The Last Kiss (10 page)

Throwing open his footlocker, he dug for all the mementos and letters she had sent him. Aidan re-read each one carefully, all her elegant script written like she was from another era, professing her dreams and love to him. “Whatta bunch of horseshit!” He scowled, ripping each letter into pieces before starting on the pictures. He had no chance of convincing her to come back, she had already proven in minutes that she would remain untouchable.

“What the hell did I do so wrong? Is there someone else? Why is she doing this? Am I not good enough? What the fuck!” Tears flooded his eyes as his heart sank deeper into despair. “I loved you, more than you'll ever know.” Holding
the last photo he had taken of her, he couldn’t bring himself to destroy it along with all the other mementos he had stored in his footlocker. He shook his head in disbelief, Raeve had left questions he would never get answers for hanging in the void. How could she just end things so easily? Would things have been different had he just stayed in the states? How was he going to focus on anything, when everything he thought he had, had just walked out of his life without a single care? Staring down at her picture as the first drops of his despair splashed down onto her image, he knew nothing would ever feel or be the same.

Love was nothing more than a bullshit excuse to hurt someone. Love was something he wasn’t willing to take a risk on again. Raeve had made damn sure of that with this one act of cruelty. Destroying not only what he thought they had, but destr
oying the man he thought he was.

~Chapter Twelve~

Raeve struggled with the weight of her decision as seething hatred burned every cell in her body. Hitting the end button on her cell made the finality of what she had done seem colder, as though she realized she had just killed a piece of her heart. She refused to look in the mirror anymore because she didn’t recognize the person staring back at her. That raven haired woman was nothing more than a stranger, a stranger with a shattered heart and a lifetime of guilt to atone for.

The darkness that had consumed her since childhood, settled deep in her soul, constantly peering out through her haunted gaze. Raeve didn’t want to see that her skin had grown gaunt over sallow features that had once shone with life and color every time she saw him. The woman in the mirror appeared too tired and frail, like death was beckoning her to his side― she refused to acknowledge him. “You’re not worth the
effort,” she muttered.

It had been months since she had spoken to Aidan, and she spent endless days and nights regretting her actions. The pain of her decision ran deep, suffocating her. Not even the relief she found when the ridicule and taunts had stopped could ease her sorrow. Long months of whispers and dirty looks had taken a toll on her, as she continued to fall further down the dark rabbit hole of self-hatred.

Pouring through her list of reasons why she needed to set him free revealed only one thing that made any sense. She loved him, she hated herself, and he deserved to be happy with someone who deserved his love. A small place deep in her heart wished it wasn't true, but it was. She wasn't as pretty as the rest of them, didn't come from money, and had little to offer anyone. She wasn't worthy of him. He deserved far better than her, and she was just being selfish keeping him tied to her

It had been too long since she had slept. The rare times she found sleep, dreams of Aidan calling to her, staring down in to her
eyes, and whispering to her how much he loved her, rattled her. Each time, she woke with a fresh batch of tears trailing down her cheeks. When the sleeping pills stopped working to black out her dreams she only found solace in working herself to near exhaustion.

It had become her ritual. Work all day, drive to the beach, and then watch the waves until dawn. It was there she felt some semblance of life. A void of a place where the insults of others didn't matter anymore, and her mind could find peace listening to the sound of crashing waves as they slapped against the jetty. Each day grew more difficult as fresh waves of guilt assaulted her. Nothing felt right anymore. Each day she grew
more numb to the world around her. Each day her heart closed up more, holding on to his image and the love she felt for him, guarding it with every ounce of her soul. No matter how she tried to hide it, he was always on her mind, in her heart.

“What have I done?” she cried, burying her face in her palms. The cold winter winds licked around her, but she was too numb to even feel the icy fingers of winter’s winds
scratching over her skin. She just didn't care anymore. , not for life, or for death. Which proved that much more, that she didn't deserve him, she wasn't strong enough to even to be worthy of him.

“Why?” she questioned no one in particular. “Why am I not good enough?” That was just it. She didn't know the answer. All she knew was she wasn't good enough for him. Brushing her fingers over the last place he kissed her, brought to mind his warmth which still lingered in her memories. Images of their time together in Texas replayed for the hundredth time, making her wish she could've ended it back then, sparing him the onslaught of her feelings.

