The Impact of You (5 page)

I pull into the campus parking lot just as
my class is starting. I’m going to be late. Finding the lecture hall a few minutes later, I pause at the doors to look for an empty seat. Professor Gibbs is tall, bald-headed and is pacing the front of the room. The room is full and silent, aside from him. He pauses just briefly as his gaze meets mine, then he returns to lecturing – making a point about society and self-image. I zero in on an empty seat in the back of the room when movement catches my attention. A flash of auburn hair streaks through my vision and makes my heart gallop.
Avery
.

She sits
several rows up and her cheeks blossom when she meets my eyes. I can’t help but smile at the sight of her. I maneuver between the rows of seats, and a few nasty looks later, I’m in the chair next to her.

“Hey Whistle.”

She rolls her eyes before facing the front once again, but the little curve of her mouth tells me she’s happy to see me. That little curve shouldn’t make me feel so good.

I lean
closer to whisper near her ear. Traces of floral shampoo greet me. “What’d I miss?”

“I didn’t even know you were in this class. You weren’t here last week.”

I like that she noticed that. “I was gone last week – had to check on my mom,” I whisper back.

Her
eyebrows draw together and then she turns to the front of the room again. I can’t help but notice she already has a full page of notes scrawled neatly across her notebook and is nervously bouncing a chewed, tattered pen in her hand. Abandoning my inspection of Avery for the moment, I tune in to our lecture. Gibbs is a lively speaker, and it’s easy to lose yourself in his words. I pull out the syllabus I printed from online and follow along the second week’s lesson: You – A Sexual Case Study. Oh yeah, this class is going to be awesome. And Avery’s faint blush during the lecture makes it hard to focus.

Professor Gibbs’ pacing leads him to the side of the room where Avery and I are seated. He pauses in front of us, pondering his next thought. “I’ve s
tructured this class to allow you to explore your sexuality after finding that many of my students received abstinence-only education in high school.” A few people in the room look at each other, wondering where he’s going with this lesson, when he continues. “Abstinence is often not the reality in college, or in high school for that matter. To remedy that, we’ll explore gender roles in society like it says on my syllabus, but we won’t just pontificate about these topics as obscure things unconnected to who we are. You’ll explore your own sexuality through a weekly journaling assignment.”

He passes out stacks of small black notebooks to everyone seated in the front row. The notebooks begin making their way around the room as everyone takes one.

“These are your journals. And to get you started, I’ll provide the topic for your first journaling assignment. Turn to the person next to you. Doesn’t matter if it’s a member of the same or opposite sex.”

I
turn to face Avery. Her cheeks were rosy before, but now she’s blushing like crazy and he hasn’t even given us the assignment. It’s so damn cute.

“Open your journal. I want you to check out the person across from you.” A few soft laughs erupt in the room. “No talking,” Professor Gibbs reminds us.

I remain silent, slouched in my seat, and take in Avery’s stiff posture. If this is a study on the other person’s comfort level on sex, Avery will win for most uncomfortable. She looks like she’s about to flee the room. Why did she even sign up for this class? It’s a voluntary elective.

Professor Gibbs explains the journaling assignment.
He’s looking to make a statement on positive self-image, self-love. Getting young women to see themselves more clearly, accepting, boosting self-confidence, both inside the bedroom and out; and getting young men to take note of more than what’s underneath their clothes. My eyes flick to Avery’s. She’s tuned in to his every word. Even I have to admit, it’s an interesting assignment.

The
topic of our first journaling exercise is what we find appealing, beautiful about the opposite sex. A few snide comments and laughs circulate the room, until Professor Gibbs redirects us to think about the uncommon body parts, like hands and eyes. Then pushes us to go one step farther. He approaches me and Avery again, stopping in front of our desks. When he asks us each our names, Avery’s blush deepens again. He’s going to use us as an example in front of the class. I don’t care; I just don’t want him to embarrass her.

Professor Gibbs turns to Avery. “You’ll
partner up and take note of each other’s characteristics. For example, Jase’s hands…” He encourages me to lift them for the class to see. I hold them out in front of me awkwardly. “He would make a good provider with those strong hands.”

A
very’s pretty green eyes follow my movements and remain on my hands even after I’ve lowered them to the desk.

Professor Gibbs returns
to the front, leaving Avery and me alone. I don’t care that we are in a room full of people. She’s fucking turning me on.

Being able to check out Avery for the sake of schoolwork is an amazing thing. She bites her lip and begins jotting something down in her journal. I wish I knew what the hell she was writing.
Is it the thing Professor said about my hands? Somehow I doubt it is. Her gaze rakes over my jaw, down my chest, to my biceps, and it’s driving me insane. Each look is like a caress. It hits me like a jolt. I can practically feel her undressing me with her eyes.
Shit.
Who is this girl? She’s innocent and sexy all at once, and I know I’m in trouble. My heart is pumping fast, and I feel myself getting hard.

I flip open my own journal, needing the distraction.
There are so many things I could write about Avery, but staring down at the blank page, I’m unsure where to begin. I’ve never kept a journal, but I have a feeling writing about her will be easy.

I take a deep breath and try to focus on the non-traditional body parts like Professor Gibbs reminded us. That way I’m not the
perv staring at her tits. Which are exceptionally nice, I quickly note. Her head is still tipped down, so hopefully she didn’t notice my indiscretion. Damn, she’s writing a freaking novel. Is there really that much to say?

I swallow and
focus on my notebook, finally writing,
Her soft skin – it makes me want to protect her.
I close the book before she has the chance to see what I wrote. God, I sound like a pussy.

