The High Queen's Vow [The Mystic Women of The Realm Series Book IV] (41 page)

"Even now I am embarrassed to say that I cried in My fear."

"You?"

She nodded, “I hated her, and I hated Myself for being so weak, and for crying, and for being afraid. But then My anger took over. Such as yours, now."

Sle'nel’ nodded, but said nothing.

"I hated her for what she did for many, many turns. I had no other option. I barely escaped from her, but as I did, My anger grew until I could see nothing but the hate and rage."

After a long moment, Sle'nel’ softly asked, “What did you do with your hate?"

"At first, it grew. I hated many, and I seemed to want to hate them, so I protected it. I cradled My hate to Me. But later, a most wise teacher taught Me to let it go, at least in the ways that I could."

Sle'nel’ thought about it for a moment, then asked, “How?"

"She took Me to visit with the Ancients. They saved Me from My hate and helped Me to remove it, at least so that it wasn't an all-consuming of hates. They helped Me to place My hate in the perspective across all The Realm and across all the moments."

"This could not have been Ll'strin'll."

"Indeed not. It was U'Aine, of the Masters."

She looked back out onto the lake, “I know not how this is supposed to help me with my anger. The Ancients are far distant from here, and words mean but little to me at these moments. I feel like I want to kill someone. Like I want to beat them to death. Like I want to strangle the Dark Sorcerer with my hands over and over again."

San'lr'in’ thought about it for a moment, then asked, “How fare your wounds?"

"They heal. They ache.” She waved her hand, dismissing the thought, “I care not. I seldom think on them. The pain is there, but I desire it as so. I want to recall the Dark Sorcerer and what he did. I will
never
forget what he did to me."

San'lr'in’ rose and went to a nearby but relatively unseen guard. Within a few moments, the guard had returned with her Queen's request. San'lr'in’ walked back to her Elf, handing her a sword, “Then fight Me. With all your might and strength and anger. Fight Me."

Sle'nel’ looked up at her, then looked back to the lake, “I have no desire to do so."

"You do. You said as such. You are angry with Me."

"That is not my meaning."

"We shall see."

San'lr'in’ placed one sword upon the sand, then using her own, she pointed the sword at one of Sle'nel's buttons. With little effort, she cut it off.

"Halt this."

"You will have to make Me do as such, Elf.” She laughed and smiled mischievously.

She moved the sword to the garment's lacings, cutting through them.

"Halt this."

"You will have to force Me to do so. And besides, I rather like the view more this way. The lacings hide you overly."

Sle'nel’ had no patience for such playfulness, so became irritated, “Halt, San'lr'in'. You are acting as a child."

"Perhaps you should as well. Get up. Fight Me. Or are you afraid I will win? Again?"

"You taunt me just to make me fight against you. I know this trick. It is the same I provided to you."

"I have excess energy this turn and could use a good fight. If not you, then I will have to find another, but you are more skilled from your Elfin background.” She smiled a smile that few could refuse, “Come, My Elf. Allow Me the challenge. Just for a short moment, Elf. Come. Please."

Sle'nel’ rose, giving in, somewhat pleased by the challenge, but yet irritated at being forced to do yet another thing. She examined San'lr'in’ for a moment, then picked up the sword, “This is of no purpose, San'lr'in'."

"Then do it just to please Me, My Elf. Or do you have a matter more pressing than this to which you should tend?"

"No.” She raised her sword and touched the tip of it to her Queen's. Instantly, The High Queen began to fight against her. Being an Elf, Sle'nel’ couldn't give in easily, so she met her Queen's moves quickly, beginning to force herself into quickness of action and thought.

"You are angry, yes?"

Sle'nel’ swung with much force against her Queen's sword, “YES!"

The High Queen taunted her with strong and quick moves, “At who?"

"You! The Dark Sorcerer."

The High Queen began an aggressive series of moves, forcing Sle'nel’ backwards into the forest, where Sle'nel’ didn't wish to go. San'lr'in’ knew it would make her bring her anger even more forward, “You think you know what anger is, but you know not, Elf. You have no notion of true anger. You are just mildly so."

"NO! This is not truth, and you
know
it!"

Sle'nel’ became blinded in her anger, striking out as forcefully as her anger would allow. She no longer thought of who she was fighting, just that she was fighting against all that she hated. She felt the pain in her shoulder and knee, but cared nothing of it, lashing out at her hate.

