The Last Adventure of Constance Verity (19 page)

Root stood, wiped his bloody nose on his sleeve. A red blotch already marked his white shirt.

“Oh, my. That was primal. I'm sorry. This is my fault. I didn't think how all of that might sound from your perspective. Mysterious man in a white suit. Guards with metal skull masks. Talk of life and death. I'm surprised you didn't punch me sooner.”

She lowered her weapon. “You aren't going to try to kill me?”

“Heavens, no.”

He gestured to the guards, who all lowered their sinister masks and chuckled among themselves.

“We only want to remove the spell. Isn't that what you wanted?”

“You can do that?”

“Yes.”

“Just like that?”

“It's a little more complicated than snapping our fingers, but it isn't all that difficult.”

“And I'll be normal?” asked Connie.

“As normal as a woman who has been to the moon and back can be, I suppose.”

“And what happens to me after?” she asked.

“I don't know. It's not important to us after that.”

“That's it, then? You've been screwing with my life since the day I was born, and you're done with me. And I'm supposed to be cool with that. Used up and tossed aside now.”

“I know it's not very comforting to see your life laid bare like this,” said Root.

Connie grinned.

“Take the damn thing.”

T
he extraction machine was a strange amalgamation of science and sorcery. Not that there was a tremendous difference between the two after a certain point. The explanations varied, but whether one used a spell to transform a frog into a prince or had a prince-transforming froginator ray (Connie had seen both), the results were the same.

“It's a complex machine,” said Root, “but it's the latest in enchantment-extracting technology. In the old days, removing an enchantment, especially one as intertwined with your soul as this one, would subject the host to a harrowing ritual involving starvation, sweating, and exotic, psychedelic herbs. The subject didn't always survive the process, if I may be honest. Thankfully, our retrieval methods have evolved since then. You sit in this chair, some buttons are pressed, the extraction is over within minutes, and the host is unharmed.”

“Does it hurt?” asked Connie.

“It's not an entirely pleasant experience, I'm told, but it's more itchy than painful.”

The device filled the large room. Technicians tinkered. Tightening bolts. Adjusting knobs. Turning switches. It reminded her of the doomsday machine built by the Incans crossed with a transdimensional gate opener. Runes and glyphs covered the thing. Electricity arced between exposed contact points, and every so often, steam blasted from vents.

“We'll need you to take your place,” said Root.

A door slid open and a mountain of flesh in a butler's uniform stepped into the room with Tia in tow.

“So if I don't sit in the chair, I assume you'll do something terrible to her,” said Connie.

Root recoiled. “Oh, my. No. How distasteful.”

“You aren't going to use me as a bargaining chip?” asked Tia.

“Why would we? Constance has already agreed to this. You haven't changed your mind?”

“Why is she here, then?” said Connie.

“Farnsworth intercepted Ms. Durodoye on her way to do something foolish.”

“I was going to rescue you,” said Tia.

“I told her not to try it,” said Thelma, with a hint of smug satisfaction.

“Damn it,” said Connie. “You were supposed to wait for me.”

“I thought I was being scrappy,” said Tia.

Root said, “Ms. Durodoye's intentions notwithstanding, we thought you might appreciate it if we kept her out of trouble.”

“Thanks,” said Connie.

“I'm not some little kid that needs to be babysat.” Tia, scowling and folded arms, appeared very much like a child upset with all the grown-ups talking about her as if she wasn't in the room.

“We'll talk about this later,” said Connie.

Tia snorted. “Whatever.”

“I told her not to do it,” repeated Thelma. “Just want to remind everyone of that.”

“All you need to do is sit in the extraction chair,” said Root.

“Don't do it,” said Tia. “Not to save my life.”

Root raised an eyebrow. “I beg your pardon. We're not threatening you. We've been nothing but polite and gracious hosts.”

“And what if Connie changes her mind?” asked Tia. “Or are all these goons and the heterochromia combat butler just for atmosphere?”

“I'd like to think we could handle this without the threat of physical violence,” said Root.

“So, you admit that physical violence is an option.”

“I don't understand. Is there a problem? I hardly see the point in discussing possibilities we've already moved past.”

“Agreed.” Connie sat in the extraction chair. “Right here, then? Let's get this over with. Throw the switches. Push the buttons. Do whatever you need to do. The sooner I'm out of Kansas, the better.”

“You can't do this, Connie,” said Tia. “You can't trust these guys. They were going to use me as a hostage.”

“Again, I'd like to stress no hostage threats were made,” said Root. “Farnsworth even served her some of his famous rooibos tea and biscuits.”

Farnsworth spoke with a rumbling baritone. “The secret is an extra dash of cinnamon.”

“The cookies were delicious,” conceded Tia.

“And don't forget the cucumber sandwiches,” said Root.

“Yes, very good too.”

Farnsworth tittered. Not easy to do with his deep voice. “I'm so glad you enjoyed them.”

“Beverages and snacks aside,” said Tia, “you're still a secret organization with an underground base doing God knows what down here. Just look at all the fucking skulls everywhere.”

“An artifact of a different era,” said Root. “More traditional than anything.”

“It's a chance I'm willing to take,” said Connie. “You want the spell, it's all yours.”

The extractor hummed, sending a vibration through the room. True to Root's word, it took only a few minutes. Afterward, she jumped out of the chair and stretched.

“How do you feel?” asked Tia.

“Weird. Lighter. Like I've been carrying this weight with me my whole life and only now that it's gone do I notice. Also, itchy.”

She scratched her arms. She had a technician help her with a spot she couldn't reach on her back.

