The Hell of It All (52 page)

Read The Hell of It All Online

Authors: Charlie Brooker

Tags: #Humor, #Form, #Jokes & Riddles, #Civilization; Modern

BOOK: The Hell of It All
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  • ears, losing,
    1
  • Edge Media TV,
    1
  • Edmonds, Noel,
    1
  • eighty-second page,
    1
  • Elite
    ,
    1
  • ejaculatory anhedonia,
    1
  • elections: local,
    1
    : mayoral,
    2
    ,
    3
    ;
    • presidential,
      1
      ,
      2
      ,
      3
  • electronic surveillance,
    1
    ,
    2
  • elephants,
    1
  • emetophobia,
    1
  • emotionless bukkake,
    see
    ejaculatory anhedonia
  • end of the world, the,
    1
    ,
    2
  • ’Enery the Eighth,
    see
    Henry VIII
  • Euro Truck Simulator
    ,
    1
  • Eva Herzigova’s breasts,
    1
  • Evening Standard
    ,
    1
  • excuses for murdering people,
    see
    ‘Dead Parrot’ defence
  • Extreme Male Beauty
    ,
    1
  • Finding Nemo
    ,
    1
  • firing liquid from penis with terrifyingly impassive expression on face,
    1
  • Firmin, Peter,
    1
  • Fissions of the Vulture, see Visions of
    the Future
    although it’s not clear how you made such a weird mistake in the first place
  • Flash Louis,
    see
    Louis, Flash
  • flirting,
    1
  • Food Poker
    ,
    1
  • food stylists,
    1
  • forgetfulness of author,
    1
    ,
    2
  • Fray Bentos pies,
    1
  • Freedom of Choice Permit,
    1
  • fried onion rings (will it be?),
    1
  • frozen peas (will it be?),
    1
  • Fry, Stephen,
    1
    ,
    2
  • Gall, Sandy,
    1
  • gender stereotypes,
    1
    ,
    2
    ,
    3
    ,
    4
    ,
    5
  • The Genius of Darwin
    ,
    1
  • Gladiators
    ,
    1
  • glossary of media terms invented by author,
    1
  • Gormley, Antony,
    1
  • Grand Theft Auto
    ,
    1
    ,
    2
  • Greggs the Bakers,
    1
    ,
    2
  • grinning homunculus,
    see
    Miliband, David
  • Guilty Pleasures
    ,
    1
  • Halifax playing silly buggers,
    1
  • Hammond, Richard,
    1
  • hats, author’s absurd hatred of,
    1
  • Heat
    (magazine): serves as semiotic key for unlocking esoteric ITV2 Andre/Price mystery,
    1
    ;
    • inexplicably mocks blameless child on novelty sticker,
      1
      ;
    • purveyor of pictorial lunchtime brainfood for unhappy underachievers,
      1
      ;
    • notional desperation of notional reader,
      1
  • Help Me Anthea, I’m Infested!
    ,
    1
  • Henry VIII,
    1
  • Heroes
    ,
    1
    ,
    2
  • Herzigova, Eva,
    1
  • Heston Blumenthal: In Search of
    Perfection
    ,
    1
    ,
    2
  • Heston Blumenthal’s Feast
    ,
    1
  • Hilton, Paris,
    1
  • Hitchcock, Alfred,
    1
  • The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the
    Galaxy
    ,
    1
  • Hitler, snoozing in bed,
    1
  • hobbies,
    1
    ,
    2
  • Hole in the Wall
    ,
    1
  • holidays,
    1
    ,
    2
    ,
    3
    ,
    4
    ,
    5
  • Hollyoaks
    ,
    1
    ,
    2
    ,
    3
    ,
    4
    ,
    5
  • Hollywood movies (not yet made),
    1
  • hope, expressed musically,
    1
  • Hopkins, Katie,
    1
    ,
    2
    ,
    3
    ,
    4
  • Horgan-Wallace, Aisleyne,
    1
    ;
    • dissuaded from assaulting racist sunbather,
      1
  • Horizon
    ,
    1
    ,
    2
  • hot glue spluttering from sociopath’s funpole,
    1
  • How can you sleep at night?,
    1
  • I can’t take much more of this,
    1
  • I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of
    Here!;
    • the one with Cerys Matthews,
      1
      ,
      2
      ;
    • the one with Timmy Mallett,
      1
      ,
      2
      ,
      3
  • inaugural paragraph,
    1
  • infestation,
    see
    Turner, Anthea
  • Inside Nature’s Giants
    ,
    1
  • iPhone users, mocked during
    Knight Rider
    review,
    1
  • Iraq,
    1
    ,
    2
  • It isn’t really working,
    1
  • It’s a Knockout
    ,
    1
  • Ivor the Engine, see
    Postgate, Oliver
  • jacket spuds (will it be?),
    1
  • Jackson, Michael: used as edit-suite boobytrap for
    X-Factor
    contestants,
    1
    ;
    • covered by Supergrass,
      1
      ;
    • dies and becomes Glastonbury t-shirt slogan,
      1
  • James, Alex,
    1
  • Jamie at Home
    ,
    1
  • Jamie Oliver’s Cookin’,
    1