She didn't know how much longer she could continue down this path. Every time she looked down at his letters sitting on her nightstand, a renewed sense of self –hatred bit at her crumbled self-worth. Tormenting herself with the ‘what if’ game had become her nightly ritual. What have I done? What if I just mailed him a letter and said how sorry I am for doing this? What if he doesn't respond? What if he hates me? What if he doesn't? Over and over again, she berated herself, but she could never bring herself to finish the letter she had started the night after she ended their relationship.

She couldn't remember what happiness felt like, or what the hot sun felt like against her skin. The thrill of living life for all it was worth had completely disappeared. None of it seemed important.

It felt as though a lifetime had passed since she’d told him she loved him, but nothing had changed. She still did. Each and every day she longed for him, prayed he was safe, and prayed he would find someone who could bring him all the happiness he deserved. Raeve knew she was selfish for wishing to have him back. Letting him go, was the most responsible thing she could think to do. It gave him a real chance at a better life, a life she could only dream of, a life she longed for. But it wasn't in her cards.

Looking out at the white crusted waves, as night turned the ocean’s tide black, she vowed to never forget him and to let him live his life, even if it meant she would
spend every day for the rest of her life pining for a man she didn't deserve. “I love you, Aidan. Always till eternity,” she whispered, while hoping the sound of her voice carried across the vast ocean to find him.

~Chapter Thirteen~

“I never meant to hurt you, my love,” she whispered, curling her fingers around his neck. “I loved you so much back then. I meant it when I said that you're the only one who has ever been in my heart.”

“I know, sweetheart.” Cocking a dark brow down at her, his lips kissed away the hurt. “But you did ruin me, more than you realize. Because of you, I haven't been able to trust any woman after that. I haven't been able to let anyone in my heart. You moved on quite easily though.” He knew he was stirring the pot, but he needed to provoke her, to see where the truth really hid.

“Yes, I did,” she ground out. “I found someone who hated me as much as I hated myself. And I spent too many years being with a man I was never in-love with, all because I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I knew I made a mistake, regretted it every single day since. So yes, I paid my penance and stayed with someone who treated me the way I thought I deserved to be treated.” The haunting sadness that lingered in her eyes fell into her words as she looked away from him.

“Why do you think I searched for you last summer? I needed to ask for your forgiveness. I honestly didn't believe I deserved it, still don't, but I needed you to know how truly sorry I was.” Her eyes softened as she gazed into his. The sincerity of her voice as she caressed his face hurt almost as much as that final goodbye years ago. He ached for her, ached for all that she had endured.

“I wouldn't have hurt you the way he did,” he murmured, his warm breath swept over her cheek as he held her close, sparking goosebumps all over her skin.

“I know.”

                   “Would you have still left him if I had refused to answer your email?”

“Yes. I was already in the process of it. He didn't love me, and I knew no matter how hard I tried, the marriage was over. He just failed to see it that way. Why would he want it to end? I was his human punching
bag to work over, and nothing more than a hole in the mattress for him.”

Aidan heard the regret in her voice, the hurt her ex-husband had caused. He wished like hell he had been there to beat the bastard down the moment he first struck her.
“I wish I could take all that hurt away. I wish I had fought harder for you, made you see that I was the better choice. Made you see…” Drifting off in his thoughts, he wondered how he could've convinced her to stay with him. Sure he wished he had fought harder. That much was true. He knew she’d had it rough most of her life, and thinking back, it shouldn't have surprised him that she left. She hadn't let many people get close. She still kept others at arm's length, but it was who she is.

“I wouldn't have listened. I was too consumed with my own demons.” Raeve pulled herself from his arms. He watched her put on a brave face as she stuffed her personal pain back inside her head. He didn’t really want to rehash all the events that had lead up to the present, hell time wasn’t their friend and their past consumed too much of their time together already. “I
needed to leave him, just as I needed to experience all I went through with him. It made me who I am today. Whereas I hated myself years ago, it took everything in me to realize that I am a good person. I've made some bad choices, and stupid mistakes, but I know what it means to love myself, and that makes the love I have for you feel all the more powerful. I know you'll always harbor resentment toward me for what I did. I deserve nothing less, but you need to understand one thing, I have always loved you, still do. Nothing can or will change that.”

