The Honourable Army Doc (15 page)

‘Will you be back from Queensland then?’

‘Mm-hmm.’

Something about his noncommittal response set off alarm bells in Ali’s head. She felt a snap as another piece of her heart broke. He was keeping something from her. Had he already made his decision? What wasn’t he telling her? There was only one way to find out.

‘Do you have any idea what you might decide?’ she asked.

His azure eyes had gone a shade darker. When they weren’t at their brilliant best she knew something was wrong. She was sure something was bothering him.

He shook his head. ‘No, that’s partly the reason for this trip. Everyone is struggling with being in the house now that Julieanne is gone. Helen has gone to Hong Kong to stay with her sister and I think we all need a break. I know I need to make some decisions about the future but I don’t think I’m in the right environment to do that. I need to take a step away.’

‘Away from what?’

‘Away from here, before this starts to feel permanent. I need to work out what’s best for my family.’

‘I see.’

‘Do you?’

Ali nodded. ‘You need to get away from the memories and the history. It’s the right decision. You need to find a place where the three of you can be happy.’ Another crack opened in her heart and Ali felt as though someone had slid a knife into it. She waited for the knife to be twisted.

‘But I’d like you to come too.’

‘Why?’

‘I’m happy when I’m with you and I would like to see where our relationship could go. No one knows us up there, there’d be no expectations about how I should be feeling, about how we should be behaving. Do you think you could manage a week away?’ he seemed to be forgetting that his daughters would be there too. They might have some expectations. She wondered if he was worried about having his daughters all to himself. Was he worried about managing? He’d mentioned concerns regarding that a few times. Did he see her as a substitute nanny with sexual privileges or as something more? She didn’t know. All she knew was that she couldn’t go with him. She couldn’t afford to get pulled back into his life.

‘I can’t go with you. It would leave the clinic shortstaffed.’

‘You could organise a locum if you wanted to.’

She knew he was right, she could organise a locum if she wanted to join him badly enough, but she needed to be strong. ‘Our patients have had the run-around lately, with doctors coming and going,’ she told him, ‘and, besides, the locum we had is going on holiday…Where
am I going to find another one at such short notice?’ Did he think she could just run off with him at his fancy?

At least he had the good grace to look sheepish at leaving them in the lurch.

‘Would you at least consider it? If you can find a locum, you could join me in a week.’

She had no intention of running away with him, no matter how tempting it sounded. She didn’t want a fling and she certainly wasn’t prepared to be a nanny with benefits. But if he’d made her a different offer, if he told her he loved her, that he couldn’t live without her, that she was all he needed to make his life complete, she knew she’d be on the first plane to Queensland. But there were no such declarations. There were no promises of everlasting love. There was no happily-ever-after in sight.

‘I can’t go with you,’ she repeated, and she felt the knife twist in her heart.

‘It’s just a holiday.’ His body looked relaxed as he almost lounged in the chair but his eyes were intense as he looked at her.

It was her turn to feel nervous now and she felt herself wanting to squirm under the intensity of his gaze. ‘I know.’ It was just one week and that was the problem. He wasn’t making any promises about the future.

‘Is this about Scott?’ he asked. ‘Because I want to apologise for my behaviour. I was an ass. What happened between the two of you is none of my business.’

‘No.’ She shook her head and forced herself to maintain eye contact. It was important that he hear her this
time and believed her. ‘This has nothing to do with Scott. I’ve moved on.’

Ali was grieving for the babies she would never give birth to and the life she would never have with Quinn. Scott’s rejection was nothing compared to that.

‘So it’s just about me?’

She could tell him what it was about. This was her chance. But she didn’t want to see his face when she told him. She didn’t want to see his face when his perception of her changed. She didn’t want to see that realisation in his eyes, that moment when he learnt she was flawed. So she took the coward’s way out. She stayed silent. She nodded.

‘Okay. I guess that’s important to know.’

He stood up and called to the girls.

The alarm bells were pounding in her head. She watched him leave, not knowing when or if she’d see him again. He didn’t say goodbye, he didn’t look at her, and Ali knew this was the final blow. Her head felt like it was exploding as her heart shattered.

Quinn had been gone for a week. Ali had tried to keep occupied but work wasn’t proving to be the distraction it usually was. Her brother and his wife were visiting from Melbourne for the weekend and she hoped they might provide her with the diversion she so desperately craved. But she hadn’t bargained on having to deal with the news they brought with them.