As Sle'nel’ became more angry, she became more uncontrolled and unfocused in her moves. San'lr'in’ kept her focus steady upon her Elf, knowing that Sle'nel’ was paying little attention to who she now fought. And San'lr'in’ well knew that Sle'nel’ was now fighting against her own demons. Slashing out her hate, Sle'nel’ used all her strength in every move, caring neither to win nor to lose, but just to strike out at the Dark Sorcerer. Just to kill her anger. To kill him.

San'lr'in’ wanted Sle'nel’ to rid herself of her anger, so kept Sle'nel's anger high until she was overly exhausted. She taunted her unmercifully, not wishing to re-instill the memories, but wishing for Sle'nel’ to have the opportunity to finally fight against that which allowed her no recourse.

"Is this the best you can do, Elf? The Dark Sorcerer surely would have killed you even if he had let you loose from your shackles."

Sle'nel's eyes became wild in their hate, fearing the statement to be truth, “NO! This is not so!” She pushed her strength even harder, bringing her sword down upon her Queen's with a force that she had never prior used. Even The High Queen was amazed at Sle'nel's force against her struggles.

"You were afraid."

The High Queen brought her sword mightily down against Sle'nel's. Sle'nel’ halted it with great effort, then returned the blow, but wildly so, “NO!"

"Yes. In truth, you were afraid."

Sle'nel’ moved more forcefully against San'lr'in', raging against her, raging against the truth.

"You were afraid of the pain. Afraid of having to endure more."

"NO!

"You hated him for what he did."

She brought her sword down with all her force, with all her body, “I hate him."

"And you are angry with Me for not arriving more quickly."

"NO!” Once again, Sle'nel’ moved into a blinding rage, fighting against the truth.

"Yes. The pain was unbearable, and I provided no halt to it. You were angry at Me for allowing as such to occur."

Sle'nel’ brought her sword down upon San'lr'in's over and over again.

"I hate him for what he did."

"I was afraid. I was afraid of more pain. Of more torture."

"I could survive no more."

"I was afraid, and I wanted to die."

Upon each statement, she brought her sword against San'lr'in's with all her force. San'lr'in’ held onto her sword tightly, offering little opposition, but allowing Sle'nel's rage to fully emerge, “He hurt you."

Again, her sword came down, over and over, like a hammer, “YES!"

San'lr'in’ fought against her lightly, seeing that Sle'nel’ was now in full rage, so cared little about the fight. She received the blows, moving quickly to counter the next one.

"He hurt you in places of your greatest weakness."

"YES!"

Blow after blow, Sle'nel’ fought her demons. She was tiring, but had no notice of it. San'lr'in’ could see she was tiring, but also knew it would take many more moments to allow Sle'nel's rage its full release. She moved quickly about, forcing Sle'nel’ to keep up with her, tiring her even further.

Ann'wn had been called, and The Healer, Caitha and Meera also came, having heard the noise of the fight. They waited, seeing that their Queen had the fight well under control, but worried and concerned over their Elf. They could hear their Queen and Sle'nel's words, so knew the anguish Sle'nel’ was raging against.

"I HATE HIM!"

"You were afraid."

"HE TORTURED ME!"

"You wanted to kill him."

"I wanted to hurt him as he hurt me."

"You rage against yourself."

"NO!"

"YES. You hate yourself. You hate yourself for being weak."

Finally, San'lr'in’ had discovered Sle'nel's most painful truth. Sle'nel’ began to cry, giving it no attention, but now enraged beyond all limits. She lashed out blow after blow, with strength that didn't exist within her slender body, with strength that belonged only to her well-hidden demons.

"NO!"

"YES! You saw yourself as weak."

"NO!"

"You have always thought yourself as strong in this regard, but found yourself as weak, like any other. Like any other, Elf. This is the characteristic of torture. No one can endure torture. All give in. You are no exception."

"NO!"

"More than any hate within you, you now fight against the hatred you hold of yourself. What did you do Elf, plead for mercy? Plead for a quick death?"

"NO!"

"You did! As all do. Like he did as well."

"NO!"

"Yes. You did. I can see this well and there is no shame to this. I did as well."

