The Illustrated Gormenghast Trilogy (110 page)

‘O Alfred, I knew you’d love it …’ she swivelled her eyes again, but her attempt at roguery was heart-breaking.

‘Now what
is
it I keep thinking of as I stand and admire you,’ her brother trilled, tapping his forehead with his finger – ‘tut … tut … tut, what
is
it … something I read in one of your journals, I do believe – ah yes, I’ve almost got it – there … it’s slipped away again … how irritating … wait … wait … here it comes like a fish to the bait of my poor old memory … ah, I almost had it … I’ve
got
it, O yes indeed … but, oh dear me, No … that wouldn’t do at all … I mustn’t tell you
that …
’

‘What
is
it, Alfred? … what are you frowning about? How irritating you are just when you were studying me – I said how irritating you are.’

‘You would be most unhappy if I told you, my dear. It affects you deeply.’

‘Affects me! How do you mean?’

‘It was the merest snippet, Irma, which I happened to read. What has reminded me of it is that it was all about veils and the modern woman. Now I, as a man, have always responded to the mysterious and provocative wherever it may be found. And if these qualities are evoked by anything on earth they are evoked by a woman’s veil. But O dear me, do you know what this creature in the Women’s column wrote?’

‘What did she write?’ said Irma.

‘She wrote that “although there may be those who will continue to wear their veils, just as there are those who still crawl through the jungle on all fours because no one has ever told them that it is the custom these days to walk upright, yet she (the writer) would know full well in what grade of society to place any woman who was continuing to wear a veil, after the twenty-second of the month. After all,” the writer continued, “some things are ‘done’ and some things are not done, and as far as the sartorial aristocracy was concerned, veils might as well never have been invented”.’

‘But what nonsense it all is,’ cried the Doctor. ‘As though women are so weak that they have to follow one another so closely as all that.’ And he gave a high-pitched laugh as though to imply that a mere male could see through all that kind of nonsense.

‘Did you say the twenty-second of this month?’ said Irma, after a few moments of thick silence.

‘That is so,’ said her brother.

‘And today is the …’

‘The thirtieth,’ said her brother – ‘but surely, surely, you wouldn’t …’

‘Alfred,’ said Irma. ‘Be quiet, please. There are some things which you do not understand and one of them is a woman’s mind.’ With a deft movement of her hand she freed her face of the veil and there was her nose again as sharp as ever.

‘Now I wonder if you’d do something for me, dear.’

‘What is it, Irma, my love?’

‘I wondered if you’d do something for me, dear?’

‘What is it, Irma, my love?’

‘I wondered if you’d take – O no, I’ll have to do it myself – and you might be shocked – but perhaps if you would shut your eyes, Alfred, I could …’

‘What in the name of darkness are you driving at?’

‘I wondered, dear, at first, whether you would take my bust to the bedroom and fill it with hot water. It has got very cold, Alfred, and I don’t want to catch a chill – or perhaps if you’d rather not do that for me, you could bring the kettle downstairs to my little writing room and I’ll do it myself – will you, dear will you?’

‘Irma,’ said her brother. ‘I will not do it for you. I have done and will continue to do a lot of things for you, pleasant and unpleasant, but I will not start running around, looking for water bottles to fill for my sister’s bosom. I will not even bring down the kettle for you. Have you no kind of modesty, my love? I know you are very excited, and really don’t know what you are doing or saying, but I must have it quite clear from the start that as far as your rubber bust is concerned, I am unable to help you. If you catch a chill, then I will dose you – but until then, I would be grateful if you would leave the subject alone. But enough of that! Enough of that! The magic hour approaches. Come, come! my tiger lily!’

‘Sometimes I despise you, Alfred,’ said Irma. ‘Who would have thought that
you
were such a prude.’

‘Ah no! my dear, you’re far too hard on me. Have mercy. Do you think it is easy to bear your scorn when you are looking so radiant?’

‘Am I, Alfred! O, am I? Am I?’

It had been arranged that the staff should gather in the quadrangle outside the Doctor’s house at a few minutes past nine and wait for Bellgrove, who, as headmaster, had ignored the suggestion that he should be first on the spot and wait for
them
. Perch-Prism’s argument that it was a good deal more ludicrous for a horde of men to hang about as though they were hatching some kind of conspiracy than it would be for Bellgrove, even though he
was
headmaster, cut no ice with the old lion.

Bellgrove, in his present mood, was peculiarly dogged. He had glowered over his shoulder at them as though he were at bay. ‘Never let it be said in future years …’ he had ended, ‘that a headmaster of Gormenghast had once to wait the pleasure of his staff’s arrival – by night, in the South Quadrangle. Never let it be said that so responsible an office had sunk into such disrespect.’

And so it was that a few minutes after nine a great blot formed in the darkness of the quadrangle as though a section of the dusk had coagulated. Bellgrove, who had been hiding behind a pillar of the cloisters, had decided to keep his staff waiting for at least five minutes. But he was unable to contain his impatience. Not three minutes had passed since their arrival before his excitement propelled him forwards into the open gloom. When he was halfway across the quadrangle, and could hear the muttering of their voices, quite plainly, the moon slid out from behind a cloud. In the cold light that now laid bare the rendezvous, the red gowns of the professors burned darkly, the colour of wine. Not so Bellgrove’s.
His
ceremonial gown was of the finest white silk, embroidered across the back with a large ‘G’. It was a magnificent, voluminous affair, this gown, but the effect was a little startling by moonlight, and more than one of the waiting professors gave a start to see what appeared to be a ghost bearing down upon them.