Ali stared blankly at her brother, unsure whether she’d heard him correctly. Was this the reason for the
visit? Had he just told her they were expecting their first baby?

She had thought her week couldn’t get any worse, but it turned out she was wrong.

‘Ali, I’m sorry,’ Tomas said. ‘We didn’t know how to tell you. Kim thought it would be best coming from me.’

Tomas had got up early and cornered her in the kitchen. Cornered was probably a harsh description but that was how she felt. But they had always been close, he was only eighteen months older than her and had always been protective, and Ali knew this situation must be hard for him, and she wasn’t going to make it any worse.

‘Don’t be silly. I’m happy for you, really. Congratulations.’ Ali stepped forward and gave her brother a hug. She was happy for him, he and Kim would be fabulous parents. She’d known it was inevitable that they would have a family and hearing about other people’s pregnancies was something she’d have to learn to deal with.

Kim’s pregnancy wasn’t unexpected but she did wonder why it had to happen now, on top of everything else that was going on in her life. But this pregnancy wasn’t about her and she would do her best to say all the right things. She was surprised, though, to find how much it hurt. She hadn’t thought her heart was capable of hurting any more. She’d thought Quinn had done a good job of breaking it irreparably but there was obviously a tiny bit left and this news had pierced what little remained.

Her phone buzzed on the kitchen bench as she released her brother from her hug. Quinn’s name appeared on the screen. She couldn’t imagine what he could want
or that she’d happily answer a call from him but it gave her the perfect excuse not to prolong this conversation.

‘I have to take this,’ she said, ‘but tell Kim I’ll come and find her as soon as I’m finished. It’s good news, Tomas, you’ll be wonderful parents.’

Ali answered her phone as she climbed the stairs. She needed the privacy of her own room as she didn’t think she could hold it together for much longer.

‘Hi, how are you?’ Quinn’s voice was the final straw. He sounded as though he actually cared about the answer.

Ali burst into tears.

‘Ali? What’s wrong?’

‘My brother’s wife is pregnant. I’m going to be an auntie.’

‘Congratulations. They’re happy tears, then?’

‘No,’ she hiccoughed. ‘I don’t want to be an auntie.’

‘Why on earth not?’

‘Because I want to be the one having babies.’

She was trying to be happy for Tomas, she really was, but she was also envious. Actually, if she was honest she’d admit she was insanely jealous and suddenly it all become too much. She couldn’t keep it inside her any longer. It all came flooding out. All her heartache and broken dreams poured out of her in a torrent directed at Quinn. ‘All around me people are having the life I thought I wanted. My ex-boyfriend is getting married, my brother is having a baby, you’re off finding yourself or whatever it is you’re doing, and here am I, still here, doing the same things I’ve been doing for years and will be doing for the rest of my life,’ she said between sobs.

‘I invited you to come with me.’

‘I know.’ She knew she sounded like a selfish cow but her life sucked.

‘You have plenty of time to have a family of your own.’

‘No, actually, I don’t,’ she said. ‘It’s not that simple. There won’t be any pregnancies, accidental or otherwise, for me.’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘I can’t have children. Not naturally.’

‘What?’

‘I’ve had a hysterectomy.’

‘What? When? Why?’

‘It was the beginning of this year.’

There was silence at the other end of the line. A long silence and Ali was just about to ask if he was still there when he spoke.

‘What was wrong?’

‘Fibroids.’

More silence.

‘But a full hysterectomy? What about a myomectomy?’

‘I tried that first but the fibroids grew back and I had such severe menorrhagia that it was unlikely I would ever fall pregnant as an embryo would never be able to implant successfully. It was the biggest decision I’ve ever had to make but I still have my ovaries. I thought even if I couldn’t get pregnant that would leave me other options, other ways of becoming a mother, and that was all I ever wanted.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me before?’

That wasn’t the question he should be asking. The question really should be why was she telling him now? But she knew why. She knew why she’d chosen this moment and it had nothing to do with timing, it was all about geography. She could still remember the way Scott had looked at her. The look that had said she was flawed, that she was less of a woman. She didn’t want to see that look in Quinn’s eyes too, she couldn’t handle that. It was much better to tell him when she didn’t have to look at him. Or him at her.

But that’s not what she told Quinn. ‘There never seemed to be the right time and I wasn’t sure if we had that sort of relationship,’ she said.

