The Imperfection of Swans (23 page)

The one thing going right was the brownstone. He was really able to see it starting to come together. Casper’s kitchens, both the small one in the apartment and the industrial-sized one in the bakery, had come together. The counter for his bakery display had been installed, and they were just waiting on the thick slab of marble to be delivered. Kevin had gotten all the equipment and supplies he needed to set up the wedding dress shop, but most of that had to wait until the floors had been refinished, and that couldn’t happen until all the major construction had finished in the bakery, which would be soon.

So he spent his days at the coffee shop, working on finalizing all the orders from designers, working on the shop’s website, and avoiding all the people in his life.

At first he thought he was just feeling guilty about the kiss with Casper, but it was more than that. He was utterly confused.

The first kiss, he understood. They’d just signed Devina Malloy to show exclusively in their store, and they, as a team, had proven they could make this dream work. That kiss could have happened with anyone. Hell, his kindergarten teacher could have been waiting outside those doors, and Kevin would have kissed her in his excitement.

The other kiss?

That wasn’t so easy to explain away. He wanted to blame the alcohol, and he could have—he’d had plenty to drink that night. But that wasn’t it, as much as he wanted it to be. It wasn’t the thrill of a successful launch into their new career, although he was sure that was in the mix too.

He’d wanted to kiss Casper. He’d wanted to do more than just kiss him.

And even that could be explained away.

The fact that he still wanted to kiss Casper could not.

WHEN IT
happened, it was almost a relief.

Scott had orgasmed. Kevin couldn’t, but they both washed up before getting back into bed. Kevin had curled into Scott’s side, resting his head on that massive chest. Scott ran his hand slowly up and down Kevin’s back.

“So, are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

Kevin stiffened at Scott’s question. For the briefest of moments, he considered saying everything was fine. He knew Scott would accept it and move on. The fact that he was asking at all was a miracle. Or maybe one of fate’s stupid intrusions that Casper was always talking about.

The silence stretched out long enough that Kevin was tempted not to answer at all, to pretend to be asleep.

“Something happened in New York.” His voice was so quiet that even he could barely hear it.

Scott’s caressing of Kevin’s back paused. “With another guy?”

Kevin nodded against Scott’s chest.

“I’m on PrEP, so you don’t have to worry about me getting anything, if that’s what you’re concerned about.”

Kevin couldn’t respond for a bit, his brain trying to track. PrEP. HIV pills, right. That was the first place Scott went? Kevin pushed himself up to a sitting position beside Scott.

“That’s the first thing you bring up when I tell you something happened with another guy?”

Scott sat up slowly, a wary, confused look on his face. “You sound kind of mad about that. I was trying to make you feel better. You don’t have to worry.” He shrugged. “I mean, granted, I know you’re receiving from me, so the chances are much lower, but just—”

Kevin raised his hands between them. “Oh, stop. That is not what I meant.” He narrowed his eyes and looked at Scott, really inspected him.

Scott’s look of caution increased. “What?”

“You don’t look upset or mad.”

Scott shrugged again, looking somewhat relieved. “Babe, you don’t need to worry about me being mad, but it’s sweet of you to care about that. I’m the last person to judge you, after how I ended our marriage. So you got fucked by another guy. We’ll deal.”

Okay, well, he did have a point with that one, but it still wasn’t really what Kevin meant. “I didn’t get fucked. We just kissed and… well, headed down that road, but stopped.”

Scott waited for more, and when it didn’t come, the frustration finally showed up. “So, let me get this straight. You didn’t sleep with another guy, and I’m supposed to be, what? Angry? Jealous?”

Kevin pulled the sheet in tighter around his waist. Worded like that, he supposed it did sound rather unreasonable.

“Kevin, babe, let’s just get some sleep. You’ll feel better in the morning. You’re just having one of your anxiety thingies.”

“Anxiety thingies?”

