The Illusion of Annabella (7 page)

No More Tears

Miller got caught anyway, and we both end up being hauled down the driveway by officers.

Hands cuffed behind his back and jeans covered in mud, he’s forced toward one of the three police cars parked out front. Neighbors have gathered to watch the scene. I wonder if any of them know me, if they’ve ever seen me in town at holiday gatherings in the park.

“I’m so sorry, Anna. I just didn’t know what to do,” Miller pleads with me as an officer guides him into the backseat.

I concentrate on the raindrops streaming down the glass until the officer drives toward town. I know I’m in a ton of trouble, way more than I ever have been.

I spend the next two hours trying to figure out how I feel about what happened. I want to feel indifferent, but under the sea of numbness, I still care that I’m ruining what’s left of my life and putting more stress on Loki. He’s always been a great big brother and like my father, he doesn’t deserve to be treated like crap.

When Loki shows up at the police station to pick me up, he’s wavering between disappointment and anger. He hardly says more than three words during the drive home and only acknowledges my existence when he parks the truck and shuts the headlights off.

His jaw is set tight as he strangles the steering wheel. “I have no idea what the heck to say to you,” he says quietly.

“Me either,” I mumble as I stare up at the stars. Oddly enough, after all the rain, the night sky is crystal clear, the calm after the storm.

If only that were true in life.

He scowls at me. “Do you realize how much trouble you’re in? God, you’re going to have to go to court, and since this isn’t you’re first time getting into trouble, they’re not going to go easy on you.” He shakes his head, puffing out a frustrated breath. “You’re grounded.”

“Okay.” My simple response seems to rile him up more, which wasn’t my intention.

“I’m being serious. No going out unless it’s to therapy. And no more hanging out with Miller.” He grits his teeth. “I know he played a huge part in this, even if you won’t admit it.”

I bite my tongue until I taste blood, but silence has nothing to do with Miller. I’m not even sure how I feel about him now. Never really did. He was supposed to be an escape from my life, the opposite of the kind, caring boys that I used to want to spend time with. I knew who he was when I met him, that chivalry wasn’t his thing. When he bailed to save his own ass, he was only being himself, which is more than I can say about me.

“Did you hear anything I just said?” Loki asks, growing even more frustrated when my lips remained fused. I want to say something, but I can’t figure out what the right thing is. Right and wrong? Do I even know the difference anymore? “Goddammit. I can’t take this anymore.” Jerking the keys out of the ignition, he shoves open the door.

I feel bad for upsetting him, but I also feel so hollow. Empty. Dead inside, rotting like corpse.

I silently wait for him to get out of the car. Knowing Loki, he’ll storm into the house and lock himself in his room until he cools off. Maybe by tomorrow, I can figure out something to say.

But he pauses before getting out, throwing me for a loop.

“I hate to say this, because I know how much it hurts you when I bring up Mom and Dad,” he mutters with his back to me, “but they’d be so disappointed in you.” His final words before he storms into the house.

Sorrow, rage, remorse, and so much more clips through my shield of numbness, and pain engulfs me. He’s right. If my parents were alive, they’d be so disappointed in me, and as much as I hate that it does, their opinion matters a lot—even my mom’s.

No longer wanting to feel the aching sadness, I punch the side of my leg until the muscles are sore, until physical pain overpowers the emotional pain. Then I get out of the car and drag my leg behind me as I head up the driveway. 

As I near the back door, a muffled voice catches my attention. It’s past midnight and the rest of the neighborhood is fast asleep. More curious than I want to be, I grip onto the railing and crane my neck to peer into the new neighbor’s yard.

Someone is sitting on the porch beneath the deck light, talking on the phone. The voice is low, baritone, and doesn’t belong to Tammy or Luca.

“Look, you can’t call here anymore,” he says in a low tone. “I know. I know. But that was the deal—that’s why we moved here.” He presses his fingers to the bridge of his nose and lowers his head. “Fine. I’ll send you more money, but I have to go now. Please don’t call here anymore.”

