The Hero Strikes Back (27 page)

I took a sip of wine. This was just all so irrational and so damned unfair. There was nothing I could say. It wasn't like I'd had any control over it. I hadn't made any of the decisions. She was blaming me for things I wasn't responsible for.

“Kaaren and the boys, they need me,” my mother went on. “They come to me, they ask me for advice about their work, and how to smooth over disturbances with their partners and companions. I can't understand your work, and I know I would be the last person who should advise you about any aspect about it. But don't you understand? That's what makes it so hard. It's like you're living in a different world than the rest of us, with these strange rules and rituals and objectives that I can never be a part of.”

Aye, Mother, that's what being a Shield is about. We don't have a choice in the matter. We have to do a job that no one else can. But there are no strange rituals involved, no howling at the moon, no secret handshake. Our objectives are pretty obvious. Keep the planet from being torn apart. And if you don't like how we're trained you'll have to take it up with the Triple S council.

“There's nothing I can teach you, Lee. About anything. You don't care about any of the things I consider important.”

“Like clothes,” I asked her.

I saw her clench her teeth. “One's clothes reflect one's character.”

Bilge. If that were true, there'd be no such thing as fashion. People would just wear whatever the hell they wanted. I liked nice clothing well enough, but I didn't care to spend the time to get it. What did that say about me except that I didn't care to spend time on clothes? And I'd seen Karish look the part of a useless mindless lordling. It didn't mean he was one.

“You seem to resent any input I try to have in your life—”

“Like trying to arrange something between me and Erin Demaris?” Damn straight, I did. “You thought you had the right to do that?”

She raised her chin. “Yes,” she declared. “That is a parent's role.”

“Maybe in—”

“Yes!” she interrupted, loud and harsh, so I shut up, though I didn't like it. “I was wrong to do so. But that makes it worse.”

What?

“Trying to bring Erin into your life was a disastrous mistake.”

Disastrous might have been overstating the case a little. “He is a fine man, Mother, it was just—”

“I know there is nothing wrong with Erin.”

Ah. Then that meant there was something wrong with me. It appeared my mother was not yet finished running down my character.

“But it's because I didn't understand what you have with Taro—”

Now it was my turn to interrupt. “I don't have anything with Taro, mother. Not like that.” And yes, my tone was sharp. It was one thing for strangers to think I was sleeping with Karish. They had nothing but rumors to work with, and if they thought someone like Karish would settle for someone like me, it was almost a compliment. And while it irked me that the other Pairs thought I had no discipline, I couldn't really blame them. Karish acted like we were lovers, and I didn't do much to stop him. But for my own mother to think so little of me, to think I would so forget my responsibilities that I would have sex with my own Source, that was disappointing.

“I'm not saying you're lovers, Lee. I know you're not.”

Oh. Good.

“But you don't believe that's the only kind of connection you can have with a man, do you?”

“Of course not.” I was not an idiot. “There is the bond—”

“I'm not talking about your . . . Pair bond.”

Zaire, would the woman please stop interrupting me?

“It's not your Pair bond. It has nothing to do with your Pair bond. Well, maybe it does, but that's not it.” Mother stopped, pulled in a breath, and started again. “I'm not claiming to know everything about the Triple S, Lee, but I have met a lot of Pairs in my time. I went out of my way to meet them, after we realized what you were. We wanted to know what you were getting into.” She frowned in memory. “Some of the partners despised each other,” she said. “The tension in the air was so strong, it seemed to catch me in the throat. I felt like I couldn't breathe. And I worried about you ending up in a Pair like that. It seemed so unhealthy, almost destructive. But most of the Pairs weren't like that. The partners were just friends, or colleagues. They just went about doing their business, and most of the time you wouldn't know there was any connection at all between them. Just two people who worked together and probably didn't think of each other much when they weren't in each other's presence. Just like regulars.”

And we didn't appear that way. That, at least, was something I could explain. “I know we seem more . . . wrapped up in each other than a lot of Pairs, Mother. But that's just because of circumstances. All that mess last year, it forced us into each other's company a lot more than most Pairs require. And I know Taro touches me a lot, but it doesn't mean anything. He just—”

“Of course it means something,” she said irritably. “It's his way of making sure people are giving him their attention, and that they don't forget he's there.”

For a moment I was startled out of my own irritation. “What?”

She rolled her eyes with impatience. “Think about it, Lee. You've said yourself that he flirts with absolutely everyone, that he's always oozing charm and touching people. Why do you think he acts the way he does? I don't know all the details, but he obviously felt isolated and neglected when he was a child, and he hated it. He needs people to know he's there, to remember he's there. He flirts with people because it's sure to get everyone's attention. He hangs on to a least one person in the room because he can be sure at least one person will remember he's present. It's obvious.”

Oh, Zaire. I put my hand over my mouth. She was right. It made perfect sense. It was obvious. And I had missed it. While my mother had picked up on it after only a couple of meetings. I had wondered why she had taken to kissing him and stroking him. It didn't seem at all like her.

I felt sick.

“But it's not that, either, Lee,” she said, oblivious to or ignoring my reaction. “You're just different with him than you are with anyone else I've seen. You snipe at each other, you tease each other, and you were ready to go for his mother's throat the other night.” She reached across the table, grasped one of my hands and held it in both of hers. “I've seen you with a lot of different people over the years, Lee. And never have I seen you so . . . natural with anyone as you are with Taro. You relax a little. Laugh more freely, express anger more easily.”

Really? I was sure he would be shocked to hear it.

