hey, we can FaceTime if you need to see my pretty face.” She winked, trying to lift the mood.

“Yeah, but it’s not the same.”

Her face dropped a little. “I know but it’s the best I can do for now.” She gave me a look that signified just how much pain she was going through. I knew I needed to let her go, to have time to herself. I just prayed that eventually she would come back to me, because I couldn’t even contemplate losing her forever.

* * *

B left shortly after. The tears had pretty much flowed since her announcement. As she left, she told me off and that I needed to keep a lid on it, which was so typical B, but I saw the tear that rolled down her cheek as she quickly swiped it away thinking no one had noticed. I cried hard for the next hour. It was my only way of letting out all the grief and anger for what I’d lost. I hated Luke for what he had done. He had destroyed everything I had in his decision to lie about his actions. My mother had come in, hearing my sobs and wrapped her arms around me whispering over and over that it would be alright, but I knew it was far from it. I had lost B and was almost certain Ollie was no closer to forgiving me. His silence spoke volumes, and I was scared at what his actual answer would be. Would he just willingly walk away from everything we had? I must have fallen asleep as when I awoke, the light was fading, and my mother had disappeared. I could hear soft music coming from downstairs so I knew she wasn’t far away, but the only person I wanted right now was Ollie.

I picked up my phone and texted him, explaining about B leaving and that I needed to see him, to speak to him. I knew I would have to fight to get him back in my life. My hope was soon shattered when I received a text almost instantly back.

I can’t forgive you for the lies, I’m sorry it’s over

My eyes ran over the words several times before they finally registered. I felt my heart shatter again at the thought that I had officially lost both of them now. The tears soon came thick and fast and I just wanted the ground to swallow me up so I was free of this torture, but I knew I wasn’t that lucky.

* * *

The next two months were almost a blur, the only way I was getting through it was spending the majority of the time drunk. I hid it well from my mother. She was often out and about in the evenings with all her classes, so I used that time wisely to drown myself in vodka. I had a system, hiding it in places I knew she wouldn’t look. Although waking each morning to a hangover was a major killer, but it was just nice to have a small respite from the pain if only for a few short hours. In that time, I had heard nothing more from Ollie. I had seen him from afar once walking through the park, I was almost certain he had seen me too judging by his swift exit. It really hurt that he could no longer bear to breathe the same air as I did. I knew I’d hurt him by not being upfront, but I had told him on enough occasions that everything Luke said was a complete lie, yet he still refused to believe that I didn’t have a different agenda. It hurt to think that I would deceive him in such a cruel way. I was beginning to fall fast and hard for him, and the pain was too much to bear. In my heart, I wished I’d never met him then I’d never have to feel this feeling of complete and utter loss. He had only been in my life such a short space of time, yet he had left a hole that was not so easily filled. I was now spending more time with Lucy and Olivia. They were a bad influence in themselves but getting wasted together was easier than being alone. I failed to go into detail what had transpired with Luke just regaling B had moved for a job promotion and with Ollie it had just fizzled out. They were my support system now and brightened up my dark days without realising it.

After one long day at school that had resulted in me failing an assignment, I decided to start drinking early. My life was crumbling around me so my theory was I may as well get wasted to block it out. Normally when I was alone I’d just hide in the safe confines of my room, but today I felt stifled by it all. I needed fresh air. To get out of this prison I found myself in. I placed the half bottle of vodka in my jacket pocket, heading for the place I had grown fond of in my early days of discovering alcohol. Thankfully when I arrived the play park was free of any children since it was after six. I just assumed it would be down to neurotic parents. I took my place on the swing and slowly began to move back and forth as I grabbed the vodka from my pocket and took a long hard swig. The potent liquid burnt the back of my throat, but I’d slowly become accustomed to that fact and welcomed the pain that it brought. I checked my phone in between sips to find nothing. B had kept to her promise and texted at first but as the weeks went by they became few and far between. She was already beginning to forget me and that part really hurt. She was now settled and loving her new job. She appeared brighter in her texts. She called sometimes, but we kept our conversation to a minimum keeping all talk of Luke out of the way. He was still here. I had run into him a few weeks after B had left. I wanted to smash his face in the moment I set eyes on the lying bastard, but my mother had held me back telling me there was no point in giving him any more of my time. He just wasn’t worth it. She was right, but still I would have preferred my way better. He didn’t show any signs of repentance at all. A few weeks later, I ran into him again, but this time I was on my own. I was doing my usual hanging out at the park when I saw him walking through. At first, I chose to ignore him but he was heading in my direction so I knew that was not going to be the case.