He hangs up and stares at the road with his phone clutched in his hands. Moments later, his body starts to shake as he sobs.

About two months ago, I caught Loki doing something similar. It was late at night and I was trying to sneak out of the house when I saw Loki crying on the back deck. He didn’t know I was standing in the shadows, spying on him. I haven’t really cried since the accident and seeing Loki so openly emotional like that made me uncomfortable, more with myself than anything, because I can’t seem to cry anymore, let myself feel the pain. It’s been so long since I let it all out that I wonder if maybe my tears are broken.

I figured he was crying over our parents, but I found out the next morning that his girlfriend of three years dumped him, said she couldn’t handle his new, complicated life.

“What a bitch,” Alexis growled when Loki told us Camila would no longer be coming around.

“I’m so sorry.” Zhara gave him a big hug.

Even Nikoli offered a few words. “I didn’t like her that much, anyway.”

Even though I witnessed his pain, I said nothing. I felt bad for him and the old Anna would have opened her heart and tried to console him. But this Anna, the one rotting away in her life with one good leg and a bunch of lies, couldn’t figure out how to do that without falling apart, too.

Invisible Girl

Ever since the accident, whenever I wake up, I can’t remember anything I dreamt. Sometimes I wonder where my mind goes when my eyelids lower, especially because Zhara insists that I scream almost every night. Sometimes I wonder if I relive the accident or maybe I dream of perfect first kisses and dancing on stage, stuff that can’t carry a spot in my life anymore.

I spend the next two days and nights lounging in bed, stirring in my own filth and dreaming of nothing. I reek of dirty sweat, my hair is matted to my forehead, and my leg hurts more than it usually does.

On Tuesday, Loki forces me to get out of bed and go to school. Not bothering to take a shower, I brush my hair into a messy bun, pull on a hoodie, and go out to the kitchen where I pop two pain pills before heading to truck where the rest of the Baker clan is waiting impatiently for me.

“Headed to school?” Luca appears seemingly out of nowhere. He charms me with that lopsided grin as he strolls up to the fence.

My heart betrays me, missing a beat, and I glimpse from left to right, praying he’s talking to someone else, but no one else is around.

“Um, yeah.” I sling the strap of my backpack over my shoulder. “Aren’t you?”

He glances down at the plaid pajama bottoms and faded grey t-shirt he’s wearing. “Since there’s only, like, a week left until Christmas break, my mom’s letting me start in January.”

“Lucky you. I’d kill to be able to sit around in my pajamas all day.”

“It has its downfalls.”

“Like what?”

A flirty smile rises on his lips and I immediately fear where the conversation is going. “Like it’s making me a slob. I mean, look at me. A few days of freedom from school, and I’ve already gotten so lazy that I’m standing here talking to a pretty girl in my pajamas.”

I miss a beat and end up standing there, staring at him like an idiot. But no one, not even Miller, has called me pretty before. And how I look now, dressed in wrinkled clothes with smudged makeup on, and messy hair, there’s no way Luca could think I look pretty.

He has to be lying. I’m not the kind of girl someone thinks is pretty.

Unable to find my voice, I turn to bolt for the truck.

“Hey, Anna,” he says before I can make my escape.

I pause, my adrenaline racing. “Yeah?”

“I was being serious yesterday.” Nervousness edges his voice. “It’d be cool if you could show me around town.”

I glance back at him, my gaze sweeping up and down his body. I try to convince myself that I’m not checking him out, that I’m just reading his vibe. That’s all. But I’ve become such a liar that I even lie to myself now.

“I can’t right now . . . I’m grounded.”

His eyes sparkle with interest as he rests his arms on top of the fence. “What’d you do?”

“Something terrible,” I say evasively. “Look, Luca, you seem nice. But you don’t want to be friends with me.”
And I can’t be friends with you. Like Cece, you remind me too much of the past with your lopsided smiles that turn me into that dreamy girl.

