The Light in the Wound (27 page)

“Alex?”

“Alex. Jesse, I am in love with Alex.”

Jesse stood up abruptly and paced around me a few times. He balled his fists. There was smoke coming out of his gray eyes. He ran his hands in his hair, knelt down in front of me and clasped my hands in his.

“You think you love him. But I’m here now. We have history. We grew up together. You’re confused and just like you gave me the time to figure this out, I am willing to give you the same amount of courtesy to do the same.”

“I don’t need time, Jess. I want to be with Alex.”

His muscles tensed, he reared his head back and let go of my hands. His livid glare was focused on the side of my neck. I reached out instinctively to cover it with my right hand. He let out an exaggerated laugh.

“He’s the guy you fucked, isn’t he? What happened tonight? Were you with him?”

I nodded my head weakly.

“There you go. Isabel Amarra. Claudia Holtzer’s daughter. History just repeated itself.” And with that, he got back on his feet and stormed out of the house.

If words could kill, I would be six feet under by the time he finished that last sentence.

I sat in the dark for a long time, absorbed in the gravity of what had just happened.
What did I just do? That was Jesse. My first love, the one who took away all the hurt and pain I endured when I was a child. The one who opened up my heart, who inspired me to work hard to prove the world wrong. Did I just admit to Jesse that I had sex with someone else? Was all that truth really necessary? People have gotten away with much more before — did I have to be that honest?

And just as quickly as those thoughts popped up in my head, my heart answered back very clearly.
I’m not like my mother. I live with the truth. I did the right thing by telling Jesse how I felt.

I was half asleep a few hours later when I heard the bedroom door open and felt light footsteps approaching the bed from behind me. I inhaled deeply, testing myself to see whether I could flag that familiar scent. He sat on the edge of the bed to remove his shoes and socks, his jeans. I moved from the middle of the bed to the right side to give him room to climb in beside me. He wrapped his arms around me, nuzzled my hair and then kissed my cheek.

“How’d it go? Are you okay?” he whispered.

“He’s so angry. Compared me to my mom, but understandable,” I admitted.

“Your mom is a wonderful, genuine person. It’s not all bad with her, you know,” he whispered.

“I know. How was it with Amanda?” I turned to face him.

“She cried. She asked if that was the reason why we only had sex once since we got back and she had to talk me into it.”

I giggled loudly. “You had to be talked into having sex? You?”

“Hey, hey! Not everyone gets a piece of this, you know,” he said, as he made a sweeping gesture with his hand. A thought flashed through my mind. They did call him the David Beckham lookalike in college. His face suddenly turned serious. “After I had a taste of you that night, no one was ever going to be good enough for me.”

“I’m sorry that we had to break two hearts tonight, Alex.”

He stared at me, as his fingers stroked my face. “Are you having second thoughts, Isa?”

“What Jesse said — what if I turn into her? I don’t want to hurt you. I want this to last. I’m just thinking maybe I should be by myself for a while? To prove to you that you’re not just a rebound. But one thing you need to know, A. I’m not sorry that you’re here with me tonight.”

“I may be a rebound now, but I know that you’ll eventually learn to love me more than you have ever loved anyone.”

“Why me, Alex? You can have anyone else in the world that you want. You had Amanda a few hours ago. You were going to ask her to marry you.”

“I was trying to forget you.”

“By marrying someone you don’t love?”

“The thought of you and Jesse was driving me nuts, Isa. I wanted to move on. I probably would have backed out anyway. I was being impulsive. After we went out to dinner that night and he was calling you his wife, I couldn’t see straight.”

“And now? If we don’t work out? Would you go back to her?”

“I’m not going to think about that. I’m going to do everything to make you fall head over heels in love with me.”

“I love you, A. I do.”

“Baby, you’re my heart and soul.”

He kissed me passionately but stopped when I reached out to try to pull him on top of me. “Isa, you have to go to sleep. I’m okay with just holding you tonight. I want to relish this moment — our first real sleepover!”