She was too sincere, and her compassionate understanding all too real. Considering all she said and looking at her standing her ground, her hazel eyes glistening in the bright moonlight, he couldn’t help but fall in love with her all over again. Each day with her proved how much more his love for her could grow. “You know, when you finally told me what had happened, I honestly wanted to jump a flight to come see you and make sure you were all right, before I beat that piece of shit
to the ground. Show him what it's really like to try and beat on someone his own size. Hitting a woman is just pure cowardice.” His thumb ran over the scars left behind as reminders of her ex-husband’s abuse, as his eyes followed. He still couldn't believe she had stayed so long. Realization hit him hard when he thought about how close he had been to losing her for forever, not but a year ago. Fury seared through him with a renewed vengeance.

The tick in his jaw worked overtime as Raeve feathered her fingers over his hand. Tracing the jagged scars lines on her face and arms, a pool of raw hatred burned like acid in his gut. He prayed for just one face to face meeting with her ex, to repay him for all the reminders written on her flesh of his love.

Cupping his hand, she grazed his cheek with the other, gently beckoning his gaze to hers. “It's over now. He'll never hurt me again,” she whispered. “If it weren't for your strength, your love, I don’t know if I would've survived it. Just you coming back into my life sparked a fire that sat simmering below the surface. I feared I had given up on myself. I started to hate myself for being too weak to walk away.”

“But you said you were already in the process of leaving him.”

   “Yes, that's true. After how cruelly he treated me when I found out about the cancer, and how horrible he was after the surgery, I realized that I felt nothing for him anymore. All I had left was the fire burning deep inside me.” She squared her shoulders, staring up through her dark lashes, “That is, until I stumbled across your letters. I thought I had lost them over time due to all the moves, but there they were.” A small smile spread across her face, softening her as a small laugh slipped past her lips. “I must've read them about a hundred times before I worked up the courage to find you again. By the time I emailed you, I had already been deep into research for divorce. It wasn’t until the first time you admitted to me how you felt, that I really felt a sense of hope, and didn’t that just jack up my fire! I had hoped you still felt something for me, anything, even hatred or animosity. I nearly broke into tears when you said it, because I already knew that I felt the same way.”

“Sweetheart, any bad feelings I held, were because I was hurting. I loved you so much, that when you left me I honestly felt like you destroyed a part of me. But hearing your voice that first time after so many years, how nervous you sounded on the voicemail, it was pretty cute actually. I wasn't sure if I should open that can of worms and call you back, but I couldn’t just walk away either. I needed you to know how I felt. And learning that you had married such a piece of shit just irked me hard. Sweetheart, what were you thinking getting with him?”

    “That he was the opposite of you. I didn't want any reminders of you. Like I said, he treated me the way I deserved to be treated. Like, I was nothing.”

“You are more than that. You deserved more than that,” he ground out. Fury burned in every word. She had subjected herself to his lies and cruelty, for what? Just so she didn't have to feel what real love was?

                               “You've always deserved better than that douche bag.”

“I know.” Aidan watched her, as Raeve went to that dark place in her head and wrapped her arms around herself. He saw the way her face dropped and imagined her thoughts ran along the line of the last time she saw her ex-husband and the last fight.

*
**

2010

Days of unrelenting fighting and constant accusations of adultery and lies, had worn her down to a state of complete exhaustion. Too many times she had to cover up the bruises, praying that no one at work asked any questions when she wore long-sleeved shirts in mid-July. His insults and allegations flew around, cracking at her like a whip. Raeve had no idea how much longer she could put up with it. He had raised his hands threatening to hit her twice since the latest arguments had started. She had stopped sleeping with him months earlier, because of the continual assumptions she was sleeping around with every man and woman she spoke to. Each dig stabbed her in the heart. The harder she tried to convince him of her innocence the more furious he grew. Yet she knew the truth, it had been him who had been cheating on her for years. His family lied to cover his tracks, until she had learned firsthand for herself. The truth wasn't pretty, but he had become crazed and delusional. Trapping her like an animal, he controlled every move she made.

With his daily round of insults, he fluently tossed out curses like it was his first language. The wounds on her arms and back had barely begun to heal before he started pushing her around again. Finding relief in a trip to the market, Raeve prayed he didn't insist on going. A small reprieve was all she could hope for. “I'm going to pick up something for dinner,” she said flatly.

