The Last Will of Moira Leahy (10 page)

My dad couldn’t have had a clue what Garrick meant, but he nodded anyway. “It’s a good blade. Proving itself already.”

It seemed a conspiracy I’d have to shut down hermetically.

“I won’t give up my winter break and spend all my money to run off to a foreign country over some nutjob”—I held my hand up to my father when I saw his mouth open—“or for any other reason. I’ve already made plans.”

“What plans?” my dad asked.

“I have a course to prepare. It’ll take a lot of time and—”

“So you’ll hole up here alone. How’s that living?”

Garrick wandered casually back to the sink.

My father lay the
keris
on the chair, then put his hands on my shoulders. “Maeve, what do you want? What makes you happy?”

I tried to focus on the spit of wood and the distant hum of people around us—gorging on ginger cookies, laughing—but my voice broke when I answered. “My work. I love my work.”

“Work is not life. Work is work. What about your dreams, daughter. Do you still have them?”

Eling
. The word seemed to strike at me from out of nowhere.

“Did you know Maeve plays the saxophone, Garrick?”

My lungs deflated. “Dad—”

“Is that true, my dear?”

“A long time ago,” I said. “A very long time ago.”

My father stared at the fire. “She was supposed to make a record. Well, a CD, right?”

“You must be quite a talent,” Garrick said.

“She is.”

“I’ll have to look into a saxophone for the music room. We’ll have a concert!”

I said nothing, just set down my mug and walked. Out of the kitchen, down the hall, past a group of people at the register. There was an alcove near the entrance, deserted. I ducked into it. Here, tiny houses sat on a dais covered with reams of snow-white cloth. Pinpricks of radiance emanated from a hundred wee panes of glass, like a vast sea of earthbound stars.

I cradled my face in my hands and listened. To the wind outside. To conversation in the main room. To children playing with the old Lionel under the tree. We’d had a train like that once. Moira and I used to lie together on our bellies and watch its click-clackety journey under the Fraser fir my father brought home every Christmas.

Maeve, let’s travel someday on a train
.

Yes, maybe it’ll come off the track, and then we can go wherever we want, drive it across the sea and over to Europe and then to Africa and Australia and—

You goose. Daddy’s never going to let you drive anywhere!

Solid, even footsteps approached. I felt my father beside me.

“You lie when you say you’re okay. When’s the last time you played your sax?”

I shook my head.

“When?”

“Before it happened.” It. I couldn’t say the words.

He paused for such a length of time, I thought he’d left. Then he said, “Maybe it’s for the best you won’t come home. You think your mother can handle seeing how you’ve let go of everything you are? You think that’s what she needs?”

My head shot up. “Don’t blame me for her. Don’t do that.”

“It’s not about blame. It’s about doing and it’s about being. Do you think we want this for you? You think Moira would’ve wanted this for you?”

“Stop.”

He brushed his hands over my hair, grasped my face, forced me to look at him. “I see you, Maeve. You’re still in there in eyes full of sky. Still stubborn as your mother.”

“I’m not like her.”

“More than you know,” he said. “It’s not that you can’t go. It’s that you won’t.”

Rome again. “Right,” I said. “I won’t.”

“Even if you need to?”

“Why do I need to? Because I once wanted to travel? Because my childhood dreams didn’t come true? That makes me like 99 percent of the rest of the world. I’m not unique, Dad.”

“You’re wrong there.”

“Because of music?” I straightened my spine, hardened my tone. “Do you know how sick I am of people defining me by that? Everyone did—even Moira, thanks to Mom.”

“Don’t blame your mother—”

“How can I not when she manipulated every critical decision in our lives growing up? You know how it was for us. You know what came of it. Why do you defend her constantly?”

“Jesus H,” he said with a fractured look, then walked away.

Bells jangled on the front door. Gone.

