The Life List (The List Trilogy) (27 page)

“Did we actually talk all night long?”

“Went fast, didn’t it?”

“I guess I should take you to your car, huh?”

“Oh yeah… right, it’s at my buddy’s apartment.”

I’m never gonna see this guy again, and it doesn’t seem fair after the night we shared together. I wish his car was fifty miles away, but it’s not. It’s more like two. After exchanging a few awkward sentences, spoken only to mask the fact that neither one of us wants the night to come to an end, he asks the very question I hoped he wouldn’t.

“Can I have your phone number?”

I wish. But absolutely not! This charade ends now.

“Sorry, it’s a rule of mine to never give out my number. It’s a control thing.”

I thought it was a corny excuse, but he thinks it’s adorable and totally responsible. I can do no wrong with this guy!

“Do you have a pen?”

I give him one, and he hands me a piece of paper and says “Here’s mine. I really hope you call me.”

I can’t.

His door is now open; one leg is hanging out on the street while the rest of his body is lingering in the car. He’s stalling.

“I had a really good time tonight, Leo. You’re an amazing guy.”

And then out of nowhere I turn into Heather Locklear. No, Tawny Kitaen!

No wait… I’m one of those smokin’ hot chicks on a Budweiser poster who’s licking the side of a dripping wet beer bottle! Whoever the hell I am, I’m NOT Chrissy Anderson. She would never have the guts to look deep into a beautiful stranger’s eyes and say, “Do you want to kiss me?”

Before I can get a hold of myself and take back the insane question, he extends his arm behind my head and dives in.

Our full on make out extravaganza lasts forever and while it’s happening, I forget who I am. All disgust of my behavior is shoved aside. I’m floored by the domination I possess as I grab his hair and force his lips onto my neck and ear and then back to my lips. I put his hand on my breast that he would have left alone without an invitation, and I’m blown away with my bravery as I toy with his belt buckle. If we weren’t interrupted by the people getting into their cars to go to work or church or wherever they had to be early on a Sunday morning, I’m not really sure how far I would’ve let things go.

“Do you want to drive to Vegas right now and make this official? I have all the proof I need that we’re a match.”

If I wasn’t already married, I probably would.

“You’re joking, right?”

“No, actually I’m not.”

“Obviously at the moment, I’m in no state of mind to be making major life decisions.”

Or for that matter, bear in mind the ones I’ve made prior to this whole fiasco.

The sun is now totally up, and I suddenly realize that after a night of steady drinking, overlooking the importance of hourly lipstick maintenance and getting pounced on in the front seat of my car, I must look like a total hag. I promptly put my sunglasses on and feel an overwhelming urge to hide from the world.

“So…okay then, I guess I’ll be going now.”

“You’ll call, right?”

“I…things are…life’s just kinda crazy and…”

Wait, if I totally blow him off, he might think I do this all the time AND I DON’T! Plus,
I don’t want to blow him off
! He’s so wonderful, and I wish so badly I could see him again. But dammit, I can’t! Get him out of the car now, Chrissy!

“Look, I’m not really sure what’s going on here, and it’s completely taken me by surprise. I think right now I need to go home, get some sleep and have some really good dreams about what just happened. After that, I can start thinking about a phone call.”

God, did that even make any sense?

“You have to call me because we still have to get to the bottom of why we met.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, was it pure luck or was it divine intervention instigated by some really bored, dead grandfathers?”

“I’m gonna go with pure luck because I don’t believe in God.”

“That’s priceless!”

“What!? Why are you laughing?”

“Explain how you can believe in ghosts
but not
believe in God.”

“Well now, that would take us into tomorrow.”

“I’m cool with that. There’s a coffee shop around the corner, how about we start our conversation there.”

“You’re sweet, Leo, you know that?”

He’s chuckling. “I don’t think many people would call me that and I bet you didn’t think I was very sweet when you sat next to me tonight.”

“You mean
last night
! And yeah, you were quite the bastard!”

“Now that’s a name I’m used to being called!”

