The Light of the Blue Pearl (27 page)

“Of course I do,” he said. “I care about you
and I’m not going to let you disappear into your shell again – life
is too short and too important to hide from it.”

“Well, I know it’s short…I suppose that’s
why I’m going to disappear into my shell,” she said, picking up
their plates and taking them to the kitchen.

He followed behind her knowing that the
sudden domestic show was a tactic to flee the scene.

“That’s absurd, Ethne, and makes absolutely
no sense.”

“It makes perfect sense to me,” she
replied.

When her hands were empty and there was
nothing further to feign distraction she tried to leave the
kitchen. He blocked her way.

She stood her ground looking him in the eye
with a cautioning glare that insisted he move. He didn’t.

“Ian…,” she started, quite sick of trying to
explain her motives to people. “I can’t take any more. It hurts too
much to lose people, it hurts too much to hurt people, and it is
too frightening to live with the constant question hanging over
your head of when the next pain will strike. While it is hard being
lonely I would choose that over the crushing pain I experienced
when I lost my parents, when Scott was hit by the car and nearly
died, and even this, knowing I’ve already hurt him and am now
hurting you. I’m not made for this.”

His face softened at her confession, he must
have already known her reasoning, but to hear her say it so
matter-of-factly obviously had an impact.

“I don’t think any of us are, Ethne,” he
said softly. “It’s hard for anyone to lose someone, and yes the
pain is extreme, but we aren’t meant to live in this world alone.
Surely you can agree with that?” he asked, still standing only
inches away, blocking her path.

She wasn’t trying very hard to escape, but
she still didn’t like his line of questioning.

At a loss for words Ethne simply stood
there, she felt like a lawyer with a winning case but with
absolutely no defense. Her reasons were sound, she believed, there
simply was no way to convince any one else of the fact.

After several minutes of silence she leaned
against the kitchen counter and crossed her arms.

“You have no answer to that?” he asked,
confused by her silence.

“No, I suppose I don’t,” she said, resigning
to the fact that there was no way he would ever see her side.

“You think you deserve to be alone?” he
asked.

She thought only for a second before
answering, “I don’t think it’s up to me.”

Suddenly feeling the activities of the day,
Ethne slowly slid down the side of the counter and sat down, her
tired legs forcing her to rest them.

Ian joined her, facing her, their knees
touching.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“I tried to let go of my fear, I gave into
the belief you speak of and everything was nearly ripped away from
me. Call it luck if you want that it wasn’t, call it the way it’s
supposed to be, but the way I see it, setting yourself up with
things you love only makes you a target to lose them.”

“That may be so, but you can’t live your
life in fear, Ethne.”

“But that’s what I’m trying not to do,” she
said, confused at the fact they had come to the same conclusion but
with a completely different outcome.

“Well, you’ll have to explain that one to
me,” he said, almost laughing.

“I’m less afraid when I don’t have things to
lose,” she said.

“Ahhh, I see…,” he said, with a partial
understanding of her logic. “But don’t you see that even that is
still living in fear?”

He took her hand then, trying to get her to
look at him. She wouldn’t.

“I suppose,” she said. “But it’s a fear that
results in less pain.”

“Does it though?” he asked.

She thought about his question for a long
time, finally she looked up at him.

All of her years of loneliness came back to
her in a cascading flood of memories. She realized he was right.
Although the pain took on a different facade, she had simply become
numb to it, like one would a fragrance you’re constantly surrounded
by.

It takes stepping out into untainted air for
you to realize the change. Without something to compare it to you
simply live in ignorance, not knowing anything else exists until
someone has shown you otherwise.

He could see it in her eyes that he had
finally gotten through to her. He smiled a warm smile of
understanding.

While her logic had been sound, in a way,
she finally saw the absurdity of it the way he had. Pain is pain,
the severity of it only a matter of perspective and timing.

She never subscribed to the belief that time
healed all. In her experience she felt the sting of losing her
parents nearly everyday, but she did have to admit that the sting
had lost some of its bite over the years.

Even though she realized part of her
thinking had been flawed, it didn’t change the fact that she still
felt like a ticking time bomb as far as her seizures were
concerned.

True, one could get hit by a car at any
time, but that was just a possibility, and statistically a fairly
unlikely one. She on the other hand had a bomb built right inside
her, almost mocking her desire to live normally. It had gone off
for her father without warning and had consumed her mother in the
process; it was too frightening for her to think that it could do
the same to her.

She sighed; feeling like the recent progress
Ian had just made was now slipping away.

“I can agree with you about part of it Ian,
but it is harder to subscribe to your belief on the matter when I
consider my seizures. I feel like a burden, and one that can only
cause the people I love pain.”

Feeling the need to run away she got up and
moved to the far corner of the kitchen.

He got up and followed her, a shadow that
obviously wasn’t going to disappear no matter how much she wanted
it to.

“I can understand how you feel, Ethne, but I
think if you asked the people in your life how they felt about it,
you would find that they are willing to take the risk….that you’re
worth it.”

She looked up at him but found his gaze was
directed at the floor, she knew he was talking about himself.

“If I choose to let someone in,” she said
weakly, “it still means I have to hurt someone…I don’t want to do
that. It seems no matter what I do I will be living in fear, and
causing someone pain.”

He looked up at her then, having heard the
sadness in her voice.

“Pain and fear are a part of life,” he said.
“It reminds us we’re human and can help us to be stronger.”

She didn’t feel stronger though, she felt
weak and pathetic.

“What did you feel when you saw the shark?”
he asked.

She thought for a moment, recalling how
terrified she had been in the first instant of seeing it. “I was
scared, at first…but then I remembered what you said and I let it
go. After that I was just in awe – I felt both humbled and
empowered to be so close. I was still scared, but…not to the same
degree. It surprised me to feel that way about something that used
to terrify me.”