‘What sort?’

‘The sort where I would burden you with my troubles.’

‘That’s exactly the sort of relationship I thought we had.’ Quinn’s deep voice thundered through the phone and Ali had to hold the phone away from her ear before his next sentence was delivered in a far quieter manner. ‘You know all the intimate details of my life and I feel I know nothing about you.’

She hadn’t wanted him to know all about her.

‘I
wish I could be there for you,’ he said.

That’s your choice
, she thought, but she kept silent. She couldn’t get into a long discussion now. She couldn’t lay her soul bare any more, she had shared enough secrets for one day. She didn’t want to hear any platitudes from Quinn. He would need time to absorb the information and then she would see what he would do with it. Then she would know what sort of
man he was. ‘I have to go,’ she told him. ‘I have to go and congratulate my sister-in-law.’

Ali had hoped that telling Quinn would ease her fears but she realised that until she knew what his reaction was, those fears remained. Until she knew what sort of man he was she wasn’t going to be able to relax and, as it turned out, he wasn’t the man she’d hoped for.

The following day the blows kept coming. Ali was driving past Julieanne’s house when a sign caught her eye. Mounted in front of the fence was a ‘For Sale’ sign.

Quinn must have decided not to return.

That was the final blow.

He wasn’t coming back.

The last, tiny piece that remained of her heart popped like a bubble and there was nothing left.

Ali and Quinn

A
LI’S WORST FEARS
were realised. Quinn knew the truth and now it was over.

It had been two weeks since he had taken the girls to Queensland, six days since she’d spoken to him and five days since Julieanne’s house had been put on the market. In a perfect world he would have been back today. In a perfect world he would have declared his undying love and devotion to her despite her flaws. But it seemed her world was far from perfect.

Still, she couldn’t resist driving past Julieanne’s house on her way home from work in the hope that Quinn would be there. She drove past every day, hoping to find he’d decided to return.

Thinking she might never see Quinn again was far worse than knowing she’d never be pregnant. That pain paled in comparison with the thought that Quinn was lost to her. He was the love of her life. There were other ways she could become a mother but there was only one
Quinn. He was the one she’d been waiting for. He was the one with the power to break her heart.

But today was just like every other day. There was nothing to see. The house sat and stared at her. It was empty and dark. There was no sign of life, no sign of Quinn.

Ali drove on past the neighbour’s house until something registered in her subconscious. Something was different. She reversed her car and took a proper look.

The ‘For Sale’ sign now had a big yellow sticker across it that read ‘Sold’.

It was over.

He wasn’t coming back.

‘Alisha, there’s someone at the door for you.’

Malika’s voice carried up the stairs to Ali’s room. As she came downstairs she saw her mother walking down the hallway with Quinn’s daughters in tow.

‘Come, girls, I’m baking a cake, you can help me,’ Malika was saying.

Ali frowned. What were Beth and Eliza doing here?

As she stepped into the hall from the staircase it dawned on her. There was only one reason why the twins would be here.

She turned to her left.

Quinn stood in the doorway.

His broad shoulders filled the frame. She absorbed the sight of him, all glorious six feet of him, from the tips of his blond hair to his busted nose to his powerful thighs. He was wearing a pale blue polo shirt that made his brilliant blue eyes seem darker than usual, his gorgeous
arms were lightly tanned and his muscular chest strained against the fabric of his shirt.

She’d almost forgotten how gorgeous he was.

Her heart was pounding, leaving her breathless and light-headed. Her hands were shaky and she suspected her knees were too.

He was back.

‘What are you doing here?’ Her voice shook as she asked the question.

‘I came to see you. We need to talk.’

His voice was rich and deep and rumbled through her.

‘I don’t think there’s anything left to say.’

‘Believe me, there’s plenty,’ he said, as he stepped into the house and closed the gap between them. Ali could feel all her cells straining towards him as the air crackled with tension.

‘You’d better come in, then,’ she said, as she raised one eyebrow and stepped back, trying to break the invisible connection.

She led him into the lounge. The same room where they had sat after Julieanne had died, but this time he didn’t need to sit by the fire. He folded himself into a couch.

Her heart was in her throat and her hands were clammy.

‘Can I get you something?’ she asked. ‘Tea?’ Nervousness was making her throat dry and her voice was tight and forced.