Out of Time

Castine, Maine

JULY–SEPTEMBER 2000

Moira and Maeve turn sixteen

Summertime passed in a rush, as Mom stayed busy with Poppy, and Dad with work. Maeve had more lessons than ever with Ben Freeman, who was helping her make a tape for an agent. On his advice, she even met with the high-school counselor to see about graduating early—something supersmart Kit planned to do, too. Moira busied herself in the garden, planning meals and playing the piano; and when she found out that Ian had broken up with Paula, she managed to bump into him a lot more often. Sometimes he’d lift his hand in a half wave, which always made her day.

A few weeks after school began, Moira and Maeve celebrated their sixteenth birthdays. Mom made a cake smothered in butter-cream frosting with two large “16” candles on top, and the girls each blew out their half. Daddy hauled two huge suitcases into the kitchen—powder blue for Moira and dark blue for Maeve. They didn’t fully understand the significance until Poppy gave them his gift: passport applications.

“We’ll get your pictures taken and go down to the post office tomorrow after school,” Dad said. “Poppy wanted you to have this much today, though.”

“You t-t-two go,” Poppy stuttered.
“Avven-t-t.”
He slumped a little farther in his wheelchair.

“Don’t upset yourself, Dad,” their mother said. “We all understand, right, girls?”

The twins responded at the same time: “Yes, Poppy.
Avventura.”

Later that afternoon, Moira walked to the docks, her cheeks wind-washed. Sixteen! Real adventure might be just around the corner. Someday soon, she’d travel with Maeve, but until then there were lots of adventures to be found in Castine—maybe as many as she’d ever want. She hoped to catch Ian, to get a birthday smile from him. Anything seemed possible now. Everything did.

She’d walked halfway down the hill, near Michael’s house, when the peal of Maeve’s laughter made her stop. Maeve and Michael? A secret boyfriend?

“Get it, Maeve!” Michael yelled.

Moira stood just close enough to see Maeve catch a football and run with it hugged to her chest for a few yards.

“Oh, no, you don’t!” said another voice, and like a lion claiming its prey, Ian came out of nowhere and tackled her.

For a second Moira admired how his blond hair complemented her twin’s sundown strands.
That’s how we’d look together
, she thought. But Ian stayed on top of Maeve, laughing with her, not struggling too hard to steal the football. He stayed there, in fact, until Michael shouted, “Get a room already!”

They’re together, really together
. The words became Moira’s cadence as she ran back home. Had Ian kissed Maeve? If he had and Maeve had kept that secret, Moira would never forgive her. Why was Maeve always the lucky one? Why couldn’t Moira have anything for herself?

Once in her room, Moira opened her desk drawer and unearthed the stone saxophone Ian had given and she had taken. There was only one critical way she and her sister were different. And that, Moira thought as she clutched the token, could be remedied.

MOIRA FOUND THE
saxophone case leaning against the piano in the living room. When she flipped its latches, the hard snap of metal seemed to reverberate like an alarm in the otherwise quiet house:
Wrong sister, go away
. She assembled the sax easily enough. The next step proved harder; Maeve had once tried to teach her about positioning, but the lesson was long forgotten.

It should just come to me
, Moira thought.
It should come to me the way it came to her
. She set her fingers on the keys with hope.
Listen for the notes, find them in the air, breathe and—

A warbling squawk erupted from the instrument.

Try again. Fingers down, take a breath—

Hobbled notes poured from the horn.

“What’s that horrible noise?”

Moira felt a hot blood in her cheeks, but she lowered the sax and turned to face the woman who had the power to change her life. “I want to take saxophone lessons.”

Her mother rubbed her hands on her apron and stepped farther into the room. “Why would you want to do that?”

“I could be as good as Maeve. I’d like to try.”

“Hmm,” she said, staring out the window. Seconds passed.

“Mom?”

“Did you know your name was supposed to be Chelsea?”

This wasn’t what Moira had expected. She shook her head.

“It’s true, after Grandma Chelsea. But your father decided that his redheaded girls needed Irish names. Maeve and Moira, after his mother and grandmother. He said that Chelsea was the name of a London borough and his ancestors would turn over in their graves if we named you that. So I gave in, even though they sounded like twin names to me.”

