The House of Vandekar (16 page)

‘Yes, madam,' Lily said, and saw them looking at each other.

‘I'm glad, she thought. I'm glad she's happy. Hugo telephoned at the end of the week to say he was coming home on embarkation leave.

‘It won't be for long,' Alice said. ‘It's only ten days.'

‘It'll seem like ten years,' Nick told her. ‘He'll be with you, holding you …'

Alice stroked his hair. She didn't mind him nestling against her naked breasts. ‘Don't worry about that. We haven't slept together for years. Not since Fern was a baby.'

He raised his head. ‘I can't believe that … No man would live in the same house with you and not want you, every day and every night.'

‘I didn't want him,' she admitted. ‘It wasn't Hugo's fault. It was mine. You know, my love, I'm not much good at it. You just don't complain, that's all.'

‘You're wonderful,' he insisted. ‘You need time, my darling, and someone to teach you. Every time you come to me a little more. Don't you know that?'

She whispered, ‘I hope so. I want to – I want to make you happy more than anything in the world.'

‘You do,' he said. ‘You're my whole life. I'm sorry for your husband, but I'm jealous of him too. He's going to be with you for ten days and I can't see you.'

‘Oh yes, you can,' she promised. ‘I'll find time – he won't be with me every minute. I'll come to you whenever I can. But we can't go to bed. Not while he's in the house. I don't want to cheat him more than I can help, Nick, and I don't want to feel guilty about what we're doing. I don't give a damn what anyone thinks, but I'm not going to hurt Hugo. I've hurt him enough as it is. He'll be fighting in North Africa. He could be killed. I've got to make this leave happy for him, darling. I owe him that. We have all the time in the world afterwards.'

‘Mother and Phillip are coming down next weekend,' Hugo said. ‘He's on embarkation leave too. Poor Mother's so upset – I thought it would be nice if she had some time with both of us and saw Fern. I hope you don't mind. I didn't want to cut into my leave by going down to Sussex.'

‘Of course I don't mind,' Alice said. ‘I'll be happy to have them both. I didn't know about Phillip – do you know where he's going?'

Hugo shook his head. He was surprised by her reaction. She didn't like his mother and dismissed his brother as a mummy's boy. And he knew that she never pretended. She smiled at him, as if she could read his thoughts, and said. ‘I'll make sure they have a happy visit, Hugo. It must be awful for poor Beatrice, losing both of you at the same time.'

She's changed so much, he thought. The selfishness that was ruining her character had given place to warmth and compassion. The hard edges were blurred, the brittle attitude to life and its purpose had changed so dramatically that it actually showed in her face. She's more beautiful now than when I first met her. And I love her as much as I ever did. I can admit that now, when I'm going to leave her, perhaps for ever, if I'm unlucky. He said, ‘Alice, Celia and I are finished. I wanted you to know that.'

‘Oh?' He saw a slight flush come into her face. ‘Why – any particular reason?'

‘I didn't want to say goodbye with that between us,' he answered.

Alice hesitated. ‘Did she mind?'

‘No. She understood perfectly. She was never in love with me. And I never loved her. It was just an – arrangement.'

‘Oh,' Alice said again. I know what this means, she thought, and panic welled up in her. I know what he's leading up to, and why he's got rid of her after all these years …

She got up and said quickly, ‘Why don't I call Beatrice and say how much I'm looking forward to having her. Wouldn't that be nice?'

He got up too and came towards her. There was something so vulnerable in his face that she stopped trying to run away. He didn't touch her.

‘Alice, won't you come back to me … just until I leave? You mean so much to me.'

‘It's because you want another child,' she countered. ‘You can't feel anything for me after all this time. And after the way I've treated you.'

‘I don't care about a child,' he said. ‘That can wait until I come back and the war's over. I want you, Alice. I love you – I've never stopped loving you. No other woman has ever meant anything to me or ever will.'

He was so proud, she thought, so reserved. Seeing him beg was too much for her to bear. She had given everything to another man. Her eyes filled with tears as she reached out to him.

‘Of course we'll be together,' she said. ‘So long as I don't disappoint you all over again.'