‘No. Thank you.’ His words were short and clipped, making her wonder if he was unsettled too.

His uncertainty relaxed her enough to let her perch on the same couch as him, albeit at the opposite end.

‘I would have been here sooner,’ he said, ‘but I couldn’t get all three of us on the same flight.’

‘Sooner?’ Her voice was squeaky.

‘Yes. I needed to talk to you but I wasn’t going to have the conversation over the phone. Some things are best said face to face.’

She thought she knew what was coming but it wasn’t anything she wanted to hear. She didn’t want to have this conversation. Not again. She’d told him everything he needed to know and she’d seen his reaction. She’d seen the ‘For Sale’ sign go up on Julieanne’s house almost before she’d hung up the phone.

She went on the offensive. ‘You didn’t waste any time putting the house on the market. You didn’t need to tell me in person that you’re not coming back.’

‘You think our conversation was the catalyst for that?’

‘Wasn’t it?’

‘No. I was ringing you that day to tell you I was going to sell the house, but you completely sidetracked me with your news and I forgot. I can’t believe you waited until you could tell me over the phone about what you’ve been through, but that wasn’t what prompted me to sell the house. I bought that house for Julieanne and the children. I don’t want to live there, it was never mine. There was nothing in it that belongs to me, there was nothing of any value to me there except for my daughters. It had to be sold. I signed the contract today.’

‘Are you buying something else?’ Ali could feel her
hopes rising. Maybe he was planning on staying. ‘Are you taking the job at the clinic?’ It had been two weeks and she knew he’d promised her mother an answer.

Quinn was shaking his head and with each shake Ali’s hopes deflated.

‘No. General practice isn’t for me. I miss the autonomy and pressure of army medicine. I’ve been offered a permanent defence force posting.’

‘Is the posting here?’

‘No. Brisbane.’

So nothing had changed. He definitely wasn’t coming back.

‘This was Julieanne’s life,’ he explained. ‘I was only here for the girls and they are happy in Brisbane. We need the change of scenery, a fresh start. The only reason I have come back, the only reason I would stay if I had to, is for you.’

‘For me?’

His statement took her by surprise, so much so that she didn’t object when he moved closer on the couch and took her hands in his. ‘I don’t want to live Julieanne’s life but I don’t want my old life back either. I want a new life. With you. Responsibility and duty have been the two words that have defined my life. It started when I was trying to live up to the responsibility of being the perfect son, so desperate for my father’s approval, and escalated ten years ago when Julieanne fell pregnant. I will always have the responsibility of Beth and Eliza but I have done my duty by Julieanne and now it is time to start again. I want to take the girls to Queensland but I want you there with us.’

She could hear what he was saying but she couldn’t make sense of it. Not yet. ‘But my life is here.’

‘It doesn’t have to be.’

Ali pulled her hands from Quinn’s hold. She couldn’t think straight while he was touching her. His hands on her skin still had the power to send her blood racing around her body, bringing every cell and nerve ending to life, and it was impossible to think clearly when all she wanted was to let him take her in his arms.

‘You want me to leave my life here to move to Queensland with you?’ She took a deep breath and tried to focus on what he had said. ‘As what? Your girlfriend? A nanny with benefits?’

He was shaking his head. ‘A permanent posting with the army means no overseas assignments, no transfers. I’ll be home every night. I don’t need a girlfriend or a nanny, although I do like the sound of the benefits.’ He grinned and her heart flip-flopped. ‘When I met you my life split into two. There was “Before Ali” and “After Ali” but I don’t want the “after” part to mean after our relationship has ended. I want it to mean after you came into my life and stayed there. I want it to mean “with you”. I need you. I want a partner, a lover, a soul mate, a friend, a wife. I want you.’ He paused and took her hands again and she didn’t resist. ‘I love you.’

‘You love me?’

‘Of course I love you,’ he said, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. As if it wasn’t the most unexpected thing for her to hear. ‘I knew the day I met you that you are the person I am supposed to spend the rest
of my life with. I want to share my life with you. I want you to share your life with me. I want you to marry me.’

‘Marry you?’

‘Yes. I want you to be my wife. But on one condition. We don’t keep secrets from each other. You have to tell me all your secrets in person, no more hiding behind long-distance phone calls. You have to trust me.’

‘I don’t have any more secrets to share but I can’t marry you.’ She wished it was different. She knew she could have everything she wanted with Quinn but she also knew it wouldn’t be enough for him.