“I don’t get it, Mom. You don’t like my name?”

“I love your name, and it fits you. What I mean is that I’ve tried to differentiate you girls from the beginning, and it’s been like fighting”—she looked up, toward heaven, maybe, and her voice softened—“like fighting the tide. But I keep at it, because I know it’s important for the two of you to have separate identities.” Her eyes found Moira’s and her voice rang clear again. “You’ll have your room back once Poppy’s better, you know.”

“I know.” She had to admit she didn’t want to share a room with Maeve right now. She didn’t want to share anything, except the sax. “I want saxophone lessons,” she said again.

“You’re a good pianist, Moira.”

“But I’m not a prodigy like Maeve, am I?” The distinguishing word she’d heard so long ago. Prodigy. Special. Gifted. Magnetic. Attractive.

“You’re both talented young women.”

“I’m not a prodigy. You can’t say it, can you?”

Her mother rubbed her forehead. “You’ve grown into a terrific player, Moira. I didn’t mean to imply that—”

“She always gets the best of everything! Everyone likes her! Everyone loves her! Everyone—”

“Ah, I see,” said her mother. “You want to impress someone. A boy, maybe?”

“No one.” Moira met her mother’s suspicious gaze, tried to deflect it. “Please, just let me try it. Let me be myself.”

“You are yourself. Of course you’re yourself. What you need to understand is that being separate is healthy.”

“Healthy?” Moira knew then her mother would not relent—not with this tone of voice, this unwavering brand of speech, and a smile so sharp it seemed to cut through skin and muscle and bone. She should give up. She would, normally. But then she remembered Ian. Words to persuade, and emotions—fear, frustration—tumbled over themselves in her mind. She grasped at half a thought. “But isn’t it healthy to feel …”

“What? To feel what?”

“Whole.” Moira’s vision blurred. Her eyes stung. “I don’t feel whole.” Truth. She swallowed. “Can’t you try to understand? Can’t you help instead of fighting me?”

“Oh, Moira”—she shook her head—“I
am
helping. You need to find your true self. You won’t always be joined at the hip to Maeve. You won’t always be together. Stretch out a bit. Don’t search for space inside your sister’s shadow.”

Moira battled a wave of potent humiliation as panic swelled in her.
I’ll never have him, never be good enough
.

“I’m not worth a try, even if it means so much to me?”

“Worth? You’re worth everything, but Moira—” Her mother stepped closer. Moira thought maybe she’d reach out, hug her, even yield. Instead, she brushed the piano with her hand. “Maybe some extra piano lessons will make you feel better.”

Moira didn’t speak as she disassembled the saxophone and put it back in its case. Then she regarded the piano. “I should be grateful you let me take Grandma Leahy’s piano and have lessons,” she said evenly. “I should take some more lessons and I’ll be happy, right?”

“If that’s what you want.”

“It’s not what I want! I’m trying to tell you what I want, and you won’t listen!” She crashed her hand over the black keys with one hand and slapped at a sheaf of music with the other. “Clair de Lune” fluttered to the floor.

“Moira Leahy!”

Moira ran out of the house and across the lawn. When she reached the shoreline, she sat on stones as gray and chill as her thoughts. Would she never affect anything in her life? Would she never prove herself to be … essential?

“Moira?” Maeve stood beside her. Though her face was drawn and serious, her cheeks were pink—scrubbed fresh with air and laughter and maybe Ian’s kisses. Sweet sixteen. “I felt something bad. What’s wrong?”

“Go away. I can’t be near you right now.” Moira’s chest felt wire-bound, but she ignored the hurt in her twin’s eyes.

After Maeve left, Moira looked across the Penobscot at the burgeoning clouds on the horizon. She wished her arms would grow long enough to reach into them, that she could somehow move their dark shapes where she wanted, make it rain and thunder, make the air jump with lightning. Fly. But she was second born and earth-bound and not meant for such things.