The Hitwoman and the Chubby Cherub (13 page)

Honestly I couldn’t finger out why a woman who was obviously old enough to collect Social Security wanted to torture herself with a thong.

“It’s going to be a
very
special night,” she confided.

“How nice for you,” I said tightly as I considered stuffing the underwear past her dentures.

“Not those,” Armani said, limping up and snatching the pair from my grasp. She tossed them in the pile and pulled out a virginal white satin thong. “This.” She held it out to the woman.

The woman beamed. “Perfect! I’ll take it.”

While she caressed her cheek with the fabric, I mouthed “thank you” to Armani.

She gave me a saucy wink. “Let me show you how it’s done. You go man the register.”

I almost turned down her generous offer to help, but remembering Loretta’s advice, I smiled my gratitude and let her take over.

I retreated behind the counter and watched in awe as she did her thing. I don’t know if she was using her psychic powers or what, but she did an amazing job of helping people find just what they wanted. It didn’t matter if the customer was a college girl who wanted something special for a date, a clueless husband shopping for his wife, or a pair of identical twin sisters, who, if their giggling was any indication, were up to no good.

Every customer left satisfied and with a smile on their face.

Finally, when there was a moment when there were no customers lurking around, I emerged from behind the counter with a stool for Armani to sit on. But before I offered it to her I enveloped my friend in an impulsive hug. “I don’t know how to thank you.”

“For what?” she asked, genuinely perplexed.

“This. Everything.” I waved my hand to encompass the store. “I don’t know how to repay you.”

She shook her head as she lowered herself onto the stool. “This was nothing. I like bossing people around.”

I chuckled, knowing it was true. “But this was above and beyond.”

Armani shook her head. “No. Above and beyond is trying to rescue your friend when she’s been kidnapped by a mob family. Even though you kind of sucked at the rescuing part.”

I smiled at the memory. “That’s what friends are for.”

“No.” She shook her head. “Friends are for shopping with, and getting plastered with. What you did, that’s what sisters are for.” Her voice cracked at the end, revealing the depth of her emotion.

My chest tightened and my eyes stung with tears. Not knowing what to say, I hugged her again.

“I helped too,” God said from my bra.

Armani didn’t seem to register my squeaking chest.

“So as your honorary sister,” she quipped, “I’m telling you that if you don’t claim that Angel as your own soon, he’s fair game.”

I laughed. “Go for it.”

She shook her head. “What is wrong with you? The man is h.o.t. hot.”

“He is,” I agreed.

Armani grinned, “So you’re not blind to attractive men?”

I shook my head.

“Glad to hear it. So why don’t you go after him?”

I couldn’t very well tell her that I’d hooked up with Patrick, so I just shrugged.

“Just because you became Katie’s mom, doesn’t mean you have to take a vow of chastity.”

“I’m not her mom,” I quickly corrected.

She looked at me strangely, but chose not to argue. Which was probably wise, as a new wave of customers strolled in, eager to spend their cash.

I was tired by the time I closed up the shop. All I wanted to do was get back to the B&B, check on Katie, grab something to eat, and put my feet up.

Chapter Sixteen

I stumbled into the kitchen after checking on Katie, bleary-eyed, determined to raid the fridge and hang out in the basement.

I reached the refrigerator before I realized I wasn’t alone in the room.

Aunt Susan and Griswald were making out against the sink, four hands and two tongues, working at a frenzied pace. Needless to say, they were unaware I’d entered.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I silently spun around and tried to tiptoe out.

Which was really stupid, because it’s impossible to tiptoe anywhere with one’s eyes closed.

I ran right into a cabinet, stubbing my toe in the process.

“Margaret!” Susan gasped.

Without turning to face them, I raised my hand in greeting. “I was just on my way out.”

“Nonsense. Have you had any dinner?” Susan pushed.

I shook my head, but still didn’t turn around.

“I’ll fix you a plate,” she insisted.

I sighed and slowly turned around. “I don’t need a plate. I was just going to grab some peanut butter.”

My aunt shook her head. “Your nutrition habits are deplorable.”

Considering she’d been playing slap-and-tickle in the kitchen, I didn’t think she should be judging my habits. I could feel myself tensing. I’d had a long day and didn’t need a lecture.

Griswald must have anticipated my reaction, because he intervened. “She looks exhausted, Susan. Maybe she just wants a sandwich and to rest.”

I shot him a grateful look, while my aunt stepped closer to get a better look at me.

“Long day?” she asked sympathetically.

“They all are,” I replied honestly. “And I have to find gluten-free ice cream.”

Susan blinked rapidly like I’d just announced I’d become a cannibal or something. “What?”