‘You’re not already married, are you?’

Ali shook her head.

‘Well, then, of course you can marry me. If you want to. I know I’m asking you for a lot. To give up your life here and move with me, but I promise I will make you happy.’

‘It’s not that.’

‘Are you still worried about it being too soon? I’m a divorcee, not a widower, and I have been for a long time. Long enough to know what I want and I want you. I need you. I want to marry you and I don’t care what anyone else thinks. Julieanne even gave us her blessing so that means the girls are the only ones who are allowed to object and I know they won’t, they adore you.’

‘Julieanne
knew about us?’

‘No, she suspected I had feelings for you and encouraged me to act on those. She wanted me to be happy. I need you for that. You have to marry me.’

‘I can’t,’ she said, and her heart split apart a little more with each word as she tried to explain. ‘I always
thought I’d grow up, have a career, get married and juggle motherhood and medicine. I always dreamt of being a mother one day. I never imagined I’d be childless and probably single, that work would be my only constant, but that’s how my life was turning out. And then I met you and I knew I’d been waiting for you all my life. I would give up everything I have and everything I’ve ever dreamt of having just to have you. I love you but I can’t marry you.’

‘Why on earth not? Love is the perfect reason.’

‘It’s
because
I love you. I know you want more children and I can’t give you that. After my hysterectomy everything changed. My heart aches for the children I will never bear. It hurts but I know your love could ease that ache. I know that you can heal me but I can’t give you what you want.

‘I can still remember the way Scott looked when he told me he was leaving because his dream of becoming a father was to do it the traditional way, with a pregnant wife. In my own eyes I was less of a woman because I no longer had a womb but to know that
he
saw me the same way…I don’t ever want you to look at me the way he did. With a look that said I was flawed. I couldn’t stand to see that look in your eyes. You would be choosing me over a baby and I don’t want you to regret that choice. I want to be enough for you but I know I won’t be.’

Quinn’s fingers brushed her cheek. Her skin felt damp under his touch but she wasn’t aware until that moment that she was crying. Another tear spilled from her lashes and ran down her cheek. Quinn leant forward
and kissed it away. His lips were warm and gentle and made her wish things were different. He moved closer and pressed his lips to hers. This kiss was soft and she could taste the salt from her tears. He wrapped his arms around her and there was nowhere else in the world she wanted to be. Ever.

He was the love of her life, could they have for ever?

‘I know what I’m doing,’ he whispered. ‘Nothing is more important to me than my daughters and you. I know how lucky I am to have my girls and I want you to share my life with me. I will choose you every time and I will never regret it.

‘I know I said I’d like to do it all again and, yes, I would like to think I could do a better job the second time round, but I won’t do it without you. I don’t
want
to do it without you. You are the love of my life. You are the person I am supposed to be with. I’m not giving up anything to be with you. If you marry me, I am gaining everything. I want you to choose to become part of my family but I don’t want you to give up your dreams for me. I want to help you make them come true. We should get married because we love each other and everything else we will work out together. If we decide we want to extend our family, we will do that together. If you need to have children of your own, we will explore our options together. We can adopt. Or investigate surrogacy.’

‘You would do that for me?’

‘Of course. I would do anything for you.’

‘You don’t think I’m flawed?’

He sat back, releasing her from his embrace, and considered her with his azure eyes. ‘I think you are perfect.
A woman is not defined by her anatomy. Your surgery does not take away the fact that you are gorgeous, kind, smart and loyal and I am desperately in love with you. The only thing wrong with you is you seem to be having trouble making a decision, and I don’t think I can stand much more of this. I love you and I want to make a life with you. We are perfect for each other. We belong together. Please say you’ll marry me.’

Ali could feel Quinn’s words putting her heart back together again, connecting all the shattered pieces, and suddenly everything seemed so clear and simple. The answer was obvious.

‘Yes,’ she said. There was nothing else she
could
say. There was nothing else she wanted other than to spend the rest of her life with this man. ‘Yes, I will marry you. I don’t know how I ever thought I could live without you. I love you.’

‘Thank you. I promise to be the best husband you can possibly imagine. For ever,’ he said, before claiming her lips with his.

Ali melted into him. Giving herself up to him utterly and completely. She loved him more than she’d ever thought was possible and it was the most amazing feeling in the world.