The Less Than Perfect Wedding (12 page)

Sally and Judy both nodded to this statement. My mother rolled her eyes, but she didn't speak out against what my best friend was saying, which meant that either she secretly agreed and didn't want to admit anything, or she had already been brow-beaten into temporary submission.

"This is really kind of you all," I began, still seeing visions of my relaxing glass of wine dancing before my eyes, "but I really don't know if I'm up to it tonight. I've been spending so much time working on planning this wedding lately that I feel completely exhausted."

Claire nodded. "And that is exactly why we're here!" she insisted. "You need to be distracted from all that - and what better way to distract you than to go out for one last taste of the single life?"

I tried another couple of tactics to argue my point, but I already knew that it was useless - Claire was determined to get me out, and there wouldn't be any changing her mind. She clearly had already made plans for what we would be doing that night. And a tiny voice in the back of my head was telling me that it had been a long time since I had last really gone out to just have fun, and didn't I deserve one night off from worrying about the wedding? Sure, I wouldn't be spending it alone and relaxing with wine and maybe a warm bath, but how many more opportunities would I get to go out and just have fun? Claire was doing her best to convince me, but I was also convincing myself, inside my head.

"Fine," I eventually agreed. "Let's go out."

"Oh, but we can't!" Judy spoke up, standing up from the couch and rushing forward. "At least, not with you looking like that! Girl, this is your bachelorette party - you need to look the part!" Her hands seized my shoulders, spinning me around and pushing me towards the bedroom. The other women stood up and followed behind like an impromptu escort.

In the bedroom, Judy deposited me down on my bed, and she and Claire began ransacking my closet. After a few minutes, they settled on a rather audacious sparkling gown, bright purple and covered with a liberal amount of sequined decoration around the bust and hips. I grimaced as soon as I saw the thing. I had purchased it for a gala event that was purple-themed, over a year ago now, and had steadfastly refused to wear the thing ever since.

"Oh, no," I groaned when I saw what they had selected. "Please, don't make me wear that thing!"

"You're protesting? Perfect! That means that we made the right choice!" Claire chuckled as they held the garment out towards me. I opened my mouth to protest once more, but Claire cut me off before I could get a word out. "Come on, you know that it's useless to argue right now. Just put it on so that we can all head out!"

Shooting one last scowl at Claire and Judy, both of whom grinned back toothily, I struggled into the purple dress, grimacing as I felt it tighten around my hips and chest as Judy zipped it up. I had definitely put on a pound or two since I had last put this on, and from my mother's scowl, it was blindingly obvious. Claire and Judy both cheered once it was zipped up, however, and assured me that I looked just fine.

"Now come on! We're wasting the night!" Claire called, dragging me towards the door. I tottered along, trying to slip on the heels that Sally had found in my closet as I walked.

We hurried down the stairs, Judy fortunately supporting me as I tried to balance in the unfamiliar heels. As we neared the bottom of the stairs, however, Sally turned around, pointing her finger over us like a school teacher checking her kids. "Wait a minute," she spoke up. "We're missing one."

Claire looked around at us and sighed. "I'll go grab her," she said, and dashed up the stairs. I heard her footsteps receding, and then approaching again a minute later. Following along behind her was... my mouth dropped open.

"Blossom?" I gasped.

Indeed, it was the woman herself - somehow, my father's mistress had been invited into my bachelorette party! On the other side of me, I could hear the audible grinding of my mother's teeth as she stared daggers at the woman.

Blossom, on the other hand, looked slightly confused. "I went to the bathroom and then all of you were gone," she said to no one in particular. Her eyes, flitting around alighted on me. "Oh, hi Danielle!" she said happily. "You look pretty! That's a tight dress!"

"Um, thanks Blossom," I stammered. "Let's get outside to the cars, shall we?" As my mother dashed for the door, desperate to get out of the same room as this hippie, I grabbed Claire's upper arm, my fingers digging into her skin. "What is she doing here!?" I hissed at her.