“Yeah, and what are you getting? Dinner isn't for a couple of hours. Why do you need to go now to get it?” he snapped.

Raeve exhaled a heavy sigh, she knew tonight wasn't going to be a quiet one. He was already in a mood, and his drinking had started early in the day. Slaking off his
attitude, she continued to write down the few groceries she needed. “I was thinking steak and potatoes. Is that all right with you, Master?” She bit back the bile that rose in her throat as she called him by the name he had chosen for himself. She wished she could just pack up the truck and leave, but it wasn't that easy.

“Whatever. Fucking bitch.......And get another sixer while you’re there. Hurry up.” His words weren't gentle or kind. His order was to be obeyed, and she knew the moment she started the car he would start in on the text messages and phone calls.

It had been the same thing for the past two years. She couldn't go to work without a phone call or text every twenty minutes. Had this really become her life? Living as a virtual prisoner in not only her home, but her marriage as well? She couldn't even remember the last time she’d gone to the bathroom by herself. He always had an excuse, and made a game out of it. He popped the lock when she tried to take a bath, demanding to see her phone. Raeve tried in vain to find a small moment of peace, but she soon realized it had become a lost cause. There wasn't a move she made that he didn't control.

As she edged down the street, the first text buzzed in. She rolled her eyes, it wasn't even worth looking at,
she knew it was him. Idly she found the number she wanted. Only one voice could ease her and give her strength. Pressing the send key, she hoped to hell that his voice would answer.

“Hey, sweetheart.”

Relief washed over her in that moment. “Hey.” She tried to hide the irritation in her voice, but it was a wasted effort. He knew before she could even get out another word.

“What's wrong? Are you okay? Concern grew in his voice the
longer she waited to answer.    “Sweetheart, what is it?”

  
“It’s nothing. He's just in a mood again. I'm so sick of this shit.” Raeve felt his concern wash over her. Truthfully she was worried as hell herself. Things had been building up again, and the signs were there. It was just a matter of time before he exploded.

“Leave him, just do it. Go to your parents’ house. Whatever it takes, just pack
up and leave him. Jesus! Do you want me to jump a flight? I will, just say the word.”

  
“No.” She shook her head. That was the last thing she needed. Wanted yes, but she didn't want him fighting her battles. “I've got this under control. Don't worry, Aidan. I'm just complaining that's all. I got myself in this mess, I'll get myself out.”

“If he hits you again…”

                  “Yes, yes I'll leave him. I'm just trying to save up some extra cash as a safety net is all. I can't stay in a marriage where there is no love or trust.”

“You should've left him a long time ago. Hell, you should've just stayed with me from the start.”

Raeve winced at his words. It was a harsh dig, but there was truth to it, and she knew it.

 
“I know, you're right. Ah shit, that's him calling, hang on.”

“Okay, sweetheart.”
Raeve knew his words were meant to sound kind, but the utter hatred he felt leaked out without meaning to. “What did that douche bag want?”

  
“Just to see who I was talking to, and why I was taking so long.”

 
              “How did he know you were talking to someone?”

  
“I have no idea. I've changed all my passwords to everything. Nat called me a couple of nights ago saying I emailed her asking all kinds of questions about where we should hook up and other shit. She realized quickly that it wasn't me, obviously, and called me immediately about it.

When I got home I saw my laptop was open but not on. So I asked him if he had used it, and of course he denied it. I checked my email and couldn't find the one I supposedly sent, so I had her forward it back to me. And sure as shit, he had sent it, while I was grocery shopping! So I called him out on it, and he accused me of trying to start shit, saying I planted it, and what was I doing talking to other guys. So I went on to say that it wasn't a guy, it was Natalie, and why would she start shit?

He couldn't give me a straight answer and threw a fit before storming off to his buddy’s house. So I asked around to see if he had done similar things to more of my friends, and I was shocked when I found out he had done this to a half dozen others. They all quickly realized that it wasn't me emailing or chatting with them. His guilty conscious is eating away at him, and he's trying to ruin and control my life. Christ, I can't even talk to my brother or my parents anymore without him listening in or questioning me. I just can't take it anymore. I'm fucking exhausted!”