San'lr'in’ saw that Sle'nel’ was freely crying as well as weakening. Sle'nel's demons were finally forced to show themselves. San'lr'in’ carefully began countering Sle'nel's moves, making her to now fight against her. Making her to think and draw herself back into The Realm. Sword move after sword move, San'lr'in’ slowly made Sle'nel’ see her; made Sle'nel’ watch her moves.

"Say it, Elf. You saw yourself as weak, and you hate yourself for it."

"NO!"

"Yes. It is so. You were weak and afraid."

Sle'nel’ tried to lash out against her rage, against her Queen, but San'lr'in’ began to move Sle'nel's rage aside. She forced Sle'nel’ back, shocking blow after even more shocking blow. Sle'nel’ was tiring quickly, having spent all her energies fighting against herself and her own demons. After many long moments of fighting, San'lr'in’ moved Sle'nel’ against a tree, then forced her sword from her hands. Sle'nel’ hung her head and cried.

"You were afraid, My Desire."

Sle'nel’ nodded her head, desperate in her emotions.

"You pleaded for mercy, and it is this memory that now haunts you."

Sle'nel’ placed her arm up to her eyes, trying to hide from The Realm. She nodded, softly replying, “Yes."

The High Queen dropped her own sword, moving slowly up to her love, “You hate Me for not arriving prior to this."

Again, she nodded, “Yes."

"And you hate him for making you arrive to this moment."

"YES! I hate him for this. I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM!"

Sle'nel’ yet had her head bowed and her arm to her eyes, shielding herself away from The Realm. But she was crying, sobbing, overly tired to face her demons and truths, overly tired to halt herself from crying. The High Queen went to her and placed her in her arms, holding her tightly. Sle'nel’ cried for many moments into her Queen's shoulder, finally letting lose her demons she had held so fiercely to her.

"I hate him."

The High Queen just allowed Sle'nel’ her own moments. The High Queen said nothing, but held Sle'nel’ tightly to her, allowing her to feel protected and safe. She rocked her lightly while they stood, and held her head gently.

"I hate myself."

After many more moments, San'lr'in’ responded to her, “And I am most proud of you, My Desire. I know what occurred in that cave, and I know full well how you responded. While you cannot be proud of yourself, I can be for you. Both Caitha and My Healer saw your bravery and have commented on nothing else. Even through the pleading, you held strong and didn't allow him to torture them. You beat him, My Desire, even though you were fully shackled. You used your wits against him, and it is you who won. Do you not see this as truth, Elf, as it is so?

"While I can remove Myself from pain, there will come a moment, even for Me, if the torture lasted long enough when I also would plead for mercy. No one in all The Realm can endure this sort of pain for any length of moments. This is truth, My Desire. I speak only truth. I am truly sorry I arrived not sooner, but I am truly proud of your bravery. Only you could have acted so selflessly. You saved The Healer and Caitha from such, and I most proud of you."

In almost a whisper, Sle'nel’ replied, “I am ashamed of myself."

San'lr'in’ felt sorry for her Elf, but knew Sle'nel’ would move away from this most terrible of moments now that she recognized her demons. She continued to tell Sle'nel’ stories of others and how they fared, and slowly, Sle'nel’ let go her personal demon and re-entered The Realm.

Yet in her Queen's embrace, Sle'nel’ finally looked up at her, “I knew not that I felt as such.” Then laid her head once again on her lover's shoulders, “I am not, in truth, angry at you, San'lr'in'."

San'lr'in’ laughed lightly, “A wise scholar once told Me that if I must hate, that I should focus My hate rather than attempt to hate overly many at one moment, or I might dilute it."

Sle'nel’ smiled a little at the comment, looking up at her Queen, “You just attempt to remove yourself from my hate list."

San'lr'in’ moved close to her lover's ear and whispered, “Have I yet succeeded in doing as such, My Desire?"

"I know not, but think you will have to try more than this."

"Perhaps this, then?” She kissed Sle'nel’ gently, but fully.

Sle'nel’ looked as if she were thinking it over, “Hmmm ... not bad."

"Not bad? This is all I rate? I have been told by many lovers prior to you that a kiss from Me would provide—"

"At moments, my Queen, you speak overly."

Sle'nel’ made a move to kiss San'lr'in', and for a few moments, they enjoyed their quiet but grateful togetherness.

San'lr'in’ motioned her head slightly to the ones that now waited, “They are concerned about you, My Desire. Would you be willing and ready to attend our last eve's meal prior to the great Gates?"