Claire opened her mouth to respond, but said nothing for a minute as we waited for Sally and Blossom to file out of the apartment building's front door. "Look, your dad made me invite her," she whispered back to me. "He somehow found out that I was planning this, and since he and Blossom's son were both going to Alex's bachelor party, he didn't want Blossom to feel left out."

"So you invited her?" I repeated. "How could you think that was a good idea?"

Claire managed to tug her arm free from my grip, and patted me on the shoulder. "Look, I'm sure that it will all be fine," she said in a vain attempt to reassure me. "Now, let's just go downtown, get some drinks, and have some fun and cut loose, okay?" And with that, she gently but firmly led me out of the apartment building and into the waiting taxi-minivan.

The taxi ride downtown was definitely awkward, with my mother insisting on sitting in a different row from Blossom and refusing to speak to or respond to her. Once we got to the bar, however, things calmed down slightly - or maybe the alcohol helped me ignore the tension, which was just as good in my book. As soon as we walked in the door, Claire wasted no time in plopping a Long Island iced tea down in front of me and refusing to let me speak until it was finished - at which point Judy immediately replaced it with a full one.

Two iced teas later, I was definitely starting to feel a little less stressed. Claire was pointing out cute boys around the bar, teasing me that this would be my last chance to have some fun before I'd be stuck with the same man for the rest of my life, while Judy was sitting on my other side and excitedly telling me about all the wonderful benefits of being married. As I listened to their voices drift into each ear, I received a wonderfully confusing and disjointed conversation.

"Just look at that guy!" Claire was half-whispering, half-yelling on my left. "I bet he's got washboard abs that you could iron a shirt on! He could probably pick you up in the air and make you orgasm before you even touch the ground!"

"I'm so glad that you're getting married!" Judy was happily telling me on my right. "I've dated several married men, you know, and they're always the best ones. Stable, never demanding, and happy with whatever you give them! Single guys complain, but married ones never do! If I could just meet a single guy who acted like he was married, well, I might be tempted to settle for him!"

I glanced up, across the table, and caught Sally also staring at the guy that Claire had been checking out, although her gaze was decidedly more dreamy. I noticed that her own drink, what looked like some sort of absurdly sweet daiquiri, was nearly empty. "God, he's handsome," she sighed, gazing at the man. "I wonder if he's a nice guy or not."

I reached across the table and poked her, disturbing her from her reverie. "You should go talk with him!" I insisted. Sally started to protest, but the rest of the table perked up and began encouraging her as well.

Even Blossom, sitting next to Sally, got in on the encouragement. "Go tell him that he looks like a dragon!" she said, rubbing Sally's shoulder. "A beautiful, majestic dragon that can warm you with his sexual flame!" We all turned and stared at her as she uttered this sentence, but Sally was actually looking encouraged.

"You know what?" she finally said, as we kept on poking and teasing her. "I'm going to do it! Wish me luck!" She grabbed her daiquiri off the table, finished it with a gulp, and made her way out of the booth, wobbling back and forth slightly as she crossed the bar.

Unfortunately, I realized as Sally stood up and left the booth, she had been the one sitting between my mother and Blossom; now that she was gone, there was nothing left between them, no barrier to prevent them from interacting. In panic, I gulped down the last of my third Long Island, a tiny part of my brain hoping that I would black out before the inevitable confrontation.

Astoundingly, it was Blossom who made the first move, scooting closer to my mother with a slightly crooked smile plastered across her face. My mother, who had spent the night so far gulping down cosmopolitans and had at least four empty glasses in front of her on the table, looked up at her with the expression of disgust that had become so common on her face, but this didn't dissuade Blossom.

"Listen, Janice," Blossom slurred, "I have to ask you something, that's really been bothering me."

The rest of us - Judy, Claire, and I - were frozen on the other side of the table, staring at this drama and wondering how it would play out. "What?" my mother growled.