“Oh fuck, here we go.” Scott moved to get out of bed. “If you’re going to a pull a Renata right now, I can go sleep on the couch.”

Right or wrong, the accusation actually worked. It cut through Kevin’s anger and left him empty.

“Just wait.” Kevin lightly touched Scott’s arm. “Please.”

Scott hesitated, his gaze inspecting Kevin’s face, then seemed to decide all was safe and leaned back on the bed.

Kevin took a deep breath, not wanting to ask the question. Wanting to stop the entire conversation. He already knew where it would end if he started it. The thought of losing Scott all over again was already tearing at his heart.

“So, if I’d slept with another guy, you’d be all right with it.”

Scott shook his head in bewilderment. “Honestly, yeah. I would. As long as you don’t love him or anything. I think we should open things up. If we had years ago, I wouldn’t have had the affair, and we would have been fine.”

He wasn’t even going to try to track that logic. “I don’t want us to be open.”

Frustration once again began seeping into Scott’s voice. “Seriously, you don’t have to be closed-minded about this. An open relationship isn’t a bad thing.”

“I’m not saying it is!” Kevin concentrated on lowering his volume. A screaming match wouldn’t solve anything. “I’m pretty sure Uncle Tony and Rick are open, and it has worked for them, at least before the whole gambling fiasco. I’m not having a moral debate about it, Scott. It’s not about if it’s right or wrong. It’s not something I
want
, is all. I’ve been feeling so guilty about the kiss that I’ve nearly made myself sick. I don’t want you to be mad, but I wanted….” He floundered for a moment. “I don’t know, actually, just something other than
no big deal
.”

Scott reached out and took one of Kevin’s hands, then stroked it gently. “But, babe. That’s what I’m saying. I don’t want you to feel guilty. I don’t want either of us to feel guilty.”

Silence fell once more.

Kevin’s brain was a scramble, his emotions fogging everything, and he couldn’t truly differentiate between the issues of the moment and those that had ended their marriage. “Are you saying that if we don’t have an open relationship, that you’re going to cheat?”

“That’s not what I would call it, but that seems a little beside the point, doesn’t it? You’re the one saying you don’t want an open relationship, but you’re the one tearing yourself up over kissing some other guy.”

Again, Kevin had to admit, Scott wasn’t entirely off base. And, again, he had to admit that he knew where this was heading.

Actually, where it had already landed.

“We can’t do this.”

Scott released Kevin’s hand. “What?”

Tears were already beginning to flow. “We can’t do this, Scott. I love you. I probably will always love you, but we can’t do this. It will end even worse than it did before, and I can’t go through it again.”

A look of hurt finally crossed Scott’s face. “Babe. Let’s just sleep on it, okay? You’re tired and emotional. It will be better in the morning.”

Kevin nodded. “You know, I think you’re right. It probably would seem better in the morning. Maybe for the next two years of mornings. But then it wouldn’t be, and we’d be right back here.”

“That’s okay. Then we’d sleep on it again, and it would get better. Relationships aren’t perfect. You just have to get through the rough patches.”

For the third time, Scott actually made sense. Kevin had seen as much with his moms. They had horrible rough patches, but he’d never seen a couple love each other as much as they did.

At that thought, the picture became clear, and more tears released in him as it did so. “We’re not meant to be, Scott. Open or otherwise. I’m sorry I didn’t realize it until now. For both of us.” He leaned forward and lightly pecked a kiss on Scott’s lips before sliding out of bed and starting to tug on his clothes.

Scott continued to sit in the bed, looking stunned.

Kevin moved around the room, picking up items he’d been leaving at Scott’s house. Removing things from cabinets and the bathroom.

“Are you really just leaving me out of the blue, in the middle of the night? No more thought or discussion?”

From the sound of Scott’s voice, Kevin expected to see anger when he looked back to him. Instead, all he found was hurt. He went back to the bed and stood beside Scott. “I’m so sorry. I never intended us to get hurt this time.” After their divorce, he’d thought of little else besides wanting to hurt Scott, but those emotions had evaporated months ago.