The Professors had forgotten the ceremonial robe of leadership. Deadyawn had never worn it. For the smaller-minded of the staff there was something irritating about this sartorial discrepancy of their gowns which gave the old man so unique an advantage, both decoratively and socially. They had all been secretly rather pleased to have the opportunity of wearing their red robes in public, although the public consisted solely of the Doctor and his sister (for they didn’t count each other) – and now, Bellgrove, of all people, Bellgrove, their decrepit head had stolen with a single peal, as it were, the wealth of their red thunder.

He could feel their discontent, short-lived though it was, and the effect of this recognition was to excite him still further. He tossed his white mane of hair in the moonlight and gathered his arctic gown about him in a great sculptural swathe.

‘Gentlemen,’ he said. ‘Silence if you please. I thank you.’

He dropped his head so that with his face in deep shadow he could relax his features in a smile of delight at finding himself obeyed. When he raised his face it was as solemn and as noble as before.

‘Are all who are here gathered present?’

‘What the hell does that mean?’ said a coarse voice, out of the red gloom of the gowns, and immediately on top of Mulefire’s voice, the staccato of Cutflower’s laughter broke out in little clanks of sound – ‘Oh La! la! la! if that isn’t ripeness, la! “Are all who are here gathered present?” La! … What a tease the old man is, lord help my lungs!’

‘Quite so! Quite so!’ broke out a crisper voice. ‘What he was trying to ask, presumably’ (it was Shrivell speaking) ‘was whether everyone here was really here, or whether it was only those who thought themselves here when they weren’t really here at all who were here? You see it’s quite simple, really, once you have mastered the syntax.’

Somewhere close behind the headmaster there was a sense of strangled body-laughter, a horrible inaudible affair and then the sound of a deep bucketful of breath being drawn out of a well – and then Opus Fluke’s mid-stomach voice. ‘Poor old Bellgrove,’ it said. ‘Poor old bloody Bellgrove!’ and then the rumbling again, and a chorus of dark and stupid laughter.

Bellgrove was in no mood for this. His old face was flushed and his legs trembled. Fluke’s voice had sounded very close. Just behind his left shoulder. Bellgrove took a step to the rear and then turning suddenly with a whirl of his white gown he swung his long arm and at once he was startled at what he at first imagined was a complete triumph. His gnarled old fist had struck a human jaw. A quick, wild, and bitter sense of mastery possessed him and the intoxicating notion that he had been under-rating himself for seventy odd years and that all unwittingly he had discovered in himself the ‘man of action’. But his exhilaration was short lived for the figure who lay moaning at his feet was not Opus Fluke at all, but the weedy and dyspeptic Flannelcat, the only member of his staff who held him in any kind of respect.

But Bellgrove’s prompt action had a sobering effect.

‘Flannelcat!’ he said. ‘Let that be a warning to them. Get up, my man. You have done nobly. Nobly.’ At that moment something whisked through the air and struck an obscure member of the staff on the wrist. At his cry, for he was in real pain, Flannelcat was at once forgotten. A small round stone was found at the feet of the obscure member, and every head was turned at once to the dusky quadrangle, but nothing could be seen.

High up on a northern wall, where the windows appeared no larger than keyholes, Steerpike, sitting with his legs dangling over one of the window-sills, raised his eyebrows at the sound of the cry so far below him, and piously closing his eyes he kissed his catapult.

‘Whatever the hell that was, or wherever it came from, it does at least remind us that we are late, my friend,’ said Shrivell.

‘True enough,’ muttered Shred, who almost always trod heavily on the tail of his friend’s remarks. ‘True enough.’

‘Bellgrove,’ said Perch-Prism, ‘wake your ideas up, old friend, and lead the way in. I see that every light is blazing in the homestead of the Prunes. Lord, what a lot we are!’ he moved his small pig-like eyes across the faces of his colleagues – ‘what a hideous lot we are – but there it is – there it is.’

‘You’re not much of a silk-purse yourself,’ said a voice.

‘In we go, la! In we go!’ cried Cutflower. ‘Terribly gay now!
Terribly
gay! We must
all
be terribly gay!’

Perch-Prism slid up under Bellgrove’s shoulder. ‘My old friend,’ he said. ‘You haven’t forgotten what I said about Irma, have you? It may be difficult for you. I have even more recent information. She’s dead nuts on you, old man. Dead nuts. Watch your steps, chief. Watch ’em carefully.’

‘I – will – watch – my – steps, Perch-Prism, have no fear,’ said Bellgrove with a leer that his colleagues could in no way interpret.

Spiregrain, Throd and Splint stood hand in hand. Their spiritual master was dead. They were enormously glad of it. They winked at each other and dug one another in the ribs and then joined hands again in the darkness.

A mass movement towards the gate of the Prunesquallors began. Within this gate there was nothing that could be called a front garden, merely an area of dark red gravel which had been raked by the gardener. The parallel lines formed by his rake were quite visible in the moonlight. He might have saved himself the trouble for within a few moments the neat striated effect was a thing of the past. Not a square red inch escaped the shuffling and stamping of the Professors’ feet. Hundreds of footprints of all shapes and sizes, crossing and recrossing, toes and heels superimposed with such freaks of placing that it seemed as though among the professors there were some who boasted feet as long as an arm, and others who must have found it difficult to balance upon shoes that a monkey might have found too tight.