“Are you implying I know a side of you that no one else knows?”

Looking fiercely into my sunglasses, “Without a doubt.”

I’m struck by the curiosity of his claim that after spending roughly 8 hours with him, I could know him better than anyone else, and then I’m struck even harder when I realize I could probably say the same thing about him. Holy shit, I just met my soul mate! I just met my twenty-two year old, college attending, rock yard working soul mate!

*****

I snap back to the present and a warm feeling,
my drug
, slithers through my body and settles in my belly. He’s in me. He’s so deep inside of me and no amount of time, distance, therapy or alcohol will ever rid my body of him. I can’t possibly stay with Kurt with these feelings. I pull into the parking space where Leo and I shared our first kiss and I close my eyes and replay the events of that night until my mind and body can’t take it anymore. By the time my eyes reopen, I reclaim the courage to tell Dr. Maria
everything
. She has to help me figure out a way to be alone because I can’t be with Kurt the rest of my life with a belly full of Leo.

Kaboom!

June, 1998

When I get to Dr. Maria’s office, the lobby is empty. Sad Frumpy lady isn’t sitting in her usual spot, and surprisingly, I’m a little worried about her. She doesn’t look like she’s in any shape to miss a therapy session. I want to ask Dr. Maria if she’s alright, but that would be kinda weird, and she’s gonna think I’m weird enough when I tell her about my mischief with Leo.

“Well, you seem awfully happy today, Chrissy.”

“Yeah, I guess I am.”

“Things going well at home?”

Here we go.

“Actually no, but things
are
going well with Leo.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Me neither. First, I want to tell you that I’m very sorry I kept this from you but I was scared you’d be mad.”

“It’s not my place to be mad or judge you, but I am concerned that you might have taken the therapy you received here and mistakenly applied it to a life you weren’t being honest about living. You’re most likely making things much more complicated, and might I say…expensive for yourself.”

“I know I’ve wasted a lot of money in here. But just so you know, I’m not delusional about the double life I have going on,
and
I realize I’ve been asking for advice on how to save a marriage I’ve been sabotaging.”

“You’ve been doing much more than that; you’re most likely making

Kurt a little crazy.”

“Whoaaaaaaaaa, I don’t think Kurt has any clue about what’s going on, and trust me, I’m not bragging about that, but as you very well know, the guy is
way
too self-involved to notice I’m having an affair.”

“He might not say anything to you, Chrissy, but deep down he knows; you’re his wife. Internally he’s probably struggling with what he thinks is going on and what he doesn’t believe could ever happen.”

I didn’t think I could possibly feel any worse than I did before I came in here. But I do.

“Think about it. I’m sure you exercise more; that’s a sign. I’m sure you have way more late nights at the office; that’s a sign. I’m sure you pay more attention to your wardrobe, accessories, perfume…these are all signs. But I bet the biggest sign of all is how you’ll do everything you possibly can to avoid having sex with him. Any of this stuff sound accurate?”

“So now I know why you cost so much; you know what the hell you’re talking about.”

“I do. For Pete’s sake, tell me what’s really going on with Leo so we can actually make some progress here.”

I rehash all the dirty details of my time spent with Leo. I even tell her about sneaking out in the middle of the night. I tell her about coming clean to Courtney, Nicole, and Kelly, and since doing that I’ve virtually cut off all communication with them because deep down I know they want me to stay married and it bugs me. I tell her about my three options and that my heart is breaking because I know it’s only a matter of time until I have to choose one.

“I think that about covers it. So, what should I do?”

“What do you want to do?”

Why did I know she was gonna ask that?

“For starters, I want to go back in time and choose a different bar to have a drink at that night.”

“Not possible.”

No shit.

“I want Kurt to be Leo but still be Kurt.”

“Can’t happen.”

Bitch.

“I don’t want to hurt Leo.”

“If your only options are to disappear or tell him you’re married, you’ll hurt him. But eventually he’ll be fine.”

That hurts.

“I don’t want to hurt Kurt.”