He held her in his arms. He didn't kiss her. She couldn't see his face.

‘Thank you, my darling,' was all he said.

It was the morning at last. She hadn't slept. The ten days were over, his mother and brother had gone. Some of it seemed like a dream. Beatrice Vandekar looked so old suddenly, and Phillip in his uniform was a different man. He was a pilot, wings on his left breast and a funny moustache. She kept looking at him and thinking, he's going to be killed. I can feel it.

And Hugo going down to the cellar for champagne and opening it to drink a family toast. ‘To all of us, and to the end of this damned war.' Fern sitting primly on the sofa, next to her grandmother, with that shut expression on her face whenever Alice spoke to her. That child hates me, she realized, and was shocked. Lily laying out clothes she hadn't worn since war broke out, because Hugo wanted her to look her best, to pretend that things hadn't changed and would never be the same again. ‘I want to put the clock back,' he'd said, ‘I want to see you and Ashton as I've always known it.' So the silver was brought out and cleaned, the dining room opened up and stripped of dustsheets. They pretended, all of them, and it was as much for his younger brother, Alice knew, as for Hugo himself. They stood in their old-fashioned evening clothes and drank that toast, then kissed each other afterwards like voyagers setting out on a journey with no known end.

And Hugo made love to her and told her how much he loved her. But his need was too strong, too menacing in its masculinity. Nothing changed for either of them. Alice endured it out of pity and guilt, but it was a dreadful ordeal.

She got up quietly so as not to wake him. The house was still; it was just before six and the day nurses hadn't come on duty. Alice opened the window onto their balcony. It was chill and a mist rose from the distant lake. She stood for a moment and shivered. It was so beautiful, so peaceful.

She thought, I may never see him again after today. I can't imagine that. I've hated him, or tried to hate him, and hated myself because of the way things were between us. And I've betrayed him, as he betrayed me.

And yet I can't think of life without him. I can't think what lies ahead for any of us. But I don't want him to be killed – dear God, don't let that happen. Or hurt like the poor boys I've tried to comfort. He mustn't be diminished, mutilated. He wouldn't be Hugo Vandekar any more.

She was freezing in the misty air and she went inside, closing the door. She got back into bed, but she couldn't get warm.

When she woke it was mid-morning. She rang for Lily. ‘Look at the time! For God's sake, why didn't you wake me?'

‘Mr Hugo said I was to let you sleep. Now here's your tea, madam, and stop shouting at me, I only did what I was told. He left this for you.'

It was a short note. She sat up in bed and still felt cold. ‘My darling, I didn't want to wake you. I didn't want to say goodbye. Thank you for making me so happy these last few days. I love you always. Hugo.'

He was gone. God knew when she would hear from him or see him again.

‘You can come in for a while,' Lily said, ‘But you mustn't stay long. She's not out of the wood yet.' She opened the door and stood aside to let Nick Armstrong into Alice's room. ‘Not too long, mind,' Lily insisted. ‘She mustn't get tired.'

‘Don't worry, Lily. I won't be more than a few minutes. I just want to see her, that's all.'

Half the time, Lily grumbled to herself, I've been running round looking after him as well as my lady. Carrying on and trying to get upstairs to see her, and her delirious and calling out for him … She was exhausted, what with nursing Alice and fighting the real nurse who had been sent in to look after her, and keeping
him
from going out of his mind with worry downstairs. A right pair they were, the two of them. If that was what being in love was, thank God she hadn't come across it.

Alice was propped up on a heap of pillows. She looked very thin and white. But when she saw him she raised herself up and held out her arms.

‘Oh, Nick, Nick darling! No, you mustn't kiss me … you might catch it.'

He didn't listen to her. Lily saw them embrace and closed the door on them.