The machine powered down. The lead tech removed a
metal square not much larger than a credit card. He showed it to Root, who nodded.

“That's it?” asked Tia. “That's all it takes to hold the caretaker enchantment?”

“I'm told it once required an idol statue as large as a building, but progress marches on,” replied Root. “It will be locked away until the next batch of candidates can be found. We'll see that you're escorted from the base and allowed to go on your way.”

“Very kind of you,” said Connie.

It was weird to leave a secret lair without sneaking out or blowing it up. Root and a contingent of guards escorted Connie and Tia through a tunnel that exited through a shack in the middle of a field. No one said much of anything, but Connie couldn't stop smiling.

“Thank you for your cooperation,” said Root. “We appreciate your accommodation.”

“My pleasure,” she said.

“Rest assured that we only seek to ensure the greater good.”

“Whatever. Didn't ask. Don't care. Not my problem anymore.”

It felt wonderful to say that. It felt more wonderful to know it was true.

Root and his guards closed the trapdoor. It sealed with a loud hiss, and Connie imagined it'd be filled with concrete within the hour. Just as a precaution. She didn't give a damn. She didn't have to.

“We did it!” She hugged Tia.

“It's really gone?” asked Tia.

“I think so. Guess we'll find out soon enough.”

Tia said, “I can't believe you did it.”

“Neither can I. I didn't think it was really possible.”

“That's not what I'm saying, Connie. I'm saying I didn't think you'd go through with it. People spend their whole lives wanting to be special, and you just threw it away.”

“Being special is overrated,” said Connie.

“Of course you'd believe that,” said Tia.

Connie said, “What's wrong with you?”

“What's wrong? Are you fucking serious?” Tia laughed, hot and angry. “Connie, it isn't always easy to be your friend, but you're making it really hard now.”

“What the hell are you mad about?”

“I don't know. It's just . . . It's nothing.”

“No. It's something.”

“Yes, it's something,” said Tia. “You threw it away. Like it was nothing.”

“That was the whole point, wasn't it?”

“I didn't think you'd go through with it,” said Tia. “I didn't think it was possible in the first place, but I knew you do impossible things all the time. I assumed, if you did succeed, that you'd change your mind at the last minute, realize what you were doing.”

“I know what I'm doing.”

“No, you really don't. You want to be normal? You want to live like everyone else? No adventures. No ninja assassins or killer mutants. No trips to the moon or journeys to the center of the Earth. Connie, I'm normal. It's boring.”

“Boring is what I want.”

Tia sighed. “Forget it. You don't get it. But you will. You'll wake up a year from now, doing the same goddamn thing every goddamn day, just waiting for anything different to happen. But it won't. It'll just be the same thing until you die.”

“Tia—”

“No. Don't say anything. You're only going to make me mad. This is about more than you. And those guys, I don't trust them. What will they do with the power?”

Connie frowned. “So, now I'm supposed to be responsible for what might happen?”

“What about those people you've helped? You made a difference. I know of at least a dozen times you've saved this world or another. And two that you saved the whole universe.”

“Somebody else will do it now,” said Connie. “There's always somebody else.”

“That's the problem with this world,” replied Tia. “Everybody else expects somebody else to fix it. You were that somebody. Now there's nobody.”

“The universe got along just fine without me for a million years. It'll get along fine for a million more.”

“You don't know that.”

“What's your solution, then?” asked Connie. “Just live with it until I die a glorious death?”

The anger in Tia's eyes faded. She shrugged. “Fuck if I know.”

Connie put a hand on Tia's shoulder. “Are you all right?”

“No, I'm not. Not really. I wasn't like you. But I had
adventures now and then, even if it was as a tagalong or a plot device. Now I don't even have that. You didn't just take away your extraordinariness. You took mine.”

“I didn't think about that,” said Connie.

“Why would you?”

“That's not fair.”

“No, it's not fair. None of it is.” Tia pushed Connie's hand away. “I'll find my way home.”

“Tia . . .”

“I'll get over it, but I need some space. I just hope that getting what you want is what you really want. It usually isn't.”

She walked away.

Connie thought about following. She had the vague sense that she'd done something wrong, though she wasn't quite sure what. But Tia had always been there for Connie, and if she had let Tia down in some way, it bothered Connie. Her guilt was tempered by her own anger at Tia for trying to take away this moment.

“What now?' asked Thelma from Connie's pocket.

It was a good question. Connie didn't know if things had changed or not. It was too soon to tell. She only knew one thing for certain at the moment.

“We get the hell out of Kansas.”

She caught the next flight out.

When she was getting on the plane, a suspicious passenger, a twitchy guy in a fez and a bolo tie, caught her eye. He clutched
a worn satchel to his white suit. Beads of sweat covered his forehead, and whenever anyone walked too close, he'd flinch as if expecting them to attack him.

Connie wondered what he had in the satchel. An ancient relic? A priceless diamond? The blueprints for a car that ran on happy thoughts? Whatever it was, she wasn't a part of it. Not anymore. Twitchy guys in fezzes who were clearly up to no good were no longer her concern.

He sat several seats down from her, clutching his satchel in a white-knuckled grip. He wasn't murdered on the flight, leaving her to solve the impossible crime. He didn't try to pass the satchel to her or stash it under her seat when she wasn't looking. When the plane landed, he spotted a pair of skulking hoodlums in black suits waiting for him. He pushed his way through the crowd, right past Connie as if he didn't even notice her, with the hoodlums chasing after him. They dashed past her too, like she was just somebody beneath their notice. And then they were gone.