The Judas Scar (38 page)

My husband was sent to a tiny boarding choir school when he was eight years old and left at thirteen to go to the local grammar school. His parents wanted what they believed to be the best for him, and his musical abilities afforded them the opportunity to give him this privileged start to his education. Little did they know that the very fabric of their chosen school was infected by child abuse. Thankfully my husband wasn’t one of those physically abused, but the violent and oppressive atmosphere of the school stayed with him for many years. He didn’t know, nor could he have understood, what was happening to his less fortunate classmates, but he had an uneasy awareness of the further hidden malevolence. Nearly three decades later, two members of staff were being investigated following allegations made by men who’d been victim of their abuse, and the police were seeking other victims and witnesses from the time.

What both upset and fascinated me was the Pandora’s box of emotions that was opened by that phone call. My husband began to look up the names of boys he’d been at school with. He became obsessed with discovering what they’d gone on to do, whether they’d married, had children, whether, essentially, they’d survived their ordeals and managed to find happiness. Tragically, some had never recovered and this hit him hard. It was sobering to talk to him about these boys, these innocents, damaged for good. I became preoccupied with the idea of damaged childhood, not necessarily damaged by physical abuse, but by an array of incidents: the death of a parent, a father withholding affection from his only son, a child witnessing cruelty, bullying – from both the bullied child and the bully’s point of view. I didn’t want to write about sexual abuse – principally because I’d touched on it in my first novel – but the subject of bullying came back to me repeatedly. I started toying with the idea of two boys, one who actively denies his past, papering over his painful memories, focussing instead on his adult relationship as his salvation. Then another more ruined boy, unable to find peace, a desire for revenge that consumed him. It was then that the characters of Will and Luke began to take shape. I saw them clearly even before I knew what route my story would take, these two boys, their troubled childhoods indelibly marked by a single, brutal event, both affected differently, both using alternative ways to cope. I imagined them growing up, one carrying guilt into his adult life, the other anger. And how, if I pushed them together years later, their pasts might wreak havoc on their lives. As the story began to take shape, I started to think about what each of them had to lose, what was at risk. For Will it was his wife, Harmony, his ‘anchor in the storm’; his salvation. To threaten his marriage was to threaten to destroy his survival of the past. And there began the third leg to the story; Harmony and the dangerous love triangle she finds herself trapped in.

At the beginning Harmony was a fairly neutral character, stable, calm, balanced, but as the themes became clearer, I gave Harmony her own demons from childhood to battle. Though loved by her mother and sister, Harmony had experienced grief as a child and also abandonment. On the surface she seems fine, well-adjusted, rational, but the fallout from her past – the fault lines – were there. Childhood is the most precious and fleeting of times, as is the innocence that goes hand in hand with it, so fragile, so breakable. Any emotional trauma to a child will leave scars, some deep, some less so. Trauma in childhood can have a considerable impact on adulthood. It can influence the decisions people make, tamper with their ability to cope in certain situations, affect how they interact with others, how they deal with the things life throws at them. The inescapable truth is we are all a unique and individual tapestry of our past experiences. Everything that happens to us becomes inextricably woven into what makes us who we are.

What struck me as I began to research the book was the number of times people said things like ‘that’s just what went on’ or ‘it was different back then’ or ‘oh, yes, adults knew it was happening’. Blind eyes turned again and again. Children betrayed. Very quickly betrayal as a theme pushed to the front of the book.The exploration of betrayal. What broken trust means to different people. How easily one person can forgive a betrayal and how violently another might want revenge. Or redemption. The concept of betrayal worked its way into the veins of
The Judas Scar
.With it came love. Love and betrayal are inextricably linked. Betrayal is the antithesis of love, and the stronger the love, the harder the bite of betrayal and the deeper the scar left behind. Love and betrayal link all the stories in the book in different ways: between lovers and spouses, between children and parents, between friends. And where betrayal takes place there are only two options; forgiveness or the absence of it. And where there’s absence of forgiveness comes anger, comes blame, comes guilt, and sometimes, revenge...

Amanda Jennings, March 2014

A C K N O W L E D G E M E N T S

My heartfelt thanks and appreciation go to my agent, the incomparable Broo Doherty, who from day one has taken care of me, and always makes me laugh, even when I don’t feel like it. To Paul Swallow for his belief in this book, his incredible passion, and his generosity when it comes to cupcakes. To those friends and family who read various versions of this book, but especially Charlie Jolly for his encouragement, Tiina Verran for her early suggestions, Cosima Wagner and Lou Botham for their expert proof-reading skills, and Sian Johnson who read far too many drafts of this book and offered insightful advice throughout. To Sean Costello for editing with a sensitive and skillful touch and being such a pleasure to work with. To those people I love on Twitter – authors, readers, book bloggers and like-minded souls – who offered support, distraction and laughter whenever I needed it. I have been blown away by the generosity of so many of you. I owe you much. Special mention to Tamar Cohen and Elizabeth Forbes for always being on the end of a phone. I am privileged to have amazing friends, both old and newer, you are my life-blood. Thank you. And then to my family, my three inspiring daughters who make me proud every day, my wonderful parents and sister, and of course, my husband, whose strength and integrity know no bounds and without whom I’d be lacking my very best friend. I love you all.