It had been a terribly anxious time. First she'd gone down with a cough and a temperature. Wouldn't go to bed, wouldn't take any notice. Wouldn't, typically, admit that she was very ill until she collapsed in Armstrong's room, and they had to carry her out of there and send for Dr Banks. Nice lot of gossip that caused. Thank God that old bitch Nanny was long gone. The nursery guv was not much better – just as nosy, in Lily's opinion, but slimier, always buttering up her lady and saying what a little sweetheart Miss Fern was. Lily couldn't abide the child. She hadn't even asked after her mother. When she did come down to the sickroom, she just stood there like a pudding and stared. Pneumonia, Dr Banks said. Double pneumonia he said later, and he looked extremely worried. Luckily she was very strong and healthy. But you never knew with these things, once the lungs were attacked.

Lily had sat up night after night with her, listening to the rasping breathing, wondering what she would do if Alice died. Because Lily wasn't fooled. She knew what double pneumonia meant. Her own mother had died of it. And she'd been a sturdy woman with never a day's illness before in her life.

Mr Hugo's mother came down. She didn't seem able to cope, what with both her boys gone to fight abroad. She fussed and flustered around for a few days and then went home again. She seemed old and dithery, and Lily was sorry for her, but glad to see her go. She'd spent a lot of time with that child, and it seemed to affect her.

Alice's mother was telegraphed and kept in constant touch with them. Lily would have been pleased to see her. Mr Hugo was somewhere at sea. His wife could have died without him even knowing. But she wasn't going to die now. Dr Banks said the rales in the chest were fading and her temperature was coming down. ‘She's a great fighter,' he said. ‘That's been a help, I can tell you. Last week I really thought we might have lost her. And,' turning to Lily, ‘it's time you took some time off, or I'll be doctoring you!'

Lily went to her room and had a long private weep with relief. Yes, she was tired out. She hadn't slept a full night through since Alice had been brought upstairs and put to bed. And now she could put Armstrong out of his misery. The last thing her lady needed was for him to have a relapse when she was getting well.

Well, she thought, they were together again. That'd help the both of them. She looked at her little gold watch. Ten minutes and she'd go back and turn him out. Dr Banks was adamant that his patient mustn't exert herself mentally; she must have complete quiet and rest until her temperature had been normal for at least a week.

‘I've been so worried about you,' Alice whispered. ‘Lily told me you were all right, but I was so worried.'

‘I was going mad, thinking about you,' Nick Armstrong said. ‘I felt so bloody useless, just sitting around, not able to see you or do anything. But you're better now, you're out of danger, my darling.' He kept clasping her hands, holding them so tightly that it hurt.

He looked ill, she thought anxiously. Ill and too thin, with those awful black hollows under his eyes. ‘Nick,' she said, ‘Nick darling, you mustn't worry any more. I'm fine, I just need time to get my strength back. But you've got to think of yourself. You're not to mope, I'll never forgive you if you do. It'll make me worse,' she threatened.

He said hastily, ‘I'm not moping, I promise. I'm taking walks every day, and I go in and play cards or chat to some of the chaps at night. I just miss you so much. That's the trouble. If only I could do something.'

‘You can,' Lily's voice was brisk. ‘You can let madam rest now and come back tomorrow, sir.'

Alice turned her head and looked at her. To Lily's delight there was a brief flash of the old spirit. ‘And you can shut up, Lily, and not talk to Mr Armstrong like that!'

She watched Lily usher him out and didn't protest any further. She felt so damnably weak. The least effort tired her out. The emotional tide running high between them had exhausted her.

‘I'm sorry, Lily,' she said. ‘I didn't mean that. You've been so wonderful to me.'

Lily went very red. ‘Somebody had to see that clodhopper of a nurse didn't kill you,' she said. ‘Didn't know how to bathe you properly. I caught her using carbolic soap! Imagine!'

Alice laughed and then began to cough. ‘Oh God, Lily, no wonder the British win wars, while they've got people like you …'

‘And you, madam. Dr Banks says you fought your way through it. A lot of others wouldn't have.'

For a moment they looked at each other. There was no need to say any more.

Alice closed her eyes. ‘I guess I could sleep for a while,' she said, and she did, while Lily sat in a chair and watched her.

Alice couldn't think why Dr Banks was smiling. She'd been out of bed for a week and was feeling stronger every day. Then, unaccountably, she nearly fainted after her bath. He was sent for and examined her.