The Jewish Daughter Diaries (14 page)

When my mom got home from Girl Scouts that day, she felt misled and confronted my grandmother in a bit of a rage, “How could you not tell me about this stuff?”

My grandmother didn't say anything. She only unstapled those pages in the health book and hoped my mother would be savvy enough to seek it out.

My grandma was such a worrier that she didn't let my mother cross the street alone until she was practically an adult. “It was ridiculous,” said my mom.

Guilt trips were used as readily as modern mothers use hand sanitizer. My grandma would drop everything to take my mom to ballet lessons every week and then get upset that my mom didn't appreciate her sacrifice. “It was because I didn't want to do ballet!” my mom said, exasperated. “I never said I wanted to do ballet!”

After dozens more tales, my mom finally sighed and leaned back in her chair. “So you see, I had such a Jewish mom that I tried to learn from that,” my mom said. “It was kind of a rebellion. I've consciously become the anti-Jewish mom in a way.”

She straightened her back and leaned in again, “But maybe I should have made you clean your room more,” she said, finally breaking into a small grin. “You are very messy, so maybe I went too far with that.”

During the conversation, I saw the frustration my mom had felt growing up, but I couldn't help thinking that even though my grandmother was tough, I had to be grateful for Jewish mothers, because without them, my mom wouldn't be who she'd become. But I couldn't tell her that. What do you say in a situation like this? When you realize that your mother consciously fought against her very nature to make life better for you.

“Thank you,” I said. It didn't seem like enough.

After a couple minutes, she felt a little better because we started to stuff dark chocolate chunks into our faces.

Things were all well and good after that, at least for a while. But it started to get strange a month later, when I returned to school. I realized something: my mother's rebellion against her mother's parenting style was also happening to me, but in a slightly different way. It happened when I got back to my apartment.
Mara, you're such a mess. Can you not get it together? It looks like the Tasmanian devil had a play date with the Hulk in here.

That voice, the judgmental monologue I'd had running in my head, was as intense as my grandmother's. I'd rebelled against my mother's laxness and created a vigorous, strict Jewish matriarch in my mind. In other words, if my mom wasn't going to be harsh and smothering to me, apparently I needed someone who would be.

And then it hit me: Holy shit, I am my own Jewish mom!

It's been ten years since my mother and I had that talk. I'm married now. My husband is a Jewish dude. I really didn't think that mattered, and then all of a sudden it did. I still have that voice with me.
You've got to marry a nice Jewish boy!
The voice is unrelenting, but I've named her now. Her name is Pearl. To name her is to know her, and that way, when I hear her challenging, judgmental, and neurotic voice, I conjure up my mother's perspective to balance it out. This technique helps to alleviate the pressure I've heaped upon myself.

PEARL
: You're thirty-one years old, and you haven't done enough with your life yet.

MOM
: You're on the path. Just keep steady.

PEARL
: You have hemorrhagic fever. That's why you've been craving meatloaf for three days. Go to the doctor!

MOM
: Hemorrhagic fever has nothing to do with meatloaf.

This mediocre method for trying to shush Pearl is not perfect, but it does offer some fleeting relief.

Now that my husband and I have been married for a year (and my ovaries are steadily decomposing), we are thinking about having a baby, and I can't help wondering: who will I be as a mother? Will I exhibit the harsh traits I've inflicted upon myself? Will Pearl become me and, therefore, also my child's mother? Will I be too neurotic? Give the kid a complex? Be able to control my desire to get my hands into everything?

I called my mom last week to talk it out, to tell her some of my fears about becoming a mother in the hopes that she could calm me.

“What?” my mom said, interrupting me. “A baby! You're thinking about having a baby? I want you to have a baby. A baby! Oh, how wonderful, a baby! You should definitely have a baby…”

Basically, she went insane—the only kind of insane that prospective Jewish grandmothers can become. She couldn't help herself.

While she carried on, I smiled and laughed to myself. And I realized that despite how hard she tried to suppress it, Jewish mom is in our blood.

“Have a baby!” she shouted.

All this time, three decades on Earth, and I was just starting to realize that “Jewish mother” could mean a lot of different things.

And I'm forever grateful for all that my mother is and is not.

Lauren
Greenberg
has written for
Love
You, Mean It
with Whitney Cummings, the 2013 MTV Movie Awards, and
Norm
Macdonald
Live
on JASH. She occasionally blogs at
Laurengberg.tumblr.com
and frequently tweets
@LaurenGreenberg
.

• • •

Sari
Botton
is a writer and editor living in Rosendale, New York. Her work has appeared in the
New
York
Times
,
Village
Voice
,
New
York
,
Harper's Bazaar
,
W
magazine
, the
Rumpus
, and many other publications.

• • •

Abby
Sher
is a writer and performer, mother, wife, yogi, and big fan of mud. Her memoir,
Amen, Amen, Amen: Memoir of a Girl Who Couldn't Stop Praying,
won the
Elle
Readers' Prize and the
Chicago
Tribune
's Best Nonfiction of 2009.
www.AbbySher.com

• • •

Kerry
Cohen
is the author of six books, including
Loose
Girl: A Memoir of Promiscuity.
She lives in Portland, Oregon, with her family.
www.Kerry-Cohen.com

• • •

Mayim
Bialik
is best known for her role in the 1990s sitcom
Blossom
and now appears in
The
Big
Bang
Theory
, for which she has been twice nominated for an Emmy. Bialik is a blogger for Kveller.com, and is the proud Jewish mother of two young sons.