“You must be really unperceptive,” he teases. “Because that’s exactly what I want to do.”

“You don’t even know me, though.”

“But isn’t that the point of becoming someone’s friend? The whole getting-to-know-the-other person. In fact, it’s one of my favorite parts.”

I elevate by brows, questioning his words. “Really? I think that part sucks. I mean, it’s such an awkward phase.”

“Awkward can be fun.” His smile grows when I frown in doubt. “Don’t try to tell me that you’ve never been entertained by someone acting awkward.”

I open my mouth to tell him no, I haven’t, but then I remember the days of laughing at lost tourists, looking so out of place in our town. In fact, I was doing it the day of the accident.

“Nope. Never,” I lie for at least the tenth time today.

“Liar, I can tell by the look on your face that you totally do,” he calls me out on my bullshit, just like that, and it throws me off.

Hardly anyone ever puts me in my place or tells me like it is. Even when I’m acting like a brat, everyone that knows me looks at me with pity, carefully choosing their words.

“I have to go.” Opening the truck door, I prop my foot onto the running board.

“See you around, Anna. Can’t wait to get started on our awkward friends phase.” He uses my nickname even though I didn’t even give him permission to.

I hate that he just does it so causal, like he’s supposed to be using it. Most of all, I hate how much I like hearing him use my old name.

 Shaking my head in disbelief, I hoist myself into the backseat with Nikoli and Zhara.

“Was that one of our new neighbors?” Loki asks as I close the door.

I unzip my backpack to get a stick of gum. “Yeah, I guess.”

“He seems nice,” Loki says, lacking any form of subtly. “Is he your age?”

“He’s in my grade, but he’s definitely not anyone I’ll hang out with,” I tell him, needing to get that thought out of his head now.

The last thing I want is for Loki to push me into being friends with the sweet, nice guy next door who, back in the day, I could have easily had a crush on. I can’t go back to that place in my life. I don’t belong there anymore—don’t deserve to belong there anymore.

“Do they have any other kids?” Zhara asks, aligning the row of blue and grey beaded bracelets that match the cheerleading uniform she’s wearing.

I pop a piece of gum into my mouth and look out the window. “Beats me. I didn’t ask.”

“So, then you’ve talked to them?” Loki asks as he backs out onto the street.

“No, they talked to me.” I drop my bag onto the floor. “The mom came strolling up to me yesterday and chatted my ear off.”

He shoots me a stern look from over his shoulder. “I hope you weren’t rude.”

Alexis snorts a laugh as she props her unlaced sneakers on the dash. “When isn’t she rude?”

“You’re one to talk,” I retort. “You know people at school call you an evil bitch? Everyone’s afraid of you now.”

She shrugs nonchalantly. “So what? It’s better than being called Freaky Gimp Girl.”

Even though I know they already do, her words sting.

“Alexis,” Loki warns. “Don’t even go there.”

“Why? She started it,” Alexis gripes. “You always take her side because you feel sorry for her, and it’s turning her into a spoiled brat.”

“Alexis, be nice to Anna. She’s been through a lot.” Zhara chimes in, trying to play the role of our mom again.

“We’ve all been through a lot,” Alexis snaps, her hair whipping around as she aims a death glare at Zhara. “And coddling Anna isn’t going to help anyone.”

I’ve somehow turned into Invisible Girl, and I seize the opportunity and keep my lips zipped, wishing I could vanish, even if only for a day or two. If no one noticed me then maybe I wouldn’t have to be anyone at all. I could just blend into the walls and vanish from this world.

“Oh, my god, I can’t stand this anymore.” Nikoli tugs his red baseball cap lower as he slouches in the seat. “All you guys do is argue. When Mom and Dad died, you all lost your freaking minds.”

No one speaks for the rest of the drive. When Loki pulls up to the drop off area, Alexis bails out before the truck even comes to a complete stop. It takes me a couple of minutes to gather my things, and by the time I get out, my sisters have already made it to the entrance of the school.

