The Language Inside (2 page)

but the water has a spot of darkness

and my blindness grows

to a black hole

and I begin

to panic

should I find this guy Sam

the other volunteer

from my high school

who’ll introduce me

to the recreational therapy director?

should I return to the bus stop

and try to get to YiaYia’s house?

I haven’t lived here long

I don’t have a cell phone yet

I don’t know if there’s a bus

to my grandmother’s neighborhood

and I have just twenty minutes

before my speech and thoughts

                                        shatter

I go for Sam

I cross the bridge

turn right then left

walk up the paved pathway to

the Newall Center for Long Term Care

where standing by the entrance

is a guy whose face looks

               half there

who says

I’m Sam Nang—you Emma?

I turn my head

pan his face with the half

of my vision that remains—

               Asian, I realize

               Japanese, I dare hope

               though I know that’s doubtful

               here in Massachusetts

I tell him
yeah, but I’m sick

when he gets that I mean it

he says
the lobby . . .

and leads me inside to a waiting area

where I drop onto a chair

I feel in my bag

pull pills from a plastic case

and swallow two caplets with

the last swig of water

from my bottle

along the edge

of my blindness

flickers a crescent

of tiny triangles—

               white

                         edged by

                            cuts of blue

                         black

               yellow

my stomach turns

I close my eyes

try to slow my breathing

and feel the thud of Sam

sitting down beside me

I squint my eyes open

shade them with my hand

against too-bright lights

and tell him

my head

I can’t see

I need to go home

               zigzags of light seem to

               bolt from his jaw

I tell him YiaYia’s address

and phone number

I tell him

to tell her

migraine

he tries calling

but there’s no answer

now I’m breathing too fast

and as the numbness

starts creeping up my arm

I can’t help crying

okay, okay
Sam says

I’ll call Chris

he’ll drive you home

I unwrap the scarf from around my neck

drape it over my head to hide in the dimness

wishing my grandmother had a cell phone she actually used

wishing my mother or father could come get me

wishing we’d never left Japan

under the scarf I let myself cry

missing my friends

from Kamakura

               Madoka, Kako, Kenji, Shin

from Yokohama

               Min, Grace, Yuta, Sophia

whispering their names

like a prayer

to get me out of here

a prayer to get me back there

where I know people

where I know my way around

where I know what to expect

where my body didn’t do this

Sam speaks softly

into his phone

stows it

then goes off

and has a conversation

I can’t quite hear

with a person

I can’t quite see

when he comes back he’s silent

just the lobby noise

surrounds us

after a while I feel him rise

return

and press a tissue

into my hand

I wipe my eyes

try to keep calm

try to keep the light out

just breathing

through the weave of the scarf

as we wait

finally Sam tugs my jacket

takes my arm

and leads me outside to a car

parked near the entrance

he speaks to the driver

               pain slams my head

I can hear words

               catch words

                               
grandmother

               
ride                back                leap

                         
sock               close

                                    
here

but I can’t connect the words

to make meaning

I start to get in the car

get out

throw up in some bushes

wipe my mouth with

another tissue from Sam

get in the car

lie down on the backseat

my head covered with my scarf

and a towel the driver hands me