Scott’s hand trembled as he clasped Kevin’s hand once more. “I really do love you, Kevin. With all my heart.”

Kevin’s entire body was shaking. “I know you do.” And he did. Like he’d never known it before. Maybe if he’d really believed it before now, things would have been different. “I love you too, Scott.”

Scott stood, the sheets falling away, and wrapped Kevin in his arms. A sob wracked his huge body, and they held each other as they both fell apart.

It might have been minutes, it might have been hours before Scott’s embrace loosened and their tears slowed. He leaned back slightly, searching Kevin’s face.

Scott’s eyes were bloodshot and puffy, his face blotchy. Kevin had never seen him look so bad or so beautiful. “It was Casper, wasn’t it?”

Kevin nodded.

“Oh.” Scott’s tears began to fall quicker once more, and he nodded slowly. “You’re really gone this time.”

KEVIN

AFTER TIPTOEING
into the house in JP, Kevin deposited his bag on the carpeted floor beside his bed and then rushed to the restroom. He’d sobbed so hard while driving that he’d nearly wrecked several times and also almost vomited just as many.

He barely had time to shut the bathroom door and turn on the sink before he collapsed over the toilet, his empty stomach trying to rip itself from his body. Bright yellow bile burned its way up Kevin’s throat. Over and over, until Kevin’s entire body was covered in sweat and shaking to such an extent that he could barely remain in a kneeling position over the toilet. With each expulsion the burning increased, as well as the cramping of his stomach, causing him to cry out. Tears of pain joined his tears of heartbreak, the sobbing only making his retching more agonizing.

“Kevin, baby?”

Before he could attempt to turn around, two sets of hands were on his back, and Renata and Noelle were kneeling on either side of him.

“Kevin, what’s wrong?” Renata had gotten a cloth and wiped his face after another bout of retching, which had stopped producing any liquid.

Noelle’s voice was frightened and sounded full of tears. “I think we should get you to the doctor. I haven’t seen you like this in years.”

“No.” Kevin tried to reach out to stop her, but the motion left him off-balance, and he slipped. They both caught him before he crashed against the toilet. “No. I don’t want to go. I’ll be fine. I just can’t seem to stop.”

“Okay, let’s see if we can get this under control, then, and then we’ll make the choice.” Renata started wiping his sweat from his forehead again. “Scott?”

Kevin nodded, another sob escaping. More burning.

Noelle groaned in sympathy, her fingers caressing soothingly through his hair.

Renata was a believer in truth setting a person free, and she continued questioning Kevin. Just like he knew she would. “Did he cheat again?”

Kevin shook his head.

That seemed to throw her off her questions.

“I left him.” Another sob. “You should have seen him. He was broken. I’ve never seen him like that.” It hurt to speak.

He expected to hear some triumph in his mom’s voice, knowing how much she hated Scott. There was none. “Oh, my baby. I’m so sorry.”

There was one more dry heave, and then he was just tired. So full of pain, and so very tired.

The three of them sat there, Kevin having collapsed in Renata’s lap as both his moms comforted him, as they had when he was a young child, and then again when the panic attacks had started in middle school. They sat in the dark bathroom, the water from the sink still running, until Kevin stopped shaking.

“Feel better?”

“Yeah. A little.”

“Think you can walk?”

He nodded.

They helped him up and moved with him back into the bedroom, Noelle reaching out a hand to turn off the water on their way.

They helped him into bed, Noelle crawling in beside him. “We’re going to stay with you tonight.”

“No, Noelle. You don’t need to do that. It’s already bad enough, I’m acting like I’m five.”

“Nonsense.” Renata’s tone was sharp. “In many ways, this type of pain is worse the older we get. Either way, no matter how old you are, you are our child. I’m going to go down and make some toast, and then we will try to sleep.”