Nikoli goes to the middle school so he stays in the backseat, but doesn’t wave goodbye to me.

“I’ll pick you up at exactly three ten,” Loki hollers at me as I close the door. “And, Anna, you better be here. I’m serious. If you wander off and I have to track you down, I’m going to be super pissed.”

I nod and shut the door.

Honeyton’s weather has its up and downs, but mainly there are a lot of ups. We don’t really have a winter, but we do get occasional sporadic rainstorms and bursts of heat. Even though it’s December, a heat wave has rolled in over town. The campus yard is packed with students lounging on the grass, soaking up the sun.

Enough time has passed since I’ve taken the pills, and I feel sublimely sedated as I push through the growing crowd toward the school with my chin tucked down. But I can feel people’s eyes on me, which is normal these days. Occasionally, someone dares to bring up the accident, like I actually want to talk about my parents’ deaths.

“Hey, Anna.” Cece coyly waves to me as I pass her locker.

It’s odd seeing her act so reserved toward me when she’s such a spunky, outgoing person. But what’s really mind-boggling is that I used to fit in with her smiles and giggles, pretty hair and outfits. I’d get all cleaned up to impress guys and acted silly over first kisses. That’s who I was.

Was.

I look down at my leg that doesn’t bend right as I walk.

Another time. Another life, Anna.

I fix my attention on the dinged up lockers until I reach my own, but unfortunately, Cece follows me.

“I need to talk to you about something,” she says, glancing around the nearly vacant hallway. “Maybe in private.”

Like Zhara, she’s wearing a cheerleading uniform and a perky smile; she’s all positivity and rainbows, and I can’t even bring myself to look her in the eye so I focus on spinning the combination to my locker because it’s easier than facing reality.

“This isn’t fair, Anna. I don’t even know what I did. One minute we were best friends, and now you won’t even look me in the eye.” She combs her fingers through her long blonde hair, tapping her foot against the linoleum. “I know it’s because of Miller. Ever since you started dating him, you won’t talk to me.”

“I’m not dating Miller. We just hang out.” I open my locker and exchange my backpack for my books.

“I saw you at that party the other night.” Her cold tone implies she isn’t happy about whatever I was doing. “But I doubt you’d remember. You were so out of it.”

Slamming my locker, I swing around her and limp down the hallway.

“This isn’t fair,” she yells after me. “I didn’t do anything.”

I slow to a stop in the middle of the hallway. “You’re right. You didn’t do anything. All this . . .” I gesture between us, “is my fault.” Hope flashes in her eyes, but I squash it. “But I can’t be friends with you anymore, Cece. It’s just too . . . hard.”

Tears flood her eyes as she spins around and races off toward the girl’s bathroom.

I go to class early, sinking further into my guilt and wishing I had more painkillers to take, wishing I wasn’t such a shitty person, wishing she’d just let me go. I meant what I said. We can’t be friends because the Anna Cece used to know died and all that’s left is a hollow shell of a person who can’t figure out what to do with herself.

It’s hard to avoid Cece, though, especially when she’s in my first period class. She enters about five minutes after I sit down and looks like she’s about to burst into tears again when she sees me. Still, she shyly waves as she takes a seat. I know her well enough that I can tell she’s nervous.

About a minute later, Ben, the six-foot, brown haired football player I once had a crush on, saunters into the classroom. He drops his binder on the desk right next to Cece’s and grins as he sits down and says something to her. Cece, who was the biggest flirt even before we started high school, smiles, coiling a strand of her hair around her finger. He soaks her attention up like she’s the sun and dazzles her with one of his infamous dimpled smiles. She returns his smile, but grows apprehensive as she casts a wary glance at me.

Jealously briefly burns inside me.
Are they going out?

The feeling fizzles out as I train my gaze on the tattered cover of my notebook.
It doesn’t matter.

My phone bounces on my desk as it vibrates, and I swipe my finger over the screen to read the message.