“You will if you decide to leave him or if he finds out you cheated on him, but like I told you before, he’ll be fine too.”

That pisses me off.

“Okay then…
I
don’t want to hurt anymore.”

Dr. Maria sits up, takes her glasses off, and stares at me for a second before she speaks. I think she just officially got tired of me.

“Understand something, Chrissy. If you decide to break up with Leo and stay married, you will hurt. If you decide to leave Kurt and still break up with Leo to avoid the shame of lying to him, you will hurt. If you decide to leave Kurt and come clean with Leo about being a married woman, you will hurt.”

I throw my hands up in the air.

“Well shit, I guess the good news is there are only two options now, because I can’t stay married to Kurt, not with the feelings I have for Leo!”

“What I’m trying to tell you is that no one in this charade will be able to avoid getting hurt, you especially. I say you especially because you’re the only one in this mess who knows the whole truth. Plus, I know you’re not an adulterous person at heart, and you’re grappling with choices that might expose you as one. But, Chrissy, your choice should
not
be one that you think will hurt less; it has to be the right choice.”

“So you’re saying I should risk telling Leo about my marriage?”

“Does that feel like the right choice?”

“Yeah, if I thought he wouldn’t hate me. But…no, no, no, I can never tell him! He thinks I’m special…perfect.”

“Well he’s an idiot then.”

“
Excuse me
?”

“You might be the perfect fit
for
him, my dear, but no one’s perfect.

Trust me, if he’s with you long enough, there will be plenty of things about you that bug the crap out of him, and vice versa. Chrissy, when you go from one relationship to another, you just trade in one set of problems for another. Of course, the hope is that you’re with someone you can actually solve them with. You two might even stand a chance if you realized that.”

Wowie, she’s actually frustrated with me.

“Did you ever think he might not hate you if you told him you’re married? He might even be relieved for knowing the real reason he can’t spend more time with you. Lord, you’re probably making him a little crazy too.”

“He can’t know! No one else can ever find out that I cheated!”

“Chrissy, everyone makes mistakes.”

“It’s shameful.”

“Sure it is, but what do you think is more shameful, leaving an unhappy marriage or staying in one?”

“I just told you I don’t want to stay in the marriage! I can’t turn into Francesca!”

“Okay, and I’ll help you with that. But do you
really
think you can give up Leo without exploring the possibilities with him, especially once you’re a single woman?”

She’s saying everything I didn’t want to hear. Now I know why it took me so long to come clean with her. Fucking table, fucking straps, fucking truth serum.

“Hunny, if I told you breaking up with Leo was the right thing to do and I recommended you do it tonight, you’d find a reason to put it off. And even if you told me it was over, you’d probably be lying to me. Don’t you see, you have to stop lying to yourself so you can stop lying to everyone else.”

She knows I’m an addict too.

“I know and right after I stop lying to myself, I have to stop lying to Kurt. We’re not gonna live happily ever after and the sooner he knows the better, because he deserves a chance at happiness with someone else. Problem is, I’m not strong enough to admit to him and everyone else that I’m a failure.”

“Forget about everyone else. Public opinion and the pain associated with it is short lived in our culture. And besides, whoever wants to convict you of breaking some kind of moral code is either guilty of something worse or not worth your friendship, so screw ‘em.”

“I wish you could understand how hard this is for me. I don’t know what it’s like to be without Kurt. I’ve never been alone! What about all of our stuff, our dog, our house? I’ll have to take ten steps back in my financial security and the thought of that makes me FREAK OUT like you have no idea.”

“Come on, Chrissy! Don’t you think what you’re doing now with the sneaking out of the house and the lying and the cheating requires a hell of a lot more balls than being on your own?”

Shit, when you put it like that …

“Tell me, what’s more overwhelming, admitting you made a mistake or being on your own?”

“I guess admitting I made a mistake.”

“Are you willing to hand over your life to judgmental people, people who most likely have just as many problems as you, because you’re scared of admitting a mistake? Because that’s what you’re doing; you’re giving other people control of your happiness.”