“Hmm,” I mumbled sleepily. The events of the evening had managed to exhaust my energy. I wanted to collapse with relief that he was the one lying next to me. “Okay, Alex. Goodnight.” I turned around and faced away from him, but my back was snuggled tightly against his chest.

“Night, baby. I love you.”

As expected, we awoke to the shrill tone of the alarm clock. Alex reached over me to shut it off and stayed on top of me, trying to settle himself in between my legs. I opened my eyes and wrapped my legs around him.

“Can you call in sick?” he mumbled into my neck.

“Wish I could, but I’ve got two meetings this morning and then I have to meet my grandpa for a board meeting at 6:00 P.M.” I threw my head back as he laced his fingers in mine and held them tight against the bed.

“Can I see you after that?” His mouth was already on my breast and beginning to trail down toward my belly button.

“Only if you get back up here and give me what I want.” I pulled his face back up toward me and experienced the best possible start to anyone’s day. Ever.

“On the path of Love

We are neither masters nor the owners of our lives.

We are only a brush in the hand

Of the Master Painter.”

—Rumi

Alex insisted on picking me up every day after work and spending most evenings with me. Sometimes we would go to a bar for a drink before heading home, other times we would stop by the mall or store to do some last minute shopping. Unlike Jesse, who didn’t care about what he wore, Alex was an impeccable dresser. He loved to shop. We spent many evenings at Ermenegildo Zegna’s designer shop, and he was constantly being fitted for suits and shirts for every occasion. He would walk out of the dressing room and the salesladies would fight over him.

One night, on the way home from one of our shopping trips, we found ourselves in rush hour traffic with bumper-to-bumper cars on either side of us.

“Babe,” he began, “do you ever swear or curse?”

“That’s pretty random.” I snickered. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. I’m just sitting here trying to remember whether I’ve ever heard you cuss.”

“You mean, aside from when we’re in bed?” I asked seductively, as I placed my hand on his leg and squeezed.

His blue eyes turned mischievous as he turned to me and said, “Isa, I dare you. Roll down the window and yell “Motherfucker” at the guy right there next to you.”

“Alex! What?”

“Come on, if you love me, do it!” he dared, as he lovingly poked my shoulder. “I wanna hear you swear!”

“Have you lost your mind? There’s no way I’m doing that. Besides, you cuss often enough for both of us.” I looked at him and shook my head, shrugged my shoulders and pretended to ignore his request. As he focused his attention on the road to inch the car up through the traffic, I pressed the button to roll down the window, stuck my head out and yelled at the top of my lungs,
“Mo-ther-fuck-er!”

The cars in front of us started to move and we were able to drive away.

I turned to face him with a smirk on my face. “Take that, buddy. Who’s not spontaneous now, huh?” I was actually dying to wash my mouth out with soap.

“Baby, that was awesome! I’m so proud of you!” He laughed heartily as he reached over to take my hand. “You’re my sexy, dirty girl.”

Whatever it was, wherever we went, Alex always made it a priority for us to see each other often. There were times when he still had to travel for his dad’s business, but he tried to limit them to day trips where he would fly back late that same day. I missed him whenever he was gone. I couldn’t get enough of being with him. My experience with men had always been to let them be free to pursue their own ambitions. My support for Alex’s career was no different from the way that I handled Jesse. The most important contrast was the security I felt with Alex. He always put me first. Alex was also very respectful of my time and never took the fact that I wanted to see him for granted. He would always ask to see me rather than assume it. Once when I spoke with Betty about it, she said, “That’s the way it should have always been. You’re smarter now about relationships because of what you’ve been through. During this experience with Alex, you will soon see that if you allow the guy to love you more than you love him, you will always have the upper hand.” In a way, what she said made total sense. Alex always acted like he appreciated every single minute we spent together. I was always reserving a piece of myself just in case. For what? For whom? I didn’t have the answer to that just yet.