“Though,” she added with a grin. “I still
don’t really feel like swimming with more sharks and testing my
luck.”

He laughed, the mood finally lifting a bit
from the serious haze that had blanketed the room for what seemed
like hours.

“So you see my point then?” he asked.

She thought for a moment trying to connect
the two situations together. “I guess,” she said.

“There is a comfort in the knowledge that
you can deal with something head on, and to know that you often
don’t have to deal with it by yourself. Everyone gets their heart
broken in life at some point, Ethne, typically more than once. But
we learn from it and it makes us stronger, and when you think back
on things you often find that those moments helped get you to where
you are. I guess what I’m saying is…,” he paused, a vulnerable look
in his eyes. “I care about you…and even though I’d like you to be
with me, I would survive any decision you made…eventually. I just
want you to be happy. I think you deserve nothing less.”

She thought about what he said for only a
moment before she made her way slowly over to him and looked into
his sweet eyes. Balancing on her tippy toes she wrapped her arms
around his neck and kissed him.

She could no longer argue with him on the
subject, they were both right in their own way, she could now see
his logic and that it made some sense. Although she wasn’t entirely
convinced, she couldn’t deny how she felt.

It seemed one possibility meant she hurt
three people, while the other possibility meant two could try to be
happy, Ian’s logic made it sound like the choice was up to her –
except perhaps the option to choose neither.

She didn’t think so highly of herself to
completely dismiss the option of allowing both of them to find
someone else and forget about the ticking time bomb. Surely that
choice was also hers to make?

She honestly was still dumbfounded that
there were two people who cared about her so much; it was both
cruel and amazing.

As she lost herself in Ian’s kiss, she
concentrated only on how wonderful it felt to be in his arms.

W
hen Ethne woke up
she was lying naked next to Ian. Flashes of their long conversation
the night before and what happened after were coming back to her
like a dream; how they had stayed up half the night was beyond her,
they both had already been utterly exhausted.

Ian was still asleep next to her, the
blanket barely covering his bare skin. She tried to cover him up
but didn’t want to wake him yet, she was still trying to process
what she had done.

She had wanted to be with Ian, but had tried
so hard to fight her feelings; last night it seems her reserves
were too low to win that battle. It wasn’t his fault though; she
had made no attempts to stop her actions. She was happy. Being with
Ian had been amazing, the electricity between them finally having a
chance to ignite. But she was also terrified knowing she had just
complicated things further.

Listening to Ian the night before had made
her think long and hard about what she should do, but now she was
more confused than ever. She missed Scott.

Even if he forgave her and took her back she
knew she would miss Ian too. It didn’t seem to matter who she
chose, there was no answer that felt like the right one. She loved
them both.

Regardless of her feelings for them, she
couldn’t escape the nagging reminder that either choice could end
badly. Her seizures or something unforeseen could ultimately end
whatever happiness she may have found. She really had no say in the
matter. While both Scott and Ian had tried to convince her
otherwise, or at the very least that she shouldn’t worry about such
things, they hadn’t been successful. She couldn’t get passed her
fears, although he had tried to compare the two, seeing the shark
and calming herself in that moment was simply not the same.

She turned to face Ian; he was still
sleeping soundly with one arm draped over her. Today was her last
day in Belize, tomorrow she would return home and face Scott. No
matter what she decided, or what he decided, she would at the very
least apologize for being so cruel.

It seemed like it had been ages since she
was home, though less than a week it felt more like a month. Her
job was no doubt probably no longer waiting for her, she felt like
she was going to have to start all over again.

She stroked Ian’s face gently, tracing the
line of his jaw; she leaned over and kissed his lips eager to see
his eyes looking back at her.

It took him a while to finally wake up, the
day and night before obviously had taken its toll. “Sometimes
vacations just aren’t as relaxing as they should be”, she thought,
smiling at him as his eyes focused on her.

“Good morning,” he said, smiling back and
drawing her to him. He held her a moment before releasing her and
kissing her back.

“Have you been awake long?” he asked. “I
wasn’t talking in my sleep was I?”

She laughed. “No, you weren’t, and I haven’t
been awake that long.”

He looked around the room for a second
before looking back at her, the realization of what had happened
the night before flooding his memory the way it had hers.

“So…,” he said. “Last night was…ummm…
unexpected.”

“Yeah,” she said.

“I hope you don’t feel…badly about it?” he
asked. The line they had both agreed not to cross was no longer
even in the room.

“Well…badly isn’t the word I would
use…exactly,” she said, this was the reason she hadn’t been very
eager to wake him up. Better to relish in the magic a bit longer
before extinguishing it with awkwardness.

“Guilty, maybe,” she said, not wanting to
ruin the moment but not knowing what else to say…the truth was the
truth.

“Well, I can understand that. I’m sorry,
Ethne,” he said, withdrawing his arm.

“Don’t be sorry, Ian. I wanted to be with
you just as much, and while things are complicated, I’m not sorry.
Last night was amazing and I won’t ever forget it, no matter what
happens,” she leaned in and kissed him.

When she pulled away he was smiling at
her.

“I feel the same way, Ethne, I am sorry
though if it puts you in a rough spot with Scott, I never wanted to
do that.”

“I know that, Ian,” she said.

“And don’t think that I believe this means I
lay claim to you, I know last night had nothing to do with any
decisions that you’ve made.”

“Thank you, that means a lot to me,” she
said.

“I will respect whatever you decide, Ethne,”
he said. “Unless of course you decide to be alone; that I’m afraid
is not an option on the ballot, and this particular decision does
not allow for any write-ins.”