“I need to buy gluten-free ice cream for Katie’s class for the Valentine’s Day party. I got roped into providing the food.”

“Because you don’t have enough to do?” Griswald chided gently.

I shrugged. “I was asked, so I couldn’t say no. I figured it was the kind of thing Teresa would have done.”

Susan clucked her tongue disapprovingly. “Teresa would have never been asked.”

I balled my hands into fists. “So you’re saying they saw me coming and guessed that I’m a soft touch?”

Pain and sadness sharpened Susan’s features for a moment. “No dear,” she murmured, moving closer so that she could pull me into her arms.

I held myself stiff. I couldn’t welcome her touch when she thought I was a fool.

I felt her turn to look at Griswald and found myself watching him too. He gave her a reassuring nod.

“What I meant,” Susan explained, “is that no one would have ever asked Teresa. She just wasn’t dependable.”

“But--” I protested, pulling away from her.

Susan shook her head. “I know that you have this glorified view of your sister, but as I’ve tried to tell you before, Teresa wasn’t nearly as squared away as you imagined. She wasn’t dependable and no one would have asked her.”

“Wouldn’t have asked who what?” Marlene asked, bouncing into the kitchen.

Leslie followed closely behind her.

“Nothing. You look like you’re in a good mood.” Susan smoothly changed the topic of conversation as she stepped away from me.

Marlene nodded excitedly. “Aunt Leslie and I are going to double-date.” She grabbed Leslie’s hand for emphasis.

Personally, I found the idea of double-dating with anyone, let alone my aunt who’d only recently gotten sober, to be appalling, but Marlene looked genuinely excited.

I mustered what I hoped passed for a smile for her.

Susan wasn’t quite so generous. She arched an eyebrow. “Aren’t you supposed to be abstaining from romantic relationships?” she asked her sister pointedly.

“I’m in N.A. not Lovers Anonymous,” Leslie snapped back. “So mind your own beeswax.”

Susan frowned, but managed to remain silent.

“We’re going to have the best time,” Marlene continued, undaunted by the tension between the sisters. “You should come with us,” she said to Susan. “We could make it a triple date!”

I’m pretty sure I saw Susan blanch at the idea, but to her credit, she managed to reply with a brittle smile. “Thank you, but we already have plans.”

Every female eye in the room turned to stare at Griswald. From the expression on his face, I knew that this was the first he was hearing of the so-called plans. In fact, faced with the amount of expectant estrogen in the room, he looked downright apprehensive.

Taking pity on him, I announced to no one in particular, “Armani helped me out at The Corset today. If she gives up her interior design business she should become a personal shopper.”

“I thought she worked at the insurance company,” Leslie said.

Griswald nodded his thanks to me.

“She quit and opened an interior design company with a former dogcatcher.”

“She
does
have a good eye,” Susan remarked. “And I guess her flair for the dramatic might serve her well in that field. Good for her for taking the initiative.”

It was the first time I’d ever heard her say anything positive about my friend and I fought the urge to hold my hand against her forehead to see if she had a fever.

“We’ve got the munchies,” Marlene declared.

Susan looked at her sharply.

That wasn't the best thing to say when the other part of your “we” is in Narcotics Anonymous.

“So does Maggie,” Susan said, “and since she hasn’t had dinner yet, she has first dibs on the kitchen. Everyone else out.”

While the women all went toward the dining room, Griswald slipped outside. Perhaps to escape all that estrogen.

I quickly made myself a PB sandwich, grabbed a butterscotch pudding, and dashed down the basement stairs, yelling, “All yours.”

“Maggie! Maggie!” DeeDee panted as I descended.

“I know, I know, you’re hungry.”

“Hungry not.”

I narrowed my gaze, now trying to decide if
she
was ill. The dog was
always
hungry.

“Angel fed us not long ago,” Piss explained, rubbing her entire body against my shin.

“Burger,” DeeDee reminisced, licking her chops.

“And tuna,” Piss preached poetically as I put my food down on the coffee table.

“What about you?” I asked God as I gently pulled him from his hiding spot.

“Not hungry either.” He stretched as I carefully put him into his terrarium.

I plopped on the couch, the dog settling on one side of me, the cat on the other, and ate my sandwich in relative peace, despite DeeDee staring at me the whole time like she hadn’t eaten for weeks.

For a moment I allowed myself to indulge in the fantasy that the four of us were the only ones in the house. I daydreamed about what it would be like to run away with them and start over, alone. Unlike my human family members, their needs were easily met and they expected so little of me. I envisioned what it would be like to not have the kind of crushing responsibility that made me skulk in and out of my own home, and snap at people for no good reason. It was a wonderful fantasy.