P R A I S E    F O R
T H E  J U D A S  S C A R

‘A gripping and powerful read which will keep you turning the pages.’

Simon Kernick

‘Astonishingly good and utterly haunting.’

The Oxford Times

‘A beautifully crafted tale. Emotional, dark and so very compelling.’

Novelicious

‘That rare thing - a gripping page turner that’s also emotionally intelligent and very moving. I gulped it down.’

Tamar Cohen

‘
The Judas Scar
is a compelling, moving and captivating book that had me hooked from the first page. Harmony is an attractive lead character and I found myself rooting for her, hoping that she would find happiness in her life. At the core of the book is the profound impact that trauma, experienced at a young age, can have on the rest of a person’s life, and the lives of those who love that person. In
The Judas Scar
, the trauma and its aftershocks are intelligently described and beautifully written. It was refreshing to see these things from a male perspective and Will is just as sympathetic a character as Harmony and completely believable. This is a grown-up book tackling grown-up subjects intelligently and with tenderness. It certainly stands out from the crowd. In short this is a wonderful book, one that I thoroughly enjoyed and that I recommend wholeheartedly. I hope it achieves the success it deserves.’

Louise Douglas

‘
The Judas Scar
is a powerful story about the shadowlands that can connect people with long-held secrets. What I particularly loved when reading it was the constant interplay between menace and damage: the menace posed by others and the damage Jennings’s gritty and deftly-drawn characters actually do to themselves. A really great read.’

Claire Dyer

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Nearest Thing to Crazy –
Elizabeth Forbes

Dan and a group of his friends enjoy a Sunday lunch together on a perfect summer’s day. They’re pleased to welcome their glamorous new neighbour and novelist, Ellie, who has rented a house in the village to work on her book. She likes to place herself in the centre of her plots, she says, although it’s hard to see what she’ll find to write about in this quiet country backwater. As Ellie slots effortlessly into the village social scene, Dan’s wife begins to feel increasingly alienated from her friends and isolated from her family, but, for the life of her, she can’t fathom why.

Who Are You? –
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Alex, a career officer in an elite regiment, returns from Afghanistan a changed man. The mental scars he has brought home disrupt his relationship and drive his wife Juliet to seek comfort by chatting in online forums. As Juliet relies more heavily on her life online, she is confronted by her weakest vulnerabilities and her worst fears.

A Cutting Edge Press Paperback Original

Published in 2014 by Cutting Edge Press

www.cuttingedgepress.co.uk

Copyright © Amanda Jennings

Amanda Jennings has asserted her moral right to be identified as the author of this work under the terms of the 1988 Copyright Design and Patents Act.

This book is sold subject to the conditions that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published, and without a similar condition, including this condition, being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

The characters appearing in this book are fictitious, any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

All rights reserved
Printed and bound in Great Britain by CPI Group (UK) Ltd

ISBN: 978-1-908122-71-1
E-PUB ISBN: 978-1-908122-72-8

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All rights are reserved to the author and publishers.
Reproduction in any form currently known or yet to be invented, or the use of any extract is only permitted with the written approval of the publishers.

The Judas Scar

Contents

Cover page

Title page

PROLOGUE

CHAPTER ONE

CHAPTER TWO

CHAPTER THREE

CHAPTER FOUR

CHAPTER FIVE

CHAPTER SIX

CHAPTER SEVEN

CHAPTER EIGHT

CHAPTER NINE

CHAPTER TEN

CHAPTER ELEVEN

CHAPTER TWELVE

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

CHAPTER NINETEEN

CHAPTER TWENTY

CHAPTER TWENTY - ONE

CHAPTER TWENTY - TWO

CHAPTER TWENTY - THREE

CHAPTER TWENTY - FOUR

CHAPTER TWENTY - FIVE

CHAPTER TWENTY - SIX

CHAPTER TWENTY - SEVEN

CHAPTER TWENTY - EIGHT

CHAPTER TWENTY - NINE

CHAPTER THIRTY

CHAPTER THIRTY - ONE

EPILOGUE

Notes From The Author

Acknowledgements

Praise For The Judus Scar

Cutting Edge Press

Copyright