  • jamminess of author,
    1
    ,
    2
    ,
    3
  • Jet Set Willy
    ,
    1
  • joghexiness,
    1
  • Johnson, Boris,
    1
    ,
    2
  • Jordan,
    1
    ,
    2
  • Kaku, Dr Michio,
    1
  • Katie & Peter Unleashed
    ,
    1
  • Kato-Chan and Ken-Chan
    ,
    1
  • Katona, Kerry,
    1
    ,
    2
  • Kay, Vernon,
    1
    ,
    2
    ,
    3
    ,
    4
  • Kemp, Ross,
    1
  • The Kids Are Alright
    ,
    1
  • Kilroy-Silk, Robert,
    1
    ;
    • performing hideous acts in author’s imagi nation,
      1
  • Kinder Eggs,
    1
  • King Henry the Wifekiller,
    see
    Henry VIII
  • Knight Rider
    ,
    1
  • Lapland New Forest,
    1
  • Lawson, Mark,
    1
  • Le Grand, Julian,
    1
  • Ledger, Heath,
    1
  • letters of the alphabet, variously configured,
    1
  • Life in Cold Blood
    ,
    1
  • life, ruined by you,
    1
  • The Listener
    ,
    1
  • Livingstone, Ken,
    1
  • Louis, Flash,
    1
  • lying,
    1
    ,
    2
    ,
    3
    ,
    4
    ,
    5
    • (one of these is a lie)
  • McCann, Madeleine,
    1
  • McCain, John,
    1
    ,
    2
  • McClaren, Malcolm,
    1
  • McDowell, Malcolm,
    1
  • Make Me a Christian
    ,
    1
    ,
    2
  • marketing,
    1
    ,
    2
    ,
    3
    ,
    4
  • Marks and Spencers,
    1
  • marriage arrangements,
    1
    ,
    2
  • mass suicide,
    1
    ,
    2
  • meaninglessness,
    see
    pointlessness of everything
  • Meet the Natives
    ,
    1
  • MILF,
    see
    Vice-President MILF
  • ‘
    might as well
    …’;
    • grin and get on with things,
      1
      ;
    • construct a nuclear device,
      1
      ;
    • play heads or tails with
      Apprentice
      candidates,
      1
      ;
    • nihilistically scrawl an ‘X’ beside the name of a bumbling shaggy-haired pratfalling ex-Bullingdon shittleboob,
      1
      ;
    • elect Mr Philip Mitchell of Albert Square,
      1
      ;
    • parse clouds for coherence,
      1
      ;
    • sit alone in a shed counting numbers,
      1
      ;
    • (of a glamour model) ooze dogfood through unspecified holes,
      1
      ;
    • curtail diners’ ardour with chilled fluid,
      1
      ;
    • turn Chris Tarrant’s neck into a sort of Captain Pugwash cartoon character thing,
      1
      ;
    • excrete typewritten predictions,
      1
      ;
    • rebrand a blameless fitness magazine with a sarcastically direct title,
      1
      ;
    • loudly describe phantoms to confuse potential suitors,
      1
      ;
    • salute the British curtain rod industry,
      1
      ;
    • develop an intense interest in respiration,
      1
  • Miliband, David,
    1
  • misery,
    see
    other people’s misery
  • monsters,
    see
    beasties
  • Monty Python
    ,
    1
    ,
    2
  • Morgan, Piers,
    1
    ,
    2
    ,
    3
    ;
    • has word named after him,
      1
  • mornings,
    1
  • MRI scans,
    1
  • mushroom clouds,
    1
    ,
    2
    ,
    3
  • mushrooms (will it be?),
    1
  • Naked
    ,
    1
  • The Naked Civil Servant
    ,
    1
  • nasties,
    see
    really nasties
  • neighbours: complaining to,
    1
    ;
    • sharing a bath with,
      1
  • Neuman, Alfred E.,
    1
    ,
    2
  • Nescafe,
    1
  • Network, see
    Noel’s HQ
  • New Year resolutions,
    1
  • New York,
    1
  • News at Ten
    ,
    1
    ,
    2
  • Newton, Sir Isaac,
    1
  • nightclubs,
    1
    ,
    2
  • Nineteen Eighty-Four
    ,
    1
  • Nineteen Hundred and Ninety-
    Nine: Portillo Abuse
    ,
    1
  • Noel’s HQ
    ,
    1
  • Noggin the Nog, see
    Postgate, Oliver
  • NSFW phraseology gliding into Portillo’s ear as taxi trundles by,
    1
  • numbered pages,
    1
  • Nuts TV
    ,
    1
  • Obama, Barack,
    1
    ,
    2
    ,
    3
    ,
    4
    ,
    5
  • Oddie, Bill,
    1
  • Ofcom,
    1
    ,
    2
  • ‘Oh yes’,
    see
    Churchill the Nodding Dog
  • Oliver, Jamie,
    1
    ,
    2
  • Olympic games,
    1
  • Omaar, Rageh;
    • creates quietly angry war documentary,
      1
      ;
    • tucks into Heston Blumenthal
      concoction, says yum a lot, forgets about war for a while and let’s face it who can blame him,
      1
  • orange bibs,
    1
  • The Orange Box
    ,
    1
  • other people’s misery,
    1

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