The Honor Trilogy: Books One, Two, and Three of the Honor Trilogy (44 page)

Honor:

This has to be a dream.

Or a nightmare.

How else could I explain being able to stare at the lifeless form in front of me?

The ironic part is I don’t want to wake up. That would be the real nightmare.

It’s been several hours since Ethan held me in his arms on my bathroom toilet. Several hours since I’d learned that my life from here on out would not be my own. I would belong to the government. My dad would hire a lawyer, but everyone knows that what the government wants, the government gets. And they want me.

So why would I want to wake up?

I just wish I didn’t have to stare at my own body being kept alive by a machine. Trying to close my eyes to sleep is senseless, because the commotion outside my door just keeps jarring me awake. The good thing about being in this ghostly state, though, is that I feel no pain. Not mine. Not anyone else’s. It’s not that I’m not grateful for being given the ability to heal people, but it’s a twenty-four hours a day painful existence. An existence that I’m not so sure I can live with anymore – even if the men from the CIA
weren’t
looking to use me as their guinea pig.

I’m not quite sure
when
I was able to separate myself from my physical body, but it was definitely sometime in this room. The last thing I remember before
waking up
, is hearing my daddy say he’s getting a lawyer. Then all of sudden I was here, standing next to this hospital bed…with me in it…and my parents crying alongside of me. For some reason though, Ethan hasn’t been here. I haven’t seen him all day, which surprises me, because he always is so protective and worried about me. Maybe they wouldn’t let him in, or maybe he just couldn’t bear to see me like this. Since he’s been feeling his empathic emotions again, it must be getting hard for him to deal with everything. I know how tormenting it can be.

Thinking about Ethan, I realize how I’ve hurt him lately. I’m sure he knows that it was not my intention to cause him pain, but I hurt him nonetheless. If only I could apologize to him before I…I can’t even say the word. A new heart is coming, I heard them talking about it before, but I’m not sure I want it anymore. But then I think about my parents and how they would have to live without me and I can’t do that to them. A seventeen, wait, almost eighteen-year-old girl should not have to be burdened with this type of decision.
Do I get back inside that body and take the new heart, returning to a life of feeling what everybody else is feeling? Or do I stay here, outside my real body, living pain-free every day…and hopefully finding my way to heaven?
It’s tempting to stay here like this. The isolation wouldn’t be anything new. If it weren’t for my parents, my answer would be easy – I wouldn’t go back. I know that a teenager wishing her life to be over is sad. Under normal circumstances, I would agree. It’s a terrible thing for someone so young to feel so hopeless, but I see no way out of the pain and no way to live with it. Even going back into isolation, crocheting in my bedroom alone, would cause me too much pain, because now I have friends. I don’t want to exist without them. And hanging with them causes just as much hurt, because I know when their hearts are breaking and I’d want to help them. Where does it end?

But then there’s the whole matter of Storm. He broke my heart the day he left and never called. That was a whole different kind of pain. I knew instantly that I owned the crushing in my chest the day he swam away. And when I noticed later that he’d left his phone behind, leaving no way for me to contact him, that’s when I knew I’d fallen in love with Storm Sutherland.

That’s when I knew my heart never stood a chance.

The commotion outside has now settled into a mild disturbance. The voice levels have sunk to just above a whisper, and I’m finally able to close my eyes again, hoping for a temporary reprieve from this next bit of paranormal in my life. I’d have never guessed that I would be a ghost on top of being an empath, but behind my closed eyes, the darkness is welcoming. A peace washes over me, and I’m okay with being in this state – all right with floating in the pain-free air.

A fussing with something on my end table forces me to open my eyes. The heart that doesn’t exist in my chest suddenly bursts with excitement.

He’s here.

And he’s standing next to my hospital bed playing with the nurses’ call button remote.

Oh my gosh. He came back to see me.

Though I don’t have a heart, I can almost feel it skip a beat.

Storm Sutherland is beautiful.

The smirk sliding across his face puzzles me though. He isn’t sad. In fact, he looks pretty proud of himself. Grasping the remote in his hand, he nods his head. “I knew I could do it, princess. It just takes a hell of a lot of concentration.”

I chuckle, because he probably can’t think of anything to say to my comatose body.

“You find this funny?” He asks with a smirk.

Why would he ask if I find this funny?
Did he hear me laugh?

When he turns his attention away from the remote, he doesn’t look at the bed.

He looks at me.

“What’s the matter, princess? You surprised I can see you?” When he walks toward me, he runs his hand over my arm – the arm of the me in bed.

I stand from my chair. Something’s not right.

“There has to be
something
you want to say right now.” As he passes the bottom of the bed, he runs his hand over my blanket-covered feet. His hand disappears inside the blanket.

When he finally reaches me, he is looking right into my eyes. His grin is replaced by a frown. “I am so
so sorry I took off, princess.”

I’m kind of freaking out right now, because when Storm takes my hands in his, I notice that his hands are as translucent as mine.