"It's about Rick," Blossom elaborated, raising her hands up from below the table. "When he's on the couch, and you want him to do something, but he doesn't want to, and you tell him, does he do the little..." Her voice trailed off, but she held up her hand and flopped it back and forth in a vague shooing expression.

On my side of the table, we all recoiled in unison, waiting for my mom to fly off the handle. To our surprise, however, my mom nodded several times, her eyes widening slightly.

"Oh my god, I do!" she exclaimed, sounding utterly taken aback. "And then you have to ask him five more times, and he just keeps on insisting that he's about to take care of it, and he never ever does! I mean, how hard is it to take out the kitchen trash?"

"Yes!" Blossom cheered. "I mean, he knows that if you leave the bong water in too long, it will get knocked over and leave a stain!" My mom's face abruptly went blank, but Blossom plunged on. "And did he also do that other thing, where he would come into the kitchen and just take handfuls of food before it was ready?"

My mom nodded again. "That used to drive me crazy!" she sympathized. "I would always whack his knuckles with a wooden spoon, and he'd get all mad at me. He knew that dinner was almost ready, but he couldn't wait just a few minutes longer!"

"Yes, and then when he burned himself, it's somehow always my fault!" Blossom went on, finishing my mother's sentence. "I tell him, he needs to wait for the brownies to cool off, but he insists on trying to grab them fresh out of the baking dish!"

Incredibly, my mom started laughing at this. A moment later, her laughter abruptly cut off, as she finally remembered through the alcohol that she was fraternizing with the enemy. "I need another drink," she announced abruptly, climbing up out of the booth and heading towards the bar.

As she left, Judy slid back in next to me, placing another Long Island in front of me. I hadn't even realized that she had gotten up, and blinked a few times at the drink in front of me before taking a sip. Across the table, Blossom gazed towards the bar. "Janice is a nice lady," she commented reflectively.

I tilted my head down, fumbling around for the straw to my drink. After finally getting it into my mouth and taking a sip, I glanced up, in time to catch someone sliding into the booth across from me. "Wow, Mom, you got that drink fast," I commented.

"What are you talking about?"

*

That wasn't my mom's voice. I jerked my eyes up higher and saw Susan sitting next to Blossom in the booth across from me. "Suzy!" I cheered, reaching out across the booth to give my sister a one-armed hug. Claire's hand shot out and caught my drink as my own arm brushed against it, her actions saving it from spilling. "When did you get here?"

"Just now," Susan commented, looking around at the table. "Man, is this all that you're planning for this party? I have to say, Alex's bachelor party was a lot more interesting than this is."

It took a moment for this statement to sink in. "Wait a minute, you were at Alex's bachelor party? Why?" I gasped, my eyes going wide as I stared at her.

Astoundingly, Susan's eyes dropped down to the table for a moment. "I, um, I have some news that I have to share," she said. "But first, I think I need another few drinks. My buzz is starting to wear off." She got up and headed towards the bar, passing my mother as she returned with two fresh cosmopolitans clutched in her hands.

"Was that Suzy?" my mom asked, sliding into the bench next to Blossom. Blossom reached over and rubbed her hands over my mom's shoulders, and without looking, my mom offered Blossom a pull from one of the cosmopolitans. They were definitely very drunk, the tiny part of my brain that was still operating logically informed me.

"Yeah," Claire said. "I invited her out for this, but apparently she decided that it would be more fun to go to Alex's bachelor party instead - she said that she had to tell us something about it."

Another minute later, Susan returned to our table, walking with exaggerated caution and managing to carry four shots of what looked like plain, clear vodka in her hands. She set these down on the table, slid in next to my mom, and then immediately took two of them, one after another. "Whew, that's a little better," she said, slamming the second empty shot glass down. "Now, Danielle, I have some bad news for you."

"What?" I asked, bewildered.