“Hey Elijah, how are you?” he asked breezily, like it was an everyday run of the mill greeting.

What the fuck?

“How am I? Why the fuck would you care? You destroyed all I had with your lies,” I slurred bitterly.

He frowned at my not so friendly greeting. “I’m sorry, but it all got to be too much. B wanted more, and I couldn’t handle the feelings I had for you. I couldn’t string her along anymore. I wanted to do right by her,” he explained, like that would be enough to justify his cruel actions.

“What, by lying that I came onto you?” I shrieked.

“I just got caught up in the moment and lied. She went crazy when I tried to tell her about us.”

I grabbed his T-shirt dragging him forward, staring into his eyes. “Let’s get this straight. There is no us.”

His eyes widened at my venomous words. “I just wanted to tell her the truth that I had feelings for you, but she blew up on me, slapped me hard on the face. She was screaming and carrying on, and I just lost it and blurted it out that you’d come onto me.”

My hands dropped down from his shirt. “Yeah, thanks for that,” I hissed in disgust.

He sighed loudly. “I just couldn’t outright admit that I was finishing with her because of another man. I can’t get my own head around it, so I couldn’t expect her to do so either.”

“That’s no excuse for lying, for telling her that I came onto you. You were a coward. You were the one that came onto me, that kissed me, and yet I seem to be the one who lost the most. Why? Do you hate me that much that you want to take everything away from me to punish me because I didn’t feel the same,” I cried, needing answers to why he had done such a despicable thing.

“I don’t know. I just . . . in that moment, it just came out, and I just couldn’t go back and tell her the truth. Yes, I am a coward. I know that, but I can’t let her find out the real reason. I don’t want to have these feelings. I was happy with your cousin, but each time I saw you it only confirmed it more and more that it was all a lie.”

I turned away no longer able to look at him a moment longer. “What you did was unforgivable, it was cruel. If you’re expecting some kind of sympathy from me then sorry, I’m all out. I will never forget what you did. I never want to see you again ever. Just leave me alone.” I headed back to the swing without a backward glance.

“Elijah, please, I’m sorry. You’ll never know how much I want to take this all back to undo it.”

Those were just meaningless words.

“Well you still can. Tell B and Ollie the truth, if you care anything for me then you would. You would make this all right again,” I shouted over my shoulder.

“I can’t. If I tell them then it confirms what I don’t want to know, that I’m gay, and right now, I can’t accept that.”

I swung around in rage. “But you said you wanted to be with me, would you have lived a double life if I had said yes?”

He shrugged in response. “I don’t know—maybe.”

“God, you are just so fucking spineless,” I growled.

“I know. You don’t have to tell me something I don’t already know!”

“Please Luke, do this for me. I need them back in my life. I’m lost without them,” I urged, hoping to appeal to the decent part of him. If there was any.

“I know but I can’t. I’m sorry.”

“Then just go,” I replied bitterly. I didn’t want to have to speak to him a moment longer. I’d had enough of his lying selfish ways to last me a lifetime.

“Elijah—” he begged.

“Just do me that at least, leave me alone.” I waved him away, pulling out the vodka to continue on with my drinking session.

“I’m so sorry.” He walked off without a backward glance, and my heart shattered as the one little piece of hope I’d held—that he’d finally develop a conscience and reveal the truth had finally been shattered.

Taking another swig of the vodka, I smiled as the effects finally began to take over. The evening air was cool, but I didn’t feel a thing wrapped up in my own little bubble. I loved the escapism one bottle brought. This was my life now, and I yearned each day for this time to feel free of all the hurt and pain, to experience the freedom that alcohol gave me. I leaned back and began swinging. I was too caught up in my own little word to notice that I had attracted quite a crowd.