• • •

Meredith
Hoffa
is a writer in Los Angeles. Her work has been published in the
New
York
Times
,
Entertainment
Weekly
,
Maxim
, and Esquire.com, among other places.
www.meredithhoffa.com

• • •

Anna
Breslaw
is a writer for Cosmopolitan.com. She lives in Brooklyn with her cat, Mothballs.

• • •

Chaya
Kurtz
is a writer and editor based in Brooklyn, New York. She was a syndicated home and garden writer for a few years and now writes about Jewish stuff full-time.

• • •

Iris
Bahr
is an award-winning writer, director, and actor. Her creative endeavors span television (
Svetlana
,
Curb
Your
Enthusiasm
), theater (
DAI
(Enough)
,
Planet
America
), your local bookstore (
Dork
Whore
,
Machu
My
Picchu
), and the Internet (Preggo Tips and various shady videos).
www.irisbahr.org

• • •

Jena
Friedman
is an American stand-up comedian, writer, and director. She is currently a field producer at
The
Daily
Show
with
Jon
Stewart
and has also written for
The
Late
Show
with
David
Letterman
.

• • •

Rachel
Shukert
is the author of three books, including her most recent novel,
Starstruck
. Her writing has appeared in
New
York
,
Slate
,
Salon
,
Gawker,
and the
Daily
Beast
, among other publications.

• • •

Leonora
Ariella
Nonni
Epstein
is the co-author of
X
vs. Y: A Culture War, a Love Story
. She's also an editor at BuzzFeed.com, working out of the company's Los Angeles office.

• • •

Jenny
Jaffe
is a New York–based comedy writer. An alumni of NYU's Hammerkatz sketch comedy group, her past credits include staff writing positions at CollegeHumor and MTV's
Nikki
and
Sara
Live
. Find out more by following her on Twitter
@jennyjaffe
.

• • •

Lauren
Yapalater
is a writer and thinker of many thoughts living in New York City. She is inspired daily by her dog. Her work can be found on BuzzFeed.com, where she is a senior editor.

• • •

Rebecca
Drysdale
is an LA-based comedian who has worked with HBO, Logo TV, MTV, and the Jim Henson Company and currently writes for
Key
and
Peele
on Comedy Central. She owns and runs the Clubhouse, an independent improv theatre in Hollywood.

• • •

Emmy
Blotnick
is a comedian, writer, and ice sculptor based in New York. She has written for MTV's
Nikki
and
Sara
Live
and
Mental
Floss
magazine, and okay fine, she lied about the ice sculptures.

• • •

Arianna
Stern
writes essays, humor pieces, and fiction in the San Francisco Bay Area. She has had work published in the
Hairpin
and
McSweeney's Internet Tendency
, among others. Find her on Twitter
@grayandgreen
.

• • •

Almie
Rose
is an anxious writer who just came out with her first ebook,
I
Forgot
To
Be
Famous.
Her blog is
Apocalypstick
, and she also blogs for
Hello
Giggles
,
Thought
Catalog
, and
xoJane
.

• • •

Nadine
Friedman
, a Brooklyn-based writer and photographer focused on socially compelling issues, has been featured in
Bitch
Magazine
,
Biographile
, the
Hairpin
,
Inanna
House
, and the
Daily
Beast
. She's currently completing a book of portraits of individuals living with multiple sclerosis throughout the United States.

• • •

Deb
Margolin
is a playwright, actor, and founding member of Split Britches Theater Company. She is an associate professor in Yale University's undergraduate Theater Studies program and denies living in New Jersey.

• • •

Gaby
Dunn
is a writer, comedian, and Jesse Eisenberg enthusiast living in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in the
New
York
Times
Magazine
and
Cosmopolitan
, and on NPR's
On
the
Media
and
Nightline
.

• • •

Wendy
Liebman
has been doing stand-up comedy for more than twenty-five years! She won the American Comedy Award for Best Female Stand-Up and has appeared on
The
Late
Show
with
David
Letterman
,
The
Tonight
Show
,
Jimmy
Kimmel
Live!,
and
Late
Night
with
Jimmy
Fallon
.

• • •

Mireille
Silcoff
is a journalist and author living in Montreal. She is a columnist with the
National
Post
and a frequent contributor to publications including the
New
York
Times
Magazine
. Her next book, a novel, will be published in 2014 by House of Anansi Press.

• • •

Iliza
Shlesinger
is the only female and youngest comedian to hold the title of NBC's
Last
Comic
Standing
. Most recently she was the host of CBS's syndicated comedy dating show
Excused
. She lives in LA with her dog, Blanche.

• • •

Dylan
Joffe
has written for
Hello
Giggles
and
Thought
Catalog
. She is passionate about making the world a better place, which most recently has led her to nonprofit work in Boston.

• • •

Mara
Altman
has written three bestselling Kindle Singles, including one about coming to terms with her inordinate amount of body hair. Her first book,
Thanks
for
Coming
, was optioned by HBO and translated into three languages.