“Wow, princess. Put your eyes back in your head. You act like you’ve never seen a ghost before.”

I blink these fake eyes of mine and open my mouth to speak. I’m surprised when a sound comes out of my throat. I wasn’t expecting that.

“Are you more surprised that I can
see
you?” he asks. “Or are you surprised I’m here in the same form as you?”

“Why?” I eke out. But that’s all I can get out. I can’t form my thoughts into words.

“Why am I a ghost? Why am I here? Why did I leave?” His eyes peer deeper into mine. “There are a lot of whys you can be asking about. Care to clarify?”

Yes there are many questions I have for him, but the first one is the most obvious. “Why…why…” I concentrate on spitting out the words. “Why…are you…transparent?”

“Why am I a ghost?” He continues to hold my hands.

It’s odd. I know he’s holding my hands, and I like the feeling it gives me to have him holding them, but I can’t really
feel
his hands on mine. I nod in response to his question.

“How about I fill you in on why I left first,” he says seriously. “Maybe that’ll help me to explain it.”

He sits down on the edge of the bed, and I sit on the edge of the chair, reminding me of the last time I was in the hospital and he kissed me.

“I’m sorry I kissed you and left that day.” He presses his lips in a firm line. “My emotions just took over and I panicked.” Shaking his head, he continues. “I don’t like to feel helpless, Honor. And you being so sick and needing a heart, well, it left me feeling out of control. You needed help. I wanted to be the one to help you, and I couldn’t. Unless…well there was one way I knew I could help, but if I did it, I’d piss you off. And if I didn’t do it, you wouldn’t be around much longer. So I made the decision to piss you off.”

Because I’m thoroughly confused, I say nothing.

“Honor, I’m not sure if you realize this,” he says, taking hold of my hands again, “but you are the single most important person in my life. Since the first time I saw you in Math class, you took hold of my heart.” There’s a quick fluttering where my heart should be. “You’ve owned my heart ever since.” Storm stands, bringing me up with him. His transparent hands wrap around my face and neck. “So you see,” he kisses me on the lips, sending a tingle through my phantom limbs, “there really was no choice for me. I had to leave for a while, not to decide if I could actually do it, but to decide if I could let you live the rest of your life with the decision I made without your consent.”

Storm pulls me under his chin. His words are so cryptic that I can’t figure out the puzzle he’s throwing at me.

“I hope one day you’ll understand why I did what I did and you’ll forgive me. But it is only because of how deep my love is for you that I did it.” He kisses the top of my head and leaves his lips there.

Concentrating really hard to speak, because it’s hard for me in this form, I open my mouth. “I don’t understand.” I speak into his neck.

“You’ll understand soon, my love.” Though it seems unlikely he could do it, he squeezes me tighter.

“Storm?”

“Yeah, princess?” he says above my head.

“Why are you here…like this?” I pull away, running my disappearing hand slowly through his body. “Like my grandfather and parents were when I saw their souls release.”

After a long silence, he speaks. “I gave you my heart, princess,” he says, looking like he wants to cry. “Because I know you’ll take good care of it.”

“Storm?”

“It’s time to go, angel. I’m fading.”

He is. His transparent form is disappearing.

“No, Storm. Please.”

“I gotta go.” He moves his hand back and forth. “Look, I’m fading.”

Then he starts moving backwards toward the door.

Confused, he looks up at the ceiling. “It’s up or down, Old Man. Backwards is not an option.”

What is going on?

Storm drops his head and turns toward the door. “I gotta go fight whatever they’re doing out there, princess.” He turns his head to look at me. “I love you, you know?”

I nod, still puzzled. “I know.”

Since it’s finally sinking in what Storm has done, I race to the door, struggling to turn the knob. Then it occurs to me. I’m a ghost. I can probably walk
through
the door. When I do, there is a whole mass of people huddled around something on the floor. I realize that it must be Storm, so I move closer. No one sees me.

It
is
Storm.

Lying dead and bloodied on the floor.

My hand immediately covers my mouth.
Oh my God, what has he done?

His face is covered in blood and the paramedics are working vigilantly to start his heart and stop the blood. The one side of his face is completely gone.

In front of his dead body, Storm’s soul is kneeling. When he catches me standing over them, he blows me a kiss, but I want to look away. Seeing him lying on the floor in his own pool of blood is making me hurt all over. I don’t have a body, how can I hurt? But it does, deep inside my chest. If only I could heal him again and make it all better.

From the corner of my eye, I see a ruckus. Ethan is shouting and pushing his way through three security guards who are keeping him from getting close.

“No. No,” I scream. “Let him in. Let him through. He can save him.”

But nobody hears me. No one except Storm. “Stop it, princess,” he says from the floor. “This is the only way you can survive.”

A few moments ago, before Storm showed up in my room, I had no desire to survive. But now, now that I know he loves me. I have every desire to live. “Storm, you don’t understand,” I shout, trying to be heard over the crowd. “I don’t need your heart…”

“Yes you do,” he interrupts. “You need to live, Honor. I won’t let you die.” He stands to be at eye level with me.