I lean closer to Avery, and she slams her journal closed. But not before I see that she’s written an entire page about me. Wow. “Had a lot to say, huh?” I whisper, offering a weak smile. She makes me feel so unsure and alive all at the same time.

She just shrugs, trying to downplay the assignment. But I can’t. There’s something happening between us. And I want to explore what it is.

“Do you have class after this?” I ask.

“No. Why?” she whispers back.

“Come get coffee with me.”
It’s not a question and Avery just nods before turning to face the front of the room again.

The rest of the class drags by, as interesting as the topic is
. The soft, feminine scent of Avery distracts me. Once we get outside, I wait for her to come up with an excuse, but she doesn’t. She walks by my side, her eyes looking everywhere but at me. And really, that’s all the encouragement I need.

Avery

I watch Jase
walk to the counter at the ultra-busy student commons to pick up our coffee order. He leans against the counter, T-shirt stretched across his broad shoulders. I think he’s probably flirting with the cashier, or she’s flirting with him. Doesn’t matter. I’m still mad at myself for how I acted in class. Just because he has many fine features did not mean I had to catalog each and every one in my damn journal. Once I realized he wrote like one line and gave up on the assignment, I felt like a complete idiot.

While I wait for
him to return with our coffee, I slide my notebooks from my bag and arrange them on the table, making sure to keep the journal safely in my bag. I don’t want Jase snatching it and reading about how I think his eyes are the most mesmerizing shade of blue, like a cloudless summer sky, and being near him makes me feel more alive than I have in a while, makes me want things I thought I never would again.

I
can’t give my heart away again. Especially considering it hardly still beat inside my chest. Of course, all this is post-Brent. That’s often how I think of my life – the me before all the drama of my senior year, and the me after. After I trusted him. After I let myself be used by him. I know I brought it all on myself, but that doesn’t erase the past. Looking back, I don’t understand how I could have been so stupid. But when you’re in love and desperate for affection, and dealing with the fact you were adopted – it turns out you’ll do just about anything for attention. Things I now wish I could take back. But I never can. Even if there weren’t witnesses, the act is burned into my memory.

Besides
, it’s not like Jase is asking for anything from me. Friends, maybe. That I could handle. I think.

I would probably
consider dropping the class if Jase weren’t in there to witness my defeat. I don’t want him to know the subject terrifies me. I want to be brave, open, like the rest of the students seem. I thought taking this class would be good for me, but now I’m not so sure. But one thing is certain – I won’t back out now with my tail between my legs. At least part of me wants to see where this will go – especially since it means I’ll be seeing Jase every Tuesday and Thursday, all surrounded by the titillating topic of sex. It’ll be a wonder if I can survive this semester without spontaneously combusting.

Jase slides into the booth across from me, setting a paper cup of coffee in front of me.
“Cream and a
boatload
of sugar, just like you requested.”

“Thanks.”
I try a sip. Jase is still watching me, a lopsided grin across his lips. “What?”

He chuckles softly, the deep timb
re of his voice raking over me, and folds his hands on the table in front of him. “Fine, I’ll do it.”

“Do what?”

He smirks. “I see no other choice than to become your tutor.”

This time I’m the one laughing. “You want to be my human sexuality tutor? That’s original.
And not douchey at all.”

Jase’s determined gaze meets mine. “As tempting as that offer is – and there’s so much I could teach you – no. I meant I could tutor you at…life.”

“Gee thanks. Why don’t you just admit you think I’m a loser with no life and get on with it.”

“I didn’t say loser.
Lost…probably. Not having as much fun as you should be…definitely.”

“Rip the Band-Aid off
, why don’t you.”

Jase settle
s back against his seat, sliding his cup of coffee toward him in the process. “Just calling it like I see it, babe.”

He’s too relaxed, too smug.
I want to lash out and say something to wipe that cocky smile from his face. Instead, I pull a deep breath and reflect on his observation of me. I’m sitting stick-straight in my seat, my stack of textbooks neatly lined up in front of me. And each time Jase has seen me – first at the party, then behind the dumpster – I’ve been hiding. I wish I could tell him those were isolated incidents, that I’m not really like that, but sadly I am. I realize with a flash of clarity, Jase is right. And suddenly I want more.

I lean toward him on my elbows, weighing his offer. “So how would this life-coaching work exactly…I’m not saying I’m interested, but if I was…”

“We’d need to begin spending more time together for starters.”

I nod, listening intently. I’m thankful he doesn’t know my heart just kicked into overdrive
at his words. “What else?”

Jase abandons his casual posture, leaning
in towards me across the table, his brilliant blue eyes piercing mine with intensity. “I’ll issue you challenges as I see fit. You’d have to trust me.”

I
fold my arms across my chest. “I’m not running through campus naked or dropping acid or anything weird like that.”

“I wouldn’t ask you to do anything you’re not ready for.”
His voice is calm and sure.

I can’t believe I’m considering this, but I am.
“Why would you want to do all this…I’m not a project.”

“I didn’t say you were. Let’s just say I could use the distraction right now.”

I know my expression gives me away. I’m beyond confused about what’s happening
between us and powerless to stop it.

He brushes his index finger over the crease in my forehead. “Hey, relax
.” His voice is just a whisper. “You’re thinking too hard. I’m not going to pry about your past unless you want me to.”

I
shake my head, my heart thumping wildly.

Jase
’s thumb caresses my cheek before he lets his hand fall away. “You’ll let me know if there’s someone’s ass I should kick, though, right?”