“And he adores you. You can see it.” I didn't squirm, but I wanted to. She was reading more than was there. “Your opinion means the world to him. And he didn't really start to break down the other night until he felt his mother had slighted you too much. And no, I'm not claiming some grand dramatic love. But there is a real, strong connection there, more than with any other Pair I've seen, and I think . . . I don't think any other relationship is going to be able to compete with that. Your Source will always come first with you. Another man will have to be willing to accept that. I doubt many would be.”

Karish and I were not freakishly obsessed with each other. “Most Pairs have relationships outside the bond. Riley is married. And Hammad.” And dozens of others I couldn't name right then.

“You're not listening, Lee. I'm not talking about other Pairs. I'm talking about yours. I've seen you and Taro. There's something very strong there. And I never should have thought anyone else could break into that. Especially someone Taro didn't approve of.”

“Taro has no right to approve or disapprove.” He had nothing to do with it, and I would tell him so if he ever thought to interfere.

“If Taro despised a man you were keeping company with, it wouldn't bother you?”

“I don't pass judgment on
his
lovers.”

“That's not what I asked you.”

I wasn't going to answer the question. It was a stupid question, and the answer was too complicated. Taro had so far despised every man I'd ever met, or so it seemed. Taro had hated Ian on sight, and there was nothing wrong with him. Sure, he was kind of a prat. He'd been sleeping with his Source and trying to pick up Karish right in front of her. But in many ways he had been much like Karish was himself, so it was illogical for Karish to dislike him. Karish had met Aiden once, a fleeting moment, and had had nothing good to say about him thereafter. And all right, during that fleeting moment Aiden had managed to insult Karish, and yes, Aiden had turned out to be . . . well . . . a would-be murderer. Karish hadn't needed anything but Erin's name—which he still found himself unable to pronounce—to start disparaging the man. And yes, Erin had been . . . annoying. But Karish hadn't known any of that at the relevant times. He had just decided to dislike these men to annoy me. That he had been bizarrely right—no, lucky—was nothing more than a weird coincidence.

And if he hated whatever man I ended up with, it would be hell.

I didn't want to think about it. “What does this have to do with anything?”

“The fact that I didn't see it,” said my mother. “Or that I didn't understand it. The fact that I tried to contribute something to your life and not only chose badly, but risked something that was essential to you.”

What? Karish? Was that what she meant? How had my bond with him been risked? The bond couldn't be broken. By anything.

“But that's your whole life,” she continued. “Your whole life is something I don't understand, and can't contribute to without causing damage.”

“My life is not so fragile, Mother.” While I didn't care for her attempts at manipulation, I didn't think I'd actually suffered anything because of it.

“Is it not? Maybe not. I don't know. Maybe your bond to Taro isn't so essential to you. Maybe it's so strong nothing can break it. Or maybe it'll shatter if you look at it too hard.
I don't know.
I don't know when I'm taking the wrong step. I don't know your rules of right or wrong and when I might be offending you.” She sighed again, suddenly appearing exhausted. “You don't need me for anything, Lee. Not for guidance. Not as an example. Certainly not as a confidant. You haven't talked about anything more profound than the weather since I got here.”

“That's an exaggeration and you know it. We've talked about politics and the tension here and—”

“Nothing personal to you,” my mother finished for me. “You come here with your face so badly bruised.” I touched my face in reaction. I'd forgotten about it. “You didn't think to tell me how that happened, when that happened. Maybe because it really doesn't disturb you, which to me is incomprehensible. Or perhaps because you think I am an
inappropriate
person with whom to discuss these things, which I have to admit is painful.”

What, did she expect me to fly into hysterics over it? What possible good would that do?

I didn't understand. What did she want from me?

I was an adult. I had responsibilities. Did she want me to be weak? What good would that do me? Or her? Or anyone? It didn't make sense.

She had no right to do this. No right to come into my life and criticize how I did things. Especially when she was correct in realizing she didn't comprehend the kind of decisions my life required.

And trying to make me feel inadequate because I didn't share with her every thought I had in my head? What was that about? My thoughts and feelings were my own and I had every right to keep them to myself when I wished. She was wrong to try to make me feel guilty about it.

“I came here to get to know you again, Lee. To try to resume our natural family positions.”

Our natural family positions? What did that mean?

“You have been a very considerate hostess, taking good care of your guest. But I should not be a guest to you. I am your mother.”

So she was upset because I had treated her too well? “I don't understand,” I confessed.

“No. I know. You can't understand. And I don't understand.”

And now, after she had been so eloquent, that was all she had to say. “This is why you are leaving?”

She looked frustrated. Like I should have gotten it from all she had said. But what she had said hadn't made sense. “I expected to have a certain place in your life, Lee. But it's been made clear that I don't have it.

What place? A place of authority, or control? She honestly believed she had the right to that? She thought she could swoop in after seventeen years and rewrite everything I had been taught?“I don't understand what you expect from me.”

“I know. And I know it's not your fault. Please understand me, Lee, I don't blame you for anything. If it's anyone's fault, it's mine. For expecting too much.”

Oh, that was comforting. It was her fault for expecting a dog to speak. “So you're leaving?” That was her solution? Things weren't going exactly as she planned, so she left?

“I don't know what I'm doing here, Lee. I'm not getting to know you. You're not coming to rely on me for anything. And I'm causing problems for you.”

Why did I have to rely on her? Why did that have to be part of the equation? “I don't want you to go, Mother.”

“Is that the way you really feel? Or is it merely the appropriate thing to say?”

Now that was totally uncalled for. My lying wasn't that out of control.