“They have a heart for me, Storm. I don’t need yours.” I cry, because I realize it’s too late for him. Even if Ethan got to him, he couldn’t heal him. He can’t bring him back from the dead. Storm had said I was the only one that could do that.

I fall to my knees and sob. No tears spill, but my body convulses on the floor. If Storm can’t be brought back to life, then I don’t want that new heart. “Storm,” I call through my sobs, “I’ll stay here with you. I won’t take the heart. I’ll fight them. We can be together, just you and me…no more pain, no more games, no more anything to keep us apart,” I cry out loud.

He floats over his dead body, stepping on air. His lip quirks as he heads straight for me, not dropping eye contact. Again, his hands reach for mine, and he pulls them to his chest. “They found a heart?”

I nod. “Yes.”

“You didn’t need mine?”

I shake my head. “No.”

His head drops in regret. He killed himself for me unnecessarily. And now we can’t be together.

Looking back up at me, his face pained, he says, “It’s not your time to die, beautiful. There’s so much more out there for you.” He’s practically crying. “You need to accept that heart. Your parents need you.”

My parents. The whole reason my decision is a challenge. But I love Storm more. I don’t want to live a life without him in it. “But I need
you
.” I reach up to kiss his mouth.

“And I need
you
to stay here on Earth, baby. Live. You have a second chance.”

“But it hurts too much,” I cry.

Storm sighs. “And you’ve had enough?”

“I’ve had enough.”

He nods his head and envelopes me in his arms, where I feel safer than I’ve ever been.

“I love you, princess.”

“I love you too, Storm.”

A loud crash cuts off our hug. We turn to see a metal cart turned on its side and Ethan scurrying through the parted crowd. “I need to get to my brother,” he demands in a voice so deep, it’s frightening. He spares no one as he pushes through every medical person in his way.

“You need to let him touch him,” I hear Shelby yell. “He can heal him. He really can. He can bring him back to life.”

Everyone stops what they’re doing to look at her. “Really. He can.”

A security guard comes barreling at Ethan, but Shelby blocks him and Tamlin takes him down. Holy crow. Tamlin just took down a two-hundred pound man. She’s actually straddling him and punching him in the chest. This causes enough disturbance to free up Storm for Ethan.

“What are you doing, loser?” Storm asks, moving away from me. But of course, Ethan can’t hear him.

Ethan leans over Storm and puts both his hands on either side of Storm’s face. He pulls his body over Storm and straddles him much like Tamlin is straddling the guard. If this weren’t such a sad and disturbed scene, it would be quite comical. Ethan squeezes his eyes shut. “Come on, Storm,” he chants. “Come back to me brother. Honor needs you.”

Storm looks at me. I shrug.

“Come on. Come on,” Ethan continues, while running one of his hands over the wound and bringing the other to Storm’s heart.

“Dammit,” Storm says to me. “I’m fading again. He’s doing it, Honor.” Storm comes back and holds my hands. “Fight it, baby. Don’t let me go.”

“But…but if he can save you…then maybe…when I get that new heart…I can still be with you,” I say hopefully.

“You want to go back?” Storm shakes his head. “You wanna live with all that pain again?” He holds my neck and runs his thumb over my lips.

I nod. “I do. If it means being with you. I do. And then I don’t have to break my parents’ hearts.”

His lips touch my mouth and then he backs away. Storm’s image fades in front of me as he slinks back into his physical body. “Don’t let me down, princess,” he calls out, though I can no longer see him. “Don’t fight that heart, baby.”

The disfigured side of Storm’s face begins to conglutinate, almost as if by magic. With my hands over my mouth, I watch Ethan struggle to bring Storm back to life. The medical people stand with mouths dropped, in awe of the miracle taking place in front of them.

And then it hits me…the government. With everything going on with Storm, I completely forgot that I may not have a life to go back to. And when the government hears about
this
, Ethan will be taken away with me. Oh my God.

I float over to Storm’s body and try to push at Ethan. Storm said you just have to concentrate, so I do. I close my eyes hard and will myself to push Ethan away from Storm. But another commotion behind me breaks my concentration. Again I close my eyes and force my will on Ethan with my transparent hands. “Ethan, leave him alone,” I yell.

It must be too late, because Storm’s soul is not returning.

“Storm…Storm…,” I yell. “Don’t let him heal you. No. I’ll stay here. I won’t take the heart. You can’t let him heal you.” I’m screaming in vain. Storm can’t hear me. But I cannot let Ethan bring him back to life. I wouldn’t be able to be with him anyway. Not if the CIA is going to take me away. “Storm. Please. I DON’T WANT TO LIVE.”

I push at Ethan one last time before I hear what’s going on behind me. Turning toward my hospital room door, I see them wheeling me out of the room.

I’m getting my new heart.